Call Me Up If You Want Gangsta...

I absolutely loathe the entire concept of dating. I hate it. I don't wanna do it. It's fake and phony and awkward. Add onto that the fact that I'm ridiculously shy when I don't know people and it's just a mess from the get-go. I don't want to "schedule" dates with random guys I barely know... I don't like to be put on the spot, I get nervous in situations like that. I just do not like it. I thought I could do it and have fun with it, but I don't think I can. It's just too fake and too weird.

I don't want to try to "plan" to meet someone. I want to meet someone and be friends for a while and feelings just develop from that friendship or something. You get together because you have a connection already and because it feels right and whatever, not because someone set you up with someone they work with or know from high school or you met some random on a dating site and you're purposely putting yourself in an awkward situation going to meet someone you've talked to via email who may or may not (probably not) have even been telling the truth or anything even real about themselves. I want to meet someone because they come into my life in some "unplanned" random way, not because I seek out a male non-smoker from the ages of 30-35 that likes long walks on the beach and action movies. I don't wanna deal with the games that are involved with dating. I don't want to get half the information up front and the other surprises later. I don't want to feel like I'm on a job interview. I'm awkward enough in regular life situations and am only made worse if I feel I have to "make" someone like me. I don't think I can handle rejection right now. And I don't want to hurt someone else either if I don't feel anything. It's just AWKWARD.

It's just complicated and weird and intimidating and I don't like it. I want it to be natural, easy, straightforward. The kind of thing where someone has already seen all of your sides, faults and all, and still wants to be your friend and a part of your life. I don't need a man to make me happy but it would be a nice little ray of sunshine in my life right now, not to mention a distraction. And I do feel that even if I don't need to date someone, I do need to meet people. I do need to get out of the house and do something. Not that I'm any less awkward around a bunch of strangers in a club or bar trying to grind on every girl they see than on a date, but still. At least it's less pressure.

I'm frustrated. Irked. Bit discouraged... I guess I just want the easy way. I feel like love should be easy, though. All kinds of love, not just in relationships or whatever. Connecting to people should just happen, not be forced. And I do believe people are in your path for a reason. I guess I'm not crazy about the idea of searching. I know I've got to force myself to get out and about even if I don't necessarily want to, but when I'm so uncomfortable I can't even relax it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going out and letting loose, ya know? I'm probably just not used to it. After all, I've been in one relationship for 6 years, so it's been a while. And even before that I don't think I ever truly "dated" ... It was always just more people I already knew so the awkwardness didn't exist. I guess the first step is meeting new people in general. I just need to figure out what "way" works best for me...

Bah. I could always just go to the clubs in like full-out Star Wars costumes. Princess Leia with the hair buns, eh? I'd certainly weed out the damn Trekkies.... ;)

Xx