I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.
It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.
Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.
It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.
I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.
I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.
I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.
I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.
I have to.
All My Love... Lo xx
The more I read what you write the more I wish I knew you better. Just knowing you the bit I do I can already tell that you are an immensely fantastic, caring, sweet, funny overall spectacular woman and you genuinely add to the quality of life to all those you interact with.
ReplyDeleteYou're not afraid to be open and honest and that is something that I can not tell you how much I appreciate.
When you said "I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with." I felt instantly connected this. I can always find something to relate to in your writings but this is something I especially have a hard time with. I can not express how comforting it is to know that I am not the only one so I just want to give you a huge thanks for sharing your words because they are read and valued by myself and others.