Maybe I'll Even Laugh About It Someday...But Not Today, No.

Why is this upsetting me now? Why can't I handle it? Why won't it stop? I thought that it was supposed to get better with time, but instead it feels as though it only gets worse and worse.

Why wasn't I, am I never, will I ever be good enough? Why won't the pain caused by others leave me?

How am I EVER going to be okay? Time does nothing. Space does nothing. Hope....kills me.

I am destroyed. Only a shell of who I used to be. I wish I could say that I was numb, but instead I only feel pain. Unending, debilitating, searing pain.

I would give absolutely anything to make it stop.

Stop.

You Didn't Say You're Sorry...

Sometimes things happen to us in life. Bad things, good things, unavoidable things. I have often wondered if there's anything that can happen that would have the ability to truly and undeniably change us, forever. It seems like we should be able to control how and to what extent things affect us, but I really don't think that's real anymore.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I've been struggling a lot with missing my dad and the fact that he's gone. Forever. Selfishly, no doubt it's partly because so much has been happening that I really need him right now. He was my confidant, my best friend and the one person that I knew I could say anything to and he would always love me, never judge me, and never bullshit me. And he needed me too. I was the only one who never gave up on him. I miss him when good things happen and I miss him when bad things happen. It seems ridiculous after all this time but it really hasn't gotten much easier for me. Maybe that's somehow my own fault. Sometimes seeing or hearing about death makes it feel fresh all over again. I guess I'm a very empathetic person. I feel for other people more than I should. I consider it a fault rather than an asset.

The other part of things is, with so much shit that happens to us in our lives, I don't understand why people act the way that they do. I don't understand meanness, or rudeness, or intentionally hurting someone. The keyword there is "intentional." See, everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them probably. But I don't buy into that all the time. The biggest question that I find myself asking is, "Why did they do this to me?" I'm not being all "woe is me" about anything, as I said, shit happens to us all. But to intentionally do something knowing (and/or in spite of the fact) that you will hurt someone, really fucking sucks. How do you rid yourself of the feeling of complete worthlessness when it's caused by someone whose opinion meant the most to you? It only makes matters worse if you don't even acknowledge or apologize for the things you do, or even give a fuck that you hurt someone, and I think that's what really defines you as a person. To say that we will make it through life without hurting someone else would be an unreasonable expectation. How we handle the situations that do occur say more about who we are, in my opinion. If you do something wrong you can deny it or run from it, or you can be honest with yourself and take responsibility for the things you've done. At the very least you can do that for someone you have wronged, maybe make it even the smallest bit easier for them to move on from the pain you have caused them. If you care. And frankly, I can't understand not caring if you've hurt someone. To not care that you've treated them as though they are worth nothing, disposable, crazy or stupid. Especially someone you claimed to care about. Or maybe that's just the answer right there. Maybe they never cared to begin with. People are great actors. The reason that this question continues to plague me is that I know I am a good person, a kind person, a real person. And I haven't done anything wrong. Regardless of situations, reasons, feelings, circumstances, whatever; I did nothing to deserve to be treated the way I have been treated. Yet people, people I loved, chose to intentionally, deliberately and directly hurt me. And it has broken me, more than anyone will ever know. Completely and fully. At this point, I'm truly not sure I can ever recover. Maybe there are certain types of broken hearts that simply cannot heal.

It may not be right and maybe I should be able to handle it better, and I'm trying. But no one realizes the depth of what has been done. Very least the people who have contributed to it (not that they care anyway). Many people think that they know my story. The truth is that even if you knew the extent of things (which no one does), NO ONE knows the pain I have felt, continue to feel - may always feel. No one knows how hard I have struggled and how hard every day is for me. No one knows the betrayal, or the abuse. No one knows the thoughts in my head and pain in my heart one afternoon before downing a bottle of pills. Those of you who choose to judge me and talk about me and say things that aren't even true should remember that you do not know anything, you simply (and wrongly) assume things, and perhaps your time would be better spent focusing on your own lives instead of mine. Your distorted versions of me are not who I am. And it speaks to who you are to base your judgment and opinions of me on what you hear or assume, rather than what you know from me directly. That doesn't just go for me, you should consider that about anyone. It's called acting like an adult and not a bratty teenage girl.

