Let The Weak Be Strong, Let The Right Be Wrong...

Some things in life are really sad. The last week has been kind of crazy. I've had to watch a father and husband, who doesn't know how to act like an adult and/or control his temper, lose everything in a matter of 12 hours. Because he doesn't understand that you cannot handle situations with violence, especially not with a woman (especially not a woman who is your wife) and especially not with your child. The sad part is that he's a good dad, and I know he loves his child. I even believe he loves his wife, although he obviously doesn't know the appropriate way to treat her. And now because of some incredibly stupid, inexcusable actions on his part, he's lost his family, his home and is likely going to spend some time in jail to boot.

It saddens me that this kind of shit exists in the world. I guess you always hear about "domestic violence" and horrible crimes that people commit, but I have never really seen it first-hand. I guess in some ways I'm still naive to the world. On the "up side" I guess, for lack of a better term, I also saw a really strong woman finally make a decision I think she'd been scared to make before. She finally did what she knew she needed to for HER. I hate to see anyone have to go through something like this, but I'm happy for the fact that even though it's hard now, she is going to be so much better off, and so much happier in the long run.

Situations like this I would think would really put my life and my problems into perspective. And it really does... But it also makes me feel like a really shitty person, and maybe I am. When I talked to one of my best friends about this earlier, she said, "You have your reasons. It doesn't make your reasons less valid but things could be far worse, that's true." What I am going through may not compare even slightly to what I've witnessed other people fight through and overcome, but I guess in my "world" what I'm going through is my "big fight." And the sad part is that I haven't even been able to overcome it and be strong enough. I guess we all have it in us to make it through anything, we just have to finally figure out how.

Some people that tell you they'll always be there just aren't. You shouldn't "have" to rely on people, but I don't think it's wrong to put your faith in them when they tell you you can, when they tell you they want you to. When they tell you they care and if nothing else are there to listen. What I think some don't realize is that, it's not even necessarily that you want to talk about everything, or that you have "drama" or that you want them to give you advice... Sometimes you just want to know that you aren't alone. Sometimes you want to be reminded that someone has your back no matter what. Sometimes you want to know someone still believes in you, even when you no longer believe in yourself. Sometimes you just want to know your friends still love you despite yourself and stupid things you may say or do.

Sometimes...you just want things to be how they were.

Although I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself and have struggled more this week than in a long time, I feel awed and inspired by not only the strength I've seen in the last 24 hours from someone younger and stronger than me, but by the positivity and drive and confidence that some people display and hold onto regardless of what life throws at them. By people who don't allow "bad" things in life to get to them because they are able to focus on all of the good in their world around them and remember the important things in life, despite anything else. People who always let the ones they love know that they love them, because their selves and their lives are influenced just as much by these people as ours are by them. People who always take care of themselves and are also always there for the people they love regardless of what's going on in their own busy lives.

It's those people that give me hope when I feel that I've all but lost it. It's those people that remind me I'll always make it through anything, even if it might not feel like it. And they remind me that sometime, some day, it will get better. It has to.

I'm so blessed with the people in my life. Thank you, all, for all that you are. And for seeing me even when I've lost myself.

Xx

I Don't Wanna Be A Book of Endings...

I'm incredibly frustrated. I feel like some things in my life right now are some sort of big joke. Kinda like someone's sitting and laughing at me... Like I'm naive and stupid.

I'm sick of letting people hurt me just because I love them too much to get them out of my life. Friendship has always been huge in my life; I didn't have my parents around a lot when I was younger so my friends have always been more like family to me. It's not fair that people take advantage of me and it's not fair that people make judgments on me, especially based on inaccurate information, when I don't even deserve it. Like... I'm fucking done with this shit. I'm sick of people treating me like shit I guess just because they can. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am worth more than certain situations I have in my life. And I don't know how to stop caring and letting them hurt me. Because I'm too scared of losing them to stand up for myself. I know you just thought, "But if you'd lose them for that they're not worth it anyway" or "if they hurt you over and over, they don't deserve you or your friendship anyway". I get that, and though I don't completely agree, it's a moot point because I don't know how to stop caring and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying so damn hard and I just don't know.

I don't want to lose anyone because they're important to me. Whether or not they deserve my time and friendship, the fact remains that I can't change my feelings, I can't just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone. And I love the people in my life. I've lost enough people that I value, my friends mean the world to me, I don't want to lose anyone else. I've dealt with so much loss... The thought of more just breaks my heart.

I know that I am the answer to this. I am the only one I can change, and I'm the one letting people hurt me and not treat me like a friend should be treated. I know that I deserve better than that. And I don't think any of these people do it intentionally. I just feel stuck. I don't want to keep getting sad and hurt, and I don't want to lose people that I really care about. And although I know that I need to let them go regardless because I don't deserve some things, I don't know how to stop caring, to stop wanting them in my life. I don't know how to forget the reasons we became friends to begin with.

