That Would Show You, That Would Make You Hurt Like Me...

I can't keep expecting people to be decent. I can't keep expecting people to be considerate of others. I thought I could expect these things from people who are friends, but I am proven wrong over and over. And I'm tired of it. I'm sick of the entire fucking human race at this point, and every stupid day of this stupid fucking life. If no matter how hard you try, you can never make anything any better and you can never succeed in what you want most, then I ask you,

What in the FUCK is the point?


So disappointed. So, so disappointed. So hurt. One day I am quite sure it will actually kill me. At least then there will be peace.

And Then No Need To Endure Anymore, Time Dies...

I sit and listen to a man talk and laugh with co-workers. A man who lost his beloved wife suddenly two weeks ago. And here I sit, wishing I didn't have to live anymore. And I feel worse because not only do I no longer value life, but I am so depressed and so sad that I can barely stand it. Yet this man who has just suffered this great loss is okay, he's making it, he's getting through the day. And I want to give up and die. I've not recently experienced a loss such as his, but I cannot figure out how to overcome things. How to face losing everything and everyone. How to find happiness again.

And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.

I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.

I just want it all to stop.

I am a horrible human being.

I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...

It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...

There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.

With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.

So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -

Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.

Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.

Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.

I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.

I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.

I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3

All my love,

Lo

Stuck...

I dislike games. I think everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't like having to "control" what I do or don't do because of other people. I don't like that certain things in my life are being controlled by outside influences, when they shouldn't be. I wish I could change things. Or just stop caring.

I hate this.

I'm finding it increasingly irritating that so many of life's choices, no matter how appropriate or even right they might be at the time they're made, end up just fucking us over in the end. It just doesn't seem like it should work that way. It's like lose-lose. Even if you make the right choices for the time, it doesn't always mean that things will end up right.

And I think that sucks.

Skies Are Crying, I Am Watching...

Last night I dreamt that you'd died. And the sad part is, I was actually jealous.

Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.

I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.

People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?

Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?

Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.

No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.

What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.

You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.

People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.

So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.

I'm sorry.

You Can Call Me Unperfect, But Who's Perfect?

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that some things have nothing to do with you, aren't personal or to not be selfish. Or even if you remember those things, to believe is something entirely different. Hearts aren't logical, how can one make them so? Or are you supposed to just figure out how to ignore them? That's the only thing I can think of. You can't change how you feel about something, so the only other option is to pretend it doesn't exist.

I guess I'm not so good at that. (Clearly.)

Sometimes things that "aren't supposed" to make you sad, still make you sad.

And I'm sad.

I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...

Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.

So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.

I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.

What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.

I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.

I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.

The Truth Is All That I Can Hear Everytime You Lie...

"Goodbye" is the word swimming around in my head, but my lips don't want to speak it. Life isn't easy, nor is it supposed to be, but why must everything be so difficult? Why does it seem like the things you should do are always the absolute hardest?

Why can't people act the way they should, and do the things they should, and things happen as they should? What proof is there that everything that is "right" works out in the end? Who's to say the things that go wrong weren't actually supposed to? What if people just fuck shit up with stupid decisions or actions? I guess there's no way to change that. But it sure fucking sucks.

I'm sad. I don't want to. But I think I have to. Because life is stupid. And good people get fucked, while others don't care, or take them for granted.

And that's the way it goes...

Whyawannabringmedown?

You'll think what you want
Say what you will
It doesn't mean you know anything
What is is not always what it seems

It's not your place
The choice isn't yours
Don't do me any "favors"
You don't know what I need

It doesn't help
You do me a disservice
It's not a game for you to play
Shut up and go away

My life is only mine
It doesn't matter what you believe
You don't know a thing
And only I speak for me.

This Was The Very First Page, Not Where The Storyline Ends...

People always say to "take it one day at a time" or some other general cliche. I was watching a movie the other day and a quote one of the characters said made me think. He said, "When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning."

I was thinking about how sometimes things happen that just feel like...like it's just the end of everything, like you've finally reached your breaking point, like you've really had all you can take. And then most of the time, when you look back on it a month, a week, maybe even a few days later, in many cases it's not even hardly as big of a deal as it seemed at the time, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Or you get upset because something you wanted to happen didn't, but then it turns out that you're really glad it didn't. Sometimes it's easier to look at the overall outcome rather than take it day to day, because when you look back on it as a whole, it's not nearly as intense.

