Stuck...

I dislike games. I think everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't like having to "control" what I do or don't do because of other people. I don't like that certain things in my life are being controlled by outside influences, when they shouldn't be. I wish I could change things. Or just stop caring.

I hate this.

Whyawannabringmedown?

You'll think what you want
Say what you will
It doesn't mean you know anything
What is is not always what it seems

It's not your place
The choice isn't yours
Don't do me any "favors"
You don't know what I need

It doesn't help
You do me a disservice
It's not a game for you to play
Shut up and go away

My life is only mine
It doesn't matter what you believe
You don't know a thing
And only I speak for me.

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss...

Sometimes I think I finally believe that I am worth it. Worth love, worth time, worth friendship. I believe that I'm a good person, that I work hard, that I care endlessly for the ones I love, that in some small way I make the world just a little bit of a better place.

And then something stupid from someone ELSE can make me doubt that so easily. Someone acts weird toward me, and it's suddenly, "What have I done?" Even when I KNOW I haven't done anything. And I shouldn't even care then. Because if people don't care enough to even take the time to talk to me if something is going on, then they are not worth my time anyway, not really. Friends don't act that way, adults don't act that way. If people are so easy to care so very much for me, and then just walk away like it's nothing, that's their problem, not mine (I guess)... I am the one that hurts. So much. Because I can't figure out why they loved me so easily, and then just dropped me like it's nothing. Why they chose to lie, especially when it wasn't even anywhere close to necessary, because it isn't the lie so much that hurts, as much as that you don't even mean enough to them to be told the truth. You are that meaningless and unimportant. Because I love others easily, too, so much so that my friends are more like family that I have hand-picked to be a part of my life.

Why am I so easy to forget about? Why do people stop caring? Probably because of bullshit like this. I'm not trying to be self-pitying or make others feel sorry for me. I know that I don't handle things as well as I should. I'm just thinking outloud more than anything. Nothing is accomplished inside my head so..this is the only outlet I've got right now.

I may not always be right, but my intentions are always good. I'd never deliberately hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm very, very sorry if I have done so without meaning to.

He Said, She Said...

I'm really, really sick of constantly worrying that I've done something wrong. Because so many people don't know how to just talk to someone if they have a problem anymore. I'm sick of worrying about what I say or how I say it. Perhaps it's nothing more than my own insecurities a lot of times, but frankly I'm tired of having to defend myself because of things other people do or say. I'm tired of being made out to be stupid or a fool by people that are supposed to be my friends, or because there's something I don't know about because it was purposely kept from me. People don't seem to realize that I don't care... I'm actually a pretty easy-going person as long as there's no drama or bullshit. I love my friends, I love people, I love to travel, I love the music, I love new opportunities, and more than almost anything I love to laugh and enjoy. I love it all. I don't understand the act of being fakely nice to someone, I don't understand the need for anyone to act like they're above or better than someone else. My only concern is to live my life, value happiness and love, and live in a way that I can be proud to be who I am.

One day I'm going to get up the nerve to walk away from some people, regardless of how much I care for them, because I know what I deserve, and it's more than this. You can try to turn it on me and say that I'm stupid or crazy, but the reality is that things are the way they are NOT because of me or things that I have done, but because of dishonesty, talking about others behind their backs, and not being up front about or hiding things. Not saying at all that I'm perfect, but I'm always open and honest with others. When you strip it down and it's just me, and not anyone else, it all goes away. Everything gets made out to be more than it is. Everything that someone else says I think or feel, everything that someone else "knows" about me. Just because there are other things or situations in my life, that doesn't mean that they affect anyone currently in my life, or even me for that matter. No one should speak for someone else, no one should assume things about others based on things they hear. And I wish that everyone had enough sense to go to the source if there's something they want to know. Gossip does not benefit any person in any way, ever.

The only thing I want in the entire world right now is to love, and be loved, and to be happy. I love my family, I love my friends. We can't let current circumstances dictate our outcomes or attitudes. Circumstances are temporary, but the choices we make and actions we take are what actually decide how things go or turn out. Perfection is impossible, but I like to believe that intent, kindness, respect and plain caring still count for something nowadays. But maybe it's only appearance and hearsay that matters now. Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll just always lose unless you stoop to their level. I don't want to believe that.

But there are a lot of things I don't want to believe that are, unfortunately, still true. I don't think I can be that person, though. Friendship means too much to me.

Sometimes I really wish it didn't.