And Then No Need To Endure Anymore, Time Dies...

I sit and listen to a man talk and laugh with co-workers. A man who lost his beloved wife suddenly two weeks ago. And here I sit, wishing I didn't have to live anymore. And I feel worse because not only do I no longer value life, but I am so depressed and so sad that I can barely stand it. Yet this man who has just suffered this great loss is okay, he's making it, he's getting through the day. And I want to give up and die. I've not recently experienced a loss such as his, but I cannot figure out how to overcome things. How to face losing everything and everyone. How to find happiness again.

And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.

I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.

I just want it all to stop.

I am a horrible human being.

Already Gone.

Forget what I said. I give up. I'm done trying. Done.

I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...

It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...

There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.

With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.

So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -

Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.

Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.

Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.

I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.

I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.

I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3

All my love,

Lo

Sometimes all you want is for someone to be there when you need it the most. To figure out how to solve the problem.

I wish I could end it all.

Stuck...

I dislike games. I think everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't like having to "control" what I do or don't do because of other people. I don't like that certain things in my life are being controlled by outside influences, when they shouldn't be. I wish I could change things. Or just stop caring.

I hate this.

I'm finding it increasingly irritating that so many of life's choices, no matter how appropriate or even right they might be at the time they're made, end up just fucking us over in the end. It just doesn't seem like it should work that way. It's like lose-lose. Even if you make the right choices for the time, it doesn't always mean that things will end up right.

And I think that sucks.

Skies Are Crying, I Am Watching...

Last night I dreamt that you'd died. And the sad part is, I was actually jealous.

Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.

I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.

People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?

Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?

Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.

No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.

What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.

You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.

People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.

So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.

I'm sorry.

Dear Everyone.

It's always more to me. Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

Not that I can blame them. I can't. That doesn't make it not hurt. It doesn't change the way I feel for them. But it's always more to me.

Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

My heart aches. My heart breaks. Over and over again, the pain in my chest crushes me. When will I stop missing you? Her? Him? I won't. Even though you already have. Because its always more to me.

You fell into my life as if you were supposed to have always been there. And I was stupid enough to believe it. You said you wanted to make everything okay. And when you could, you chose not to. You turned away. And you lied. You lied.

What couldn't be ignored before is easy now. For you. I pretend not to see. As if I am a fool. For fear of losing. Losing you. Losing them. Losing everything. I have nothing left, anymore. And still I continue to lose. It has destroyed me. Because its always more to me.

Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

You said you'd always be there.
You're not.

Trust me when I say you do not want to hear all the things I really have to say.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met you.

You Can Call Me Unperfect, But Who's Perfect?

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that some things have nothing to do with you, aren't personal or to not be selfish. Or even if you remember those things, to believe is something entirely different. Hearts aren't logical, how can one make them so? Or are you supposed to just figure out how to ignore them? That's the only thing I can think of. You can't change how you feel about something, so the only other option is to pretend it doesn't exist.

I guess I'm not so good at that. (Clearly.)

Sometimes things that "aren't supposed" to make you sad, still make you sad.

And I'm sad.

I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...

Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.

So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.

I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.

What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.

I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.

I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.

The Truth Is All That I Can Hear Everytime You Lie...

"Goodbye" is the word swimming around in my head, but my lips don't want to speak it. Life isn't easy, nor is it supposed to be, but why must everything be so difficult? Why does it seem like the things you should do are always the absolute hardest?

Why can't people act the way they should, and do the things they should, and things happen as they should? What proof is there that everything that is "right" works out in the end? Who's to say the things that go wrong weren't actually supposed to? What if people just fuck shit up with stupid decisions or actions? I guess there's no way to change that. But it sure fucking sucks.

I'm sad. I don't want to. But I think I have to. Because life is stupid. And good people get fucked, while others don't care, or take them for granted.

And that's the way it goes...

Whyawannabringmedown?

You'll think what you want
Say what you will
It doesn't mean you know anything
What is is not always what it seems

It's not your place
The choice isn't yours
Don't do me any "favors"
You don't know what I need

It doesn't help
You do me a disservice
It's not a game for you to play
Shut up and go away

My life is only mine
It doesn't matter what you believe
You don't know a thing
And only I speak for me.

They Won't Say Which Way To Go, Just Trust Your Heart...

It's interesting to consider doing something that's out of character for yourself. But maybe that's what I need to make any actual changes happen.

But is it really something you should do? Or if you do that, are you being untrue to yourself? Or being fake?

Are you losing you? Or trying to be someone you're not?

Does it actually even matter in ANY way?

Hmmmm.

This Was The Very First Page, Not Where The Storyline Ends...

People always say to "take it one day at a time" or some other general cliche. I was watching a movie the other day and a quote one of the characters said made me think. He said, "When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning."

I was thinking about how sometimes things happen that just feel like...like it's just the end of everything, like you've finally reached your breaking point, like you've really had all you can take. And then most of the time, when you look back on it a month, a week, maybe even a few days later, in many cases it's not even hardly as big of a deal as it seemed at the time, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Or you get upset because something you wanted to happen didn't, but then it turns out that you're really glad it didn't. Sometimes it's easier to look at the overall outcome rather than take it day to day, because when you look back on it as a whole, it's not nearly as intense.

It just makes me think more about fate and things being predetermined. If we knew for a fact that something would or wouldn't happen regardless of the actions we did (or did not) take, would we still try for things? And if not, would no one trying for anything then change what everything is predetermined to be? Is it possible that what we do actually has no bearing on the outcome, because it's already set? Do we actually spend time trying for things that will never happen, or does everything in some way shape everything else?

