Sometimes things happen to us in life. Bad things, good things, unavoidable things. I have often wondered if there's anything that can happen that would have the ability to truly and undeniably change us, forever. It seems like we should be able to control how and to what extent things affect us, but I really don't think that's real anymore.
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. I've been struggling a lot with missing my dad and the fact that he's gone. Forever. Selfishly, no doubt it's partly because so much has been happening that I really need him right now. He was my confidant, my best friend and the one person that I knew I could say anything to and he would always love me, never judge me, and never bullshit me. And he needed me too. I was the only one who never gave up on him. I miss him when good things happen and I miss him when bad things happen. It seems ridiculous after all this time but it really hasn't gotten much easier for me. Maybe that's somehow my own fault. Sometimes seeing or hearing about death makes it feel fresh all over again. I guess I'm a very empathetic person. I feel for other people more than I should. I consider it a fault rather than an asset.
The other part of things is, with so much shit that happens to us in our lives, I don't understand why people act the way that they do. I don't understand meanness, or rudeness, or intentionally hurting someone. The keyword there is "intentional." See, everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them probably. But I don't buy into that all the time. The biggest question that I find myself asking is, "Why did they do this to me?" I'm not being all "woe is me" about anything, as I said, shit happens to us all. But to intentionally do something knowing (and/or in spite of the fact) that you will hurt someone, really fucking sucks. How do you rid yourself of the feeling of complete worthlessness when it's caused by someone whose opinion meant the most to you? It only makes matters worse if you don't even acknowledge or apologize for the things you do, or even give a fuck that you hurt someone, and I think that's what really defines you as a person. To say that we will make it through life without hurting someone else would be an unreasonable expectation. How we handle the situations that do occur say more about who we are, in my opinion. If you do something wrong you can deny it or run from it, or you can be honest with yourself and take responsibility for the things you've done. At the very least you can do that for someone you have wronged, maybe make it even the smallest bit easier for them to move on from the pain you have caused them. If you care. And frankly, I can't understand not caring if you've hurt someone. To not care that you've treated them as though they are worth nothing, disposable, crazy or stupid. Especially someone you claimed to care about. Or maybe that's just the answer right there. Maybe they never cared to begin with. People are great actors. The reason that this question continues to plague me is that I know I am a good person, a kind person, a real person. And I haven't done anything wrong. Regardless of situations, reasons, feelings, circumstances, whatever; I did nothing to deserve to be treated the way I have been treated. Yet people, people I loved, chose to intentionally, deliberately and directly hurt me. And it has broken me, more than anyone will ever know. Completely and fully. At this point, I'm truly not sure I can ever recover. Maybe there are certain types of broken hearts that simply cannot heal.
It may not be right and maybe I should be able to handle it better, and I'm trying. But no one realizes the depth of what has been done. Very least the people who have contributed to it (not that they care anyway). Many people think that they know my story. The truth is that even if you knew the extent of things (which no one does), NO ONE knows the pain I have felt, continue to feel - may always feel. No one knows how hard I have struggled and how hard every day is for me. No one knows the betrayal, or the abuse. No one knows the thoughts in my head and pain in my heart one afternoon before downing a bottle of pills. Those of you who choose to judge me and talk about me and say things that aren't even true should remember that you do not know anything, you simply (and wrongly) assume things, and perhaps your time would be better spent focusing on your own lives instead of mine. Your distorted versions of me are not who I am. And it speaks to who you are to base your judgment and opinions of me on what you hear or assume, rather than what you know from me directly. That doesn't just go for me, you should consider that about anyone. It's called acting like an adult and not a bratty teenage girl.
I don't expect people to get it. I don't expect anything from anyone and I don't want anyone's pity. All I really want is for this to go away. I want to forget it and stop hurting so much all the fucking time. I don't know how to heal from the things that have happened. Time seems to make it worse because it's further reminder how little I mean and how easy I am to walk away from. My vision of some things currently may be clouded by my pain - but actions speak volumes, and false words mean nothing.
The only thing I've ever asked for was to be treated the way I treat people. Sometimes people just want to know that you love and care about them. I don't feel that's an unreasonable expectation from a friend. It seems, however, that I was wrong.
I think that maybe part of what I need to heal and get past this is the answer to that question. Why? Seems simple enough. But maybe there is no answer - even if those people were willing to give one. That means what I must do is forget. And of all things..... That's proven to be the hardest thing of all.
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