Call Me Up If You Want Gangsta...

I absolutely loathe the entire concept of dating. I hate it. I don't wanna do it. It's fake and phony and awkward. Add onto that the fact that I'm ridiculously shy when I don't know people and it's just a mess from the get-go. I don't want to "schedule" dates with random guys I barely know... I don't like to be put on the spot, I get nervous in situations like that. I just do not like it. I thought I could do it and have fun with it, but I don't think I can. It's just too fake and too weird.

I don't want to try to "plan" to meet someone. I want to meet someone and be friends for a while and feelings just develop from that friendship or something. You get together because you have a connection already and because it feels right and whatever, not because someone set you up with someone they work with or know from high school or you met some random on a dating site and you're purposely putting yourself in an awkward situation going to meet someone you've talked to via email who may or may not (probably not) have even been telling the truth or anything even real about themselves. I want to meet someone because they come into my life in some "unplanned" random way, not because I seek out a male non-smoker from the ages of 30-35 that likes long walks on the beach and action movies. I don't wanna deal with the games that are involved with dating. I don't want to get half the information up front and the other surprises later. I don't want to feel like I'm on a job interview. I'm awkward enough in regular life situations and am only made worse if I feel I have to "make" someone like me. I don't think I can handle rejection right now. And I don't want to hurt someone else either if I don't feel anything. It's just AWKWARD.

It's just complicated and weird and intimidating and I don't like it. I want it to be natural, easy, straightforward. The kind of thing where someone has already seen all of your sides, faults and all, and still wants to be your friend and a part of your life. I don't need a man to make me happy but it would be a nice little ray of sunshine in my life right now, not to mention a distraction. And I do feel that even if I don't need to date someone, I do need to meet people. I do need to get out of the house and do something. Not that I'm any less awkward around a bunch of strangers in a club or bar trying to grind on every girl they see than on a date, but still. At least it's less pressure.

I'm frustrated. Irked. Bit discouraged... I guess I just want the easy way. I feel like love should be easy, though. All kinds of love, not just in relationships or whatever. Connecting to people should just happen, not be forced. And I do believe people are in your path for a reason. I guess I'm not crazy about the idea of searching. I know I've got to force myself to get out and about even if I don't necessarily want to, but when I'm so uncomfortable I can't even relax it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going out and letting loose, ya know? I'm probably just not used to it. After all, I've been in one relationship for 6 years, so it's been a while. And even before that I don't think I ever truly "dated" ... It was always just more people I already knew so the awkwardness didn't exist. I guess the first step is meeting new people in general. I just need to figure out what "way" works best for me...

Bah. I could always just go to the clubs in like full-out Star Wars costumes. Princess Leia with the hair buns, eh? I'd certainly weed out the damn Trekkies.... ;)

Xx

And Did You Think It Through When The Devil Told You...

After a hellacious week, I've had a pretty decent (maybe even good *gasp*) couple of days, and I'm really excited about this. I know that a lot of you are probably wondering about what's been going on since last week. I'm going to be more respectful than the people that hurt me were and not talk about it here. Some of the people that I am close to know, and some don't. It's a very personal thing and my choice to decide who I want to tell about it, as far as I'm concerned anyway. The people who are involved are the ones who fucked up and I have to stop concerning myself with them and their feelings and their wishes and whatevers. Not only do they not deserve my time, thought, or love, but now is about nothing more than moving past the hurt of all of this, making it through this divorce and continuing my own life on my way to finding happiness within myself. So that being said, please know that I appreciate every bit of concern - the texts, tweets, emails, FB messages, calls - everything. It all means the world to me and I am so appreciative of all the love. It's exactly what I need right now, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Sooo...that all happened last Saturday, and the first part of the week was pretty hard. I kind of kept getting sucker-punched over the next few days and I let it get to me and hurt me even though I shouldn't have. Work has also been crazy and I had to go to a training seminar on Monday which put me a "day behind" essentially the rest of the week so it was more crazy. Combined with almost no sleep, I was starting to run on empty. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my counselor who is working with me on my depression and I told her about everything that was going on, and she reaffirmed everything I was saying and feeling and said that she thought I was handling everything well and correctly. That kind of gave me a little push, it's just nice when you're dealing with something to have someone tell you that you're right in your views/feelings (not that anyone has any right to judge your feelings, but moreso I guess that I wasn't being "irrational" if you will). Not that she is the only one who's done that, but just someone with her I guess "knowledge" of that kind of thing. Who knows what the hell I'm trying to say. Anyway, that was cool and then the rest of the day was somewhat calm. I just really focused on work and kind of closed myself off to everything around me for a little while and forced myself to stop thinking for 5 seconds and it was kind of wonderful. I'm generally not able to do that so...maybe I should have written down my process or something so I can do it again, hahaha..

Anyway, Thursday ended without incident lol. Had another night of not much sleep, but was looking forward to Friday and the weekend so that was good. Work was completely nutty...which I guess I just need to start getting used to. Generally it's not super crazy except during Feb/March (Spring Break) but the last couple of weeks have been out there. It may be because of going from NOTHING in the summertime to significantly busier now, even though it's not as busy as spring season.