It just makes me think more about fate and things being predetermined. If we knew for a fact that something would or wouldn't happen regardless of the actions we did (or did not) take, would we still try for things? And if not, would no one trying for anything then change what everything is predetermined to be? Is it possible that what we do actually has no bearing on the outcome, because it's already set? Do we actually spend time trying for things that will never happen, or does everything in some way shape everything else?

I feel like maybe fate takes us to a certain point. From there, we decide where we go, what choices we make. It'd be much more comforting if we could be sure that the "ending" would be one specific way or another. We'd know that it would either be what we wanted or not, and if it wasn't then we wouldn't waste our time trying to make it happen. To have that certainty, in my opinion, would be a huge comfort. I think I would probably put more effort into things knowing that it was for good reason, and not that I was just going to work myself to the bone for nothing. Yeah... I would take knowing for sure any day, for probably any situation (nothing comes straight to mind that I wouldn't want to know). I think if we all knew that what we were working toward was "worthwhile" that people would work twice as hard. Then again that goes back to, would people stop trying if they didn't "have" to? Two very different perspectives and kinds of people...

This was pointless, but for some reason I felt like writing. My head is just non-stop lately.

Weird.

Let The Weak Be Strong, Let The Right Be Wrong...

Some things in life are really sad. The last week has been kind of crazy. I've had to watch a father and husband, who doesn't know how to act like an adult and/or control his temper, lose everything in a matter of 12 hours. Because he doesn't understand that you cannot handle situations with violence, especially not with a woman (especially not a woman who is your wife) and especially not with your child. The sad part is that he's a good dad, and I know he loves his child. I even believe he loves his wife, although he obviously doesn't know the appropriate way to treat her. And now because of some incredibly stupid, inexcusable actions on his part, he's lost his family, his home and is likely going to spend some time in jail to boot.

It saddens me that this kind of shit exists in the world. I guess you always hear about "domestic violence" and horrible crimes that people commit, but I have never really seen it first-hand. I guess in some ways I'm still naive to the world. On the "up side" I guess, for lack of a better term, I also saw a really strong woman finally make a decision I think she'd been scared to make before. She finally did what she knew she needed to for HER. I hate to see anyone have to go through something like this, but I'm happy for the fact that even though it's hard now, she is going to be so much better off, and so much happier in the long run.

Situations like this I would think would really put my life and my problems into perspective. And it really does... But it also makes me feel like a really shitty person, and maybe I am. When I talked to one of my best friends about this earlier, she said, "You have your reasons. It doesn't make your reasons less valid but things could be far worse, that's true." What I am going through may not compare even slightly to what I've witnessed other people fight through and overcome, but I guess in my "world" what I'm going through is my "big fight." And the sad part is that I haven't even been able to overcome it and be strong enough. I guess we all have it in us to make it through anything, we just have to finally figure out how.

Some people that tell you they'll always be there just aren't. You shouldn't "have" to rely on people, but I don't think it's wrong to put your faith in them when they tell you you can, when they tell you they want you to. When they tell you they care and if nothing else are there to listen. What I think some don't realize is that, it's not even necessarily that you want to talk about everything, or that you have "drama" or that you want them to give you advice... Sometimes you just want to know that you aren't alone. Sometimes you want to be reminded that someone has your back no matter what. Sometimes you want to know someone still believes in you, even when you no longer believe in yourself. Sometimes you just want to know your friends still love you despite yourself and stupid things you may say or do.

Sometimes...you just want things to be how they were.

Although I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself and have struggled more this week than in a long time, I feel awed and inspired by not only the strength I've seen in the last 24 hours from someone younger and stronger than me, but by the positivity and drive and confidence that some people display and hold onto regardless of what life throws at them. By people who don't allow "bad" things in life to get to them because they are able to focus on all of the good in their world around them and remember the important things in life, despite anything else. People who always let the ones they love know that they love them, because their selves and their lives are influenced just as much by these people as ours are by them. People who always take care of themselves and are also always there for the people they love regardless of what's going on in their own busy lives.