I think this goes back to something that happened a few years ago... Sometimes I feel like people find it really easy to just stop caring about me, like it's so easy for them to just drop me and move on with their lives without even a second thought. I just can't seem to figure out how to do that, and it makes me feel weak, and stupid, and...worthless. I can't change anyone else, I can only change me and what I allow and how I react. I can't complain about someone or something hurting me over and over when I don't just rid my life of those negative influences and therefore continue to allow it. Things and people that are already in my heart, regardless of their current actions (or non-actions), I don't know how to get them out.

How do you just stop caring? How do you find the strength to let go of friendships you love and value? I think it's the hope that at some point they'll go back to the person you met and cared for to begin with. But that may never happen. Unfortunately people don't always show their true selves at the beginning. It makes me feel stupid for believing them, though. Like in some ways I feel very naive, just because I want to believe the best in people, and I want to believe that everyone will be as up front and honest about things as I am. But that's not realistic anymore. It's just not.

I'm so sick of rudeness, and lies, and people talking badly about me with things that aren't even true. I'm tired of being judged by people who think they know me, that make inaccurate assumptions without even actually getting to know me. I wish my friends would stick up for me when people make up stories about me, or even just have wrong ideas. I wish I was important enough to them that they'd tell people who I really am. I wish I was important enough in general. Or I wish I didn't care anymore. Yeah. Mostly I wish I didn't care.

I'm so pathetic, I know. I'm truly trying as hard as I can to be a stronger person, and I'm not making excuses for myself. I just feel lost, I feel like I'm losing hope. Everytime I think I'm getting ahead even the smallest bit, something knocks me on my ass, and I'm so discouraged because it feels like any progress I've made is just gone. It's just been a very hard few months...okay, or like 6 months. I know I'm stronger than I feel and I know that things could very easily be much worse than they are.

I just... I just want to be happy. That's seriously all I want in life. That probably sounds pathetic too; I don't have any big dreams or huge things that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a good, comfortable life and be happy. Again, that's probably pretty pathetic to people who have huge dreams and goals in life, but it is what it is... I don't need to be the headliner. I've struggled in many ways over the 26 years of my life, and I know what I value. Family, love, friendship. I don't have to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want a job that means something to me, for whatever reason. I want to be able to pick up and travel and see new places often. And I want to do it with people I love.

I just want to be happy. I'm trying to be patient and do what I can to make things the best that I can. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and surrounding myself with good people, who care for me very much. I'm just struggling. Doesn't mean I'm giving up and life isn't easy... Just struggling, and a little lost... But I'm working on it. Doing the best I can. And right now, that's all I can do.

Maybe This Is Wishful Thinking, Probably Mindless Dreaming...

There are certain things in life that should be free. Things that no one profits on, that everyone just gets. Or can get at an average, set price. Water, basic foods, basic clothing. Even homes, health insurance, transportation. Even if there was a standard and everything was the same. People with means could always "upgrade" if they felt the need, but at least everyone would have the basics. No one would be hungry, no one would be homeless. Some people probably don't consider the same things to be necessities as others, but certain things keep us alive and allow life around us (schools, jobs, medical facilities, etc.) to continue functioning day after day. Everyone should have an opportunity to live.

When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...

Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.

I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.

Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.

It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.

I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.

A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.

Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.

Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.

Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.

I Never Really Cared Until I Met You...

Why is it that people find it necessary to question everything? (That was some kind of weird oxymoron in itself, huh?) But really. Sometimes it's so incredibly difficult to just take something at face value and not think or worry about its outcome. Speaking for myself, I know it's usually out of fear. Fear of being hurt, or let down. Fear of being betrayed. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being used...

In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.

I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).

But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.

I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.

I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)

And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.

Isolation.

Sitting alone, wrapped in a blanket, I'm staring at the TV but not actually watching.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.

I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.

No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.

For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...

I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.

(no subject)

What's right isn't always easy.
What's wrong isn't always hard.
Can something be right and wrong at the same time?

What's good isn't always good.
What's bad isn't always bad.
Does the bad really outweigh the good, or does it only seem that way because bad is often more overwhelming than good?

What's right isn't always right.
What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.
Maybe that's why it's necessary to learn to make choices for ourselves and our own well-being.

How do you get over hurting someone?
How do you find faith in your decisions when you don't know if it's right?
What if you fuck up your life?
What if you fuck up someone else's life?
How do you stop worrying about someone else and do for you?
What if something horrible happened, and you had to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life?

