I am sad.
So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.
But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.
I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...
I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.
I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.
Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.
I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...
I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...
So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.
Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.
My heart just...hurts.
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