What do you do when your world is falling down around you? Piece by piece, minute by minute? I'm tired of trying to rebuild everything one brick at a time, only to have it come crashing down around me again before I can even finish it. And having it tear me apart one little piece at a time. I hate fighting. Not only with others but within myself. I don't wanna fight anymore. One step forward equals 100 steps back. Sadness and anger are taking me over. This isn't who I wanna be. What happened to the person I used to know? Can I ever really get her back? What if this isn't something that I can overcome? What if it isn't something that will work out in the end? Maybe those are just things we tell ourselves to keep going. I don't want to keep going without the guarantee that in some way, shape or form, it will be better. And I can't get that. No one can give it to me. No one can say without a single doubt that it will be okay. That I will be okay. I want a sure thing. The fear is too much. The pain is too much. No one's experience is the same, and there's no instruction book to tell you exactly how to do this. I wish there was. I wish there was a fail-proof set of instructions for all the hard things in life. The exact way to deal with pain, hurt, distance, death. I guess that's one bad thing about everyone being different. If we were all the same, what worked for someone else could work for me too. But we're not. No one can tell me exactly what I need to do. And that's what I need. I need concrete direction. I need...I don't know what I need. But I'm not sure I can do it. It's not working. And I'm not just being impatient. Seven years is not impatient. It's a hell of a long time to fight for things to only be worse. The pain is just too much. My heart aches. It aches with sadness, and with hurt, and with loss, and with potential loss. It aches with fear. I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I know some of you will, but please don't worry. Writing helps me release some...whatever. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't.
Aww, hun. I have been in this exact mindspace more times than I'd like to admit. The reality of it--as much as you may want someone to point you in that right direction, guarantee it, make you feel better. At the end of the day, has to come from within. Hang in there babe.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. Just remember the support system of friends that you have all around you! <3
ReplyDeleteI will say that "it will be okay" because at some point something will give and it will be okay. We are never given more than we can handle and I know that you are a strong person. You will make it through this and you will find your way. It won't happen overnight but some day you will wake up and you will finally see. I love you to the moon and back. hang in there. you know where to find me if you need me. xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteI'm here if you need anything, hon. We may live way too miles apart, but I'm always a phone call (or tweet or email or skype convo) away!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
xoxo
wish i could console u the way u have consoled me... i think that what is in order is an adult lemonade as we wade in ocean water and stared off into the sunset as our troubles set with the fading light...
ReplyDeleteevery day is a new day, and unfortunately, some new days only build on the pain of the previous day... some days are better, some days suck ... and some days you get amazing advice from a friend like u gave me, and you really want to help a friend (like you) also deal with stuff.
i heart you, and i heart that you are real... i wish your reality was less painful, or that i could take a load of your pain off your shoulders... or burn it up as we all sing by a campfire doin' whiskey shots :)
hugs, hugs, endless hugs and btw, i give great hugs... :)