I sit and listen to a man talk and laugh with co-workers. A man who lost his beloved wife suddenly two weeks ago. And here I sit, wishing I didn't have to live anymore. And I feel worse because not only do I no longer value life, but I am so depressed and so sad that I can barely stand it. Yet this man who has just suffered this great loss is okay, he's making it, he's getting through the day. And I want to give up and die. I've not recently experienced a loss such as his, but I cannot figure out how to overcome things. How to face losing everything and everyone. How to find happiness again.
And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.
I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.
I just want it all to stop.
I am a horrible human being.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Skies Are Crying, I Am Watching...
Last night I dreamt that you'd died. And the sad part is, I was actually jealous.
Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.
I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.
People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?
Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?
Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.
No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.
What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.
You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.
People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.
So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.
I'm sorry.
Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.
I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.
People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?
Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?
Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.
No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.
What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.
You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.
People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.
So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.
I'm sorry.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...
Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.
So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.
I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.
What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.
I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.
I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.
So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.
I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.
What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.
I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.
I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I Am Alone At A Crossroads...
I'm not sure how to start this post, haha... I know what I want to say but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just try and jump right in..
I feel like I've really turned a corner this week. Nothing really happened so to speak, it's kind of just like a switch flipped in my head. I decided I'm just... I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself. I decided that I feel this way because I allow myself to... I have to make a conscious decision to flat-out not allow the things that get me down to get to me. To be honest I'm not sure it's completely possible, but I feel confident right now so I'm goin' with it LOL...
My perspective has changed on some things going on in my life and I feel a little less stressed about them. I also just kind of decided to focus on anything good and be content with what is. I don't like the way that some people look at or portray me, and I realize how much of that is based on things I've said or done. And I don't want that. The person that I am, truly, is not who I've been for the last 6 months. I had this huge epiphany about myself last summer and between doubt and insecurity and pain... I lost myself. Basically I think it was because I allowed circumstances to take me over. Instead of continuing on my path to become the person I want and need to be, I let the actions of other people and events that are out of my control make me lose focus on all the good that I'd found, in my life and the people in it, and within myself. Although some things are not exactly as I want them to be, I have a great life. And even if some things are bad, or hurt, they're not going to affect me forever. Even if it feels like it, they won't.
I was thinking the other day about how some things that happen seem like the biggest deal ever at the time that they happen... And now looking back on them they're practically like...not only insignificant but in some cases they could have never even happened and today, it wouldn't even matter, things would be exactly the same. It's just kind of funny.
Anyway, I know this is really just a bunch of babble and it probably doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I just felt like sharing. I don't know for sure I'll be able to continue in this mindset but I feel really good about it right now. Things aren't perfect but they never will be - nothing is ever really perfect. The only thing that I can control about my life is myself, my actions and my reactions. I don't have to allow things to take over my life just because they hurt me... I'm stronger than that, I just have to remember it.
Life isn't worth living if we don't enjoy it. Even if things aren't okay, they will be. There will always be hurt and pain, but it doesn't have to rule our lives. It doesn't change who we are, it just makes things hard for a little while. I'm tired of being the girl who's always upset, complaining, crying...that's not me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I miss the person I know I am... Circumstances aren't going to rule my life anymore.
X
I feel like I've really turned a corner this week. Nothing really happened so to speak, it's kind of just like a switch flipped in my head. I decided I'm just... I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself. I decided that I feel this way because I allow myself to... I have to make a conscious decision to flat-out not allow the things that get me down to get to me. To be honest I'm not sure it's completely possible, but I feel confident right now so I'm goin' with it LOL...
My perspective has changed on some things going on in my life and I feel a little less stressed about them. I also just kind of decided to focus on anything good and be content with what is. I don't like the way that some people look at or portray me, and I realize how much of that is based on things I've said or done. And I don't want that. The person that I am, truly, is not who I've been for the last 6 months. I had this huge epiphany about myself last summer and between doubt and insecurity and pain... I lost myself. Basically I think it was because I allowed circumstances to take me over. Instead of continuing on my path to become the person I want and need to be, I let the actions of other people and events that are out of my control make me lose focus on all the good that I'd found, in my life and the people in it, and within myself. Although some things are not exactly as I want them to be, I have a great life. And even if some things are bad, or hurt, they're not going to affect me forever. Even if it feels like it, they won't.
