I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.
It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.
Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.
It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.
I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.
I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.
I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.
I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.
I have to.
All My Love... Lo xx
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This Just In...
I was at the store today getting groceries and at the check out of course you can't help but notice the seemingly hundreds of bullshit tabloids all over the place. Ridiculous headlines, completely false stories, invasions of privacy, etc. etc. So many people are so concerned with the lives of people that they don't (and likely never will) know. Not to say that it's outrageous for a person to care about the general well-being and whatnot of someone they don't know, but what makes people think that it's their right to know about personal details of anyone else? If there are some who choose to share things with others that's their choice, but it's still not anyone's right to have that information.
I've been in and around multiple fanbases in my life and I've seen a lot of things... The thing that I don't think people realize is that, even if you are "positively" supporting (in most cases) a celebrity, but you are concerned with their every move, thought, job, relationship, in a lot of ways you are just as bad as those who are "against" them for whatever reason. Just because you don't diss them or hate on them or whatever the hell the case is, that doesn't mean that your actions are warranted or acceptable. Celebrities that have problems with being followed every second of every day and the other things that A-Listers go through; do you think that they are any happier about one of their fans digging into their personal life rather than someone who dislikes or doesn't care about them? In fact in some ways, people who are NOT fans of theirs probably "bother" them less because more than likely they're less concerned and less involved in their lives than their fans are. I'm just saying that I don't think people think about the fact that butting into someone else's life, whether it's for good intentions or bad, is not okay.
I was thinking about like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and many others... What a fine line they must have to walk. In their profession, their job is essentially to make people believe that they are these characters. As I am not an actor these are only my assumptions, but I would think as an actor you want people to care about the relationship between the characters, you want them to be invested in it, you want them to cry when they break up and be elated when they finally work things out. And then they have real life relationships and people are so focused on it because they are invested in the relationship because they still see it as the two people they're "rooting" for in the movie, to an extent the relationship overlaps.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. I was just thinking that it must be really tough... Wanting to make people care but also wanting them not to care. Obviously the characters that they portray are completely different than who they are and their real life relationship, but I think more often than not that distinction gets lost, and I think that's a lot of what causes the scrutiny and obsession with their real life private lives.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to support celebrities, I'm saying that regardless of their career and whether or not it "comes with the territory" - no one has any right to information about someone else's life. And that people need to realize that positive attention doesn't necessarily mean it's any better than negative attention... It may still be none of your business.
I've been in and around multiple fanbases in my life and I've seen a lot of things... The thing that I don't think people realize is that, even if you are "positively" supporting (in most cases) a celebrity, but you are concerned with their every move, thought, job, relationship, in a lot of ways you are just as bad as those who are "against" them for whatever reason. Just because you don't diss them or hate on them or whatever the hell the case is, that doesn't mean that your actions are warranted or acceptable. Celebrities that have problems with being followed every second of every day and the other things that A-Listers go through; do you think that they are any happier about one of their fans digging into their personal life rather than someone who dislikes or doesn't care about them? In fact in some ways, people who are NOT fans of theirs probably "bother" them less because more than likely they're less concerned and less involved in their lives than their fans are. I'm just saying that I don't think people think about the fact that butting into someone else's life, whether it's for good intentions or bad, is not okay.
I was thinking about like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and many others... What a fine line they must have to walk. In their profession, their job is essentially to make people believe that they are these characters. As I am not an actor these are only my assumptions, but I would think as an actor you want people to care about the relationship between the characters, you want them to be invested in it, you want them to cry when they break up and be elated when they finally work things out. And then they have real life relationships and people are so focused on it because they are invested in the relationship because they still see it as the two people they're "rooting" for in the movie, to an extent the relationship overlaps.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. I was just thinking that it must be really tough... Wanting to make people care but also wanting them not to care. Obviously the characters that they portray are completely different than who they are and their real life relationship, but I think more often than not that distinction gets lost, and I think that's a lot of what causes the scrutiny and obsession with their real life private lives.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to support celebrities, I'm saying that regardless of their career and whether or not it "comes with the territory" - no one has any right to information about someone else's life. And that people need to realize that positive attention doesn't necessarily mean it's any better than negative attention... It may still be none of your business.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I Never Really Cared Until I Met You...