I feel like maybe fate takes us to a certain point. From there, we decide where we go, what choices we make. It'd be much more comforting if we could be sure that the "ending" would be one specific way or another. We'd know that it would either be what we wanted or not, and if it wasn't then we wouldn't waste our time trying to make it happen. To have that certainty, in my opinion, would be a huge comfort. I think I would probably put more effort into things knowing that it was for good reason, and not that I was just going to work myself to the bone for nothing. Yeah... I would take knowing for sure any day, for probably any situation (nothing comes straight to mind that I wouldn't want to know). I think if we all knew that what we were working toward was "worthwhile" that people would work twice as hard. Then again that goes back to, would people stop trying if they didn't "have" to? Two very different perspectives and kinds of people...

This was pointless, but for some reason I felt like writing. My head is just non-stop lately.

Weird.

You Were The Song All Along...

I know most people say that perfection is impossible. I think in some cases that's true... I mean, as people I don't think we can be perfect, even if only for the fact that everyone has a different definition of what "perfect" would be to them.

I do believe that people can be perfect for eachother. I think the entire point of relationships (friendship, love, otherwise) is about finding people that you mesh with, people that almost complete you in some way, and you them. In some ways you're weak and they're strong, and vice versa. Don't they say that love is really seeing an imperfect person perfectly? I think it's about how you compliment eachother. Neither is perfect on their own, but together they are perfect - for eachother, for their lives, for their futures.

And this is why I shouldn't blog after taking sleepy meds.

Night night. X

Let The Weak Be Strong, Let The Right Be Wrong...

Some things in life are really sad. The last week has been kind of crazy. I've had to watch a father and husband, who doesn't know how to act like an adult and/or control his temper, lose everything in a matter of 12 hours. Because he doesn't understand that you cannot handle situations with violence, especially not with a woman (especially not a woman who is your wife) and especially not with your child. The sad part is that he's a good dad, and I know he loves his child. I even believe he loves his wife, although he obviously doesn't know the appropriate way to treat her. And now because of some incredibly stupid, inexcusable actions on his part, he's lost his family, his home and is likely going to spend some time in jail to boot.

It saddens me that this kind of shit exists in the world. I guess you always hear about "domestic violence" and horrible crimes that people commit, but I have never really seen it first-hand. I guess in some ways I'm still naive to the world. On the "up side" I guess, for lack of a better term, I also saw a really strong woman finally make a decision I think she'd been scared to make before. She finally did what she knew she needed to for HER. I hate to see anyone have to go through something like this, but I'm happy for the fact that even though it's hard now, she is going to be so much better off, and so much happier in the long run.

Situations like this I would think would really put my life and my problems into perspective. And it really does... But it also makes me feel like a really shitty person, and maybe I am. When I talked to one of my best friends about this earlier, she said, "You have your reasons. It doesn't make your reasons less valid but things could be far worse, that's true." What I am going through may not compare even slightly to what I've witnessed other people fight through and overcome, but I guess in my "world" what I'm going through is my "big fight." And the sad part is that I haven't even been able to overcome it and be strong enough. I guess we all have it in us to make it through anything, we just have to finally figure out how.

Some people that tell you they'll always be there just aren't. You shouldn't "have" to rely on people, but I don't think it's wrong to put your faith in them when they tell you you can, when they tell you they want you to. When they tell you they care and if nothing else are there to listen. What I think some don't realize is that, it's not even necessarily that you want to talk about everything, or that you have "drama" or that you want them to give you advice... Sometimes you just want to know that you aren't alone. Sometimes you want to be reminded that someone has your back no matter what. Sometimes you want to know someone still believes in you, even when you no longer believe in yourself. Sometimes you just want to know your friends still love you despite yourself and stupid things you may say or do.

Sometimes...you just want things to be how they were.

Although I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated with myself and have struggled more this week than in a long time, I feel awed and inspired by not only the strength I've seen in the last 24 hours from someone younger and stronger than me, but by the positivity and drive and confidence that some people display and hold onto regardless of what life throws at them. By people who don't allow "bad" things in life to get to them because they are able to focus on all of the good in their world around them and remember the important things in life, despite anything else. People who always let the ones they love know that they love them, because their selves and their lives are influenced just as much by these people as ours are by them. People who always take care of themselves and are also always there for the people they love regardless of what's going on in their own busy lives.

It's those people that give me hope when I feel that I've all but lost it. It's those people that remind me I'll always make it through anything, even if it might not feel like it. And they remind me that sometime, some day, it will get better. It has to.

I'm so blessed with the people in my life. Thank you, all, for all that you are. And for seeing me even when I've lost myself.

Xx

Call Me Up If You Want Gangsta...

I absolutely loathe the entire concept of dating. I hate it. I don't wanna do it. It's fake and phony and awkward. Add onto that the fact that I'm ridiculously shy when I don't know people and it's just a mess from the get-go. I don't want to "schedule" dates with random guys I barely know... I don't like to be put on the spot, I get nervous in situations like that. I just do not like it. I thought I could do it and have fun with it, but I don't think I can. It's just too fake and too weird.