Anyway...Friday night I went to dinner and a show with a girlfriend. I found someone to buy the extra pair of tickets I'd bought months and months ago at full price, and then I got comp seats from the hotel, so we got to eat AND see the show for free, which I definitely won't complain about. The show was Anthony Cools - who is a hypnotist/comedian, and without a doubt the funniest person I've ever seen in my life. His show is raunchy and all kinds of wrong, but it's also the most hilarious and awesome thing you've ever seen. I can't recommend it enough. I'm thinking of trying to do a post dedicated specifically to him so maybe I'll do that. He deserves it...I never leave the show without mascara streaks down my face (from crying of laughter) and my stomach generally hurts the entire next day from laughing so much. It was another great show (3rd time I've seen him) and I also got to personally thank him for the really amazing and above and beyond thing he did for us when we went to his show in Vegas so that was really cool. He's an awesome entertainer and for what it's worth (which I say is a fucking lot) he's really good to his fans and people that support him. Two thumbs way up for Mr. Cools, and I will intend to see him yet again the next time I'm in Vegas, whenever the hell that may be...

Today I feel that I've been really productive (minus the sleeping til almost noon), but it was mostly with kinda selfish and/or even "silly" things... I spent most of my "morning" on the phone checking on some things and trying to figure out finances and whatnot with divorce crap. As stressful as that kind of is, the OCD part of me also really loves the numbers and the organization and whatnot. I also think I came up with a "solution" in my head as far as the papers and wants/needs etc. We'll see what happens with that but...in my head it works. I went to the grocery store and bought ONLY what was on my list, which was quite exciting - laundry detergent, vaccuum powder, carpet cleaner, ant killer, a pillow, Cocoa Krispies, and a loaf of bread (most awesome combination ever). When I got home I cleaned the house fully and even used the yummy powder stuff you put down before you vaccuum, so the whole house smells quite lovely. It's (fucking) cold out, so I have the windows open and have been wrapped in blankets and sweaters all day. (I could really use some mother effing Timmie's hot chocolate though, not even gonna freaking lie *huge pout*) Did three loads of laundry including my new bed set I bought myself. Essentially it really wasn't a "necessity" but emotionally and mentally it was... And it's pretty and red and I love just about anything "pretty and red" so it is what it is. I took all of the pictures off the walls. I also started a pile of clothing and other household items (towels, bed sheets, etc.) to give to Good Will. I'm going to need to cut down as much as I can and it's not like I need everything I have anyway. I'm going to get boxes soon and start packing up most of my "summer" clothes and other little things around the house I don't use often so that when I move it won't have to be everything all at once.

Oh, have I talked about that? Probably not. Umm..I kinda don't wanna talk about the details yet. I'm not sure why. I guess it's kind of a personal thing lol. It's not hard to figure out but still. What I'll say right now is that I'll be moving away from Mississippi for sure. There are multiple reasons, but mainly I frankly can't afford to stay here the way things are. I'm most upset about probably having to leave my job at some point...despite when things are crazy and I get frustrated, I really love my job and what I do. Anyway, right now it's looking like this will happen around the beginning of April. I'll be taking all of my dogs with me...and not too much else. But they are my first priority. It probably sounds really silly to people who aren't dog lovers or to people who have kids, but...my dogs are my babies. They're my responsibility. They never asked me to get them and it's not their fault this is happening...besides the fact that I love them more than anything in the world and just physically can't let them go, I also don't trust my soon-to-be-ex not to give them away and/or split them up, and I don't think that's fair either. He also deploys and so would not be able to take care of them all the time anyway. I've been with them their entire lives, all of them but Sampson who is a rescue and even he was only a year old when we got him. And they've all been together their entire lives. It's not fair to send them off to some random person who may not give them the love and attention they deserve. So, while I am well aware of how much "easier" it would be to move on and start a new life without taking them with me, it's something I'm firm on and in my heart know that it's right for me. I'm SO grateful and blessed and thankful for the opportunity being offered to us and when things are a little more settled I will talk more about it. For now, just Thank You.

I feel like I had more to say but I'm kinda tired now, hahaha... One week from today I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, and on Sunday even a few more. I think it'll be nice to get out of here just for a few days, too. It's been kind of clostrophobic in some ways. It's gonna be a LOT of driving but I'm actually even a little excited about that, since I have my amazingly awesome new little red 80GB Zune mp3 player to come along for the ride. Too bad I don't have my TomTom with the Darth Vader voice yet, because that would just be the total complete roadtrip package right there.

Don't ask why that just made me think of this, but please, PLEASE go and buy a copy of Sam Bradley's new EP "Zuni" on Tuesday when it's released...you can purchase it online at http://www.sambradley.com/ or at any of the showers on the Brooke Fraser tour he also starts on Tuesday (dates here: http://www.myspace.com/sambradley). I know I have some new followers out there so if you're reading this, a) sorry for the depressing post and b) you must check out Sam Bradley or, or.......something really really BAD. So bad I haven't even thought of it yet. Yeah, that's it. Right. Really though... I promise amazing music. What's better than that?
http://www.youtube.com/samueltube1

Thanks for reading and again, for all of the love and support you have all overwhelmed me with. It's truly amazing and I am awed and appreciative beyond words.

I feel like something is on the top of my tongue.............