I was thinking the other day about how some things that happen seem like the biggest deal ever at the time that they happen... And now looking back on them they're practically like...not only insignificant but in some cases they could have never even happened and today, it wouldn't even matter, things would be exactly the same. It's just kind of funny.
Anyway, I know this is really just a bunch of babble and it probably doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I just felt like sharing. I don't know for sure I'll be able to continue in this mindset but I feel really good about it right now. Things aren't perfect but they never will be - nothing is ever really perfect. The only thing that I can control about my life is myself, my actions and my reactions. I don't have to allow things to take over my life just because they hurt me... I'm stronger than that, I just have to remember it.
Life isn't worth living if we don't enjoy it. Even if things aren't okay, they will be. There will always be hurt and pain, but it doesn't have to rule our lives. It doesn't change who we are, it just makes things hard for a little while. I'm tired of being the girl who's always upset, complaining, crying...that's not me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I miss the person I know I am... Circumstances aren't going to rule my life anymore.
X
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Insecurity... :(
Do you ever feel like there's some secret that everyone is in on except for you? Or that you're like on display or something? That's how I feel... I feel like people are saying things about me and judging me and in fact I know it's true to some extent, but I don't understand why. I'm not a perfect person and I have a LOT of ways that I can improve myself, and I'm truly trying to make those changes. I am too needy of affection and love. I know that I am insecure and I read into things too much sometimes, but I can't help but feel like I've done something and I don't know what. In regard to a few different situations.
I really haven't even talked much to anyone lately in depth so I don't even know what reason there is to talk about me. I probably sound conceited or like I think I'm so important to think people even care about me enough to talk about me, but I can't shake the feeling. And I just don't know the cause. It shouldn't bother me if people don't like me but more than that, it's upsetting to think that I've done something to hurt someone somehow and don't even know it. That really bothers me.
If anything I think I am TOO honest and/or share too much, but only about myself, and I don't talk badly about people and I don't gossip and I don't share things that aren't mine to share. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a liar. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. Something happens and people just stop talking to me without a word or any explanation, and because of things that have happened in the past, I'm extremely hurt by it. (There is one person with whom this has happened and this is definitely not about them; they're not worth even a second of anyone's time.) Besides the fact that a person or people don't want to associate with me anymore, I don't even know the reason, and I'm not worth enough to them to talk to me about it. If I ever hurt or offend or disrespect someone I would obviously want the opportunity to correct and/or apologize for what I've done, intentional or not. I'm not a malicious person and I don't wish bad on anyone. I just don't understand.
Maybe talking/writing about myself somehow causes drama around me. My intent has always just been to try and be better, to try and heal by getting thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can try and make sense of things. I didn't have any intent to affect anyone else nor do I intend to try and "reach" anyone when I write, this blog isn't even about any specific person or thing going on. I simply write to try and get it out of my brain that never seems to stop, nothing to do with anyone else. I'd never want to do anything to hurt or harm anyone. And I've no idea what I could've done so bad that I'm not even worth enough to talk to me about it rather than just write me off. I'm too sensitive, but I am who I am. That's all. I'm sorry for it.
I really haven't even talked much to anyone lately in depth so I don't even know what reason there is to talk about me. I probably sound conceited or like I think I'm so important to think people even care about me enough to talk about me, but I can't shake the feeling. And I just don't know the cause. It shouldn't bother me if people don't like me but more than that, it's upsetting to think that I've done something to hurt someone somehow and don't even know it. That really bothers me.