I feel so selfish.

If you do what you feel you have to, for yourself, is it right/okay no matter what happens because you were true to yourself?
Is it even about right and wrong?

Gnats are biting me.
I want to fucking kill them.
I just want to relax.
I want the sun to dry my tears.
I want it to soak up my pain.

I want a new day.
I want a new me.

I want hope.
I want strength.
I want to love.
I want to be loved.
I want life.

I want sunshine and laughter and smiles and glitter and ice cream and puppies.

I want. I want. I want.

I Don't Care What You Say, We Never Played By The Same Rules Anyway

As a lot of you know, I've been doing a lot of reflection lately ... both within myself and with my life as a whole. I feel like I've had some sort of epiphany of sorts. While I don't know to who or what I owe this, I'm incredibly grateful for it. I feel as though I've spent years fighting, to no avail, to be just a little bit happier, have a little bit more energy, be a little bit more positive. I started to think that it was just in my genes, and I was out of luck, it's just how I was. Destined to be stressed and unhappy. I had very little hope left at all. When you lose hope ... it's like ... you're stuck at the bottom of a big fucking ditch ... not even a ditch, more like a crater or something. And you're just lying there in the dirt at the bottom. And there's no sound, no light, no life. You're just there, and you'll be there forever, and there's no way out of it so there's no use in trying. I never, ever want to be in that hole again. And it's like now, seemingly suddenly, I realize what I have to do and what needs to change in my life. Within me, and in my surroundings.

I am sad today. Maybe sad isn't the right word ... disappointed, perhaps? Not sure. I just wish I could control my emotions more. Possess a little more patience. It's incredibly frustrating knowing how I should act/react to things, but not being able to make my brain work that way. It's all a work in progress ... I mean, our reactions to things and situations are often a huge impact on the end result. And if we overstress about something or worry needlessly about what may or may not happen, or if something is out of our control, all we are doing is making it harder on ourselves. If we can't control it, why can't we just sit back and let it take its course? Or worse, to create issues that aren't even there, but just may happen. Anything could happen, but it doesn't mean it will. I think in the past for me, preparing for the worst always made things a little bit easier when they didn't get that far. "Sweet, not as bad as I expected!" But at the same time, my stress levels have always been off the charts. We go through enough in our lives that we have to endure because that's just the way life goes. To add more onto our plates with everything else for no reason is silly. Someone told me once that when something happens, to take a step back and ask myself, "Okay. This sucks. But, is it going to matter tomorrow? In three days? In a week? In a month?" If the answer is "no", then it's time to stop stressing about it and just deal with it however necessary, if necessary, or just let it go. This is something I always seem to think about a split second after I've gone into "crisis mode". My goal on this new avenue of my life is to make this my initial thought/reaction, instead of the afterthought.

Sometimes, I don't want to forgive people. Is it ever okay to hold a grudge? Does not liking someone's actions or morals (or lack thereof) make it okay to not want anything to do with them? If someone apologizes to you, even if they mean it, is it okay to just be like, "Ya know what? Sorry. But I don't want your drama or your two-facedness in my life. It's not healthy for you, and I don't want to be associated with it." I don't wish harm or ill-will on anyone, I would never do that. But I'm a very honest person, and for the most part I think I'm a pretty "good" person as far as what I believe and the way I live my life. I expect to get what I give when it comes to friendships ... and by that I mean trust, support, confidence, love..... I don't like when people use others. I don't like when people lie and cheat and steal. I don't like when people are disrespectful. I don't like when people think they're better than others. I don't like "one-uppers". I don't like when people don't understand boundaries. Is it wrong to not want those kinds of people in my life, even if they are not truly bad people? Maybe just happen to have some misguided thoughts or ideals? Sometimes I don't know. Maybe we all just need to focus on ourselves, and having positivity in our lives? I'm just a very guilty person. I feel bad. But maybe it's time to start looking out for me, and to not be so concerned with everyone else for once in my life. It'll always be hard, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Everyone shows their true colors eventually. I just like to show mine up front. What you see is what you get with me. I don't like when people don't like me. But I can't change their opinions, especially if I don't even know why they don't. My family loves me and my friends love me. That should always be enough. It is enough. It will be enough.

I find it funny how differently two people who live together can do everything ... the way they put their clothes on a hanger, the way the toilet paper hangs, the way they clean something, the way they make the bed, the way they do laundry, the way they organize things. How do we get the little idiosyncrasies that we have? I literally like can't handle it when the toilet paper isn't "over" ... it makes me cringe. What does it matter? It doesn't change how it works, or its purpose. I just don't know why anyone would do it the other way. As if it's so very different.

Yeah. This is the stupid stuff I think about.

xx