Sometimes I think I finally believe that I am worth it. Worth love, worth time, worth friendship. I believe that I'm a good person, that I work hard, that I care endlessly for the ones I love, that in some small way I make the world just a little bit of a better place.
And then something stupid from someone ELSE can make me doubt that so easily. Someone acts weird toward me, and it's suddenly, "What have I done?" Even when I KNOW I haven't done anything. And I shouldn't even care then. Because if people don't care enough to even take the time to talk to me if something is going on, then they are not worth my time anyway, not really. Friends don't act that way, adults don't act that way. If people are so easy to care so very much for me, and then just walk away like it's nothing, that's their problem, not mine (I guess)... I am the one that hurts. So much. Because I can't figure out why they loved me so easily, and then just dropped me like it's nothing. Why they chose to lie, especially when it wasn't even anywhere close to necessary, because it isn't the lie so much that hurts, as much as that you don't even mean enough to them to be told the truth. You are that meaningless and unimportant. Because I love others easily, too, so much so that my friends are more like family that I have hand-picked to be a part of my life.
Why am I so easy to forget about? Why do people stop caring? Probably because of bullshit like this. I'm not trying to be self-pitying or make others feel sorry for me. I know that I don't handle things as well as I should. I'm just thinking outloud more than anything. Nothing is accomplished inside my head so..this is the only outlet I've got right now.
I may not always be right, but my intentions are always good. I'd never deliberately hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm very, very sorry if I have done so without meaning to.
People are just assholes sometimes. No matter how good of a person you try to be and how much you do or care for them they just end up hurting you. It's happened to me so many times and it always makes me feel like i've done something wrong or there's just something wrong with me. I know in my heart I haven't done anything but it just feels like I should be better. The truth is though, from all the times I've talked to you and all the times you've just taken the time to say hello I know that people doing these things to you is all on them and that there is something wrong with them because you are so wonderful, kind, open, caring, sweet, funny, etc...I could go on for days about how people need to learn and apologize, but honestly it's their loss and they'll have to deal with losing an incredible person from their life. There are so many people who love and adore you and we will always be here for you.
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