It Was Then He Felt Alone & Wished That He'd Gone Straight...

Is “jealous” a specifically negative word? Is there a difference between “jealousy” and “envy”? Can you be “jealous” of someone you truly love?

I really dislike feeling like I’m jealous of someone. Especially if that person is someone I really admire and love. It makes me feel like a terrible person. Maybe that’s all some jealousy really is though, is admiration. What’s the difference? That’s the thing I guess. I see jealousy as being negative. To feel jealousy toward someone is a negative feeling. But I don’t think it’s always intended that way. It’s okay to admire people, or maybe to strive to better yourself because of things you admire about another. Isn’t it? I think it can be. If wanting to be better is wanting to improve the person you are, not becoming this entire other person or becoming exactly like someone else.

I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say. Sometimes I think it can be hard to see someone who is exactly the person you would like to be. Does that equal jealousy? I don’t wish bad or harm on anyone; I would never, ever do that. I don’t wish that anyone be less than what they are. I just wish that I was also able to possess some of the qualities or talents or physical attributes or whatever the case may be that I like or admire about someone else. That seems normal to me for anyone that has imperfections they dislike about themselves. But is it actually?

Maybe this is something that will stop as I deal with my insecurities about myself; I’m just having some issues with this. I don’t like feeling this way about someone. It’s even worse because it’s not the first time. And I don’t like questioning things needlessly because of it, either.

Everything happens for a reason…hell, maybe this is some weird backwards way to get to a change that’s just supposed to happen. I don’t want to think that way, but, it’s possible. It could be absolutely nothing and how things are could be how they’re supposed to be. And it could also be totally wrong. But does that mean I should be open to other “options” for lack of a better word? Should I entertain thoughts that I normally wouldn’t because I’m unsure of something else? How do you ever truly know that something is right and it’s how it’s supposed to be? Can you ever be completely sure? Or is it just always possible that one day, something can make everything change, because it was never right in the first place and you just didn’t know it? And then what do you do if it’s too late for anything else, and you’ve missed your right because you were so wrapped up in making the wrong work? Or will your "right" always find a way to work out?

I like to believe in destiny, and fate, and true love, and all that happily ever after romantic happy stuff that happens in the movies. Why? Well, because it’s nice to believe that love conquers all. It’s nice to believe there’s one person made especially for you, and that you will find your way to them one way or another. It's nice to believe that no matter what you go through, one day life will be perfect. It’d be amazing if all of life was like that. But no part of life is a sure thing. Well, except that everyone will die at some point. That’s a nice thought, huh? The one sure thing there is in life and it’s that fabulous.

I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I wish life came with a manual so you always knew what you were supposed to do and what path you were supposed to take. Sure it might take out some of the excitement I guess, but it’d also get rid of a lot of the pain and uncertainty. I may be at a crossroads. I may not be. So I have no fucking clue where to go from here.