I don't want to try to "plan" to meet someone. I want to meet someone and be friends for a while and feelings just develop from that friendship or something. You get together because you have a connection already and because it feels right and whatever, not because someone set you up with someone they work with or know from high school or you met some random on a dating site and you're purposely putting yourself in an awkward situation going to meet someone you've talked to via email who may or may not (probably not) have even been telling the truth or anything even real about themselves. I want to meet someone because they come into my life in some "unplanned" random way, not because I seek out a male non-smoker from the ages of 30-35 that likes long walks on the beach and action movies. I don't wanna deal with the games that are involved with dating. I don't want to get half the information up front and the other surprises later. I don't want to feel like I'm on a job interview. I'm awkward enough in regular life situations and am only made worse if I feel I have to "make" someone like me. I don't think I can handle rejection right now. And I don't want to hurt someone else either if I don't feel anything. It's just AWKWARD.

It's just complicated and weird and intimidating and I don't like it. I want it to be natural, easy, straightforward. The kind of thing where someone has already seen all of your sides, faults and all, and still wants to be your friend and a part of your life. I don't need a man to make me happy but it would be a nice little ray of sunshine in my life right now, not to mention a distraction. And I do feel that even if I don't need to date someone, I do need to meet people. I do need to get out of the house and do something. Not that I'm any less awkward around a bunch of strangers in a club or bar trying to grind on every girl they see than on a date, but still. At least it's less pressure.

I'm frustrated. Irked. Bit discouraged... I guess I just want the easy way. I feel like love should be easy, though. All kinds of love, not just in relationships or whatever. Connecting to people should just happen, not be forced. And I do believe people are in your path for a reason. I guess I'm not crazy about the idea of searching. I know I've got to force myself to get out and about even if I don't necessarily want to, but when I'm so uncomfortable I can't even relax it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going out and letting loose, ya know? I'm probably just not used to it. After all, I've been in one relationship for 6 years, so it's been a while. And even before that I don't think I ever truly "dated" ... It was always just more people I already knew so the awkwardness didn't exist. I guess the first step is meeting new people in general. I just need to figure out what "way" works best for me...

Bah. I could always just go to the clubs in like full-out Star Wars costumes. Princess Leia with the hair buns, eh? I'd certainly weed out the damn Trekkies.... ;)

Xx

Since A Twist of Fate When It All Broke Down...

Frustration. So much freaking frustration. I can't even begin to understand why some things are the way that they are, and that makes me angry. I understand that we're not always supposed to know why certain things happen but I've been struggling a damn long time and I'm ready for some answers. I'm ready for understanding. I'm ready for things to be right again.

I feel as though I have absolutely no control over some things or situations. I literally feel stuck. I feel like if I say something, it will go bad. And if I don't say something, it may or may not already be bad and I'll continue hurting because whatever and however it is is hurtful to me. It's not drama, it's not bullshit. It's sincerely being hurt, and not for anything but it's understandable, too. You can think that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or something out of nothing, but you know that's really not true.

All of the details of things aren't what matters. That's where bullshit comes from. Strip it bare and look at what's left, and you'll see it's simply just a girl who is really hurting. For many reasons, from changes to self-confidence to fear, etc. There is so much that I want to say, and I can't because I'm afraid that that will cause me to lose people. And I don't want that. I'm afraid that I can't express myself correctly and it will sound like nothing but trying to be dramatic or turning a situation into something it's not, which is what's happened before. And that's just not what it is. I just want to let someone know I'm hurt by some things they've said or done...and everything's just so fucked up I can't without worrying about losing the friendship because it gets turned around on me or they act like I'm making up things in my head. It's not about anything or anyone else. It doesn't have to be so complicated. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. How shitty to not even be sure someone cares enough about you that if you went to them they'd listen and understand and not just blow you off. I just don't know anymore.

I know this just sounds like more and more bitching. It's the only outlet I have and it's mainly just general babble anyway, so who even cares anymore? I just feel stuck. Stuck and scared. And I wish I just didn't even care anymore. Maybe that'd make two of us.

Trusting Desire, Starting To Learn, Walking Through Fire Without A Burn...

Things are calm. Serene. I'm finding myself a little on the lonely side today for some reason, but I'm also thankful for the alone time. Too often when I'm by myself or my brain isn't occupied I think too much (about anything) or stress myself out. I didn't sleep at all last night, then got a nap in earlier, so I'm still a bit overtired. But weirdly I just feel...calm. It's odd. Not really a "contentment" (I wish) just kind of a lull sorta. My brain is fairly quiet and that never, EVER happens to me.

I have absolutely no idea why I felt like sharing this. I guess I just have the urge to write but there's nothing really on my mind. I wonder why that happens... Especially when writing is used almost exclusively to vent or deal with certain circumstances that arise. Brains are weird. Sometimes I wish they were more logical, like a math problem with one way to work it, one solution. If they were, maybe people wouldn't get hurt so often.

Or maybe it's not that our brains aren't logical, so much as that our hearts just work differently and for whatever reason hearts are easier to follow. Or maybe that's only if you value instinct, or your gut, or your feelings above all.

When you look at it from an outside perspective it seems kind of stupid to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) logical and listen to things that (can't think of the word I want)...don't have any factual basis? Then again, I guess the logical answer isn't always necessarily the correct or true answer. Plus, our heads can mislead us... Overthinking can drive you crazy, can invent situations that don't even exist, or twist ones that do.

So maybe in that way, our hearts are actually the "smarter" of the two. You can control thoughts, but you can't control feelings or instincts... Does that mean that feelings and instincts are always "right"? That we should always follow them? I guess if it was that cut and dry, things would be much simpler, wouldn't they?

I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol. Oh, the ponderings of a sleep-deprived mind. I wonder if the head and the heart are ever really on the same side. Or maybe it's that when they are, that's when you know absolutely that you're making the right decisions. The parts that are decisions, anyway...

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss...

