That Would Show You, That Would Make You Hurt Like Me...

I can't keep expecting people to be decent. I can't keep expecting people to be considerate of others. I thought I could expect these things from people who are friends, but I am proven wrong over and over. And I'm tired of it. I'm sick of the entire fucking human race at this point, and every stupid day of this stupid fucking life. If no matter how hard you try, you can never make anything any better and you can never succeed in what you want most, then I ask you,

What in the FUCK is the point?


So disappointed. So, so disappointed. So hurt. One day I am quite sure it will actually kill me. At least then there will be peace.

The Truth Is All That I Can Hear Everytime You Lie...

"Goodbye" is the word swimming around in my head, but my lips don't want to speak it. Life isn't easy, nor is it supposed to be, but why must everything be so difficult? Why does it seem like the things you should do are always the absolute hardest?

Why can't people act the way they should, and do the things they should, and things happen as they should? What proof is there that everything that is "right" works out in the end? Who's to say the things that go wrong weren't actually supposed to? What if people just fuck shit up with stupid decisions or actions? I guess there's no way to change that. But it sure fucking sucks.

I'm sad. I don't want to. But I think I have to. Because life is stupid. And good people get fucked, while others don't care, or take them for granted.

And that's the way it goes...

Since A Twist of Fate When It All Broke Down...

Frustration. So much freaking frustration. I can't even begin to understand why some things are the way that they are, and that makes me angry. I understand that we're not always supposed to know why certain things happen but I've been struggling a damn long time and I'm ready for some answers. I'm ready for understanding. I'm ready for things to be right again.

I feel as though I have absolutely no control over some things or situations. I literally feel stuck. I feel like if I say something, it will go bad. And if I don't say something, it may or may not already be bad and I'll continue hurting because whatever and however it is is hurtful to me. It's not drama, it's not bullshit. It's sincerely being hurt, and not for anything but it's understandable, too. You can think that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or something out of nothing, but you know that's really not true.

All of the details of things aren't what matters. That's where bullshit comes from. Strip it bare and look at what's left, and you'll see it's simply just a girl who is really hurting. For many reasons, from changes to self-confidence to fear, etc. There is so much that I want to say, and I can't because I'm afraid that that will cause me to lose people. And I don't want that. I'm afraid that I can't express myself correctly and it will sound like nothing but trying to be dramatic or turning a situation into something it's not, which is what's happened before. And that's just not what it is. I just want to let someone know I'm hurt by some things they've said or done...and everything's just so fucked up I can't without worrying about losing the friendship because it gets turned around on me or they act like I'm making up things in my head. It's not about anything or anyone else. It doesn't have to be so complicated. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. How shitty to not even be sure someone cares enough about you that if you went to them they'd listen and understand and not just blow you off. I just don't know anymore.

I know this just sounds like more and more bitching. It's the only outlet I have and it's mainly just general babble anyway, so who even cares anymore? I just feel stuck. Stuck and scared. And I wish I just didn't even care anymore. Maybe that'd make two of us.

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss...

Sometimes I think I finally believe that I am worth it. Worth love, worth time, worth friendship. I believe that I'm a good person, that I work hard, that I care endlessly for the ones I love, that in some small way I make the world just a little bit of a better place.

And then something stupid from someone ELSE can make me doubt that so easily. Someone acts weird toward me, and it's suddenly, "What have I done?" Even when I KNOW I haven't done anything. And I shouldn't even care then. Because if people don't care enough to even take the time to talk to me if something is going on, then they are not worth my time anyway, not really. Friends don't act that way, adults don't act that way. If people are so easy to care so very much for me, and then just walk away like it's nothing, that's their problem, not mine (I guess)... I am the one that hurts. So much. Because I can't figure out why they loved me so easily, and then just dropped me like it's nothing. Why they chose to lie, especially when it wasn't even anywhere close to necessary, because it isn't the lie so much that hurts, as much as that you don't even mean enough to them to be told the truth. You are that meaningless and unimportant. Because I love others easily, too, so much so that my friends are more like family that I have hand-picked to be a part of my life.