I don't expect people to get it. I don't expect anything from anyone and I don't want anyone's pity. All I really want is for this to go away. I want to forget it and stop hurting so much all the fucking time. I don't know how to heal from the things that have happened. Time seems to make it worse because it's further reminder how little I mean and how easy I am to walk away from. My vision of some things currently may be clouded by my pain - but actions speak volumes, and false words mean nothing.

The only thing I've ever asked for was to be treated the way I treat people. Sometimes people just want to know that you love and care about them. I don't feel that's an unreasonable expectation from a friend. It seems, however, that I was wrong.

I think that maybe part of what I need to heal and get past this is the answer to that question. Why? Seems simple enough. But maybe there is no answer - even if those people were willing to give one. That means what I must do is forget. And of all things..... That's proven to be the hardest thing of all.

is it over yet?

broken.
destroyed.
ruined.
lost.
unloved.

desolation.
isolation.

forgotten...

i wish i was dead.

That Would Show You, That Would Make You Hurt Like Me...

I can't keep expecting people to be decent. I can't keep expecting people to be considerate of others. I thought I could expect these things from people who are friends, but I am proven wrong over and over. And I'm tired of it. I'm sick of the entire fucking human race at this point, and every stupid day of this stupid fucking life. If no matter how hard you try, you can never make anything any better and you can never succeed in what you want most, then I ask you,

What in the FUCK is the point?


So disappointed. So, so disappointed. So hurt. One day I am quite sure it will actually kill me. At least then there will be peace.

And Then No Need To Endure Anymore, Time Dies...

I sit and listen to a man talk and laugh with co-workers. A man who lost his beloved wife suddenly two weeks ago. And here I sit, wishing I didn't have to live anymore. And I feel worse because not only do I no longer value life, but I am so depressed and so sad that I can barely stand it. Yet this man who has just suffered this great loss is okay, he's making it, he's getting through the day. And I want to give up and die. I've not recently experienced a loss such as his, but I cannot figure out how to overcome things. How to face losing everything and everyone. How to find happiness again.

And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.

I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.

I just want it all to stop.

I am a horrible human being.

Already Gone.

Forget what I said. I give up. I'm done trying. Done.

I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...

It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...

There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.

With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.

So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -

Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.

Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.

Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.

I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.

I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.

I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3

All my love,

Lo

Sometimes all you want is for someone to be there when you need it the most. To figure out how to solve the problem.

I wish I could end it all.

Stuck...

I dislike games. I think everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't like having to "control" what I do or don't do because of other people. I don't like that certain things in my life are being controlled by outside influences, when they shouldn't be. I wish I could change things. Or just stop caring.

I hate this.

I'm finding it increasingly irritating that so many of life's choices, no matter how appropriate or even right they might be at the time they're made, end up just fucking us over in the end. It just doesn't seem like it should work that way. It's like lose-lose. Even if you make the right choices for the time, it doesn't always mean that things will end up right.

And I think that sucks.

Skies Are Crying, I Am Watching...

Last night I dreamt that you'd died. And the sad part is, I was actually jealous.

Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.

I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.

People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?

Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?

Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.

No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.

What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.

You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.

People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.

So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.

I'm sorry.

Dear Everyone.

It's always more to me. Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

Not that I can blame them. I can't. That doesn't make it not hurt. It doesn't change the way I feel for them. But it's always more to me.

Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

My heart aches. My heart breaks. Over and over again, the pain in my chest crushes me. When will I stop missing you? Her? Him? I won't. Even though you already have. Because its always more to me.

You fell into my life as if you were supposed to have always been there. And I was stupid enough to believe it. You said you wanted to make everything okay. And when you could, you chose not to. You turned away. And you lied. You lied.