Sometimes I think I finally believe that I am worth it. Worth love, worth time, worth friendship. I believe that I'm a good person, that I work hard, that I care endlessly for the ones I love, that in some small way I make the world just a little bit of a better place.

And then something stupid from someone ELSE can make me doubt that so easily. Someone acts weird toward me, and it's suddenly, "What have I done?" Even when I KNOW I haven't done anything. And I shouldn't even care then. Because if people don't care enough to even take the time to talk to me if something is going on, then they are not worth my time anyway, not really. Friends don't act that way, adults don't act that way. If people are so easy to care so very much for me, and then just walk away like it's nothing, that's their problem, not mine (I guess)... I am the one that hurts. So much. Because I can't figure out why they loved me so easily, and then just dropped me like it's nothing. Why they chose to lie, especially when it wasn't even anywhere close to necessary, because it isn't the lie so much that hurts, as much as that you don't even mean enough to them to be told the truth. You are that meaningless and unimportant. Because I love others easily, too, so much so that my friends are more like family that I have hand-picked to be a part of my life.

Why am I so easy to forget about? Why do people stop caring? Probably because of bullshit like this. I'm not trying to be self-pitying or make others feel sorry for me. I know that I don't handle things as well as I should. I'm just thinking outloud more than anything. Nothing is accomplished inside my head so..this is the only outlet I've got right now.

I may not always be right, but my intentions are always good. I'd never deliberately hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm very, very sorry if I have done so without meaning to.

He Said, She Said...

I'm really, really sick of constantly worrying that I've done something wrong. Because so many people don't know how to just talk to someone if they have a problem anymore. I'm sick of worrying about what I say or how I say it. Perhaps it's nothing more than my own insecurities a lot of times, but frankly I'm tired of having to defend myself because of things other people do or say. I'm tired of being made out to be stupid or a fool by people that are supposed to be my friends, or because there's something I don't know about because it was purposely kept from me. People don't seem to realize that I don't care... I'm actually a pretty easy-going person as long as there's no drama or bullshit. I love my friends, I love people, I love to travel, I love the music, I love new opportunities, and more than almost anything I love to laugh and enjoy. I love it all. I don't understand the act of being fakely nice to someone, I don't understand the need for anyone to act like they're above or better than someone else. My only concern is to live my life, value happiness and love, and live in a way that I can be proud to be who I am.

One day I'm going to get up the nerve to walk away from some people, regardless of how much I care for them, because I know what I deserve, and it's more than this. You can try to turn it on me and say that I'm stupid or crazy, but the reality is that things are the way they are NOT because of me or things that I have done, but because of dishonesty, talking about others behind their backs, and not being up front about or hiding things. Not saying at all that I'm perfect, but I'm always open and honest with others. When you strip it down and it's just me, and not anyone else, it all goes away. Everything gets made out to be more than it is. Everything that someone else says I think or feel, everything that someone else "knows" about me. Just because there are other things or situations in my life, that doesn't mean that they affect anyone currently in my life, or even me for that matter. No one should speak for someone else, no one should assume things about others based on things they hear. And I wish that everyone had enough sense to go to the source if there's something they want to know. Gossip does not benefit any person in any way, ever.

The only thing I want in the entire world right now is to love, and be loved, and to be happy. I love my family, I love my friends. We can't let current circumstances dictate our outcomes or attitudes. Circumstances are temporary, but the choices we make and actions we take are what actually decide how things go or turn out. Perfection is impossible, but I like to believe that intent, kindness, respect and plain caring still count for something nowadays. But maybe it's only appearance and hearsay that matters now. Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll just always lose unless you stoop to their level. I don't want to believe that.

But there are a lot of things I don't want to believe that are, unfortunately, still true. I don't think I can be that person, though. Friendship means too much to me.

Sometimes I really wish it didn't.

Something's Gone Terribly Wrong...

Sometimes it feels like my life isn't "real life" .. like I'm looking in on someone else's life or watching a movie or something.

Sometimes I wish that was actually the case. It would mean the pain that comes with different events in life isn't real to me, and I could separate from it, look on it from an outside perspective instead of feeling it so intensely. I've had people tell me that I'm so empathetic (sometimes I think pathetic is the key word) that I feel others' feelings almost as if they were my own, which is why I care so much about the people I love being happy. But it shouldn't be at the expense or instead of my own happiness. And I feel everything much deeper than I care to. The good and the bad.

The anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching... I'm not doing so well. You'd think after 4 years it'd be a little easier. And maybe in some ways it is, I guess. But I still don't know how to deal with the...ache I feel in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it.

I thought I was on the right track, but I don't know. Hopefully I can get back on. I feel so weak and pathetic and stupid when things take me over. And I'm sorry to the people who are close to me for when this happens, and don't tell me not to apologize because it really upsets me and I feel terrible. I know it hurts you to see me hurting... I'm trying really hard to be strong and rise above everything. I really am. And I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling so much.

But I love you. Eventually maybe I'll be stronger. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith again. I feel lost and sad and hurt. I don't know how to finish grieving and stop feeling that loss every single day. I don't know how to walk away from things that hurt because they're also things that make me happy. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. I wish that I could totally wipe the slate clean; clear of all this loss and hurt and anything else and start totally fresh, and I just don't know how to do it and make the pain go away. How do you stop hurting when the reason you hurt is you miss someone who can never, ever come back?

I don't think I really know the answer to anything anymore to be honest. I've lost myself.

Painful truth is better than a peaceful lie.

Things can't let us down if we don't let them build up.

I'm deflated and discouraged.

I hate myself for it.