Why is it that people find it necessary to question everything? (That was some kind of weird oxymoron in itself, huh?) But really. Sometimes it's so incredibly difficult to just take something at face value and not think or worry about its outcome. Speaking for myself, I know it's usually out of fear. Fear of being hurt, or let down. Fear of being betrayed. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being used...
In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.
I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).
But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.
I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.
I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)
And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.
In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.
I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).
But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.
I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.
I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)
And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.
Friday, February 18, 2011
With All That I've Done Wrong, I Must've Done Something Right...
What is it that makes people think it's better to just not talk about things? That if you just ignore something or sweep it under the rug it'll just...what? Go away, I guess? Not everything will just magically work itself out. Some things don't just disappear. Sometimes you have to deal with things, even if you don't want to. And sometimes other people deserve that much from you. We can go through our lives focusing completely on ourselves, having people around when we need or want to and then pushing them aside when it's convenient to do so. And we'll either end up with a perfect life, or with everything we ever thought we ever wanted and not a single person who really knows and loves us to be a part of it.
This world is too fucking selfish. People don't care if they hurt other people as long as they get what they want. What ever happened to treat others as you want to be treated? How would you feel if you put yourself in someone else's place? What would you think of you?
I wonder how many tears are cried because of foolish pride. I wonder how many hearts are needlessly broken because of words never spoken. Or because of lies or greed or misunderstandings or fear. Where do people get the idea that they have to "live up to" some specific "standard"? No one should be concerned about working toward anything except for what they want for themselves. Who is anyone else to tell us who or how or why we should be one way or another? Who is anyone else to tell us who to have in our life or not? Who is anyone else to say they are better than we are? Are we not all individuals, completely unique?
Why are people so afraid to tell other people they love them? Lovers, friends, fathers and sons, whoever. Have these people never lost a loved one? Do they not know what it's like to wish you'd told someone something that you'll never again have a chance to? What reason is possibly good enough to risk regret that will never, ever go away? What if somehow like...I don't know. I don't know how to say what I mean...I don't know. Right before my Dad died, I told him I was going to be too busy to talk during the upcoming week because I had an event at work and I was gonna be busy. I talked to him almost every day usually, and he knew I loved him more than anybody else in the world. And yet I still hate myself for saying that to him. And there's not ever going to be anything I can do to change it. But at least he knew how much I loved him. That last week is probably nothing compared to the 22 years of my life that he knew that at least one person in the world adored him unconditionally, and thought that no matter what mistakes he'd made in his life, he was still the best father that anyone could ever hope to have as far as I was concerned. This man who would do anything, for anyone out of the goodness of his heart. Who never had much but gave us everything he could. Who I could tell anything no matter what. Who every year for my birthday wrote me a letter, because no card could properly say how much he loved me and how special I was to him... I refuse to be ashamed of how much I care about people. I'm tired of wishing I could care less because I'm tired of being hurt. Every day my heart breaks a little because I still miss him every single day. I also miss the idea that I knew, without question, that at least one person in my life was completely, 100% open and honest with me about anything and everything. If he thought I was full of shit, he would tell me. When he was depressed and drinking and taking pills, and thought about...ending things...he talked to me. He talked to me and I made him swear he wouldn't leave me. If he hadn't come to me I may have lost him even sooner than I did, and I'd be less of a person for it. I was all he had. I don't want that...I don't want to be anyone's everything. I'm just sick of bullshit. My Dad made a lot of fucking mistakes in his life. A lot, probably even more than I know. But he was a damn good man. He was no-bullshit, he was honest, he was caring, he was real. This would be a better world if more people possessed those qualities. Games and messing with people's heads and taking advantage of people to get ahead in life... They're just not worth it in my opinion, for whatever that means. You can make your own great life without forfeiting morals. And everything is better when you can share your joy, and accomplishments, and whatever, with people who supported and loved you before you thought there was any reason for them to.
