Today was another one of those "everybody hates me" days. I just can't understand why I do this to myself, repeatedly. I'm sure this was partly due to my exhaustion from the week, among other things but it knocked me on my ass. It's actually the most alone and isolated I've felt in a really long time. Nothing specific even happened. I just woke up with this overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation. I literally went to the mall and walked around aimlessly by myself because if I had to stay in this house one more second I was going to break something. I wish I could at least figure out what the trigger was for stuff like this. I felt it a little bit yesterday afternoon but not as overwhelmingly as today. Who the hell knows. I just know I sit here giving myself a damn pep-talk about how stupid I'm being, but my brain still thinks how it does. I have someone who's going to help me work on...not this specifically, but myself in general, and my negative thinking. Have you ever paid attention to how much you speak negatively to yourself? It's no wonder I have so many insecurities and issues...I'm pretty hard on myself. I'm told it all comes from somewhere/time during our lives, so I guess "it" shapes us to be this way. But I'm not willing to accept that it isn't something that can be changed. I just have to figure out the right way to do it. Thank you to those who called/texted/tweeted, etc. I love and appreciate you more than I can say. Truly.
I realized last night on the way to New Orleans for the concert that sunsets are pretty fucking beautiful. How did I never realize that before? I grew up practically on the beach for God sakes. Probably never paid enough attention. How much of the beautiful things in life do I miss because I'm just not paying attention? I'm hyper-aware of things like who is around me or how long that car has been behind me (maybe "paranoid" is a better word), but I've never noticed how fucking amazing a sunset really is? I want to watch more sunsets. I want to see them in beautiful places so that they're even more amazing. There is something so soothing about them, and the colors are just...gorgeous. I'm awed. I guess it's the simple things in life.
I wish I had taken my appetite suppressant this morning. I'm fucking starving, and I have like no calories left. Fuck you, delicious peanut butter cookie at the mall...you were good for the stress, but not for my tummy.
I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" with a friend today. I think I liked it. It was pretty long. It's a great story, and I know it's true, but I dunno. I can't really explain how I feel about it. Julia Roberts was fabulous though, as always. But for most of the movie my thoughts were on how pretty her hair is. It could be I'm just completely out of it today. Likely.
I think that's all I have to say. This was pretty meaningless. I'd say I was just trying to clear my head but mostly I was trying to take my mind off food. You can see how well that worked. I'm deciding at this moment if it's worth going over today if I do really, really well all week. I should know I'm just going to end up eating because I have no willpower, so it's not really worth prolonging it. I did well for the first four days, so one fuck up isn't bad (especially for me and my lack of willpower). Yeah, I'm gonna go eat something now. Make sure you check out my previous blog for my Thriving Ivory/Ryan Star review from last night. They're playing near some of you. You should go. Mmmm...pizza, maybe. xx
*taps chest* you know. *draws a heart with fingers and points to you*
ReplyDeleteZero will power here either when it comes to food. I can make myself exercise, but cannot seem to stay away from junk food. Argh.
ReplyDeleteYou do know we are all our own worst critics, right! If you find that trigger, please let me know!
Oh and hey - why no linkie to my blog, now I'm poutypantz! ;)
You are so totally and completely right about the negative self talk. Actually, have you been assessed for depression? I know it might sound odd, but maybe it's something you should discuss with your GP.
ReplyDeleteI got diagosed with depression a couple of years back. The funny thing about it was that I had this mental health checklist on the fridge that came in everybody's letter boxes and I didn't have enough of the symptoms that it said on there I was supposed to have, so I figured I didn't have it.
Then it got to the point where my brain was in a continual fog, and I had to work so hard to find the words I wanted to say. A friend told me she could see the cogs turning in my brain. That did it. I talked to my Dr, got diagnosed, got on meds, got better, got off meds and now, although I still do a bit of negative self talk, it's nowhere near as bad as it was back then.
Just a thought...