I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...

It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...

There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.

With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.

So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -

Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.

Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.

Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.

I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.

I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.

I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3

All my love,

Lo

Stuck...

I dislike games. I think everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't like having to "control" what I do or don't do because of other people. I don't like that certain things in my life are being controlled by outside influences, when they shouldn't be. I wish I could change things. Or just stop caring.

I hate this.

I'm finding it increasingly irritating that so many of life's choices, no matter how appropriate or even right they might be at the time they're made, end up just fucking us over in the end. It just doesn't seem like it should work that way. It's like lose-lose. Even if you make the right choices for the time, it doesn't always mean that things will end up right.

And I think that sucks.

We All Need The Clowns To Make Us Smile...

Someone should invent a device that when used properly will allow you to discontinue any thought(s) that you have that you don't want to have. Like you could literally control your mind and your thought process. If I don't wanna sit here and think about how hungry I am (or to better put it, how I'm not even hungry I just want to EAT), I could just magically stop. If I don't wanna think about someone, I simply just won't. I'll block them from my brain and never think about them again if I don't want to. I'll stop thinking/worrying about things I have no control over, cuz that's just stupid anyway. I'll stop remembering things that upset me or make me angry. It wouldn't matter if I didn't understand something cuz I could just take the thought and throw it away and it'd be gone and meaningless and whatevs. Ah, that would be the life.

I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?

I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).

Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?

And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.

Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...

It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?

How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.

Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.

The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.

I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?

Yeah. Exactly.

I'll Be Wishing That I Never Said Goodbye, What If...

Today has felt really weird to me for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, I can't place exactly what was making me feel it, but something has just seemed off. Nothing out of the ordinary has really happened so I'm sure it was nothing. It's just weird to have those kinds of nagging thoughts sometimes...

I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.

He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.

I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.

I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.

It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.

I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.

Mumble Jumble...

In life sometimes things come into our lives that change us. I'm not even talking about just like making us feel good or momentarily happy or even sad. Some things literally somehow change who we are. Or maybe the correct way to say it is that they make us realize who we are, who we truly are or can be... It's like a switch inside of us gets flipped and suddenly we're in an entirely new world. Well, it's still our world, but how we see it has completely changed.

I believe these things or people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe I'm just naive and/or a dreamer and/or a hopeless romantic and/or just plain unrealistic; but I believe in fate, destiny, even true love. I want to. Doesn't everyone? If it's all true it means that anything that's "meant to be" in your life will happen no matter what. You'll end up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to do, with whoever you're supposed to be there with. So you essentially can't make mistakes (for lack of a better word) so severe that it won't work out because it's supposed to be a certain way and will be no matter what.... Eventually.

What if it doesn't "fit" with what we want, or at least think we want, now? Would that mean things we're working on/for could be nothing more than a complete waste of time? Or actually I guess if all those things exist then it's all part of what leads to where you're ultimately supposed to be anyway, right? I find this incredibly frustrating. I wish that we could know our right paths and where we'll end up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the excitement of life and I believe in living life for what you truly want or need. But if there's some ultimate destiny out there already "set" no matter what we do, I just want to be there already. I don't like wasting time or putting things off, especially good things. If everything happens for a reason then it happens for a reason...trying to ignore it because it's inconvenient or you don't want it right now seems to be a waste to me. Why put off anything that could be part of your happiness? If it's really supposed to be then it's essentially part of everything else that makes you happy too. And that would also mean there's a reason whatever it is it happened when it did.

And if it all is real, are there some people that "destined" to be unhappy? Or is the whole idea behind fate/destiny that everyone will ultimately find happiness, in whatever form? Or is it just that "everything will end up how it's supposed to". That is not necessarily positive. Can we work our whole lives for what we feel makes us happy only to find we were never supposed to be to begin with? Is there actually any such thing as free will or would that mean even our "decisions" are somehow predetermined? Or is it just that no matter what we do it doesn't matter because life will still be however it's supposed to be anyway?

What if none of it's real anyway? In a way that's almost more comforting. Then life would be completely based on what we do and accomplish and our choices. We could just do whatever we want because life would just be however it was. We'd know if we pass up on an "opportunity" that it's fine and we can forget about it completely and move on because we don't have to wonder or worry if it was a huge mistake or if it's going to come back into our lives to have to deal with again later on because it's "supposed" to. You wouldn't have to debate whether to end a relationship you're unsure about because they could be "The One" because there'd be no such thing as "The One". You wouldn't have to wonder about the reason behind things because there wouldn't be some overall "master plan" it was all shaping into, it'd just be life happening and that's how it is, no deeper meaning.

Maybe there isn't a master plan. Maybe there is no "One". Maybe it's all only in the movies. I guess the only thing that really matters anyway is that there's no way to know, either way. There's no "proof" to one side or the other, I think that's what I find frustrating. It's why I have a hard time with certain parts of history or a lot of things about religion...I dunno. How can you know for sure the right things to do in life? You can't. I dislike uncertainty. I guess all we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the information we're given and hope that we're able to make our own happiness, or that our "destiny" (if it exists) shows itself before too long.

I guess it's a win-win... I'm just impatient. This is gibberish.

Waiting vs. Acting

All the time people tell us to dream big, strive to be great. Be a good person, do what makes you happy. But we're also told that things will happen how they're meant to happen in their own time, and that everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even when we don't understand it.

I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.

Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?

If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?

I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?

And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.

I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.

So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.