Something's Gone Terribly Wrong...

Sometimes it feels like my life isn't "real life" .. like I'm looking in on someone else's life or watching a movie or something.

Sometimes I wish that was actually the case. It would mean the pain that comes with different events in life isn't real to me, and I could separate from it, look on it from an outside perspective instead of feeling it so intensely. I've had people tell me that I'm so empathetic (sometimes I think pathetic is the key word) that I feel others' feelings almost as if they were my own, which is why I care so much about the people I love being happy. But it shouldn't be at the expense or instead of my own happiness. And I feel everything much deeper than I care to. The good and the bad.

The anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching... I'm not doing so well. You'd think after 4 years it'd be a little easier. And maybe in some ways it is, I guess. But I still don't know how to deal with the...ache I feel in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it.

I thought I was on the right track, but I don't know. Hopefully I can get back on. I feel so weak and pathetic and stupid when things take me over. And I'm sorry to the people who are close to me for when this happens, and don't tell me not to apologize because it really upsets me and I feel terrible. I know it hurts you to see me hurting... I'm trying really hard to be strong and rise above everything. I really am. And I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling so much.

But I love you. Eventually maybe I'll be stronger. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith again. I feel lost and sad and hurt. I don't know how to finish grieving and stop feeling that loss every single day. I don't know how to walk away from things that hurt because they're also things that make me happy. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. I wish that I could totally wipe the slate clean; clear of all this loss and hurt and anything else and start totally fresh, and I just don't know how to do it and make the pain go away. How do you stop hurting when the reason you hurt is you miss someone who can never, ever come back?

I don't think I really know the answer to anything anymore to be honest. I've lost myself.