So Much For My Happy Ending...

I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who doesn't love me. Now I also know what it's like to be on the other side...to be loved by someone I don't-can't-love. Of course, he doesn't actually love me, though he thinks he does. He doesn't like the person that I am, and he doesn't love me either. But he thinks he does, and I know that one day he'll realize that. Until then, though... Well, I just know that it sucks.

I've wondered about it before, about which side would be harder or "worse" to be on. I feel bad. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, for any reason. But it's not something that I can control. Even without taking into account all of the circumstances and reasons for feeling the way I do, there's not any way to change it. To say I changed isn't exactly right... I think it would be more accurate to say that I found myself again. For a long time I let go of everything I was and wanted and I became a person that I thought I should be, that someone wanted me to be. Depression was a huge part of it too. With all of it together, I kind of turned into this shell of who I used to be. I lost interest in everything I used to love and focused on nothing but trying to make "our" life a good one, to be what I thought a wife should be. More than anything I wanted to be loved and taken care of, and there were more than a few times that that led to some decisions that were probably not the best.

I tried so hard, for so many years, to try to make things okay. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that if I could just fix myself, everything would be okay. Last summer something happened, something inside of me, that made me remember who I was, what I wanted, and showed me what I needed to be able to get that. And that I deserved everything I want and need. I told him what those things were...and I believe he tried in every way he was capable to try to be that. But just as I shouldn't have to be anyone else, neither should he. Neither should anyone.

One day he said that he had just realized that "maybe things won't work out" and he had to accept that. I didn't know what to do with that. I had always been operating under the assumption, no-the fact, that we were meant to be together, and everything would work out because that's how it was, and that was all there is to it. It rocked my own personal little world to find that uncertainty... To know that wasn't the case, and then think about the situation and everything going on in my life at that time. And I realized that we just weren't supposed to be together. That's why we couldn't make it work - because it wasn't supposed to work. We spent so many years trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. We both deserve to be happy...and the only way for that to happen was and is without each other.

And with the support and love and so many things from the people I am closest to, I found the strength to end something that I used to think would be forever. I realized my worth, I realized what I am capable of. I realized that the person I really am, who for so many years I didn't think I could be, was okay. I have a lot of things I want to work on on myself...but there is nothing wrong with me. I was just in a relationship with someone I wasn't meant to be with. Someone who wasn't meant to be with me.

Maybe there is someone out there especially for me. I don't really know anymore. I just knew I couldn't stay in a situation because I was scared of the "other" choice. Regardless of how my life turns out, I know I made the right decision. And that's without even taking into account all of the other circumstances surrounding it all. There is no question.

It's hard to see a situation where someone is in love with someone who doesn't love them back. Call me a romantic, but I believe in true love and I believe in fate and destiny. Love should never be unrequited...and to know, SEE, for a fact that it very much is and can be... Well, it's just sad to think about. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I hope I find the one who's out there for me... Love enhances everything else there is in life, in my opinion. Regardless, I know now who I am and who I want to be, who I'm capable of being...

And that's all I really know for sure anymore.