Ya know what I find kind of annoying sometimes? "Making conversation." Why are people so uncomfortable with silence? Why do some feel the need to constantly speak? Especially if they are literally only yapping for the hell of it because no one else was? What is the point?
I personally really can't take overall silence in a room, but it's not because I feel awkward in it. For me, I need background noise - music, usually. Sometimes TV, sometimes just the rain. Just something in the background that I can listen to or tune out as I please. I don't see that simply being in the same room as another human being creates the necessity of deep (or meaningless, as the case may be) conversation. Sometimes it's just nice to sit down and zone out off into our own little worlds, whether it be to think, create, answer, find - or just to NOT think at all and let our bodies relax completely for a bit. Everyone needs a little bit of quiet time at some point or another, and there's not always a place where it's possible to totally get away from other people. Conversation just for the sake of conversation just frustrates me sometimes.
I love being comfortable enough with people that we can sit in silence and be totally relaxed. I love being able to cuddle and just listen to someone's breathing or heartbeat. I love how much eyes can say. I love what you can convey with a simple touch, making words even less necessary. Comfort together even in silence, is contentment.
Xx
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
There's More To Me Than You...
Today, I am proud. Of myself. Say whaaaaaat?
Not to sound in any way conceited or anything like that, but I consider myself to be a very kind, loving, caring person. I would do anything I could for anyone I care about. I rely on my feelings, not so much on my head sometimes (alright, most of the time). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I trust the people I call friends completely and without question. I love with my whole heart. I consider these things to be good things, good qualities. Some people may see them as weaknesses, or that they make me vulnerable. I have been hurt plenty of times by people who I thought loved me. Lied to by people that I thought respected and cared deeply for me. I try to learn from the experiences when this has happened and not make the same mistakes again. I personally think it's a good thing to keep your heart open; if you didn't, sure, you'd keep the bad ones out, but you'd also miss out on all the good ones...
Anyway, what I'm getting at if I could stop being so long-winded for like three seconds, is that although I see these as positive things about me, I do realize that in the past I have allowed people to use these things to their advantage. To control me, or make me feel bad, or guilty. And today someone tried to do that. Someone that, in the past, has always been able to do that. For a very long time, I didn't see that it was happening. I didn't realize how much I tore myself up because of something someone else twisted and took advantage of. I let them do that - no one can force us to do anything. But I didn't realize what I allowed. And now that I have... Well, I took my control back. I didn't let that person upset me. I didn't let them make me feel guilty. I didn't let them tear me down by twisting the truth. I didn't let them accuse me of anything. I didn't let them blame me for things that were not my fault. I didn't give them the satisfaction of thinking they could still have any control over me. Because they don't.
I still have a long, long way to go... But this is a huge step for me. I have to stop letting the words and actions of others affect me, at least to the extent they do. The only one with any control over my happiness should be me. I am definitely not there yet... There are certain recent situations that...quite frankly, have broken my heart just a bit. Some people have hurt me, more deeply than I even realized possible. Because they snuck into my heart in a way that nobody ever has before. And then...well, it is what it is. Sometimes, it isn't even what you do, so much as how you do it.
In some ways I guess I am very naive. I want to believe the best in people and I believe in listening to the heart and the tingles and the butterflies that we sometimes are lucky enough to experience in life. I want to believe in destiny, fate, true love, "forever" and everything else that may actually only exist in a Disney movie. If those things are real, and attainable, then they can only improve our lives. They can only make us happier. I may be naive. But I haven't decided yet if that means I'm also wrong. My head and my heart are on completely opposite teams at this point in time. I hope to God that I am not wrong in where I have placed my trust and friendship. I hope someone wouldn't be so hurtful and disrespectful to me. In some ways I'm still very, very lost and confused and I don't know what to think. Unfortunately, I suppose the only thing that will really give me the answers I need, is time. I don't know how long it'll take; I wish I did. I am just trying to find patience, and have faith in myself.