I don't know what my point is. This stupid movie just made me think about some random shit. I just don't know why everything has to be about picking and choosing what we say or don't say, and games, and hidden agendas. Why can't people just be honest and up front with each other? Lies and secrets and taking advantage of people... People should just respect each other and do the right thing. Not just the easy thing or the beneficial thing. Throughout our lives we're going to be continually faced with choices and decisions to some degree or another. No one can choose for us or make us choose one thing or another. People need to take responsibility for the things they do and the results that come from it. At what point do we stop looking out for no one but ourselves? When we hurt someone else? When we have to hide certain things from certain people? Omission does not equal truth. Silence does not equal contentment or resolution. Avoidance does not equal disappearance. Pretending or wishing something isn't a certain way does not mean it isn't that way. Lying, and selfishness, and playing games is not friendship. It goes both ways. One day, you're actually going to lose the people you don't treat how you should. Everyone has a breaking point, and a limit to what they're willing to take. I think I'm pretty damn close.
This world is too fucking selfish. People don't care if they hurt other people as long as they get what they want. What ever happened to treat others as you want to be treated? How would you feel if you put yourself in someone else's place? What would you think of you?
I wonder how many tears are cried because of foolish pride. I wonder how many hearts are needlessly broken because of words never spoken. Or because of lies or greed or misunderstandings or fear. Where do people get the idea that they have to "live up to" some specific "standard"? No one should be concerned about working toward anything except for what they want for themselves. Who is anyone else to tell us who or how or why we should be one way or another? Who is anyone else to tell us who to have in our life or not? Who is anyone else to say they are better than we are? Are we not all individuals, completely unique?
Why are people so afraid to tell other people they love them? Lovers, friends, fathers and sons, whoever. Have these people never lost a loved one? Do they not know what it's like to wish you'd told someone something that you'll never again have a chance to? What reason is possibly good enough to risk regret that will never, ever go away? What if somehow like...I don't know. I don't know how to say what I mean...I don't know. Right before my Dad died, I told him I was going to be too busy to talk during the upcoming week because I had an event at work and I was gonna be busy. I talked to him almost every day usually, and he knew I loved him more than anybody else in the world. And yet I still hate myself for saying that to him. And there's not ever going to be anything I can do to change it. But at least he knew how much I loved him. That last week is probably nothing compared to the 22 years of my life that he knew that at least one person in the world adored him unconditionally, and thought that no matter what mistakes he'd made in his life, he was still the best father that anyone could ever hope to have as far as I was concerned. This man who would do anything, for anyone out of the goodness of his heart. Who never had much but gave us everything he could. Who I could tell anything no matter what. Who every year for my birthday wrote me a letter, because no card could properly say how much he loved me and how special I was to him... I refuse to be ashamed of how much I care about people. I'm tired of wishing I could care less because I'm tired of being hurt. Every day my heart breaks a little because I still miss him every single day. I also miss the idea that I knew, without question, that at least one person in my life was completely, 100% open and honest with me about anything and everything. If he thought I was full of shit, he would tell me. When he was depressed and drinking and taking pills, and thought about...ending things...he talked to me. He talked to me and I made him swear he wouldn't leave me. If he hadn't come to me I may have lost him even sooner than I did, and I'd be less of a person for it. I was all he had. I don't want that...I don't want to be anyone's everything. I'm just sick of bullshit. My Dad made a lot of fucking mistakes in his life. A lot, probably even more than I know. But he was a damn good man. He was no-bullshit, he was honest, he was caring, he was real. This would be a better world if more people possessed those qualities. Games and messing with people's heads and taking advantage of people to get ahead in life... They're just not worth it in my opinion, for whatever that means. You can make your own great life without forfeiting morals. And everything is better when you can share your joy, and accomplishments, and whatever, with people who supported and loved you before you thought there was any reason for them to.
I don't know what my point is. This stupid movie just made me think about some random shit. I just don't know why everything has to be about picking and choosing what we say or don't say, and games, and hidden agendas. Why can't people just be honest and up front with each other? Lies and secrets and taking advantage of people... People should just respect each other and do the right thing. Not just the easy thing or the beneficial thing. Throughout our lives we're going to be continually faced with choices and decisions to some degree or another. No one can choose for us or make us choose one thing or another. People need to take responsibility for the things they do and the results that come from it. At what point do we stop looking out for no one but ourselves? When we hurt someone else? When we have to hide certain things from certain people? Omission does not equal truth. Silence does not equal contentment or resolution. Avoidance does not equal disappearance. Pretending or wishing something isn't a certain way does not mean it isn't that way. Lying, and selfishness, and playing games is not friendship. It goes both ways. One day, you're actually going to lose the people you don't treat how you should. Everyone has a breaking point, and a limit to what they're willing to take. I think I'm pretty damn close.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
We All Need The Clowns To Make Us Smile...