It's those people that give me hope when I feel that I've all but lost it. It's those people that remind me I'll always make it through anything, even if it might not feel like it. And they remind me that sometime, some day, it will get better. It has to.

I'm so blessed with the people in my life. Thank you, all, for all that you are. And for seeing me even when I've lost myself.

Xx

Call Me Up If You Want Gangsta...

I absolutely loathe the entire concept of dating. I hate it. I don't wanna do it. It's fake and phony and awkward. Add onto that the fact that I'm ridiculously shy when I don't know people and it's just a mess from the get-go. I don't want to "schedule" dates with random guys I barely know... I don't like to be put on the spot, I get nervous in situations like that. I just do not like it. I thought I could do it and have fun with it, but I don't think I can. It's just too fake and too weird.

I don't want to try to "plan" to meet someone. I want to meet someone and be friends for a while and feelings just develop from that friendship or something. You get together because you have a connection already and because it feels right and whatever, not because someone set you up with someone they work with or know from high school or you met some random on a dating site and you're purposely putting yourself in an awkward situation going to meet someone you've talked to via email who may or may not (probably not) have even been telling the truth or anything even real about themselves. I want to meet someone because they come into my life in some "unplanned" random way, not because I seek out a male non-smoker from the ages of 30-35 that likes long walks on the beach and action movies. I don't wanna deal with the games that are involved with dating. I don't want to get half the information up front and the other surprises later. I don't want to feel like I'm on a job interview. I'm awkward enough in regular life situations and am only made worse if I feel I have to "make" someone like me. I don't think I can handle rejection right now. And I don't want to hurt someone else either if I don't feel anything. It's just AWKWARD.

It's just complicated and weird and intimidating and I don't like it. I want it to be natural, easy, straightforward. The kind of thing where someone has already seen all of your sides, faults and all, and still wants to be your friend and a part of your life. I don't need a man to make me happy but it would be a nice little ray of sunshine in my life right now, not to mention a distraction. And I do feel that even if I don't need to date someone, I do need to meet people. I do need to get out of the house and do something. Not that I'm any less awkward around a bunch of strangers in a club or bar trying to grind on every girl they see than on a date, but still. At least it's less pressure.

I'm frustrated. Irked. Bit discouraged... I guess I just want the easy way. I feel like love should be easy, though. All kinds of love, not just in relationships or whatever. Connecting to people should just happen, not be forced. And I do believe people are in your path for a reason. I guess I'm not crazy about the idea of searching. I know I've got to force myself to get out and about even if I don't necessarily want to, but when I'm so uncomfortable I can't even relax it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going out and letting loose, ya know? I'm probably just not used to it. After all, I've been in one relationship for 6 years, so it's been a while. And even before that I don't think I ever truly "dated" ... It was always just more people I already knew so the awkwardness didn't exist. I guess the first step is meeting new people in general. I just need to figure out what "way" works best for me...

Bah. I could always just go to the clubs in like full-out Star Wars costumes. Princess Leia with the hair buns, eh? I'd certainly weed out the damn Trekkies.... ;)

Xx

Since A Twist of Fate When It All Broke Down...

Frustration. So much freaking frustration. I can't even begin to understand why some things are the way that they are, and that makes me angry. I understand that we're not always supposed to know why certain things happen but I've been struggling a damn long time and I'm ready for some answers. I'm ready for understanding. I'm ready for things to be right again.

I feel as though I have absolutely no control over some things or situations. I literally feel stuck. I feel like if I say something, it will go bad. And if I don't say something, it may or may not already be bad and I'll continue hurting because whatever and however it is is hurtful to me. It's not drama, it's not bullshit. It's sincerely being hurt, and not for anything but it's understandable, too. You can think that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or something out of nothing, but you know that's really not true.