I realized something today that I guess I found sort of surprising. There's something that I "had" that was essentially "taken" from me recently... And lately I've felt like there is nothing in the world that I want more than that right now. To have that back again. Like I physically crave it. In some ways I feel as if I've been left very empty and alone, and I'm sure that's why it hurts so bad. But today I was basically offered it from someone... And not only did I not want it, I didn't even consider it. It just kind of gave me some perspective. I do still want this thing back. More than I can even figure out how to say. But it's not the most important thing in the world right now, even if it might feel like it. Even if it feels like my heart physically hurts... If it was, I would take it from wherever I could get it regardless of who it was or if I actually cared about them at all. I know that's not who I am anyway. But if it was THE most important thing, if I NEEDED it, I would accept it regardless of any other part of it. I have no idea what my point is or if this makes sense outside my brain or not... It was just something I thought about.
Onward and upward... Xx
Not to sound in any way conceited or anything like that, but I consider myself to be a very kind, loving, caring person. I would do anything I could for anyone I care about. I rely on my feelings, not so much on my head sometimes (alright, most of the time). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I trust the people I call friends completely and without question. I love with my whole heart. I consider these things to be good things, good qualities. Some people may see them as weaknesses, or that they make me vulnerable. I have been hurt plenty of times by people who I thought loved me. Lied to by people that I thought respected and cared deeply for me. I try to learn from the experiences when this has happened and not make the same mistakes again. I personally think it's a good thing to keep your heart open; if you didn't, sure, you'd keep the bad ones out, but you'd also miss out on all the good ones...
Anyway, what I'm getting at if I could stop being so long-winded for like three seconds, is that although I see these as positive things about me, I do realize that in the past I have allowed people to use these things to their advantage. To control me, or make me feel bad, or guilty. And today someone tried to do that. Someone that, in the past, has always been able to do that. For a very long time, I didn't see that it was happening. I didn't realize how much I tore myself up because of something someone else twisted and took advantage of. I let them do that - no one can force us to do anything. But I didn't realize what I allowed. And now that I have... Well, I took my control back. I didn't let that person upset me. I didn't let them make me feel guilty. I didn't let them tear me down by twisting the truth. I didn't let them accuse me of anything. I didn't let them blame me for things that were not my fault. I didn't give them the satisfaction of thinking they could still have any control over me. Because they don't.
I still have a long, long way to go... But this is a huge step for me. I have to stop letting the words and actions of others affect me, at least to the extent they do. The only one with any control over my happiness should be me. I am definitely not there yet... There are certain recent situations that...quite frankly, have broken my heart just a bit. Some people have hurt me, more deeply than I even realized possible. Because they snuck into my heart in a way that nobody ever has before. And then...well, it is what it is. Sometimes, it isn't even what you do, so much as how you do it.
In some ways I guess I am very naive. I want to believe the best in people and I believe in listening to the heart and the tingles and the butterflies that we sometimes are lucky enough to experience in life. I want to believe in destiny, fate, true love, "forever" and everything else that may actually only exist in a Disney movie. If those things are real, and attainable, then they can only improve our lives. They can only make us happier. I may be naive. But I haven't decided yet if that means I'm also wrong. My head and my heart are on completely opposite teams at this point in time. I hope to God that I am not wrong in where I have placed my trust and friendship. I hope someone wouldn't be so hurtful and disrespectful to me. In some ways I'm still very, very lost and confused and I don't know what to think. Unfortunately, I suppose the only thing that will really give me the answers I need, is time. I don't know how long it'll take; I wish I did. I am just trying to find patience, and have faith in myself.
I realized something today that I guess I found sort of surprising. There's something that I "had" that was essentially "taken" from me recently... And lately I've felt like there is nothing in the world that I want more than that right now. To have that back again. Like I physically crave it. In some ways I feel as if I've been left very empty and alone, and I'm sure that's why it hurts so bad. But today I was basically offered it from someone... And not only did I not want it, I didn't even consider it. It just kind of gave me some perspective. I do still want this thing back. More than I can even figure out how to say. But it's not the most important thing in the world right now, even if it might feel like it. Even if it feels like my heart physically hurts... If it was, I would take it from wherever I could get it regardless of who it was or if I actually cared about them at all. I know that's not who I am anyway. But if it was THE most important thing, if I NEEDED it, I would accept it regardless of any other part of it. I have no idea what my point is or if this makes sense outside my brain or not... It was just something I thought about.
Onward and upward... Xx
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea...
