A blog is loosley defined as 'an online journal with comments, reflections, thoughts, etc.' So basically, it's for anything you want it to be for. I think everyone who blogs probably does it for different reasons. Sometimes it's to share/spread information, sometimes to vent, sometimes to gather opinions of others', sometimes to bring attention to things we find important.
An important thing, I think, to remember about blogs is that in writing something available at large to the public, is that they're open widely to interpretation. And because everyone thinks differently, it's safe to say that everyone that reads a blog will have an at least slightly different understanding or take something from it different than what someone else will. Simply because I read a blog and think it means one thing, first of all doesn't mean that everyone else will see it the same way, and secondly it doesn't mean that I'm "right" (or "wrong") in what I think it means.
I'm so tired of people being judgmental. I'm so tired of having to defend myself for nothing. I'm so tired of being so unsure of everything. I just want to feel safe, and confident, and happy. Even if I don't know exactly what's going to happen, I want to believe that it'll be okay, whatever it is. I want to believe my gut and make my head shut the fucking fuck up. I want to know I'm gonna be okay, even if I don't know how. I want to hurt less, not more. I want to feel all the time the way I feel in what I've come to see as my personal little bubble... Because there, I just know it's going to be okay. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But whatever happens....it will be. I don't have to question anything, because everything just is. There are no questions, there are no doubts. All the SHIT in life disappears for just a little while. I feel sure, I feel confident, I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel safe, I feel special, I feel......I FEEL. I feel everything.
I wish it was possible to have everyone I love with me all the time. I wish it was possible for some things to last forever. I wish distance was easily overcome. I wish life and love were easy. I wish SOMETHING in life was easy. Just one or two things, not all of it. I'm not afraid to work for what I want/need. I've worked since I was 16 years old and I know that's not as long as some people, but I have. And I was forced to grow up and be an adult far earlier than anyone should. But it made me who I am. I've dealt with a lot in life and I've been hurt and I've loved and I've lost. I've lost a lot. I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I feel like things keep happening that keep chipping off little pieces, a little more, a little more, and soon there isn't going to be anything left. I know I trust too easily, and I know I love too much. I don't think I'd change that, though. First of all, I'm not sure one can love "too much" ... I think love is one of the strongest, most amazing..."things" in the world. The love of family, the love of a child, the love of a best friend. But it's still important to be conscious and observant when meeting new people, though I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I believe I'm a good judge of character, even if I've been (quite obviously) wrong about some. I believe I'm a good person, even though I've made mistakes. I've never intentionally hurt anyone. Let me repeat that. I've. Never. Intentionally. Hurt. Anyone. I don't use people and I don't take advantage of situations that some others might. Truly, all I want in the world is to be overall happy and to love and be loved. And by that I mean my family and my friends (because apparently I have to clarify). I LOVE, love. In all of its forms, all of its ways. You absolutely need to love yourself before you can be truly capable of loving anyone else. But to love and to be loved, I think, is something everyone wants. And if you even think at any point that you've found that, I don't think you should give it an opportunity to pass you by.
Lots of people say that they have no regrets in their lives because each choice or experience has helped shape who they are. To an extent, I agree with that. But I also think that sometimes there are things we just wish we hadn't (or had) done. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think it's all the more reason to live life each day to the fullest, and try to live positively, and tell people that you love them if you do, and take opportunities that are placed in front of you. That's why I tell you all I love you all the time; well, a) because I do, and you make every minute of every day better in some way, and b) because I think everyone should know they are loved. Sometimes life offers us second chances. But sometimes it doesn't. And (depending on your beliefs, I suppose), this is the only life we get.
I've realized recently that quite possibly the hardest thing in the world is to be hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. If a person can hurt someone they "love" - is there anything they're not willing to do? Will they stop at nothing to satisfy their own selfish needs and wants? I think yes. And I think if you can hurt someone you claim to "love" ... that you never really loved them, not really. I can't fathom the idea of purposely hurting someone I DISLIKE, let alone someone I actually care about. It breaks my heart the times that I have hurt anyone, but it was still never intentional. Of course that doesn't mean it makes something okay, hurting someone else is never okay. But to intentionally hurt someone, whether out of anger, revenge, or just plain meanness - is just never, ever right. Two wrongs don't make a right. And it doesn't help any situation.
I may have lost track somewhere along this...sorry about that. I'm tired, I've had a rough day/week. I'm just a little frustrated when people take my words the wrong way. But as I said, blogs are based on interpretations. Just like music. What a song means to me may mean something completely different to someone else. I thought about removing some of the blogs that seem to have caused some people to make incorrect assumptions or judgments, but mainly I feel that just because they have come to the wrong conclusions doesn't mean I should apologize for it. Because, after all, THEY are wrong. And if I choose to explain to said person what was actually meant, they still have to choose whether or not to listen when I do so. And then they have to choose whether or not to believe the truth, or whether to continue believing what they already thought. Sometimes people have made their minds up and what you say is absolutely meaningless.