All of the details of things aren't what matters. That's where bullshit comes from. Strip it bare and look at what's left, and you'll see it's simply just a girl who is really hurting. For many reasons, from changes to self-confidence to fear, etc. There is so much that I want to say, and I can't because I'm afraid that that will cause me to lose people. And I don't want that. I'm afraid that I can't express myself correctly and it will sound like nothing but trying to be dramatic or turning a situation into something it's not, which is what's happened before. And that's just not what it is. I just want to let someone know I'm hurt by some things they've said or done...and everything's just so fucked up I can't without worrying about losing the friendship because it gets turned around on me or they act like I'm making up things in my head. It's not about anything or anyone else. It doesn't have to be so complicated. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. How shitty to not even be sure someone cares enough about you that if you went to them they'd listen and understand and not just blow you off. I just don't know anymore.

I know this just sounds like more and more bitching. It's the only outlet I have and it's mainly just general babble anyway, so who even cares anymore? I just feel stuck. Stuck and scared. And I wish I just didn't even care anymore. Maybe that'd make two of us.

Trusting Desire, Starting To Learn, Walking Through Fire Without A Burn...

Things are calm. Serene. I'm finding myself a little on the lonely side today for some reason, but I'm also thankful for the alone time. Too often when I'm by myself or my brain isn't occupied I think too much (about anything) or stress myself out. I didn't sleep at all last night, then got a nap in earlier, so I'm still a bit overtired. But weirdly I just feel...calm. It's odd. Not really a "contentment" (I wish) just kind of a lull sorta. My brain is fairly quiet and that never, EVER happens to me.

I have absolutely no idea why I felt like sharing this. I guess I just have the urge to write but there's nothing really on my mind. I wonder why that happens... Especially when writing is used almost exclusively to vent or deal with certain circumstances that arise. Brains are weird. Sometimes I wish they were more logical, like a math problem with one way to work it, one solution. If they were, maybe people wouldn't get hurt so often.

Or maybe it's not that our brains aren't logical, so much as that our hearts just work differently and for whatever reason hearts are easier to follow. Or maybe that's only if you value instinct, or your gut, or your feelings above all.

When you look at it from an outside perspective it seems kind of stupid to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) logical and listen to things that (can't think of the word I want)...don't have any factual basis? Then again, I guess the logical answer isn't always necessarily the correct or true answer. Plus, our heads can mislead us... Overthinking can drive you crazy, can invent situations that don't even exist, or twist ones that do.

So maybe in that way, our hearts are actually the "smarter" of the two. You can control thoughts, but you can't control feelings or instincts... Does that mean that feelings and instincts are always "right"? That we should always follow them? I guess if it was that cut and dry, things would be much simpler, wouldn't they?

I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol. Oh, the ponderings of a sleep-deprived mind. I wonder if the head and the heart are ever really on the same side. Or maybe it's that when they are, that's when you know absolutely that you're making the right decisions. The parts that are decisions, anyway...

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss...

Sometimes I think I finally believe that I am worth it. Worth love, worth time, worth friendship. I believe that I'm a good person, that I work hard, that I care endlessly for the ones I love, that in some small way I make the world just a little bit of a better place.

And then something stupid from someone ELSE can make me doubt that so easily. Someone acts weird toward me, and it's suddenly, "What have I done?" Even when I KNOW I haven't done anything. And I shouldn't even care then. Because if people don't care enough to even take the time to talk to me if something is going on, then they are not worth my time anyway, not really. Friends don't act that way, adults don't act that way. If people are so easy to care so very much for me, and then just walk away like it's nothing, that's their problem, not mine (I guess)... I am the one that hurts. So much. Because I can't figure out why they loved me so easily, and then just dropped me like it's nothing. Why they chose to lie, especially when it wasn't even anywhere close to necessary, because it isn't the lie so much that hurts, as much as that you don't even mean enough to them to be told the truth. You are that meaningless and unimportant. Because I love others easily, too, so much so that my friends are more like family that I have hand-picked to be a part of my life.

Why am I so easy to forget about? Why do people stop caring? Probably because of bullshit like this. I'm not trying to be self-pitying or make others feel sorry for me. I know that I don't handle things as well as I should. I'm just thinking outloud more than anything. Nothing is accomplished inside my head so..this is the only outlet I've got right now.

I may not always be right, but my intentions are always good. I'd never deliberately hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm very, very sorry if I have done so without meaning to.

He Said, She Said...