Cannot sleeeeeep. My brain is just going going. Maybe if I occupy myself for a bit/write something down (or in this case, type it into the notepad on my iPhone - oh, technology) it'll relax me a bit. This will probably end up random mumbling soooo yeah.
I was just thinking about people. How we (and by "we" I just mean people as a general unit) are so quick to judge by a glance or without full information. Everyone in today's world always seems in a hurry to get somewhere or do something or be something. I drive as fast as I can get away with and I'm literally unable to be late - forget late, I'm everywhere 15 minutes early. When I get voicemails at work, I just want them to give me the information I need and hang up, I don't need a life story. This is more just impatience actually than anything else so I'm getting off my topic here so I'm gonna move on...
What I was thinking about is: Does someone have a right to make a judgment and/or share an opinion about something when they don't have all the facts? Well, I guess yes - freedom of speech says they can say whatever they want. I guess more, is it right of them to do so? What would give any of us the "right" to pass judgment on a situation of which we don't have all of the information, or maybe no details at all? To assume something is one way because of how it appears to us individually? What if someone's happiness is on the line, and you mess it up for them somehow by saying something of which you know nothing about? By causing doubt or conflict or confusion or whatever the case may be. Especially if you are in any sort of position of "power" ... To take somewhat advantage of that to use it to guilt or even control someone, is wrong. Especially when you're talking of something that doesn't involve you and you know nothing about. Even if your intentions are good and you truly care about the person to whom you're giving "advice" or "opinions" to, are you really being fair to them by sharing your thoughts without knowing the whole story? True that it would be their responsibility to correct any inaccuracies or fill in any gaps as the case may be, but maybe they can't or aren't ready to or whatever. My point is that when it's a situation that doesn't directly involve you, you shouldn't involve yourself unless asked, and especially if you don't have all the information. And if you are asked it's likely because you're trusted, and you should acknowledge that trust by letting someone know if you don't know something or are unclear before offering any opinions. I'm not by ANY means saying anyone doesn't have a right to think ANYTHING they want to, they obviously absolutely do. I think that sometimes people need to be more aware of things they say to others and realize the effects that giving advice or whatever on misinformation or without all of the details can be more hurtful than helpful. If a doctor prescribes you medication, but doesn't tell you what dosage to take, does that help you? Possibly. It could also land you in the hospital, or worse.
It's true that ultimate decisions lie only on those who are directly involved in whatever situation. But as human beings I think that even if we don't necessarily do whatever someone tells us to do, other peoples' opinions do get taken into account even if they aren't actually involved (and sometimes I think even subconsciously). We all (to some extent) want approval and acceptance and positive attention/acknowledgment. We all want to be successful and happy in life. We all deal with insecurity or uncertainty about decisions that affect our overall life at some point or another. I fully believe that it's important to listen to and consider input from the people in our lives that we trust the most. But if we are concerned with what they think or suggest, it would seem to me that it'd be important they know all of the details of a situation before we take what they say into account. NOT because they are unimportant or incompetent or something; simply because they just don't know everything about it and therefore can't possibly give a fully fair, unbiased opinion. Not to say they'd definitely do that even if they did, but hopefully what I'm trying to say is getting there somehow.
I guess I just feel like people need to stop assuming things so much and judging others so quickly (and sometimes harshly). I think we also need to be more open to the fact that first impressions can be wrong (in both good and bad ways). And judging someone solely by how they look or dress or even one meeting with them or whatever is completely stupid. Everyone has layers. Everyone has good and bad qualities, good and bad days. You never know exactly what someone else is going through at any time. There is more to everything than meets the eye.
I have no idea if this made any sense. It's 2:30am. Going to go watch The Nanny and hope to fall asleep.
Xx
I was just thinking about people. How we (and by "we" I just mean people as a general unit) are so quick to judge by a glance or without full information. Everyone in today's world always seems in a hurry to get somewhere or do something or be something. I drive as fast as I can get away with and I'm literally unable to be late - forget late, I'm everywhere 15 minutes early. When I get voicemails at work, I just want them to give me the information I need and hang up, I don't need a life story. This is more just impatience actually than anything else so I'm getting off my topic here so I'm gonna move on...