Someone should invent a device that when used properly will allow you to discontinue any thought(s) that you have that you don't want to have. Like you could literally control your mind and your thought process. If I don't wanna sit here and think about how hungry I am (or to better put it, how I'm not even hungry I just want to EAT), I could just magically stop. If I don't wanna think about someone, I simply just won't. I'll block them from my brain and never think about them again if I don't want to. I'll stop thinking/worrying about things I have no control over, cuz that's just stupid anyway. I'll stop remembering things that upset me or make me angry. It wouldn't matter if I didn't understand something cuz I could just take the thought and throw it away and it'd be gone and meaningless and whatevs. Ah, that would be the life.
I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?
I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).
Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?
And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.
Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...
It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?
How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.
Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.
The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.
I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?
Yeah. Exactly.
I really just don't get some people. Like I am mentally, physically, whatever unable to grasp the reason(s) behind some things. Why do people with good hearts, likely even good intentions, treat people so badly sometimes? How can they do some really fucked up things to people they care about without seeing any problem? Why don't they put themselves in someone else's place if they think they might be hurting them, and stop? Is it plain selfishness? Stupidity? Or are they really just an asshole who puts on a really fucking great act for the world?
I don't know the answer. I just can't comprehend the idea of doing some of the things I've seen people do (or had done to me). I don't know how someone could do things that are so unbelievably painful to another and have no idea. Or is it that they know, they just don't care? And if they don't care, then everything you think you know about them is a lie. If they do care...what is the excuse? Not that any excuse would justify their actions, but it's not as bad if it's unintentional. It's still fucked up as hell, don't get me wrong, but to intentionally hurt someone and to accidentally hurt someone are not the same (I'm generalizing - sometimes it really just doesn't matter).
Not to mention, if they truly are a good person acting like an asshole, there's gotta be a reason, right? Maybe they're fighting a battle you have no clue about. Maybe they have no choice but to do what they do, or don't process the effects of their actions on others. Again, I'm not saying that anything justifies treating people like shit - it doesn't. I guess you have to figure out which of those people is real - the one you really thought you knew deep down, or the one you see in front of you. (How is it possible that there can be such a difference in the two?) And then you have to decide whether or not to walk away. How can you be sure of who they actually are? How do you know you're making the right decision?
And worse... Even if you decide you want to walk away, how do you make your heart listen to your brain? Even if they really are an asshole, I personally don't know how to just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone I care about or love, even if they don't deserve it anymore (hey, scratch that thought-stopper thingy, let's get working on a feeling-stopper thingy, stat! That'd be amazing to be able to do, eh?) Feelings may fade over time but I personally believe the ones that are real and important to the overall of our lives never really go away completely. We can try to ignore them or pretend they don't exist, but we can't change them or actually make them disappear. Well, I should only speak for myself, maybe some people can do that? Seems to me like life would be a hell of a lot easier all-around though if that was the case.
Sometimes, I think, we lose ourselves in our search for...ourselves, or our goals or our dreams. When that happens, your view of everything is different, and sometimes you hurt people you love. Sometimes, in some ways, you have to be selfish to be able to get back to the person you used to be again. To an extent, I don't think there's any way to "fix" that until you find what you're looking for, inside or out. But in those times I think we also have to remember that we can't expect people to "stick around" while we ignore them or take advantage of them or seemingly blatantly stomp on their hearts and smoosh them into the ground with our shoe just for good measure...
It may be right that a true friend will always be there for you no matter what, but in my opinion that doesn't include being treated badly or lied to or neglected or taken advantage of over and over. Nothing excuses these things. Maybe we'll be lucky enough that the people we love will stick with us until we find our real selves again. I can't say I'd blame them if they didn't, though. How long are you supposed to sit there and get treated like crap by someone you care about, who used to value you (and show that they did), hoping that they find their way back? If you really believe deep down that they are good and they care for you, and you want them in your life. How long?
