Sometimes it's really hard to remember that some things have nothing to do with you, aren't personal or to not be selfish. Or even if you remember those things, to believe is something entirely different. Hearts aren't logical, how can one make them so? Or are you supposed to just figure out how to ignore them? That's the only thing I can think of. You can't change how you feel about something, so the only other option is to pretend it doesn't exist.
I guess I'm not so good at that. (Clearly.)
Sometimes things that "aren't supposed" to make you sad, still make you sad.
And I'm sad.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
We All Need The Clowns To Make Us Smile...
Someone should invent a device that when used properly will allow you to discontinue any thought(s) that you have that you don't want to have. Like you could literally control your mind and your thought process. If I don't wanna sit here and think about how hungry I am (or to better put it, how I'm not even hungry I just want to EAT), I could just magically stop. If I don't wanna think about someone, I simply just won't. I'll block them from my brain and never think about them again if I don't want to. I'll stop thinking/worrying about things I have no control over, cuz that's just stupid anyway. I'll stop remembering things that upset me or make me angry. It wouldn't matter if I didn't understand something cuz I could just take the thought and throw it away and it'd be gone and meaningless and whatevs. Ah, that would be the life.
I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?
I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).
Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?
And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.
Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...
It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?
How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.
Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.
The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.
I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?
Yeah. Exactly.
I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?
I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).
Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?
And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.
Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...
It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?
How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.
Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.
The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.
I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?
Yeah. Exactly.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I'll Be Wishing That I Never Said Goodbye, What If...
Today has felt really weird to me for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, I can't place exactly what was making me feel it, but something has just seemed off. Nothing out of the ordinary has really happened so I'm sure it was nothing. It's just weird to have those kinds of nagging thoughts sometimes...
I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.
He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.
I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.
I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.
It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.
I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.
I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.
He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.
I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.
I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.
It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.
I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.
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