If anything I think I am TOO honest and/or share too much, but only about myself, and I don't talk badly about people and I don't gossip and I don't share things that aren't mine to share. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a liar. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. Something happens and people just stop talking to me without a word or any explanation, and because of things that have happened in the past, I'm extremely hurt by it. (There is one person with whom this has happened and this is definitely not about them; they're not worth even a second of anyone's time.) Besides the fact that a person or people don't want to associate with me anymore, I don't even know the reason, and I'm not worth enough to them to talk to me about it. If I ever hurt or offend or disrespect someone I would obviously want the opportunity to correct and/or apologize for what I've done, intentional or not. I'm not a malicious person and I don't wish bad on anyone. I just don't understand.
Maybe talking/writing about myself somehow causes drama around me. My intent has always just been to try and be better, to try and heal by getting thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can try and make sense of things. I didn't have any intent to affect anyone else nor do I intend to try and "reach" anyone when I write, this blog isn't even about any specific person or thing going on. I simply write to try and get it out of my brain that never seems to stop, nothing to do with anyone else. I'd never want to do anything to hurt or harm anyone. And I've no idea what I could've done so bad that I'm not even worth enough to talk to me about it rather than just write me off. I'm too sensitive, but I am who I am. That's all. I'm sorry for it.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I Followed The Voice You Gave To Me...
It's very difficult to work so hard for something, in every way you know how really, and to never seem to be able to make any progress. It's very discouraging. I've realized that's what my problem is. When something happens that knocks me off my feet and I fall, it makes me feel like I haven't actually made any improvement and I'm right back where I started, which devastates me and every single even slightly imperfect thing or situation in my life is suddenly overwhelmingly awful. Obviously this isn't completely the case as I've learned a lot from many of the things I've been through; it's just disheartening to think you're getting somewhere to find or feel like you're in the same place. And when it just spirals into every aspect of my life, I tear myself apart...
I've been trying very hard to stop focusing on the negative. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do it. I have no idea why I am this way..and frankly I still don't know how to change it. I know what and who I want to be, but I don't know how to make it happen. I know it has to come from me. How do you take the strength that you know you have somewhere deep down and bring it to the surface? How do you make yourself believe in you again?
I've been trying to figure out specifically what it was that led me to the changes last summer. I suddenly found myself knowing what I wanted, how to get it, and that I actually did deserve it. For the first time in years, I knew that the person that I am is okay. Of course there are things I'd like to improve or change about myself, but I knew that my faults are not what define me. There is no perfect person; it's about acknowledging those flaws, changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. And focusing on the good qualities that you possess. Something made me lose that belief in myself... The belief that I am worth it, I am special, I am okay as who I am. I think I felt like the people who believed in me most and gave me the most support didn't believe in me or even care about me anymore, or that they had decided I wasn't good enough after all... I know I have to find it in myself, I cannot rely on others for that. However, it's difficult when you're trying to build yourself up, finding that self-worth, making your life what you want to make it... Not to lose faith in yourself when someone else does, when everything is so new. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else or not. It's just difficult to go from years of believing you're not worth anything to, well, anything else. Difficult, but not impossible. There are a lot of things we WANT to hear, but that doesn't mean we NEED to hear them. It's easy to forget that. Confidence, faith, strength, love for yourself, all comes from within. It feels great for someone to tell you that you're beautiful, but your vision or idea of yourself shouldn't rely on hearing that. You should know what you are and be proud of it without "needing" to hear it from the mouth of another.
I'm rambling. I just want to get back on track. I want to get back into the mindset that I was in this summer... I want to get back that faith in myself that I can't seem to find anymore. I'm working on it every day.
I was going to delete some of the past blogs that I've posted here... I'm a bit torn. This blog has been an outlet just for me, I don't write it for anyone else specifically to read. Feedback and hearing that people care is wonderful, but I don't do it for anyone else. I've worried many times that I share too much, that some things are too personal to be posted on my blog, as even though it is personal, it's certainly far from private being on the internet. I'm not a poetic or "artistic" sort of writer in any way; the topics, in my opinion, even if not blatant, that I write about are generally not difficult to recognize. Some of you have said that some of my posts have helped you, even if only to know that you are not alone in certain ways you think or feel. For that reason I've decided to leave them. I think I'll be more careful with what I post in the future, and I'll assume that everyone reads what I write (rather than thinking "so-and-so won't read this anyway, they don't follow my blog") because realistically I really never know who is seeing it. It's written for me, to let things out and to try to make sense of life, and for anyone that actually does benefit from my words for any reason at all. I hope I'm not wrong to continue.