I wish I could figure it out.

Oh well.

Sleep evades me.

Again.

I Am Alone At A Crossroads...

I'm not sure how to start this post, haha... I know what I want to say but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just try and jump right in..

I feel like I've really turned a corner this week. Nothing really happened so to speak, it's kind of just like a switch flipped in my head. I decided I'm just... I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself. I decided that I feel this way because I allow myself to... I have to make a conscious decision to flat-out not allow the things that get me down to get to me. To be honest I'm not sure it's completely possible, but I feel confident right now so I'm goin' with it LOL...

My perspective has changed on some things going on in my life and I feel a little less stressed about them. I also just kind of decided to focus on anything good and be content with what is. I don't like the way that some people look at or portray me, and I realize how much of that is based on things I've said or done. And I don't want that. The person that I am, truly, is not who I've been for the last 6 months. I had this huge epiphany about myself last summer and between doubt and insecurity and pain... I lost myself. Basically I think it was because I allowed circumstances to take me over. Instead of continuing on my path to become the person I want and need to be, I let the actions of other people and events that are out of my control make me lose focus on all the good that I'd found, in my life and the people in it, and within myself. Although some things are not exactly as I want them to be, I have a great life. And even if some things are bad, or hurt, they're not going to affect me forever. Even if it feels like it, they won't.

I was thinking the other day about how some things that happen seem like the biggest deal ever at the time that they happen... And now looking back on them they're practically like...not only insignificant but in some cases they could have never even happened and today, it wouldn't even matter, things would be exactly the same. It's just kind of funny.

Anyway, I know this is really just a bunch of babble and it probably doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I just felt like sharing. I don't know for sure I'll be able to continue in this mindset but I feel really good about it right now. Things aren't perfect but they never will be - nothing is ever really perfect. The only thing that I can control about my life is myself, my actions and my reactions. I don't have to allow things to take over my life just because they hurt me... I'm stronger than that, I just have to remember it.

Life isn't worth living if we don't enjoy it. Even if things aren't okay, they will be. There will always be hurt and pain, but it doesn't have to rule our lives. It doesn't change who we are, it just makes things hard for a little while. I'm tired of being the girl who's always upset, complaining, crying...that's not me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I miss the person I know I am... Circumstances aren't going to rule my life anymore.

X

Insecurity... :(

Do you ever feel like there's some secret that everyone is in on except for you? Or that you're like on display or something? That's how I feel... I feel like people are saying things about me and judging me and in fact I know it's true to some extent, but I don't understand why. I'm not a perfect person and I have a LOT of ways that I can improve myself, and I'm truly trying to make those changes. I am too needy of affection and love. I know that I am insecure and I read into things too much sometimes, but I can't help but feel like I've done something and I don't know what. In regard to a few different situations.

I really haven't even talked much to anyone lately in depth so I don't even know what reason there is to talk about me. I probably sound conceited or like I think I'm so important to think people even care about me enough to talk about me, but I can't shake the feeling. And I just don't know the cause. It shouldn't bother me if people don't like me but more than that, it's upsetting to think that I've done something to hurt someone somehow and don't even know it. That really bothers me.

If anything I think I am TOO honest and/or share too much, but only about myself, and I don't talk badly about people and I don't gossip and I don't share things that aren't mine to share. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a liar. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. Something happens and people just stop talking to me without a word or any explanation, and because of things that have happened in the past, I'm extremely hurt by it. (There is one person with whom this has happened and this is definitely not about them; they're not worth even a second of anyone's time.) Besides the fact that a person or people don't want to associate with me anymore, I don't even know the reason, and I'm not worth enough to them to talk to me about it. If I ever hurt or offend or disrespect someone I would obviously want the opportunity to correct and/or apologize for what I've done, intentional or not. I'm not a malicious person and I don't wish bad on anyone. I just don't understand.

Maybe talking/writing about myself somehow causes drama around me. My intent has always just been to try and be better, to try and heal by getting thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can try and make sense of things. I didn't have any intent to affect anyone else nor do I intend to try and "reach" anyone when I write, this blog isn't even about any specific person or thing going on. I simply write to try and get it out of my brain that never seems to stop, nothing to do with anyone else. I'd never want to do anything to hurt or harm anyone. And I've no idea what I could've done so bad that I'm not even worth enough to talk to me about it rather than just write me off. I'm too sensitive, but I am who I am. That's all. I'm sorry for it.

I Don't Wanna Be A Book of Endings...

I'm incredibly frustrated. I feel like some things in my life right now are some sort of big joke. Kinda like someone's sitting and laughing at me... Like I'm naive and stupid.

I'm sick of letting people hurt me just because I love them too much to get them out of my life. Friendship has always been huge in my life; I didn't have my parents around a lot when I was younger so my friends have always been more like family to me. It's not fair that people take advantage of me and it's not fair that people make judgments on me, especially based on inaccurate information, when I don't even deserve it. Like... I'm fucking done with this shit. I'm sick of people treating me like shit I guess just because they can. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am worth more than certain situations I have in my life. And I don't know how to stop caring and letting them hurt me. Because I'm too scared of losing them to stand up for myself. I know you just thought, "But if you'd lose them for that they're not worth it anyway" or "if they hurt you over and over, they don't deserve you or your friendship anyway". I get that, and though I don't completely agree, it's a moot point because I don't know how to stop caring and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying so damn hard and I just don't know.

I don't want to lose anyone because they're important to me. Whether or not they deserve my time and friendship, the fact remains that I can't change my feelings, I can't just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone. And I love the people in my life. I've lost enough people that I value, my friends mean the world to me, I don't want to lose anyone else. I've dealt with so much loss... The thought of more just breaks my heart.