How much can one person take? How much SHOULD one person take? Would you put up with the way you've treated/are treating someone else? How would you feel about you if you were me (or whoever)? How am I supposed to know which of you is real? How do you find understanding when everything you know compared to everything you see makes no fucking sense? How do you fight for something you want, something that's complicated or inconvenient or just really fucking hard, because it's worth it to you, and then suddenly not care once you've gotten there? If it was that important to you to begin with, it's worth holding onto now. And you know that. Even if you choose to pretend otherwise, you do.
Sometimes I think people say and do things, not so much in malice, but without having someone else's best interests in mind. Some people aren't capable of seeing all sides of something, because they're judgmental or they simply just don't know how to be open to other views (or the possibility that they're wrong). You know what's best for you. You may not always do what you know is best for you, but you do know it. I don't want to miss out on something amazing because I didn't wanna deal with it whenever it came into my life. Hell, I don't wanna deal with ANYTHING right now. There is way too much shit going on in my life to add anything to it. I guess the problem is that I let something that I thought was real, and good, and worth it into my life. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't trying to find it, I didn't want it. It was just the right thing, to be honest it really wasn't even a choice for me... And now it appears to have turned into a source of pain more than anything else. Does that make it any less real or right? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I don't have an answer for that right now.
The point is that just because something is hard or I don't want it to happen doesn't mean it isn't good or right or whatever for my life. The idea of change can be overwhelming and scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happens to us. I definitely believe in fate, and destiny, that everything happens for a reason. But I also think that part of it is up to us. If I'm dying of thirst and a cup of water appears magically in front of me, I still have to decide to drink it (or not). If an adorable little stray puppy walks into my yard, I may not have been expecting or wanting it (and lord knows I don't need another dog - I'm about to have EIGHT *facepalm*), and I definitely don't need the extra responsibility or frustrations of a puppy, maybe in the long run it's a positive addition to my life, and it found me for a reason. Maybe it wandered into my yard because I have no willpower and it just needs a good home, and I was destined to find it and give it that. But I could also (okay, in theory) call Animal Control or take it and drop it off at the pound and hope someone loves it as much as I would have. Things happen for a reason and whatever will be will be *insert every other cliche little sayings like that here* - but it's still up to us whether to acknowledge it, or pretend it doesn't exist.
I've seen this quote lately that says (and I'm paraphrasing), "When you're just about to give up on something, remember why you held on so long to begin with." For me, that works both ways. There's one thing that literally every time I decide to give up, that I can't take the pain anymore (not to say that letting go would rid me of that), that I've had enough and that I was wrong and it's nothing and it's meaningless, something happens to remind me of all the reasons I allowed this thing to enter my life to begin with, and all the reasons I thought that letting go was wrong in the first place. And, if I make the decision to do something even though it's hard, it's because I know it's worth it, I know it's special in my life. That fact doesn't change, whatever the outcome. And in my opinion, I think making decisions while things are really hard show exactly how much it means to us. I want to remember that...I think it's important to. It would be a disservice to myself not to. But, I guess, something, somewhere, at some point has to give. Well, until then......... ?
Yeah. Exactly.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I'll Be Wishing That I Never Said Goodbye, What If...
Today has felt really weird to me for some reason. I can't put my finger on it, I can't place exactly what was making me feel it, but something has just seemed off. Nothing out of the ordinary has really happened so I'm sure it was nothing. It's just weird to have those kinds of nagging thoughts sometimes...
I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.
He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.
I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.
I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.
It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.
I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.
I was talking to someone today and it made me a little frustrated. See, I kind of feel sometimes like all of the answers and solutions are in front of me, and I just can't figure out how the hell to take advantage of them. Do you know how to control your thoughts? If you decide you don't want to think about something, can you keep yourself from doing it? If something happens that you think of in a negative way, are you able to change your perspective to stay positive? I don't know if this is making any sense... What I want to say is like right on the tip of my tongue (or fingers, as the case may be) but I don't know how to say it. Blah I'll just continue... Basically what he was saying was that you have to focus completely on the moment you're in (or, sometimes, things in the future if you have something to look forward to) and otherwise don't allow yourself (your thoughts) to go in the other direction. If there's something you need to make a decision about, do it, make your choice, then leave it. He said that people are so focused on this idea of "being happy" that they have no idea how to live in the moment.
