I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...

Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.

So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.

I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.

What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.

I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.

I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.