Friendship... Is When Being In The Same Place Matters More Than What You Do There.

Every day in all aspects of life, things happen around us that we have no control over. There isn't anything that can change that. What we have control over is our own actions and reactions and how we "choose" to handle things. I use " " because at this time in my life, no matter how much I try or how much I want to, I can't seem to figure out exactly how to control those things about myself. Ultimately it absolutely falls down to me and what I do or say, I would never say otherwise and I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. The fact that I worry too much (about everything) and that my brain works overtime 24/7 sucks...it's the way I am right now and I have to accept that. But I am working on trying to remember to relax and let things happen as they happen and stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the day after or the day after. I'm a planner. I always have been and with my OCD to a certain point that will never change. What I need to learn is how to let it go when things don't go as planned and not let it completely fuck up my day. It's okay to have high expectations in life, that's part of what makes things exciting I think. But it's important to keep in mind that (most) things don't work out exactly how you plan for them to, and there's only so much that you can do. Life will always throw you curve balls. That's a given. We can choose to let them fuck up our lives or we can choose to take a deep breath, find a Plan B and make the best of what we're given, and strive to love what we are, who we are, where we are, what we're doing, etc, etc. Because it just is what it is.

I'm disappointed in myself because of how I've dealt with some things. Like, I thought that there was a problem with something. I didn't know what and I didn't know why, but I just knew there was something. I'd tried to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that it was okay and in time it would all work out if it was supposed to. But it was hurting me... and I just couldn't get there. So I did what I always do, and I blamed myself, and I tore myself apart about it. Even not knowing what I did, I was sure it had to be me. Even though I couldn't think of a single thing I had done wrong. Because almost overnight something just changed. That doesn't happen without some sort of cause, and I just didn't know. I've been in a similar situation before. And I lost someone who was like a brother to me. And to this day, years later, I have no idea why... It still breaks my heart. I didn't want that to happen again.

We can't let the past and other situations affect how we handle or react to things that happen in our lives. The bottom line is I got scared. Scared of nothing more (and nothing less) than losing a very good friend. Confusion, hurt and a little bit of fear can rock anybody's confidence (and "make" them act or react in ways they normally wouldn't). I'm a person who relies so much on emotions and feelings, and though I hear the words, sometimes actions speak louder. It's hard for me not to take things personally sometimes. I need to remember to have faith in the people I choose to have in my life and trust that they will be open and honest with me. I try to follow my heart in all aspects of my life because I believe that if you follow your heart it'll eventually lead you to what makes you truly happy. It may take a while and you may have to wade through a lot of bullshit to get there, and I'm sure there are some times there may have been some decisions you could have made that would have led you down a different, possibly easier (at least for the moment) path. But I still think that if you don't ultimately follow your heart you can never truly be happy with what you're doing or who you are or anything else. I wish the easiest choices were always the right choices. It would make life so much simpler. But I'm not unwilling to take the hard road for something that's worth it. Happiness and family and friendships and relationships with others are worth it to me.

I've made mistakes in life and I'm sure I make more every day. But my intentions are good, my love and friendship is true, and the people I care about mean the world to me. I don't have any fucking clue where I am going to end up, what I'm going to be doing or what my life will be like six months from now, let alone how my life will turn out in the end. What I do know is how much I love my friends and the people who have supported and pushed and most of all believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Hell, I still don't completely believe in myself. But knowing that they can see something in me that gives them reason to know I can handle anything, even when I feel like I can't, and that they see a reason not to give up on me, helps me more every day in finding that confidence for myself. We're our own biggest critics, right? I wonder if we ever really see ourselves clearly.

They say that you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. I don't really think that's true. The love that I have for these people is sometimes beyond my own comprehension. How could I in my mess of a life deserve people so caring, generous, faithful and amazing? I haven't found a way to love myself yet. The last few weeks are one perfect example of why. But I love the people in my life with all of my heart. And though right now I rely on them too much for my own happiness, I will find a way to get there on my own. Their love and support helps me to see that I'm worth it, and I can be happy and I can love myself simply as who I am. And I think (hope) that then I'll be able to give them any small part of what they have given to me. And that then... I can show everyone (myself included) how strong I've really become.

For now...Thank you for all of the love, the support, the shoulders (virtual or otherwise) to cry on, the advice, for listening, for your honesty and for being a good friend. Sometimes in life I think we have to find a way to take a figurative magic wand and make all the bullshit that distracts us from the good things disappear (Evanesco, my Potter nerds). When you take away outside influences and drama and circumstances and all the other crap life throws at us, that's when you can really see when something is worth something to you. When things are rough try to focus on the good in your life and things that mean the most to you and somehow you'll get through it.

Now, if I can just take my own advice, I'll be set, eh? Thanks for reading...for everything. xx