What I was thinking about is: Does someone have a right to make a judgment and/or share an opinion about something when they don't have all the facts? Well, I guess yes - freedom of speech says they can say whatever they want. I guess more, is it right of them to do so? What would give any of us the "right" to pass judgment on a situation of which we don't have all of the information, or maybe no details at all? To assume something is one way because of how it appears to us individually? What if someone's happiness is on the line, and you mess it up for them somehow by saying something of which you know nothing about? By causing doubt or conflict or confusion or whatever the case may be. Especially if you are in any sort of position of "power" ... To take somewhat advantage of that to use it to guilt or even control someone, is wrong. Especially when you're talking of something that doesn't involve you and you know nothing about. Even if your intentions are good and you truly care about the person to whom you're giving "advice" or "opinions" to, are you really being fair to them by sharing your thoughts without knowing the whole story? True that it would be their responsibility to correct any inaccuracies or fill in any gaps as the case may be, but maybe they can't or aren't ready to or whatever. My point is that when it's a situation that doesn't directly involve you, you shouldn't involve yourself unless asked, and especially if you don't have all the information. And if you are asked it's likely because you're trusted, and you should acknowledge that trust by letting someone know if you don't know something or are unclear before offering any opinions. I'm not by ANY means saying anyone doesn't have a right to think ANYTHING they want to, they obviously absolutely do. I think that sometimes people need to be more aware of things they say to others and realize the effects that giving advice or whatever on misinformation or without all of the details can be more hurtful than helpful. If a doctor prescribes you medication, but doesn't tell you what dosage to take, does that help you? Possibly. It could also land you in the hospital, or worse.
It's true that ultimate decisions lie only on those who are directly involved in whatever situation. But as human beings I think that even if we don't necessarily do whatever someone tells us to do, other peoples' opinions do get taken into account even if they aren't actually involved (and sometimes I think even subconsciously). We all (to some extent) want approval and acceptance and positive attention/acknowledgment. We all want to be successful and happy in life. We all deal with insecurity or uncertainty about decisions that affect our overall life at some point or another. I fully believe that it's important to listen to and consider input from the people in our lives that we trust the most. But if we are concerned with what they think or suggest, it would seem to me that it'd be important they know all of the details of a situation before we take what they say into account. NOT because they are unimportant or incompetent or something; simply because they just don't know everything about it and therefore can't possibly give a fully fair, unbiased opinion. Not to say they'd definitely do that even if they did, but hopefully what I'm trying to say is getting there somehow.
I guess I just feel like people need to stop assuming things so much and judging others so quickly (and sometimes harshly). I think we also need to be more open to the fact that first impressions can be wrong (in both good and bad ways). And judging someone solely by how they look or dress or even one meeting with them or whatever is completely stupid. Everyone has layers. Everyone has good and bad qualities, good and bad days. You never know exactly what someone else is going through at any time. There is more to everything than meets the eye.
I have no idea if this made any sense. It's 2:30am. Going to go watch The Nanny and hope to fall asleep.
Xx
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Through These Eyes, I've Seen A Thousand Lies...
I recalled a memory today of something I'd forgotten about completely. It reminded me that if someone truly loves you, they'll always want the best for you. Even if it isn't the optimal "outcome" for them. Your happiness will matter to them. Your well-being will matter to them. Even if it's not what they want...
I don't regret any of the decisions I've made recently, at all. But, remembering this just kind of reaffirmed to myself that I've made the right decision. Thought I'd share for some reason.
PS, my blog post from 8/30/10 is all kinds of hi-laaaaaaaarious now. Considering who I was jealous of, and what I was concerned about happening. Funny how things you never think could happen do, and how things work out... #justsayin'
Xx
I don't regret any of the decisions I've made recently, at all. But, remembering this just kind of reaffirmed to myself that I've made the right decision. Thought I'd share for some reason.
PS, my blog post from 8/30/10 is all kinds of hi-laaaaaaaarious now. Considering who I was jealous of, and what I was concerned about happening. Funny how things you never think could happen do, and how things work out... #justsayin'
Xx
Friday, January 7, 2011
Nothing's Alright, Nothing Is Fine ... I Can't Go On Living This Way
"In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come -- not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.” ~ William Styron
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