Since A Twist of Fate When It All Broke Down...

Frustration. So much freaking frustration. I can't even begin to understand why some things are the way that they are, and that makes me angry. I understand that we're not always supposed to know why certain things happen but I've been struggling a damn long time and I'm ready for some answers. I'm ready for understanding. I'm ready for things to be right again.

I feel as though I have absolutely no control over some things or situations. I literally feel stuck. I feel like if I say something, it will go bad. And if I don't say something, it may or may not already be bad and I'll continue hurting because whatever and however it is is hurtful to me. It's not drama, it's not bullshit. It's sincerely being hurt, and not for anything but it's understandable, too. You can think that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or something out of nothing, but you know that's really not true.

All of the details of things aren't what matters. That's where bullshit comes from. Strip it bare and look at what's left, and you'll see it's simply just a girl who is really hurting. For many reasons, from changes to self-confidence to fear, etc. There is so much that I want to say, and I can't because I'm afraid that that will cause me to lose people. And I don't want that. I'm afraid that I can't express myself correctly and it will sound like nothing but trying to be dramatic or turning a situation into something it's not, which is what's happened before. And that's just not what it is. I just want to let someone know I'm hurt by some things they've said or done...and everything's just so fucked up I can't without worrying about losing the friendship because it gets turned around on me or they act like I'm making up things in my head. It's not about anything or anyone else. It doesn't have to be so complicated. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. How shitty to not even be sure someone cares enough about you that if you went to them they'd listen and understand and not just blow you off. I just don't know anymore.

I know this just sounds like more and more bitching. It's the only outlet I have and it's mainly just general babble anyway, so who even cares anymore? I just feel stuck. Stuck and scared. And I wish I just didn't even care anymore. Maybe that'd make two of us.