It's very difficult to work so hard for something, in every way you know how really, and to never seem to be able to make any progress. It's very discouraging. I've realized that's what my problem is. When something happens that knocks me off my feet and I fall, it makes me feel like I haven't actually made any improvement and I'm right back where I started, which devastates me and every single even slightly imperfect thing or situation in my life is suddenly overwhelmingly awful. Obviously this isn't completely the case as I've learned a lot from many of the things I've been through; it's just disheartening to think you're getting somewhere to find or feel like you're in the same place. And when it just spirals into every aspect of my life, I tear myself apart...
I've been trying very hard to stop focusing on the negative. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do it. I have no idea why I am this way..and frankly I still don't know how to change it. I know what and who I want to be, but I don't know how to make it happen. I know it has to come from me. How do you take the strength that you know you have somewhere deep down and bring it to the surface? How do you make yourself believe in you again?
I've been trying to figure out specifically what it was that led me to the changes last summer. I suddenly found myself knowing what I wanted, how to get it, and that I actually did deserve it. For the first time in years, I knew that the person that I am is okay. Of course there are things I'd like to improve or change about myself, but I knew that my faults are not what define me. There is no perfect person; it's about acknowledging those flaws, changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. And focusing on the good qualities that you possess. Something made me lose that belief in myself... The belief that I am worth it, I am special, I am okay as who I am. I think I felt like the people who believed in me most and gave me the most support didn't believe in me or even care about me anymore, or that they had decided I wasn't good enough after all... I know I have to find it in myself, I cannot rely on others for that. However, it's difficult when you're trying to build yourself up, finding that self-worth, making your life what you want to make it... Not to lose faith in yourself when someone else does, when everything is so new. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else or not. It's just difficult to go from years of believing you're not worth anything to, well, anything else. Difficult, but not impossible. There are a lot of things we WANT to hear, but that doesn't mean we NEED to hear them. It's easy to forget that. Confidence, faith, strength, love for yourself, all comes from within. It feels great for someone to tell you that you're beautiful, but your vision or idea of yourself shouldn't rely on hearing that. You should know what you are and be proud of it without "needing" to hear it from the mouth of another.
I'm rambling. I just want to get back on track. I want to get back into the mindset that I was in this summer... I want to get back that faith in myself that I can't seem to find anymore. I'm working on it every day.
I was going to delete some of the past blogs that I've posted here... I'm a bit torn. This blog has been an outlet just for me, I don't write it for anyone else specifically to read. Feedback and hearing that people care is wonderful, but I don't do it for anyone else. I've worried many times that I share too much, that some things are too personal to be posted on my blog, as even though it is personal, it's certainly far from private being on the internet. I'm not a poetic or "artistic" sort of writer in any way; the topics, in my opinion, even if not blatant, that I write about are generally not difficult to recognize. Some of you have said that some of my posts have helped you, even if only to know that you are not alone in certain ways you think or feel. For that reason I've decided to leave them. I think I'll be more careful with what I post in the future, and I'll assume that everyone reads what I write (rather than thinking "so-and-so won't read this anyway, they don't follow my blog") because realistically I really never know who is seeing it. It's written for me, to let things out and to try to make sense of life, and for anyone that actually does benefit from my words for any reason at all. I hope I'm not wrong to continue.
Thank you to the people who haven't given up on me, even when I give up on myself, and feel I don't have any will or reason to go on with anything anymore. I'm sorry for those days... I want to rid my life of them permanently. Until I do...just thank you. And I'm sorry there's anyone I've hurt.
Edit: I did delete a few past blogs that I've realized were very misunderstood. I don't care what strangers think about me but I do care about what those who know me think. Perception can be a shitty thing, when it leads to incorrect assumptions. That's all I can say.
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