Why am I so easy to forget about? Why do people stop caring? Probably because of bullshit like this. I'm not trying to be self-pitying or make others feel sorry for me. I know that I don't handle things as well as I should. I'm just thinking outloud more than anything. Nothing is accomplished inside my head so..this is the only outlet I've got right now.

I may not always be right, but my intentions are always good. I'd never deliberately hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm very, very sorry if I have done so without meaning to.

I Am Alone At A Crossroads...

I'm not sure how to start this post, haha... I know what I want to say but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just try and jump right in..

I feel like I've really turned a corner this week. Nothing really happened so to speak, it's kind of just like a switch flipped in my head. I decided I'm just... I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself. I decided that I feel this way because I allow myself to... I have to make a conscious decision to flat-out not allow the things that get me down to get to me. To be honest I'm not sure it's completely possible, but I feel confident right now so I'm goin' with it LOL...

My perspective has changed on some things going on in my life and I feel a little less stressed about them. I also just kind of decided to focus on anything good and be content with what is. I don't like the way that some people look at or portray me, and I realize how much of that is based on things I've said or done. And I don't want that. The person that I am, truly, is not who I've been for the last 6 months. I had this huge epiphany about myself last summer and between doubt and insecurity and pain... I lost myself. Basically I think it was because I allowed circumstances to take me over. Instead of continuing on my path to become the person I want and need to be, I let the actions of other people and events that are out of my control make me lose focus on all the good that I'd found, in my life and the people in it, and within myself. Although some things are not exactly as I want them to be, I have a great life. And even if some things are bad, or hurt, they're not going to affect me forever. Even if it feels like it, they won't.

I was thinking the other day about how some things that happen seem like the biggest deal ever at the time that they happen... And now looking back on them they're practically like...not only insignificant but in some cases they could have never even happened and today, it wouldn't even matter, things would be exactly the same. It's just kind of funny.

Anyway, I know this is really just a bunch of babble and it probably doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I just felt like sharing. I don't know for sure I'll be able to continue in this mindset but I feel really good about it right now. Things aren't perfect but they never will be - nothing is ever really perfect. The only thing that I can control about my life is myself, my actions and my reactions. I don't have to allow things to take over my life just because they hurt me... I'm stronger than that, I just have to remember it.

Life isn't worth living if we don't enjoy it. Even if things aren't okay, they will be. There will always be hurt and pain, but it doesn't have to rule our lives. It doesn't change who we are, it just makes things hard for a little while. I'm tired of being the girl who's always upset, complaining, crying...that's not me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I miss the person I know I am... Circumstances aren't going to rule my life anymore.

X

And With A Broken Wing, She Still Sings...

I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.

It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.

Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.

It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.

I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.

I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.

I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.

I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.

I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.

I have to.

All My Love... Lo xx

I Never Really Cared Until I Met You...

Why is it that people find it necessary to question everything? (That was some kind of weird oxymoron in itself, huh?) But really. Sometimes it's so incredibly difficult to just take something at face value and not think or worry about its outcome. Speaking for myself, I know it's usually out of fear. Fear of being hurt, or let down. Fear of being betrayed. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being used...

In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.

I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).

But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.

I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.

I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)

And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.

We All Need The Clowns To Make Us Smile...

Someone should invent a device that when used properly will allow you to discontinue any thought(s) that you have that you don't want to have. Like you could literally control your mind and your thought process. If I don't wanna sit here and think about how hungry I am (or to better put it, how I'm not even hungry I just want to EAT), I could just magically stop. If I don't wanna think about someone, I simply just won't. I'll block them from my brain and never think about them again if I don't want to. I'll stop thinking/worrying about things I have no control over, cuz that's just stupid anyway. I'll stop remembering things that upset me or make me angry. It wouldn't matter if I didn't understand something cuz I could just take the thought and throw it away and it'd be gone and meaningless and whatevs. Ah, that would be the life.

I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?

I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).

Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?

And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.

Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...

It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?

How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.

Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.

The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.

I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?

Yeah. Exactly.

She Says She Doesn't Care, But Her Eyes Tell A Different Story...

I am sad.

So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.

But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.

I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...

I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.

I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.

Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.

I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...

I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...

So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.

Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.

My heart just...hurts.