I'll Be Wishing That I Never Said Goodbye, What If...

Today has felt really weird to me for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, I can't place exactly what was making me feel it, but something has just seemed off. Nothing out of the ordinary has really happened so I'm sure it was nothing. It's just weird to have those kinds of nagging thoughts sometimes...

I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.

He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.

I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.

I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.

It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.

I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.