This Was The Very First Page, Not Where The Storyline Ends...

People always say to "take it one day at a time" or some other general cliche. I was watching a movie the other day and a quote one of the characters said made me think. He said, "When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning."

I was thinking about how sometimes things happen that just feel like...like it's just the end of everything, like you've finally reached your breaking point, like you've really had all you can take. And then most of the time, when you look back on it a month, a week, maybe even a few days later, in many cases it's not even hardly as big of a deal as it seemed at the time, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Or you get upset because something you wanted to happen didn't, but then it turns out that you're really glad it didn't. Sometimes it's easier to look at the overall outcome rather than take it day to day, because when you look back on it as a whole, it's not nearly as intense.

It just makes me think more about fate and things being predetermined. If we knew for a fact that something would or wouldn't happen regardless of the actions we did (or did not) take, would we still try for things? And if not, would no one trying for anything then change what everything is predetermined to be? Is it possible that what we do actually has no bearing on the outcome, because it's already set? Do we actually spend time trying for things that will never happen, or does everything in some way shape everything else?

I feel like maybe fate takes us to a certain point. From there, we decide where we go, what choices we make. It'd be much more comforting if we could be sure that the "ending" would be one specific way or another. We'd know that it would either be what we wanted or not, and if it wasn't then we wouldn't waste our time trying to make it happen. To have that certainty, in my opinion, would be a huge comfort. I think I would probably put more effort into things knowing that it was for good reason, and not that I was just going to work myself to the bone for nothing. Yeah... I would take knowing for sure any day, for probably any situation (nothing comes straight to mind that I wouldn't want to know). I think if we all knew that what we were working toward was "worthwhile" that people would work twice as hard. Then again that goes back to, would people stop trying if they didn't "have" to? Two very different perspectives and kinds of people...

This was pointless, but for some reason I felt like writing. My head is just non-stop lately.

Weird.

We All Need The Clowns To Make Us Smile...

Someone should invent a device that when used properly will allow you to discontinue any thought(s) that you have that you don't want to have. Like you could literally control your mind and your thought process. If I don't wanna sit here and think about how hungry I am (or to better put it, how I'm not even hungry I just want to EAT), I could just magically stop. If I don't wanna think about someone, I simply just won't. I'll block them from my brain and never think about them again if I don't want to. I'll stop thinking/worrying about things I have no control over, cuz that's just stupid anyway. I'll stop remembering things that upset me or make me angry. It wouldn't matter if I didn't understand something cuz I could just take the thought and throw it away and it'd be gone and meaningless and whatevs. Ah, that would be the life.

I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?

I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).

Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?

And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.

Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...

It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?

How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.

Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.

The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.

I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?

Yeah. Exactly.

Mumble Jumble...

In life sometimes things come into our lives that change us. I'm not even talking about just like making us feel good or momentarily happy or even sad. Some things literally somehow change who we are. Or maybe the correct way to say it is that they make us realize who we are, who we truly are or can be... It's like a switch inside of us gets flipped and suddenly we're in an entirely new world. Well, it's still our world, but how we see it has completely changed.

I believe these things or people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe I'm just naive and/or a dreamer and/or a hopeless romantic and/or just plain unrealistic; but I believe in fate, destiny, even true love. I want to. Doesn't everyone? If it's all true it means that anything that's "meant to be" in your life will happen no matter what. You'll end up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to do, with whoever you're supposed to be there with. So you essentially can't make mistakes (for lack of a better word) so severe that it won't work out because it's supposed to be a certain way and will be no matter what.... Eventually.

What if it doesn't "fit" with what we want, or at least think we want, now? Would that mean things we're working on/for could be nothing more than a complete waste of time? Or actually I guess if all those things exist then it's all part of what leads to where you're ultimately supposed to be anyway, right? I find this incredibly frustrating. I wish that we could know our right paths and where we'll end up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the excitement of life and I believe in living life for what you truly want or need. But if there's some ultimate destiny out there already "set" no matter what we do, I just want to be there already. I don't like wasting time or putting things off, especially good things. If everything happens for a reason then it happens for a reason...trying to ignore it because it's inconvenient or you don't want it right now seems to be a waste to me. Why put off anything that could be part of your happiness? If it's really supposed to be then it's essentially part of everything else that makes you happy too. And that would also mean there's a reason whatever it is it happened when it did.

And if it all is real, are there some people that "destined" to be unhappy? Or is the whole idea behind fate/destiny that everyone will ultimately find happiness, in whatever form? Or is it just that "everything will end up how it's supposed to". That is not necessarily positive. Can we work our whole lives for what we feel makes us happy only to find we were never supposed to be to begin with? Is there actually any such thing as free will or would that mean even our "decisions" are somehow predetermined? Or is it just that no matter what we do it doesn't matter because life will still be however it's supposed to be anyway?