He told a story about a king. The king was so depressed, that he put out a call far and wide that if anyone could end his depression, he'd give them anything they wanted, even his kingdom itself. One subject came to him and gave him a ring. He put the ring on, and asked, "What is this supposed to do?" The man told the king to take off the ring and read what was written inside. It said This too shall pass. The king didn't understand how this would make him happy. The man told him to take the saying and apply it to whatever was happening in his life. But what about the good stuff? Who wants something good to end? The man explained simply that - everything ends. We don't want the good things to end, but they will. The bad things feel like they never will end, but they will. It's important to remember this about both good and bad things; bad things so we remember we'll make it through them and good things because if we can accept and understand that, then we'll still be able to remain happy even when whatever that thing is is no longer, because we knew it couldn't possibly last forever.
I have conflicting feelings about this. It makes sense to me but again, I just don't know how to like "put it into effect" or whatever. And besides that, that when I hit a "low" or whatever, I can tell myself as many times as I want that it'll pass and I won't feel that way forever, but that doesn't make what I feel right then; that horrible, horrible feeling of complete and total hopelessness, sadness, crushing pain... How do you make that go away? It doesn't matter that maybe I won't feel that way tomorrow, or the next day, or two weeks from now. When you're there, in that moment, it doesn't matter if you won't feel that way five minutes from now. There is no way to describe exactly how that feels. What I want is to know how to avoid getting to that point, so that I can still think rationally and have some amount of hope left to be able to pull through. When you hit that low, it's like everything shuts down - except your ability to cry, and hurt. I seriously wish I could describe it. It must seem so completely stupid to someone who has never experienced it. Don't get me wrong, I hate to think that anyone else has ever felt that pain because no one deserves to go through it, but I just feel like people must think it's so stupid if they don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't even know why I try anything anymore at this point.
I think focusing on the present in a general makes complete sense. There is no point in dwelling on the past and to an extent, thinking about the future is pointless. I think it's important to have things to look forward to but at the same time you cannot rush them and you can't force anything to happen, things will happen in their own time in their own way. We have to be able to find the patience to let that happen, and just live in the moment and deal with things as they are happening. There is so little that we really have control over. We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose what to do with the feelings we have. We can't choose how we think, but we can choose how to use (or discard) the thoughts that we have. Maybe I just answered my own questions. Maybe it's just about making those choices and sticking with them. Then again, I don't know if that necessarily changes anything. For example, if someone falls in love with someone else but chooses to ignore how they feel and just think of something else instead or whatever, does it make those feelings go away? Maybe it does. I really don't know. I'm sick of feeling so out of control, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of always worrying about where I stand with people and worrying so much about their feelings and upsetting them instead of what I want and how I feel and what makes me happy. I'm tired of it all.
It's difficult to change when you have always been a certain way, always acted a certain way, always treated people a certain way. Difficult doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes "difficult" means "worth it." I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of being walked over and taken advantage of. I'm tired of people acting one way to my face and another behind my back. I'm tired of assumptions and appearances and judgments and people sticking their noses in other peoples' business. Nobody cares or thinks about how their actions affect other people. Nobody thinks about how they might be hurting someone. To be honest, if making myself number one or whatever means hurting other people, I just don't know what to say about that. I don't ever want to do anything that will hurt someone else. Does that make the option between hurting someone or letting someone hurt me? Cuz that just seems shitty.
I'm cranky and overtired. This is gibberish.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Let The Music Heal Your Soul...
Anyone who knows me at all knows what a huge part music plays in my life and how much it means to me. Every once in a while, I fall in love with music all over again. That's not to say that I ever fell out of love, but just that that excitement, wanting, gotta have more, louder! hits me again, and I simply cannot get enough.