I know that I am the answer to this. I am the only one I can change, and I'm the one letting people hurt me and not treat me like a friend should be treated. I know that I deserve better than that. And I don't think any of these people do it intentionally. I just feel stuck. I don't want to keep getting sad and hurt, and I don't want to lose people that I really care about. And although I know that I need to let them go regardless because I don't deserve some things, I don't know how to stop caring, to stop wanting them in my life. I don't know how to forget the reasons we became friends to begin with.

I think this goes back to something that happened a few years ago... Sometimes I feel like people find it really easy to just stop caring about me, like it's so easy for them to just drop me and move on with their lives without even a second thought. I just can't seem to figure out how to do that, and it makes me feel weak, and stupid, and...worthless. I can't change anyone else, I can only change me and what I allow and how I react. I can't complain about someone or something hurting me over and over when I don't just rid my life of those negative influences and therefore continue to allow it. Things and people that are already in my heart, regardless of their current actions (or non-actions), I don't know how to get them out.

How do you just stop caring? How do you find the strength to let go of friendships you love and value? I think it's the hope that at some point they'll go back to the person you met and cared for to begin with. But that may never happen. Unfortunately people don't always show their true selves at the beginning. It makes me feel stupid for believing them, though. Like in some ways I feel very naive, just because I want to believe the best in people, and I want to believe that everyone will be as up front and honest about things as I am. But that's not realistic anymore. It's just not.

I'm so sick of rudeness, and lies, and people talking badly about me with things that aren't even true. I'm tired of being judged by people who think they know me, that make inaccurate assumptions without even actually getting to know me. I wish my friends would stick up for me when people make up stories about me, or even just have wrong ideas. I wish I was important enough to them that they'd tell people who I really am. I wish I was important enough in general. Or I wish I didn't care anymore. Yeah. Mostly I wish I didn't care.

I'm so pathetic, I know. I'm truly trying as hard as I can to be a stronger person, and I'm not making excuses for myself. I just feel lost, I feel like I'm losing hope. Everytime I think I'm getting ahead even the smallest bit, something knocks me on my ass, and I'm so discouraged because it feels like any progress I've made is just gone. It's just been a very hard few months...okay, or like 6 months. I know I'm stronger than I feel and I know that things could very easily be much worse than they are.

I just... I just want to be happy. That's seriously all I want in life. That probably sounds pathetic too; I don't have any big dreams or huge things that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a good, comfortable life and be happy. Again, that's probably pretty pathetic to people who have huge dreams and goals in life, but it is what it is... I don't need to be the headliner. I've struggled in many ways over the 26 years of my life, and I know what I value. Family, love, friendship. I don't have to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want a job that means something to me, for whatever reason. I want to be able to pick up and travel and see new places often. And I want to do it with people I love.

I just want to be happy. I'm trying to be patient and do what I can to make things the best that I can. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and surrounding myself with good people, who care for me very much. I'm just struggling. Doesn't mean I'm giving up and life isn't easy... Just struggling, and a little lost... But I'm working on it. Doing the best I can. And right now, that's all I can do.

Irony. Sometimes, it's not cute, it's not funny, it's not fucking anything. Except bullshit.

Bullshit like the words that people say that aren't even true. No one cares about lying to someone else anymore. When did rudeness and lying and bullshit become acceptable? I thought that standards existed that everyone aspired to in order to try and be a "good person." Apparently though, I was wrong. People can do anything to anyone and not miss a single step on their happy little path toward wherever. Doesn't matter who they step on or push out of the way; there are no such things as consequences. It doesn't matter if anyone else gets hurt. I'm sick of it. I'm disappointed in humanity and the (lack of) standards people live and treat others by. Few are an exception anymore.

You don't just treat people like shit because you can. Eventually they'll have enough of being treated badly. You'll see that you can't just have people in your life when you feel like it or need something, and ignore them otherwise. Maybe then you'll realize how wrong you were. But maybe not. I have no clue.

I thought you were better than that. I'm disappointed.

I Followed The Voice You Gave To Me...

It's very difficult to work so hard for something, in every way you know how really, and to never seem to be able to make any progress. It's very discouraging. I've realized that's what my problem is. When something happens that knocks me off my feet and I fall, it makes me feel like I haven't actually made any improvement and I'm right back where I started, which devastates me and every single even slightly imperfect thing or situation in my life is suddenly overwhelmingly awful. Obviously this isn't completely the case as I've learned a lot from many of the things I've been through; it's just disheartening to think you're getting somewhere to find or feel like you're in the same place. And when it just spirals into every aspect of my life, I tear myself apart...

I've been trying very hard to stop focusing on the negative. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do it. I have no idea why I am this way..and frankly I still don't know how to change it. I know what and who I want to be, but I don't know how to make it happen. I know it has to come from me. How do you take the strength that you know you have somewhere deep down and bring it to the surface? How do you make yourself believe in you again?