What couldn't be ignored before is easy now. For you. I pretend not to see. As if I am a fool. For fear of losing. Losing you. Losing them. Losing everything. I have nothing left, anymore. And still I continue to lose. It has destroyed me. Because its always more to me.

Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

You said you'd always be there.
You're not.

Trust me when I say you do not want to hear all the things I really have to say.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met you.

You Can Call Me Unperfect, But Who's Perfect?

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that some things have nothing to do with you, aren't personal or to not be selfish. Or even if you remember those things, to believe is something entirely different. Hearts aren't logical, how can one make them so? Or are you supposed to just figure out how to ignore them? That's the only thing I can think of. You can't change how you feel about something, so the only other option is to pretend it doesn't exist.

I guess I'm not so good at that. (Clearly.)

Sometimes things that "aren't supposed" to make you sad, still make you sad.

And I'm sad.

I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...

Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.

So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.

I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.

What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.

I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.

I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.

The Truth Is All That I Can Hear Everytime You Lie...

"Goodbye" is the word swimming around in my head, but my lips don't want to speak it. Life isn't easy, nor is it supposed to be, but why must everything be so difficult? Why does it seem like the things you should do are always the absolute hardest?

Why can't people act the way they should, and do the things they should, and things happen as they should? What proof is there that everything that is "right" works out in the end? Who's to say the things that go wrong weren't actually supposed to? What if people just fuck shit up with stupid decisions or actions? I guess there's no way to change that. But it sure fucking sucks.

I'm sad. I don't want to. But I think I have to. Because life is stupid. And good people get fucked, while others don't care, or take them for granted.

And that's the way it goes...

Whyawannabringmedown?

You'll think what you want
Say what you will
It doesn't mean you know anything
What is is not always what it seems

It's not your place
The choice isn't yours
Don't do me any "favors"
You don't know what I need

It doesn't help
You do me a disservice
It's not a game for you to play
Shut up and go away

My life is only mine
It doesn't matter what you believe
You don't know a thing
And only I speak for me.

They Won't Say Which Way To Go, Just Trust Your Heart...

It's interesting to consider doing something that's out of character for yourself. But maybe that's what I need to make any actual changes happen.

But is it really something you should do? Or if you do that, are you being untrue to yourself? Or being fake?

Are you losing you? Or trying to be someone you're not?

Does it actually even matter in ANY way?

Hmmmm.

This Was The Very First Page, Not Where The Storyline Ends...

People always say to "take it one day at a time" or some other general cliche. I was watching a movie the other day and a quote one of the characters said made me think. He said, "When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning."

I was thinking about how sometimes things happen that just feel like...like it's just the end of everything, like you've finally reached your breaking point, like you've really had all you can take. And then most of the time, when you look back on it a month, a week, maybe even a few days later, in many cases it's not even hardly as big of a deal as it seemed at the time, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Or you get upset because something you wanted to happen didn't, but then it turns out that you're really glad it didn't. Sometimes it's easier to look at the overall outcome rather than take it day to day, because when you look back on it as a whole, it's not nearly as intense.

It just makes me think more about fate and things being predetermined. If we knew for a fact that something would or wouldn't happen regardless of the actions we did (or did not) take, would we still try for things? And if not, would no one trying for anything then change what everything is predetermined to be? Is it possible that what we do actually has no bearing on the outcome, because it's already set? Do we actually spend time trying for things that will never happen, or does everything in some way shape everything else?

I feel like maybe fate takes us to a certain point. From there, we decide where we go, what choices we make. It'd be much more comforting if we could be sure that the "ending" would be one specific way or another. We'd know that it would either be what we wanted or not, and if it wasn't then we wouldn't waste our time trying to make it happen. To have that certainty, in my opinion, would be a huge comfort. I think I would probably put more effort into things knowing that it was for good reason, and not that I was just going to work myself to the bone for nothing. Yeah... I would take knowing for sure any day, for probably any situation (nothing comes straight to mind that I wouldn't want to know). I think if we all knew that what we were working toward was "worthwhile" that people would work twice as hard. Then again that goes back to, would people stop trying if they didn't "have" to? Two very different perspectives and kinds of people...