Music is always a constant in my life, but in different ways. Sometimes it's background noise just to avoid silence, sometimes it's for mild entertainment. And sometimes, it's a NEED. I want...need to get lost in it, be surrounded by it, consumed by it, drown in it. One of my favorite things in the world to do is sit in my car, in my driveway or a parking lot or whatever the case may be, and turn the volume up as loud as I can get away with without blowing my speakers, and just sit, surrounded. Or sing along at the top of my lungs (as long as no one else can hear me). I love to sing, it's actually one of my favourite things to do. It can fit every emotion - I can sing when I'm happy, sad, angry. It connects you to something else in that moment. There's always a song that fits, that's exactly the "right" thing for you, right then. In the times that we feel isolated and lost and hopeless, music acts as a reminder that someone, somewhere has felt just as you do, and they lived through it to tell their story (and so will you). Sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone in the world... and in some odd backwards way, someone really knows you, really gets you... Sometimes that could be all you have.
And then there's the excitement of discovering new music. Have you ever thought about like... how MUCH music is out there? How much that will never even reach your ears? It's kind of mind-blowing to me honestly. It's just like an endless plethora of life, love, pain, sorrow, joy, etc. etc. etc., mashed up into melodies for our listening pleasure. I'm reminded of "August Rush" - a movie that EVERY true lover of music should own, without question. Music is always around, no matter where you are, what you're doing or who you're with. It never deserts us, it never fails us. Really, it's one of the only truly reliable things in today's world in my opinion.
Music has literally changed my life - in a lot of different ways, but mostly positive ones. In it's own mysterious ways it's led me to life, laughter, love, healing, strength... and even to myself. What else has that ability, that kind of power? It may sound silly, but I kinda think it holds a lot of life's little answers. After all, there has to be a writer for every song, or it would not exist. They're telling someone's story, maybe one that hasn't even happened yet in reality. Someone is always listening, always looking for THAT song; the one that makes your throat dry, your eyes water, that barrels its way into your heart and suddenly, you feel alive again as if you were not just a moment ago. And when you finally find it, it's like you're just... home.
Music is always a constant in my life, but in different ways. Sometimes it's background noise just to avoid silence, sometimes it's for mild entertainment. And sometimes, it's a NEED. I want...need to get lost in it, be surrounded by it, consumed by it, drown in it. One of my favorite things in the world to do is sit in my car, in my driveway or a parking lot or whatever the case may be, and turn the volume up as loud as I can get away with without blowing my speakers, and just sit, surrounded. Or sing along at the top of my lungs (as long as no one else can hear me). I love to sing, it's actually one of my favourite things to do. It can fit every emotion - I can sing when I'm happy, sad, angry. It connects you to something else in that moment. There's always a song that fits, that's exactly the "right" thing for you, right then. In the times that we feel isolated and lost and hopeless, music acts as a reminder that someone, somewhere has felt just as you do, and they lived through it to tell their story (and so will you). Sometimes it's just nice to know you're not alone in the world... and in some odd backwards way, someone really knows you, really gets you... Sometimes that could be all you have.
And then there's the excitement of discovering new music. Have you ever thought about like... how MUCH music is out there? How much that will never even reach your ears? It's kind of mind-blowing to me honestly. It's just like an endless plethora of life, love, pain, sorrow, joy, etc. etc. etc., mashed up into melodies for our listening pleasure. I'm reminded of "August Rush" - a movie that EVERY true lover of music should own, without question. Music is always around, no matter where you are, what you're doing or who you're with. It never deserts us, it never fails us. Really, it's one of the only truly reliable things in today's world in my opinion.
Music has literally changed my life - in a lot of different ways, but mostly positive ones. In it's own mysterious ways it's led me to life, laughter, love, healing, strength... and even to myself. What else has that ability, that kind of power? It may sound silly, but I kinda think it holds a lot of life's little answers. After all, there has to be a writer for every song, or it would not exist. They're telling someone's story, maybe one that hasn't even happened yet in reality. Someone is always listening, always looking for THAT song; the one that makes your throat dry, your eyes water, that barrels its way into your heart and suddenly, you feel alive again as if you were not just a moment ago. And when you finally find it, it's like you're just... home.
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