All the time people tell us to dream big, strive to be great. Be a good person, do what makes you happy. But we're also told that things will happen how they're meant to happen in their own time, and that everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even when we don't understand it.
I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.
Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?
If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?
I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?
And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.
I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.
So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.
Fate il mio sorriso cuore
ReplyDeletestick that in your pipe and smoke it lover.
Que sera, sera.
ReplyDeleteWhich is a pretty passive aggressive way of thinking of things.
Sometimes, it's easy to see that you should wait or act. Sometimes a decision must be made, one way or another, though the timing feels wrong.
I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, big and small, life-altering and just plain embarrassingly stupid.
I decided back in college that I didn't want to watch life pass by. Opportunities rarely have flashing neon arrows pointing their way, and it would be crippling to second-guess every decision.
There's an old Kris Kristofferson/Rita Coolidge song I used to listen to a lot, about taking risks and hoping not to get hurt by someone you love. The lyric goes, "I'd rather be sorry for something I've done, than for something that I didn't do."
Yes, I put myself out there several times. Got my heart broken a few of them. Gave and received some amazing love as well. Each of those experiences, whether with a lover or a job, or a move, or a friend, shaped me into who I am now.
I could have been more protective of my heart and paid attention to the red flags I noticed when I met my ex. I could have saved myself 12 years of mental, emotional and verbal abuse, and that was just married to him. It continues to a lesser degree because I still have to occasionally deal with him (I have court on Monday, as a matter of fact.) We have been divorced longer than we were married, and I still have bouts of PTSD. But I wouldn't trade any of it because I wouldn't have my kids.
Another song, from Chorus Line this time - "I can't forget, won't regret what I did for love." If your motives are good, even if the outcome isn't the best, you can still be content that you were true to yourself.
I see my life at a crossroads of a sort right now, and it isn't even my destiny I'm looking at. I have decisions to make for and with Edward that will impact him for a while. And in between, I watch the Universe fold and unfold into new configurations, making connections I never dreamed existed. I know I have to be patient with some of it, but other bits are the ones I can act on now, so I will. The rest will follow and we will enjoy it all as it comes.
So, a little bit of risk and a little bit of wait. Either way, it won't be dull.