Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.
So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.
I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.
What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.
I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.
I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.
Oh Lola. I will never tire of listening, for as long as you need to speak. No matter what it is. Over and over and over again, I am your friend. I am here for you, always. Love you <333333
ReplyDeleteExactly what De said. You are adored by many and even when you're not feeling your best you bring so much joy, love and greatness into the lives of so many people. I love you more than words can express <3
ReplyDeleteOh, Loren, maybe you can't see that you are loved from the darkness that you're in but you are loved. I hope you can learn to believe it.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite bands is The Avett Brothers and one of their songs says "If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected." You are loved. You have no idea who is out there, seeing you go through all of this, and admiring you for going on and still loving. Don't give up on yourself or life or others because you never know who is coming along. YOU ARE LOVED. (I'm about to start singing Josh Groban's song . . .)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t43VgJ4U9_Q