Thank you to the people who haven't given up on me, even when I give up on myself, and feel I don't have any will or reason to go on with anything anymore. I'm sorry for those days... I want to rid my life of them permanently. Until I do...just thank you. And I'm sorry there's anyone I've hurt.
Edit: I did delete a few past blogs that I've realized were very misunderstood. I don't care what strangers think about me but I do care about what those who know me think. Perception can be a shitty thing, when it leads to incorrect assumptions. That's all I can say.
I've been trying very hard to stop focusing on the negative. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do it. I have no idea why I am this way..and frankly I still don't know how to change it. I know what and who I want to be, but I don't know how to make it happen. I know it has to come from me. How do you take the strength that you know you have somewhere deep down and bring it to the surface? How do you make yourself believe in you again?
I've been trying to figure out specifically what it was that led me to the changes last summer. I suddenly found myself knowing what I wanted, how to get it, and that I actually did deserve it. For the first time in years, I knew that the person that I am is okay. Of course there are things I'd like to improve or change about myself, but I knew that my faults are not what define me. There is no perfect person; it's about acknowledging those flaws, changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. And focusing on the good qualities that you possess. Something made me lose that belief in myself... The belief that I am worth it, I am special, I am okay as who I am. I think I felt like the people who believed in me most and gave me the most support didn't believe in me or even care about me anymore, or that they had decided I wasn't good enough after all... I know I have to find it in myself, I cannot rely on others for that. However, it's difficult when you're trying to build yourself up, finding that self-worth, making your life what you want to make it... Not to lose faith in yourself when someone else does, when everything is so new. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else or not. It's just difficult to go from years of believing you're not worth anything to, well, anything else. Difficult, but not impossible. There are a lot of things we WANT to hear, but that doesn't mean we NEED to hear them. It's easy to forget that. Confidence, faith, strength, love for yourself, all comes from within. It feels great for someone to tell you that you're beautiful, but your vision or idea of yourself shouldn't rely on hearing that. You should know what you are and be proud of it without "needing" to hear it from the mouth of another.
I'm rambling. I just want to get back on track. I want to get back into the mindset that I was in this summer... I want to get back that faith in myself that I can't seem to find anymore. I'm working on it every day.
I was going to delete some of the past blogs that I've posted here... I'm a bit torn. This blog has been an outlet just for me, I don't write it for anyone else specifically to read. Feedback and hearing that people care is wonderful, but I don't do it for anyone else. I've worried many times that I share too much, that some things are too personal to be posted on my blog, as even though it is personal, it's certainly far from private being on the internet. I'm not a poetic or "artistic" sort of writer in any way; the topics, in my opinion, even if not blatant, that I write about are generally not difficult to recognize. Some of you have said that some of my posts have helped you, even if only to know that you are not alone in certain ways you think or feel. For that reason I've decided to leave them. I think I'll be more careful with what I post in the future, and I'll assume that everyone reads what I write (rather than thinking "so-and-so won't read this anyway, they don't follow my blog") because realistically I really never know who is seeing it. It's written for me, to let things out and to try to make sense of life, and for anyone that actually does benefit from my words for any reason at all. I hope I'm not wrong to continue.
Thank you to the people who haven't given up on me, even when I give up on myself, and feel I don't have any will or reason to go on with anything anymore. I'm sorry for those days... I want to rid my life of them permanently. Until I do...just thank you. And I'm sorry there's anyone I've hurt.
Edit: I did delete a few past blogs that I've realized were very misunderstood. I don't care what strangers think about me but I do care about what those who know me think. Perception can be a shitty thing, when it leads to incorrect assumptions. That's all I can say.
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