Perception...we all care what other people think to some extent. But if we censor what we say based on that, what is the point of writing in the first place? I'm not responsible for people taking what I say the wrong way. When I write, I write about my life. Or I write about someone else's life, if it's on my mind. If I write about someone else, am I going to call them out or give specifics about their situation? Of course not. Does that mean what I wrote is about me? Certainly not. Hell, it could be a MOVIE I saw that made me think about something. It could be anything. My writing style is what it is...it's about the only somewhat "creative" thing I can do. I like it. I know I jump around and get off topic and babble sometimes, but I'm okay with that - cuz it's me. If I've learned anything over the last few months, it's this: Even though there are some things about myself that I'm not happy with, and things I'd like to improve, some people love me exactly how I am. Despite my faults and eccentricites and silly ridiculous eating habits and nerdy love of Star Wars and Harry Potter and the fact that I am just a little bit OCD about certain things, etc. etc. etc., my friends and my family still love me this way. I CAN be happy just as who I am. THAT realization is what has changed my life. Not a thing, or a specific person, or anything else. It's been the support and love bestowed on me by the people in my life who want nothing but for me to be happy. Maybe even if it wasn't their optimal outcome. That is true friendship, true love. That is what's given me the strength to start living for me and to come to certain realizations.
The bottom line is, I can't control how people take what I say/write. I can't control the comments people make about it. I can't control who reads what I say to begin with. However. I am free to say/write whatever I want. I have enough respect for myself and the people in my life that I'm not going to write about something inappropriate to any situation, in my opinion. If I am vague, it's for a reason (even if that reason is as simple as because I wanna be). I also don't have to justify myself for what I write. I have somewhat done that here, but I don't have to. Because just because someone, somewhere misinterpreted what I said, and/or drew incorrect conclusions... Well, frankly, it isn't my problem. I don't write this blog for other people (though I'm not going to lie and say I don't like comments/feedback on some topics). I write this for myself. Because it helps me get some shit outta my head. It helps me vent. It helps me put my thoughts and/or feelings into some sort of organized order (which we know the #OCD part of me loooooves).
Sooo...my point. What IS my point? I guess my point is, a blog is specifically for personal expression. It's not fact, it's not a story, it's simply how I think and feel, about my own life and about other people/things. While I get that by letting people read what I write, I know that I am opening myself up to judgment and giving people an opportunity to form incorrect assumptions about me and/or my life. Frankly, there's nothing I can do about that. The people who really know me know what I'm about and they know the kind of person that I am.
I'm far from perfect, extremely far. But I am a fierce friend. I am a lover. I am a good "mom" to my dogs. I am a hard worker. I am honest. I am accepting of the fact that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I am thankful for everyone/thing good in my life.
I am insecure, but I'm working on it. I am weak, but I'm getting stronger. I am impatient, but I'm trying. I am anxious, but I'm trying to stay calm. I am a negative thinker, but I'm trying to be more positive. I am unsure of where the fuck my life is going to go...but I do know what I want. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I know what I want. I know who I want in my life, and I know who I don't.
There is one thing going on right now that is incredibly hard for me to deal with. I'm overwhelmed with a wide range of feelings that cannot always be expressed, and I think that's hard in any situation. That was my original reason for wanting to write tonight. It's difficult to have something you feel so strongly about, that you can't talk about. Or that you can talk about, but only to certain people, and the people you could actually talk to about it, you can't. For whatever reason. Life would be so much easier if everyone just always said how they really felt. Even if it was bad, at least you would know, and you wouldn't have to deal with the insecurities that come along with any kind of relationship (manager/employee, friends, lovers, etc. etc. etc.). Or maybe not everyone deals with insecurity? I don't know. I feel like I always have, but I also think that has a lot to do with my surroundings. Not that I am making excuses or blaming anyone for the way that I am or the way that I think. No one can make me think or feel any way if I don't let them. I'm just still learning not to let them.
I doubt this actually made any sense at all. Good thing it's a blog, so it doesn't necessarily have to. Maybe I wrote it just to confuse you. Or maybe it's full of hidden meaning. Maybe it's just a damn bunch of words put into paragraph form and all it means is exactly what it says. It's not the Bible, it's not a text book, it's not some super-detailed insight into my brain or personal life.
It's just a blog. You can make a choice to read it or not. You can take anything you want from it. But whatever you do take could be completely different from what was meant.
And that's totally fine...but I'm just saying.
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