I can't keep expecting people to be decent. I can't keep expecting people to be considerate of others. I thought I could expect these things from people who are friends, but I am proven wrong over and over. And I'm tired of it. I'm sick of the entire fucking human race at this point, and every stupid day of this stupid fucking life. If no matter how hard you try, you can never make anything any better and you can never succeed in what you want most, then I ask you,
What in the FUCK is the point?
So disappointed. So, so disappointed. So hurt. One day I am quite sure it will actually kill me. At least then there will be peace.
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2012
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Skies Are Crying, I Am Watching...
Last night I dreamt that you'd died. And the sad part is, I was actually jealous.
Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.
I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.
People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?
Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?
Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.
No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.
What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.
You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.
People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.
So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.
I'm sorry.
Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.
I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.
People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?
Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?
Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.
No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.
What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.
You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.
People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.
So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.
I'm sorry.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Something's Gone Terribly Wrong...
Sometimes it feels like my life isn't "real life" .. like I'm looking in on someone else's life or watching a movie or something.
Sometimes I wish that was actually the case. It would mean the pain that comes with different events in life isn't real to me, and I could separate from it, look on it from an outside perspective instead of feeling it so intensely. I've had people tell me that I'm so empathetic (sometimes I think pathetic is the key word) that I feel others' feelings almost as if they were my own, which is why I care so much about the people I love being happy. But it shouldn't be at the expense or instead of my own happiness. And I feel everything much deeper than I care to. The good and the bad.
The anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching... I'm not doing so well. You'd think after 4 years it'd be a little easier. And maybe in some ways it is, I guess. But I still don't know how to deal with the...ache I feel in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it.
I thought I was on the right track, but I don't know. Hopefully I can get back on. I feel so weak and pathetic and stupid when things take me over. And I'm sorry to the people who are close to me for when this happens, and don't tell me not to apologize because it really upsets me and I feel terrible. I know it hurts you to see me hurting... I'm trying really hard to be strong and rise above everything. I really am. And I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling so much.
But I love you. Eventually maybe I'll be stronger. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith again. I feel lost and sad and hurt. I don't know how to finish grieving and stop feeling that loss every single day. I don't know how to walk away from things that hurt because they're also things that make me happy. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. I wish that I could totally wipe the slate clean; clear of all this loss and hurt and anything else and start totally fresh, and I just don't know how to do it and make the pain go away. How do you stop hurting when the reason you hurt is you miss someone who can never, ever come back?
I don't think I really know the answer to anything anymore to be honest. I've lost myself.
Sometimes I wish that was actually the case. It would mean the pain that comes with different events in life isn't real to me, and I could separate from it, look on it from an outside perspective instead of feeling it so intensely. I've had people tell me that I'm so empathetic (sometimes I think pathetic is the key word) that I feel others' feelings almost as if they were my own, which is why I care so much about the people I love being happy. But it shouldn't be at the expense or instead of my own happiness. And I feel everything much deeper than I care to. The good and the bad.
The anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching... I'm not doing so well. You'd think after 4 years it'd be a little easier. And maybe in some ways it is, I guess. But I still don't know how to deal with the...ache I feel in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it.
I thought I was on the right track, but I don't know. Hopefully I can get back on. I feel so weak and pathetic and stupid when things take me over. And I'm sorry to the people who are close to me for when this happens, and don't tell me not to apologize because it really upsets me and I feel terrible. I know it hurts you to see me hurting... I'm trying really hard to be strong and rise above everything. I really am. And I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling so much.
But I love you. Eventually maybe I'll be stronger. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith again. I feel lost and sad and hurt. I don't know how to finish grieving and stop feeling that loss every single day. I don't know how to walk away from things that hurt because they're also things that make me happy. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. I wish that I could totally wipe the slate clean; clear of all this loss and hurt and anything else and start totally fresh, and I just don't know how to do it and make the pain go away. How do you stop hurting when the reason you hurt is you miss someone who can never, ever come back?
I don't think I really know the answer to anything anymore to be honest. I've lost myself.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Maybe This Is Wishful Thinking, Probably Mindless Dreaming...
There are certain things in life that should be free. Things that no one profits on, that everyone just gets. Or can get at an average, set price. Water, basic foods, basic clothing. Even homes, health insurance, transportation. Even if there was a standard and everything was the same. People with means could always "upgrade" if they felt the need, but at least everyone would have the basics. No one would be hungry, no one would be homeless. Some people probably don't consider the same things to be necessities as others, but certain things keep us alive and allow life around us (schools, jobs, medical facilities, etc.) to continue functioning day after day. Everyone should have an opportunity to live.
When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...
Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.
I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.
Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.
It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.
I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.
A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.
Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.
Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.
Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.
When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...
Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.
I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.
Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.
It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.
I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.
A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.
Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.
Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.
Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
And With A Broken Wing, She Still Sings...
I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.
It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.
Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.
It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.
I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.
I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.
I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.
I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.
I have to.
All My Love... Lo xx
It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.
Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.
It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.
I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.
I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.
I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.
I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.
I have to.
All My Love... Lo xx
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
We All Need The Clowns To Make Us Smile...
Someone should invent a device that when used properly will allow you to discontinue any thought(s) that you have that you don't want to have. Like you could literally control your mind and your thought process. If I don't wanna sit here and think about how hungry I am (or to better put it, how I'm not even hungry I just want to EAT), I could just magically stop. If I don't wanna think about someone, I simply just won't. I'll block them from my brain and never think about them again if I don't want to. I'll stop thinking/worrying about things I have no control over, cuz that's just stupid anyway. I'll stop remembering things that upset me or make me angry. It wouldn't matter if I didn't understand something cuz I could just take the thought and throw it away and it'd be gone and meaningless and whatevs. Ah, that would be the life.
I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?
I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).
Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?
And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.
Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...
It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?
How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.
Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.
The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.
I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?
Yeah. Exactly.
I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?
I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).
Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?
And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.
Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...
It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?
How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.
Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.
The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.
I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?
Yeah. Exactly.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I'll Be Wishing That I Never Said Goodbye, What If...
Today has felt really weird to me for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, I can't place exactly what was making me feel it, but something has just seemed off. Nothing out of the ordinary has really happened so I'm sure it was nothing. It's just weird to have those kinds of nagging thoughts sometimes...
I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.
He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.
I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.
I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.
It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.
I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.
I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.
He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.
I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.
I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.
It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.
I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
She Says She Doesn't Care, But Her Eyes Tell A Different Story...
I am sad.
So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.
But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.
I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...
I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.
I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.
Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.
I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...
I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...
So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.
Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.
My heart just...hurts.
So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.
But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.
I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...
I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.
I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.
Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.
I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...
I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...
So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.
Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.
My heart just...hurts.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Isolation.
Sitting alone, wrapped in a blanket, I'm staring at the TV but not actually watching.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.
I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.
No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.
For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...
I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.
I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.
No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.
For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...
I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.
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