With All That I've Done Wrong, I Must've Done Something Right...

What is it that makes people think it's better to just not talk about things? That if you just ignore something or sweep it under the rug it'll just...what? Go away, I guess? Not everything will just magically work itself out. Some things don't just disappear. Sometimes you have to deal with things, even if you don't want to. And sometimes other people deserve that much from you. We can go through our lives focusing completely on ourselves, having people around when we need or want to and then pushing them aside when it's convenient to do so. And we'll either end up with a perfect life, or with everything we ever thought we ever wanted and not a single person who really knows and loves us to be a part of it.

This world is too fucking selfish. People don't care if they hurt other people as long as they get what they want. What ever happened to treat others as you want to be treated? How would you feel if you put yourself in someone else's place? What would you think of you?

I wonder how many tears are cried because of foolish pride. I wonder how many hearts are needlessly broken because of words never spoken. Or because of lies or greed or misunderstandings or fear. Where do people get the idea that they have to "live up to" some specific "standard"? No one should be concerned about working toward anything except for what they want for themselves. Who is anyone else to tell us who or how or why we should be one way or another? Who is anyone else to tell us who to have in our life or not? Who is anyone else to say they are better than we are? Are we not all individuals, completely unique?

Why are people so afraid to tell other people they love them? Lovers, friends, fathers and sons, whoever. Have these people never lost a loved one? Do they not know what it's like to wish you'd told someone something that you'll never again have a chance to? What reason is possibly good enough to risk regret that will never, ever go away? What if somehow like...I don't know. I don't know how to say what I mean...I don't know. Right before my Dad died, I told him I was going to be too busy to talk during the upcoming week because I had an event at work and I was gonna be busy. I talked to him almost every day usually, and he knew I loved him more than anybody else in the world. And yet I still hate myself for saying that to him. And there's not ever going to be anything I can do to change it. But at least he knew how much I loved him. That last week is probably nothing compared to the 22 years of my life that he knew that at least one person in the world adored him unconditionally, and thought that no matter what mistakes he'd made in his life, he was still the best father that anyone could ever hope to have as far as I was concerned. This man who would do anything, for anyone out of the goodness of his heart. Who never had much but gave us everything he could. Who I could tell anything no matter what. Who every year for my birthday wrote me a letter, because no card could properly say how much he loved me and how special I was to him... I refuse to be ashamed of how much I care about people. I'm tired of wishing I could care less because I'm tired of being hurt. Every day my heart breaks a little because I still miss him every single day. I also miss the idea that I knew, without question, that at least one person in my life was completely, 100% open and honest with me about anything and everything. If he thought I was full of shit, he would tell me. When he was depressed and drinking and taking pills, and thought about...ending things...he talked to me. He talked to me and I made him swear he wouldn't leave me. If he hadn't come to me I may have lost him even sooner than I did, and I'd be less of a person for it. I was all he had. I don't want that...I don't want to be anyone's everything. I'm just sick of bullshit. My Dad made a lot of fucking mistakes in his life. A lot, probably even more than I know. But he was a damn good man. He was no-bullshit, he was honest, he was caring, he was real. This would be a better world if more people possessed those qualities. Games and messing with people's heads and taking advantage of people to get ahead in life... They're just not worth it in my opinion, for whatever that means. You can make your own great life without forfeiting morals. And everything is better when you can share your joy, and accomplishments, and whatever, with people who supported and loved you before you thought there was any reason for them to.

I don't know what my point is. This stupid movie just made me think about some random shit. I just don't know why everything has to be about picking and choosing what we say or don't say, and games, and hidden agendas. Why can't people just be honest and up front with each other? Lies and secrets and taking advantage of people... People should just respect each other and do the right thing. Not just the easy thing or the beneficial thing. Throughout our lives we're going to be continually faced with choices and decisions to some degree or another. No one can choose for us or make us choose one thing or another. People need to take responsibility for the things they do and the results that come from it. At what point do we stop looking out for no one but ourselves? When we hurt someone else? When we have to hide certain things from certain people? Omission does not equal truth. Silence does not equal contentment or resolution. Avoidance does not equal disappearance. Pretending or wishing something isn't a certain way does not mean it isn't that way. Lying, and selfishness, and playing games is not friendship. It goes both ways. One day, you're actually going to lose the people you don't treat how you should. Everyone has a breaking point, and a limit to what they're willing to take. I think I'm pretty damn close.