This was pointless, but for some reason I felt like writing. My head is just non-stop lately.

Weird.

You Were The Song All Along...

I know most people say that perfection is impossible. I think in some cases that's true... I mean, as people I don't think we can be perfect, even if only for the fact that everyone has a different definition of what "perfect" would be to them.

I do believe that people can be perfect for eachother. I think the entire point of relationships (friendship, love, otherwise) is about finding people that you mesh with, people that almost complete you in some way, and you them. In some ways you're weak and they're strong, and vice versa. Don't they say that love is really seeing an imperfect person perfectly? I think it's about how you compliment eachother. Neither is perfect on their own, but together they are perfect - for eachother, for their lives, for their futures.

And this is why I shouldn't blog after taking sleepy meds.

Night night. X

Let The Weak Be Strong, Let The Right Be Wrong...

Some things in life are really sad. The last week has been kind of crazy. I've had to watch a father and husband, who doesn't know how to act like an adult and/or control his temper, lose everything in a matter of 12 hours. Because he doesn't understand that you cannot handle situations with violence, especially not with a woman (especially not a woman who is your wife) and especially not with your child. The sad part is that he's a good dad, and I know he loves his child. I even believe he loves his wife, although he obviously doesn't know the appropriate way to treat her. And now because of some incredibly stupid, inexcusable actions on his part, he's lost his family, his home and is likely going to spend some time in jail to boot.

It saddens me that this kind of shit exists in the world. I guess you always hear about "domestic violence" and horrible crimes that people commit, but I have never really seen it first-hand. I guess in some ways I'm still naive to the world. On the "up side" I guess, for lack of a better term, I also saw a really strong woman finally make a decision I think she'd been scared to make before. She finally did what she knew she needed to for HER. I hate to see anyone have to go through something like this, but I'm happy for the fact that even though it's hard now, she is going to be so much better off, and so much happier in the long run.

Situations like this I would think would really put my life and my problems into perspective. And it really does... But it also makes me feel like a really shitty person, and maybe I am. When I talked to one of my best friends about this earlier, she said, "You have your reasons. It doesn't make your reasons less valid but things could be far worse, that's true." What I am going through may not compare even slightly to what I've witnessed other people fight through and overcome, but I guess in my "world" what I'm going through is my "big fight." And the sad part is that I haven't even been able to overcome it and be strong enough. I guess we all have it in us to make it through anything, we just have to finally figure out how.

Some people that tell you they'll always be there just aren't. You shouldn't "have" to rely on people, but I don't think it's wrong to put your faith in them when they tell you you can, when they tell you they want you to. When they tell you they care and if nothing else are there to listen. What I think some don't realize is that, it's not even necessarily that you want to talk about everything, or that you have "drama" or that you want them to give you advice... Sometimes you just want to know that you aren't alone. Sometimes you want to be reminded that someone has your back no matter what. Sometimes you want to know someone still believes in you, even when you no longer believe in yourself. Sometimes you just want to know your friends still love you despite yourself and stupid things you may say or do.

Sometimes...you just want things to be how they were.

Although I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself and have struggled more this week than in a long time, I feel awed and inspired by not only the strength I've seen in the last 24 hours from someone younger and stronger than me, but by the positivity and drive and confidence that some people display and hold onto regardless of what life throws at them. By people who don't allow "bad" things in life to get to them because they are able to focus on all of the good in their world around them and remember the important things in life, despite anything else. People who always let the ones they love know that they love them, because their selves and their lives are influenced just as much by these people as ours are by them. People who always take care of themselves and are also always there for the people they love regardless of what's going on in their own busy lives.

It's those people that give me hope when I feel that I've all but lost it. It's those people that remind me I'll always make it through anything, even if it might not feel like it. And they remind me that sometime, some day, it will get better. It has to.

I'm so blessed with the people in my life. Thank you, all, for all that you are. And for seeing me even when I've lost myself.

Xx