I'm really, really sick of constantly worrying that I've done something wrong. Because so many people don't know how to just talk to someone if they have a problem anymore. I'm sick of worrying about what I say or how I say it. Perhaps it's nothing more than my own insecurities a lot of times, but frankly I'm tired of having to defend myself because of things other people do or say. I'm tired of being made out to be stupid or a fool by people that are supposed to be my friends, or because there's something I don't know about because it was purposely kept from me. People don't seem to realize that I don't care... I'm actually a pretty easy-going person as long as there's no drama or bullshit. I love my friends, I love people, I love to travel, I love the music, I love new opportunities, and more than almost anything I love to laugh and enjoy. I love it all. I don't understand the act of being fakely nice to someone, I don't understand the need for anyone to act like they're above or better than someone else. My only concern is to live my life, value happiness and love, and live in a way that I can be proud to be who I am.
One day I'm going to get up the nerve to walk away from some people, regardless of how much I care for them, because I know what I deserve, and it's more than this. You can try to turn it on me and say that I'm stupid or crazy, but the reality is that things are the way they are NOT because of me or things that I have done, but because of dishonesty, talking about others behind their backs, and not being up front about or hiding things. Not saying at all that I'm perfect, but I'm always open and honest with others. When you strip it down and it's just me, and not anyone else, it all goes away. Everything gets made out to be more than it is. Everything that someone else says I think or feel, everything that someone else "knows" about me. Just because there are other things or situations in my life, that doesn't mean that they affect anyone currently in my life, or even me for that matter. No one should speak for someone else, no one should assume things about others based on things they hear. And I wish that everyone had enough sense to go to the source if there's something they want to know. Gossip does not benefit any person in any way, ever.
The only thing I want in the entire world right now is to love, and be loved, and to be happy. I love my family, I love my friends. We can't let current circumstances dictate our outcomes or attitudes. Circumstances are temporary, but the choices we make and actions we take are what actually decide how things go or turn out. Perfection is impossible, but I like to believe that intent, kindness, respect and plain caring still count for something nowadays. But maybe it's only appearance and hearsay that matters now. Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll just always lose unless you stoop to their level. I don't want to believe that.
But there are a lot of things I don't want to believe that are, unfortunately, still true. I don't think I can be that person, though. Friendship means too much to me.
One day I'm going to get up the nerve to walk away from some people, regardless of how much I care for them, because I know what I deserve, and it's more than this. You can try to turn it on me and say that I'm stupid or crazy, but the reality is that things are the way they are NOT because of me or things that I have done, but because of dishonesty, talking about others behind their backs, and not being up front about or hiding things. Not saying at all that I'm perfect, but I'm always open and honest with others. When you strip it down and it's just me, and not anyone else, it all goes away. Everything gets made out to be more than it is. Everything that someone else says I think or feel, everything that someone else "knows" about me. Just because there are other things or situations in my life, that doesn't mean that they affect anyone currently in my life, or even me for that matter. No one should speak for someone else, no one should assume things about others based on things they hear. And I wish that everyone had enough sense to go to the source if there's something they want to know. Gossip does not benefit any person in any way, ever.
The only thing I want in the entire world right now is to love, and be loved, and to be happy. I love my family, I love my friends. We can't let current circumstances dictate our outcomes or attitudes. Circumstances are temporary, but the choices we make and actions we take are what actually decide how things go or turn out. Perfection is impossible, but I like to believe that intent, kindness, respect and plain caring still count for something nowadays. But maybe it's only appearance and hearsay that matters now. Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll just always lose unless you stoop to their level. I don't want to believe that.
But there are a lot of things I don't want to believe that are, unfortunately, still true. I don't think I can be that person, though. Friendship means too much to me.
Sometimes I really wish it didn't.
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