What if none of it's real anyway? In a way that's almost more comforting. Then life would be completely based on what we do and accomplish and our choices. We could just do whatever we want because life would just be however it was. We'd know if we pass up on an "opportunity" that it's fine and we can forget about it completely and move on because we don't have to wonder or worry if it was a huge mistake or if it's going to come back into our lives to have to deal with again later on because it's "supposed" to. You wouldn't have to debate whether to end a relationship you're unsure about because they could be "The One" because there'd be no such thing as "The One". You wouldn't have to wonder about the reason behind things because there wouldn't be some overall "master plan" it was all shaping into, it'd just be life happening and that's how it is, no deeper meaning.

Maybe there isn't a master plan. Maybe there is no "One". Maybe it's all only in the movies. I guess the only thing that really matters anyway is that there's no way to know, either way. There's no "proof" to one side or the other, I think that's what I find frustrating. It's why I have a hard time with certain parts of history or a lot of things about religion...I dunno. How can you know for sure the right things to do in life? You can't. I dislike uncertainty. I guess all we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the information we're given and hope that we're able to make our own happiness, or that our "destiny" (if it exists) shows itself before too long.

I guess it's a win-win... I'm just impatient. This is gibberish.

Waiting vs. Acting

All the time people tell us to dream big, strive to be great. Be a good person, do what makes you happy. But we're also told that things will happen how they're meant to happen in their own time, and that everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even when we don't understand it.

I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.

Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?

If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?

I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?

And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.

I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.

So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.

It Was Then He Felt Alone & Wished That He'd Gone Straight...

Is “jealous” a specifically negative word? Is there a difference between “jealousy” and “envy”? Can you be “jealous” of someone you truly love?

I really dislike feeling like I’m jealous of someone. Especially if that person is someone I really admire and love. It makes me feel like a terrible person. Maybe that’s all some jealousy really is though, is admiration. What’s the difference? That’s the thing I guess. I see jealousy as being negative. To feel jealousy toward someone is a negative feeling. But I don’t think it’s always intended that way. It’s okay to admire people, or maybe to strive to better yourself because of things you admire about another. Isn’t it? I think it can be. If wanting to be better is wanting to improve the person you are, not becoming this entire other person or becoming exactly like someone else.

I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say. Sometimes I think it can be hard to see someone who is exactly the person you would like to be. Does that equal jealousy? I don’t wish bad or harm on anyone; I would never, ever do that. I don’t wish that anyone be less than what they are. I just wish that I was also able to possess some of the qualities or talents or physical attributes or whatever the case may be that I like or admire about someone else. That seems normal to me for anyone that has imperfections they dislike about themselves. But is it actually?

Maybe this is something that will stop as I deal with my insecurities about myself; I’m just having some issues with this. I don’t like feeling this way about someone. It’s even worse because it’s not the first time. And I don’t like questioning things needlessly because of it, either.

Everything happens for a reason…hell, maybe this is some weird backwards way to get to a change that’s just supposed to happen. I don’t want to think that way, but, it’s possible. It could be absolutely nothing and how things are could be how they’re supposed to be. And it could also be totally wrong. But does that mean I should be open to other “options” for lack of a better word? Should I entertain thoughts that I normally wouldn’t because I’m unsure of something else? How do you ever truly know that something is right and it’s how it’s supposed to be? Can you ever be completely sure? Or is it just always possible that one day, something can make everything change, because it was never right in the first place and you just didn’t know it? And then what do you do if it’s too late for anything else, and you’ve missed your right because you were so wrapped up in making the wrong work? Or will your "right" always find a way to work out?

I like to believe in destiny, and fate, and true love, and all that happily ever after romantic happy stuff that happens in the movies. Why? Well, because it’s nice to believe that love conquers all. It’s nice to believe there’s one person made especially for you, and that you will find your way to them one way or another. It's nice to believe that no matter what you go through, one day life will be perfect. It’d be amazing if all of life was like that. But no part of life is a sure thing. Well, except that everyone will die at some point. That’s a nice thought, huh? The one sure thing there is in life and it’s that fabulous.

I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I wish life came with a manual so you always knew what you were supposed to do and what path you were supposed to take. Sure it might take out some of the excitement I guess, but it’d also get rid of a lot of the pain and uncertainty. I may be at a crossroads. I may not be. So I have no fucking clue where to go from here.