I've been trying to figure out specifically what it was that led me to the changes last summer. I suddenly found myself knowing what I wanted, how to get it, and that I actually did deserve it. For the first time in years, I knew that the person that I am is okay. Of course there are things I'd like to improve or change about myself, but I knew that my faults are not what define me. There is no perfect person; it's about acknowledging those flaws, changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. And focusing on the good qualities that you possess. Something made me lose that belief in myself... The belief that I am worth it, I am special, I am okay as who I am. I think I felt like the people who believed in me most and gave me the most support didn't believe in me or even care about me anymore, or that they had decided I wasn't good enough after all... I know I have to find it in myself, I cannot rely on others for that. However, it's difficult when you're trying to build yourself up, finding that self-worth, making your life what you want to make it... Not to lose faith in yourself when someone else does, when everything is so new. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else or not. It's just difficult to go from years of believing you're not worth anything to, well, anything else. Difficult, but not impossible. There are a lot of things we WANT to hear, but that doesn't mean we NEED to hear them. It's easy to forget that. Confidence, faith, strength, love for yourself, all comes from within. It feels great for someone to tell you that you're beautiful, but your vision or idea of yourself shouldn't rely on hearing that. You should know what you are and be proud of it without "needing" to hear it from the mouth of another.

I'm rambling. I just want to get back on track. I want to get back into the mindset that I was in this summer... I want to get back that faith in myself that I can't seem to find anymore. I'm working on it every day.

I was going to delete some of the past blogs that I've posted here... I'm a bit torn. This blog has been an outlet just for me, I don't write it for anyone else specifically to read. Feedback and hearing that people care is wonderful, but I don't do it for anyone else. I've worried many times that I share too much, that some things are too personal to be posted on my blog, as even though it is personal, it's certainly far from private being on the internet. I'm not a poetic or "artistic" sort of writer in any way; the topics, in my opinion, even if not blatant, that I write about are generally not difficult to recognize. Some of you have said that some of my posts have helped you, even if only to know that you are not alone in certain ways you think or feel. For that reason I've decided to leave them. I think I'll be more careful with what I post in the future, and I'll assume that everyone reads what I write (rather than thinking "so-and-so won't read this anyway, they don't follow my blog") because realistically I really never know who is seeing it. It's written for me, to let things out and to try to make sense of life, and for anyone that actually does benefit from my words for any reason at all. I hope I'm not wrong to continue.

Thank you to the people who haven't given up on me, even when I give up on myself, and feel I don't have any will or reason to go on with anything anymore. I'm sorry for those days... I want to rid my life of them permanently. Until I do...just thank you. And I'm sorry there's anyone I've hurt.

Edit: I did delete a few past blogs that I've realized were very misunderstood. I don't care what strangers think about me but I do care about what those who know me think. Perception can be a shitty thing, when it leads to incorrect assumptions. That's all I can say.

So Much For My Happy Ending...

I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who doesn't love me. Now I also know what it's like to be on the other side...to be loved by someone I don't-can't-love. Of course, he doesn't actually love me, though he thinks he does. He doesn't like the person that I am, and he doesn't love me either. But he thinks he does, and I know that one day he'll realize that. Until then, though... Well, I just know that it sucks.

I've wondered about it before, about which side would be harder or "worse" to be on. I feel bad. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, for any reason. But it's not something that I can control. Even without taking into account all of the circumstances and reasons for feeling the way I do, there's not any way to change it. To say I changed isn't exactly right... I think it would be more accurate to say that I found myself again. For a long time I let go of everything I was and wanted and I became a person that I thought I should be, that someone wanted me to be. Depression was a huge part of it too. With all of it together, I kind of turned into this shell of who I used to be. I lost interest in everything I used to love and focused on nothing but trying to make "our" life a good one, to be what I thought a wife should be. More than anything I wanted to be loved and taken care of, and there were more than a few times that that led to some decisions that were probably not the best.

I tried so hard, for so many years, to try to make things okay. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that if I could just fix myself, everything would be okay. Last summer something happened, something inside of me, that made me remember who I was, what I wanted, and showed me what I needed to be able to get that. And that I deserved everything I want and need. I told him what those things were...and I believe he tried in every way he was capable to try to be that. But just as I shouldn't have to be anyone else, neither should he. Neither should anyone.

One day he said that he had just realized that "maybe things won't work out" and he had to accept that. I didn't know what to do with that. I had always been operating under the assumption, no-the fact, that we were meant to be together, and everything would work out because that's how it was, and that was all there is to it. It rocked my own personal little world to find that uncertainty... To know that wasn't the case, and then think about the situation and everything going on in my life at that time. And I realized that we just weren't supposed to be together. That's why we couldn't make it work - because it wasn't supposed to work. We spent so many years trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. We both deserve to be happy...and the only way for that to happen was and is without each other.

And with the support and love and so many things from the people I am closest to, I found the strength to end something that I used to think would be forever. I realized my worth, I realized what I am capable of. I realized that the person I really am, who for so many years I didn't think I could be, was okay. I have a lot of things I want to work on on myself...but there is nothing wrong with me. I was just in a relationship with someone I wasn't meant to be with. Someone who wasn't meant to be with me.

Maybe there is someone out there especially for me. I don't really know anymore. I just knew I couldn't stay in a situation because I was scared of the "other" choice. Regardless of how my life turns out, I know I made the right decision. And that's without even taking into account all of the other circumstances surrounding it all. There is no question.

It's hard to see a situation where someone is in love with someone who doesn't love them back. Call me a romantic, but I believe in true love and I believe in fate and destiny. Love should never be unrequited...and to know, SEE, for a fact that it very much is and can be... Well, it's just sad to think about. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I hope I find the one who's out there for me... Love enhances everything else there is in life, in my opinion. Regardless, I know now who I am and who I want to be, who I'm capable of being...

And that's all I really know for sure anymore.

You're So Vain, I'll Bet You Think This Song Is About You, Don't You?

