I Don't Care What You Say, We Never Played By The Same Rules Anyway

As a lot of you know, I've been doing a lot of reflection lately ... both within myself and with my life as a whole. I feel like I've had some sort of epiphany of sorts. While I don't know to who or what I owe this, I'm incredibly grateful for it. I feel as though I've spent years fighting, to no avail, to be just a little bit happier, have a little bit more energy, be a little bit more positive. I started to think that it was just in my genes, and I was out of luck, it's just how I was. Destined to be stressed and unhappy. I had very little hope left at all. When you lose hope ... it's like ... you're stuck at the bottom of a big fucking ditch ... not even a ditch, more like a crater or something. And you're just lying there in the dirt at the bottom. And there's no sound, no light, no life. You're just there, and you'll be there forever, and there's no way out of it so there's no use in trying. I never, ever want to be in that hole again. And it's like now, seemingly suddenly, I realize what I have to do and what needs to change in my life. Within me, and in my surroundings.

I am sad today. Maybe sad isn't the right word ... disappointed, perhaps? Not sure. I just wish I could control my emotions more. Possess a little more patience. It's incredibly frustrating knowing how I should act/react to things, but not being able to make my brain work that way. It's all a work in progress ... I mean, our reactions to things and situations are often a huge impact on the end result. And if we overstress about something or worry needlessly about what may or may not happen, or if something is out of our control, all we are doing is making it harder on ourselves. If we can't control it, why can't we just sit back and let it take its course? Or worse, to create issues that aren't even there, but just may happen. Anything could happen, but it doesn't mean it will. I think in the past for me, preparing for the worst always made things a little bit easier when they didn't get that far. "Sweet, not as bad as I expected!" But at the same time, my stress levels have always been off the charts. We go through enough in our lives that we have to endure because that's just the way life goes. To add more onto our plates with everything else for no reason is silly. Someone told me once that when something happens, to take a step back and ask myself, "Okay. This sucks. But, is it going to matter tomorrow? In three days? In a week? In a month?" If the answer is "no", then it's time to stop stressing about it and just deal with it however necessary, if necessary, or just let it go. This is something I always seem to think about a split second after I've gone into "crisis mode". My goal on this new avenue of my life is to make this my initial thought/reaction, instead of the afterthought.

Sometimes, I don't want to forgive people. Is it ever okay to hold a grudge? Does not liking someone's actions or morals (or lack thereof) make it okay to not want anything to do with them? If someone apologizes to you, even if they mean it, is it okay to just be like, "Ya know what? Sorry. But I don't want your drama or your two-facedness in my life. It's not healthy for you, and I don't want to be associated with it." I don't wish harm or ill-will on anyone, I would never do that. But I'm a very honest person, and for the most part I think I'm a pretty "good" person as far as what I believe and the way I live my life. I expect to get what I give when it comes to friendships ... and by that I mean trust, support, confidence, love..... I don't like when people use others. I don't like when people lie and cheat and steal. I don't like when people are disrespectful. I don't like when people think they're better than others. I don't like "one-uppers". I don't like when people don't understand boundaries. Is it wrong to not want those kinds of people in my life, even if they are not truly bad people? Maybe just happen to have some misguided thoughts or ideals? Sometimes I don't know. Maybe we all just need to focus on ourselves, and having positivity in our lives? I'm just a very guilty person. I feel bad. But maybe it's time to start looking out for me, and to not be so concerned with everyone else for once in my life. It'll always be hard, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Everyone shows their true colors eventually. I just like to show mine up front. What you see is what you get with me. I don't like when people don't like me. But I can't change their opinions, especially if I don't even know why they don't. My family loves me and my friends love me. That should always be enough. It is enough. It will be enough.

I find it funny how differently two people who live together can do everything ... the way they put their clothes on a hanger, the way the toilet paper hangs, the way they clean something, the way they make the bed, the way they do laundry, the way they organize things. How do we get the little idiosyncrasies that we have? I literally like can't handle it when the toilet paper isn't "over" ... it makes me cringe. What does it matter? It doesn't change how it works, or its purpose. I just don't know why anyone would do it the other way. As if it's so very different.

Yeah. This is the stupid stuff I think about.

xx