I'm really, really sick of constantly worrying that I've done something wrong. Because so many people don't know how to just talk to someone if they have a problem anymore. I'm sick of worrying about what I say or how I say it. Perhaps it's nothing more than my own insecurities a lot of times, but frankly I'm tired of having to defend myself because of things other people do or say. I'm tired of being made out to be stupid or a fool by people that are supposed to be my friends, or because there's something I don't know about because it was purposely kept from me. People don't seem to realize that I don't care... I'm actually a pretty easy-going person as long as there's no drama or bullshit. I love my friends, I love people, I love to travel, I love the music, I love new opportunities, and more than almost anything I love to laugh and enjoy. I love it all. I don't understand the act of being fakely nice to someone, I don't understand the need for anyone to act like they're above or better than someone else. My only concern is to live my life, value happiness and love, and live in a way that I can be proud to be who I am.

One day I'm going to get up the nerve to walk away from some people, regardless of how much I care for them, because I know what I deserve, and it's more than this. You can try to turn it on me and say that I'm stupid or crazy, but the reality is that things are the way they are NOT because of me or things that I have done, but because of dishonesty, talking about others behind their backs, and not being up front about or hiding things. Not saying at all that I'm perfect, but I'm always open and honest with others. When you strip it down and it's just me, and not anyone else, it all goes away. Everything gets made out to be more than it is. Everything that someone else says I think or feel, everything that someone else "knows" about me. Just because there are other things or situations in my life, that doesn't mean that they affect anyone currently in my life, or even me for that matter. No one should speak for someone else, no one should assume things about others based on things they hear. And I wish that everyone had enough sense to go to the source if there's something they want to know. Gossip does not benefit any person in any way, ever.

The only thing I want in the entire world right now is to love, and be loved, and to be happy. I love my family, I love my friends. We can't let current circumstances dictate our outcomes or attitudes. Circumstances are temporary, but the choices we make and actions we take are what actually decide how things go or turn out. Perfection is impossible, but I like to believe that intent, kindness, respect and plain caring still count for something nowadays. But maybe it's only appearance and hearsay that matters now. Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll just always lose unless you stoop to their level. I don't want to believe that.

But there are a lot of things I don't want to believe that are, unfortunately, still true. I don't think I can be that person, though. Friendship means too much to me.

Sometimes I really wish it didn't.

Something's Gone Terribly Wrong...

Sometimes it feels like my life isn't "real life" .. like I'm looking in on someone else's life or watching a movie or something.

Sometimes I wish that was actually the case. It would mean the pain that comes with different events in life isn't real to me, and I could separate from it, look on it from an outside perspective instead of feeling it so intensely. I've had people tell me that I'm so empathetic (sometimes I think pathetic is the key word) that I feel others' feelings almost as if they were my own, which is why I care so much about the people I love being happy. But it shouldn't be at the expense or instead of my own happiness. And I feel everything much deeper than I care to. The good and the bad.

The anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching... I'm not doing so well. You'd think after 4 years it'd be a little easier. And maybe in some ways it is, I guess. But I still don't know how to deal with the...ache I feel in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it.

I thought I was on the right track, but I don't know. Hopefully I can get back on. I feel so weak and pathetic and stupid when things take me over. And I'm sorry to the people who are close to me for when this happens, and don't tell me not to apologize because it really upsets me and I feel terrible. I know it hurts you to see me hurting... I'm trying really hard to be strong and rise above everything. I really am. And I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling so much.

But I love you. Eventually maybe I'll be stronger. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith again. I feel lost and sad and hurt. I don't know how to finish grieving and stop feeling that loss every single day. I don't know how to walk away from things that hurt because they're also things that make me happy. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. I wish that I could totally wipe the slate clean; clear of all this loss and hurt and anything else and start totally fresh, and I just don't know how to do it and make the pain go away. How do you stop hurting when the reason you hurt is you miss someone who can never, ever come back?

I don't think I really know the answer to anything anymore to be honest. I've lost myself.

I Am Alone At A Crossroads...

I'm not sure how to start this post, haha... I know what I want to say but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just try and jump right in..

