I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...

It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...

There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.

With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.

So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -

Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.

Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.

Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.

I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.

I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.

I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3

All my love,

Lo

I'm finding it increasingly irritating that so many of life's choices, no matter how appropriate or even right they might be at the time they're made, end up just fucking us over in the end. It just doesn't seem like it should work that way. It's like lose-lose. Even if you make the right choices for the time, it doesn't always mean that things will end up right.

And I think that sucks.

Friendship... Is When Being In The Same Place Matters More Than What You Do There.

Every day in all aspects of life, things happen around us that we have no control over. There isn't anything that can change that. What we have control over is our own actions and reactions and how we "choose" to handle things. I use " " because at this time in my life, no matter how much I try or how much I want to, I can't seem to figure out exactly how to control those things about myself. Ultimately it absolutely falls down to me and what I do or say, I would never say otherwise and I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. The fact that I worry too much (about everything) and that my brain works overtime 24/7 sucks...it's the way I am right now and I have to accept that. But I am working on trying to remember to relax and let things happen as they happen and stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the day after or the day after. I'm a planner. I always have been and with my OCD to a certain point that will never change. What I need to learn is how to let it go when things don't go as planned and not let it completely fuck up my day. It's okay to have high expectations in life, that's part of what makes things exciting I think. But it's important to keep in mind that (most) things don't work out exactly how you plan for them to, and there's only so much that you can do. Life will always throw you curve balls. That's a given. We can choose to let them fuck up our lives or we can choose to take a deep breath, find a Plan B and make the best of what we're given, and strive to love what we are, who we are, where we are, what we're doing, etc, etc. Because it just is what it is.

I'm disappointed in myself because of how I've dealt with some things. Like, I thought that there was a problem with something. I didn't know what and I didn't know why, but I just knew there was something. I'd tried to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that it was okay and in time it would all work out if it was supposed to. But it was hurting me... and I just couldn't get there. So I did what I always do, and I blamed myself, and I tore myself apart about it. Even not knowing what I did, I was sure it had to be me. Even though I couldn't think of a single thing I had done wrong. Because almost overnight something just changed. That doesn't happen without some sort of cause, and I just didn't know. I've been in a similar situation before. And I lost someone who was like a brother to me. And to this day, years later, I have no idea why... It still breaks my heart. I didn't want that to happen again.

We can't let the past and other situations affect how we handle or react to things that happen in our lives. The bottom line is I got scared. Scared of nothing more (and nothing less) than losing a very good friend. Confusion, hurt and a little bit of fear can rock anybody's confidence (and "make" them act or react in ways they normally wouldn't). I'm a person who relies so much on emotions and feelings, and though I hear the words, sometimes actions speak louder. It's hard for me not to take things personally sometimes. I need to remember to have faith in the people I choose to have in my life and trust that they will be open and honest with me. I try to follow my heart in all aspects of my life because I believe that if you follow your heart it'll eventually lead you to what makes you truly happy. It may take a while and you may have to wade through a lot of bullshit to get there, and I'm sure there are some times there may have been some decisions you could have made that would have led you down a different, possibly easier (at least for the moment) path. But I still think that if you don't ultimately follow your heart you can never truly be happy with what you're doing or who you are or anything else. I wish the easiest choices were always the right choices. It would make life so much simpler. But I'm not unwilling to take the hard road for something that's worth it. Happiness and family and friendships and relationships with others are worth it to me.

I've made mistakes in life and I'm sure I make more every day. But my intentions are good, my love and friendship is true, and the people I care about mean the world to me. I don't have any fucking clue where I am going to end up, what I'm going to be doing or what my life will be like six months from now, let alone how my life will turn out in the end. What I do know is how much I love my friends and the people who have supported and pushed and most of all believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Hell, I still don't completely believe in myself. But knowing that they can see something in me that gives them reason to know I can handle anything, even when I feel like I can't, and that they see a reason not to give up on me, helps me more every day in finding that confidence for myself. We're our own biggest critics, right? I wonder if we ever really see ourselves clearly.

They say that you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. I don't really think that's true. The love that I have for these people is sometimes beyond my own comprehension. How could I in my mess of a life deserve people so caring, generous, faithful and amazing? I haven't found a way to love myself yet. The last few weeks are one perfect example of why. But I love the people in my life with all of my heart. And though right now I rely on them too much for my own happiness, I will find a way to get there on my own. Their love and support helps me to see that I'm worth it, and I can be happy and I can love myself simply as who I am. And I think (hope) that then I'll be able to give them any small part of what they have given to me. And that then... I can show everyone (myself included) how strong I've really become.

For now...Thank you for all of the love, the support, the shoulders (virtual or otherwise) to cry on, the advice, for listening, for your honesty and for being a good friend. Sometimes in life I think we have to find a way to take a figurative magic wand and make all the bullshit that distracts us from the good things disappear (Evanesco, my Potter nerds). When you take away outside influences and drama and circumstances and all the other crap life throws at us, that's when you can really see when something is worth something to you. When things are rough try to focus on the good in your life and things that mean the most to you and somehow you'll get through it.

Now, if I can just take my own advice, I'll be set, eh? Thanks for reading...for everything. xx

Waiting vs. Acting

All the time people tell us to dream big, strive to be great. Be a good person, do what makes you happy. But we're also told that things will happen how they're meant to happen in their own time, and that everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even when we don't understand it.

I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.

Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?

If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?

I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?

And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.

I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.

So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.