I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...

Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.

So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.

I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.

What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.

I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.

I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.

Insecurity... :(

Do you ever feel like there's some secret that everyone is in on except for you? Or that you're like on display or something? That's how I feel... I feel like people are saying things about me and judging me and in fact I know it's true to some extent, but I don't understand why. I'm not a perfect person and I have a LOT of ways that I can improve myself, and I'm truly trying to make those changes. I am too needy of affection and love. I know that I am insecure and I read into things too much sometimes, but I can't help but feel like I've done something and I don't know what. In regard to a few different situations.

I really haven't even talked much to anyone lately in depth so I don't even know what reason there is to talk about me. I probably sound conceited or like I think I'm so important to think people even care about me enough to talk about me, but I can't shake the feeling. And I just don't know the cause. It shouldn't bother me if people don't like me but more than that, it's upsetting to think that I've done something to hurt someone somehow and don't even know it. That really bothers me.

If anything I think I am TOO honest and/or share too much, but only about myself, and I don't talk badly about people and I don't gossip and I don't share things that aren't mine to share. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a liar. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. Something happens and people just stop talking to me without a word or any explanation, and because of things that have happened in the past, I'm extremely hurt by it. (There is one person with whom this has happened and this is definitely not about them; they're not worth even a second of anyone's time.) Besides the fact that a person or people don't want to associate with me anymore, I don't even know the reason, and I'm not worth enough to them to talk to me about it. If I ever hurt or offend or disrespect someone I would obviously want the opportunity to correct and/or apologize for what I've done, intentional or not. I'm not a malicious person and I don't wish bad on anyone. I just don't understand.

Maybe talking/writing about myself somehow causes drama around me. My intent has always just been to try and be better, to try and heal by getting thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can try and make sense of things. I didn't have any intent to affect anyone else nor do I intend to try and "reach" anyone when I write, this blog isn't even about any specific person or thing going on. I simply write to try and get it out of my brain that never seems to stop, nothing to do with anyone else. I'd never want to do anything to hurt or harm anyone. And I've no idea what I could've done so bad that I'm not even worth enough to talk to me about it rather than just write me off. I'm too sensitive, but I am who I am. That's all. I'm sorry for it.

I Don't Wanna Be A Book of Endings...

I'm incredibly frustrated. I feel like some things in my life right now are some sort of big joke. Kinda like someone's sitting and laughing at me... Like I'm naive and stupid.

I'm sick of letting people hurt me just because I love them too much to get them out of my life. Friendship has always been huge in my life; I didn't have my parents around a lot when I was younger so my friends have always been more like family to me. It's not fair that people take advantage of me and it's not fair that people make judgments on me, especially based on inaccurate information, when I don't even deserve it. Like... I'm fucking done with this shit. I'm sick of people treating me like shit I guess just because they can. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am worth more than certain situations I have in my life. And I don't know how to stop caring and letting them hurt me. Because I'm too scared of losing them to stand up for myself. I know you just thought, "But if you'd lose them for that they're not worth it anyway" or "if they hurt you over and over, they don't deserve you or your friendship anyway". I get that, and though I don't completely agree, it's a moot point because I don't know how to stop caring and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying so damn hard and I just don't know.

I don't want to lose anyone because they're important to me. Whether or not they deserve my time and friendship, the fact remains that I can't change my feelings, I can't just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone. And I love the people in my life. I've lost enough people that I value, my friends mean the world to me, I don't want to lose anyone else. I've dealt with so much loss... The thought of more just breaks my heart.

I know that I am the answer to this. I am the only one I can change, and I'm the one letting people hurt me and not treat me like a friend should be treated. I know that I deserve better than that. And I don't think any of these people do it intentionally. I just feel stuck. I don't want to keep getting sad and hurt, and I don't want to lose people that I really care about. And although I know that I need to let them go regardless because I don't deserve some things, I don't know how to stop caring, to stop wanting them in my life. I don't know how to forget the reasons we became friends to begin with.

I think this goes back to something that happened a few years ago... Sometimes I feel like people find it really easy to just stop caring about me, like it's so easy for them to just drop me and move on with their lives without even a second thought. I just can't seem to figure out how to do that, and it makes me feel weak, and stupid, and...worthless. I can't change anyone else, I can only change me and what I allow and how I react. I can't complain about someone or something hurting me over and over when I don't just rid my life of those negative influences and therefore continue to allow it. Things and people that are already in my heart, regardless of their current actions (or non-actions), I don't know how to get them out.

How do you just stop caring? How do you find the strength to let go of friendships you love and value? I think it's the hope that at some point they'll go back to the person you met and cared for to begin with. But that may never happen. Unfortunately people don't always show their true selves at the beginning. It makes me feel stupid for believing them, though. Like in some ways I feel very naive, just because I want to believe the best in people, and I want to believe that everyone will be as up front and honest about things as I am. But that's not realistic anymore. It's just not.

I'm so sick of rudeness, and lies, and people talking badly about me with things that aren't even true. I'm tired of being judged by people who think they know me, that make inaccurate assumptions without even actually getting to know me. I wish my friends would stick up for me when people make up stories about me, or even just have wrong ideas. I wish I was important enough to them that they'd tell people who I really am. I wish I was important enough in general. Or I wish I didn't care anymore. Yeah. Mostly I wish I didn't care.