I feel like I've really turned a corner this week. Nothing really happened so to speak, it's kind of just like a switch flipped in my head. I decided I'm just... I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself. I decided that I feel this way because I allow myself to... I have to make a conscious decision to flat-out not allow the things that get me down to get to me. To be honest I'm not sure it's completely possible, but I feel confident right now so I'm goin' with it LOL...

My perspective has changed on some things going on in my life and I feel a little less stressed about them. I also just kind of decided to focus on anything good and be content with what is. I don't like the way that some people look at or portray me, and I realize how much of that is based on things I've said or done. And I don't want that. The person that I am, truly, is not who I've been for the last 6 months. I had this huge epiphany about myself last summer and between doubt and insecurity and pain... I lost myself. Basically I think it was because I allowed circumstances to take me over. Instead of continuing on my path to become the person I want and need to be, I let the actions of other people and events that are out of my control make me lose focus on all the good that I'd found, in my life and the people in it, and within myself. Although some things are not exactly as I want them to be, I have a great life. And even if some things are bad, or hurt, they're not going to affect me forever. Even if it feels like it, they won't.

I was thinking the other day about how some things that happen seem like the biggest deal ever at the time that they happen... And now looking back on them they're practically like...not only insignificant but in some cases they could have never even happened and today, it wouldn't even matter, things would be exactly the same. It's just kind of funny.

Anyway, I know this is really just a bunch of babble and it probably doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I just felt like sharing. I don't know for sure I'll be able to continue in this mindset but I feel really good about it right now. Things aren't perfect but they never will be - nothing is ever really perfect. The only thing that I can control about my life is myself, my actions and my reactions. I don't have to allow things to take over my life just because they hurt me... I'm stronger than that, I just have to remember it.

Life isn't worth living if we don't enjoy it. Even if things aren't okay, they will be. There will always be hurt and pain, but it doesn't have to rule our lives. It doesn't change who we are, it just makes things hard for a little while. I'm tired of being the girl who's always upset, complaining, crying...that's not me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I miss the person I know I am... Circumstances aren't going to rule my life anymore.

X

Insecurity... :(

Do you ever feel like there's some secret that everyone is in on except for you? Or that you're like on display or something? That's how I feel... I feel like people are saying things about me and judging me and in fact I know it's true to some extent, but I don't understand why. I'm not a perfect person and I have a LOT of ways that I can improve myself, and I'm truly trying to make those changes. I am too needy of affection and love. I know that I am insecure and I read into things too much sometimes, but I can't help but feel like I've done something and I don't know what. In regard to a few different situations.

I really haven't even talked much to anyone lately in depth so I don't even know what reason there is to talk about me. I probably sound conceited or like I think I'm so important to think people even care about me enough to talk about me, but I can't shake the feeling. And I just don't know the cause. It shouldn't bother me if people don't like me but more than that, it's upsetting to think that I've done something to hurt someone somehow and don't even know it. That really bothers me.

If anything I think I am TOO honest and/or share too much, but only about myself, and I don't talk badly about people and I don't gossip and I don't share things that aren't mine to share. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a liar. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. Something happens and people just stop talking to me without a word or any explanation, and because of things that have happened in the past, I'm extremely hurt by it. (There is one person with whom this has happened and this is definitely not about them; they're not worth even a second of anyone's time.) Besides the fact that a person or people don't want to associate with me anymore, I don't even know the reason, and I'm not worth enough to them to talk to me about it. If I ever hurt or offend or disrespect someone I would obviously want the opportunity to correct and/or apologize for what I've done, intentional or not. I'm not a malicious person and I don't wish bad on anyone. I just don't understand.

Maybe talking/writing about myself somehow causes drama around me. My intent has always just been to try and be better, to try and heal by getting thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can try and make sense of things. I didn't have any intent to affect anyone else nor do I intend to try and "reach" anyone when I write, this blog isn't even about any specific person or thing going on. I simply write to try and get it out of my brain that never seems to stop, nothing to do with anyone else. I'd never want to do anything to hurt or harm anyone. And I've no idea what I could've done so bad that I'm not even worth enough to talk to me about it rather than just write me off. I'm too sensitive, but I am who I am. That's all. I'm sorry for it.