I'm so pathetic, I know. I'm truly trying as hard as I can to be a stronger person, and I'm not making excuses for myself. I just feel lost, I feel like I'm losing hope. Everytime I think I'm getting ahead even the smallest bit, something knocks me on my ass, and I'm so discouraged because it feels like any progress I've made is just gone. It's just been a very hard few months...okay, or like 6 months. I know I'm stronger than I feel and I know that things could very easily be much worse than they are.

I just... I just want to be happy. That's seriously all I want in life. That probably sounds pathetic too; I don't have any big dreams or huge things that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a good, comfortable life and be happy. Again, that's probably pretty pathetic to people who have huge dreams and goals in life, but it is what it is... I don't need to be the headliner. I've struggled in many ways over the 26 years of my life, and I know what I value. Family, love, friendship. I don't have to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want a job that means something to me, for whatever reason. I want to be able to pick up and travel and see new places often. And I want to do it with people I love.

I just want to be happy. I'm trying to be patient and do what I can to make things the best that I can. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and surrounding myself with good people, who care for me very much. I'm just struggling. Doesn't mean I'm giving up and life isn't easy... Just struggling, and a little lost... But I'm working on it. Doing the best I can. And right now, that's all I can do.

And With A Broken Wing, She Still Sings...

I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.

It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.

Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.

It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.

I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.

I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.

I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.

I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.

I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.

I have to.

All My Love... Lo xx

Every Action Has An Equal & Opposite Reaction...

I think it's difficult for (many) people to not complain or pity themselves when they are in a bad or crappy situation. Speaking for me, I know that when I let myself get down (because no one/nothing can make us feel or be any way unless we allow it to) that I want to vent and whine and complain about how bad it is. The thing is that more than likely, there's someone, somewhere who is going through or dealing with something much worse than what I am. Something may feel like the end of (my) world and sometimes I feel like I have nothing left in myself to live for. Learning how to deal with stressful situations and how to cope with bad things in life that we have no control over is something that I think you have to do with experience. And for some of us it's obviously harder than others, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. And actually it doesn't mean we're weak. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. You have to find a way to grow and learn; if you continue to do what you've always done, you'll always end up with the same results.

If you have deliberately done something to put yourself in a situation... suck it up and deal with it like an adult. Take responsibility for your actions and don't try to find someone who will take pity on you so you can justify something to yourself or make yourself feel better. We can ask for forgiveness but unfortunately it doesn't mean it has to be given. Sometimes it just can't be forgiven... That's life. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The difference, in my opinion, is that there are mistakes and then there are actions that directly reflect your character and your morals and your values in life. Basically, things we do are a huge part of what defines us. We can say a lot of things but if our actions don't reflect that or are the complete opposite, then what do words really mean? You can be upset if people lose their trust in you or their respect for you and/or don't want to have you in their lives -- no one has any right to tell you how you can or can't feel about something. But remember that they also have every right to feel how they do and also that those feelings are a direct effect of actions that you took or things that you said or did. And just because someone may not be directly involved in a situation doesn't mean they can't also be hurt or have an opinion about it.

Unrelated situationally, but sort of related I suppose... Someone said to me recently, "How does anything anyone else thinks ever actually affect me?" I have never thought before about just how true that is. Obviously it can be upsetting if someone doesn't like us or doesn't agree with decisions we make or things we do or anything else. I absolutely hate it if people don't like me. But why do I need their acceptance? What makes them so special that my happiness (for lack of a better word) should be based off of their opinion of me? There is no reason. I have amazing people in my life and those people are with me for some reason(s) and that's something that I know I need to remember. Sometimes other people can see things within us that we can't, for whatever reason. Judgment is a part of life; someone, somewhere will always be judging us in some way. It's about living with yourself and coming to terms with your actions and words and life experiences. The things we do will always be a part of and a reflection of us, good or bad. Some will stand out more than others, good or bad. Some won't matter five years from now and some will. I try to live my life with respect, honesty, compassion, kindness and love. We all falter at some point to some extent. There are, however, certain things I know I will never do and certain lines that I will never cross. The past is the past and there is absolutely no way to change it, so it's not worth dwelling on. If you did something shitty - doesn't matter, you can't go back and change it. But you can continue to be the person who did it or you can become a better person. You can't change the past or make it go away, but your future is (at least partially) within your control. What you choose to do is on you.

To an extent I think we're defined by our lives up to this point, at least outwardly as far as how other people see us. I want people to see me in a positive light, but I am at least content within myself with how I've lived my life and how I continue to try live my life, with the things that I value and want and do etc. etc. That's not to say I haven't made any mistakes because I most definitely have. I mean that I've come to terms with decisions I've made and things I've done for myself. No one is responsible for my life except for me. I was unhappy with my life and myself. I could decide to work to change it and make it better or I could pity myself and continue to look to others to give me "happiness" that in reality can only come from me. I haven't gotten to where I need/want to be yet, but I'm working on it and figuring it out. The responsibility is mine and mine alone. Others can support us and help us up when we fall but it ultimately comes down to only ourselves. It comes down to me.

X