I honestly wonder what happens to some people to make them think that they are so much better than anyone else. It's not even just a feeling of importance (though that's certainly part of it), but they actually think they deserve things more than other people. Mainly attention. Tell me, why should people pay attention to immaturity, or childishness, or obsession? I have dogs. A bunch of them. When you're training dogs, you learn how to deal with attention-seeking behaviour (which is negative). You ignore it. You don't reward it by giving the attention that they want. Eventually they learn the proper way to act and will stop misbehaving in efforts to get (positive or negative) attention from people. Some people, it seems, aren't as smart as dogs are.

Who do I think I am to say anything about the way anyone else acts? I don't think I'm anyone. I'm no one to preach. I'm simply a person (a pretty decent one, I think) voicing my opinion on my personal blog for anyone that chooses to read it. I cannot understand why negative actions are not met with consequences. Who is anyone to think that they are above that? That they can do whatever the hell they want to whoever the hell they want and it doesn't matter? Where does this idea self-importance come from? Every person is important. Every life is important. Just because some people choose to act as though they are better than others (when really, they're probably the most insecure and scared of us all), doesn't mean that that is in fact, true. And in my personal opinion, it actually makes you WORSE than others. People who choose to take negative action or put any kind of negative energy on another person are just low. You NEVER know what someone else is dealing with or going through. For all you know someone could be on the verge of trying to take their own life and one of your snide, bitchy comments could be the thing that makes them believe that, they're right, truly no one in the world gives a shit about them and in fact actually loathes them as much as they loathe theirselves. Would you want to be responsible for that? Seriously? I wouldn't.

This is the last thing I will ever say to you. You are a rude, immature, obsessive child, with some unfounded idea that you are above or more "special" than anyone else in this world. When in reality, you're a mean loser who can't take a hint, with no real friends, because you don't know how to treat people appropriately, leaving you looking like the ignorant, crazy asshole that you choose to be. Your CHOICES are what make you who you are and I hope that one day you will realize exactly how awful you are and I hope people are strong enough not to let you hurt them until you get there, if you ever get there. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It's not like it really matters though, because you'll think you're above anything I say anyway. Good luck to you.

Everyone else in my world, I adore you and thank you for being part of my life. Love love love. Xx

Maybe This Is Wishful Thinking, Probably Mindless Dreaming...

There are certain things in life that should be free. Things that no one profits on, that everyone just gets. Or can get at an average, set price. Water, basic foods, basic clothing. Even homes, health insurance, transportation. Even if there was a standard and everything was the same. People with means could always "upgrade" if they felt the need, but at least everyone would have the basics. No one would be hungry, no one would be homeless. Some people probably don't consider the same things to be necessities as others, but certain things keep us alive and allow life around us (schools, jobs, medical facilities, etc.) to continue functioning day after day. Everyone should have an opportunity to live.

When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...

Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.

I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.

Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.

It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.

I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.

A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.

Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.

Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.

Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.

I Wish I Could Define All The Thoughts That Cross My Mind...

I've been very...curious lately. That isn't the right word, but I can't think of the one I want. Inquisitive? Thoughtful? Bah. I've been thinking a lot, but not like usual. More broadly, about unimportant or random things. It may just be because I'm having quite a difficult time concentrating/focusing lately... I swear I'd have lost my head by this point was it not attached to my neck. I'm definitely a bit out of sorts lately, I'm just not sure what to attribute it to... I can't even figure out how to explain. I just feel a bit odd. Who knows...

I do have a few things going on. It's our busiest time of year at work; it's Spring Break so it's super chaotic but also really fun. I get to see hundreds of "kids" who willingly and excitedly give up their Spring Breaks to volunteer their time to help someone who has less than they do. It's comforting to know that there are still people in the world who put others before themselves, or lend a hand to someone in need purely out of the goodness of their hearts. It's an amazing thing to witness.

This weekend I've given myself a project of sorts. I have some things that need to be packed up and moved out, and then I want (need) to go through like EVERYTHING. I still don't know where my camera is, and that's upsetting to me. I don't want to buy another one as there's better places my money can go right now as I go off on my own, so to speak. Of course a camera is not a necessity but memories are so special to me and so important, and lord knows I have the worst memory in the world. I'm more just irritated because I know it's around here somewhere, just not in any of the "usual" places. No doubt I was in a hurry and put it somewhere and said "Ah, I'll definitely think to look here when I need it!" and it's right under my nose somewhere. Frustrating though.

Life is frustrating me right now. It's like so much is on the tip of my tongue, and I either can't think of how to put it or explain. I have all of these random thoughts and I've started writing them down, but then when I try to put them together I can't seem to do it. I don't know, maybe I'm just overtired and all the stress is taking a toll on me... I'm definitely scared about the near future, I won't deny it, but I'm also very excited. I'm proud of myself for some things and I'm looking forward to some others. I know that I still get down often and although it's something I am working on, I still have a long way to go... But, overall I am actually feeling confident, excited, at ease. Even though I have a lot of day-to-day stresses, overall I am calm...I know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm trying to have faith that everything will work itself out. Even though I'm not there yet, I'm confident I'm on the right path, and I am really grateful and appreciative of all the love and support so many people have given me. I hope that soon I can be the friend that you deserve in return.

Soooooo um here's some of my random thoughts to close out this babble...

If I could meet any celebrity, I'd probably pick Ellen. Or Craig Ferguson.

I find it really frustrating when people who do really bad things get everything they want in life... I know that's probably a horrible thing to say. It's just like...do they even learn anything?

Every girl should be swept up into the arms of a man who loves her at least once in her life.

I don't really get why people are so harsh about "Glee"... My assumption is it's judgment without ever having seen it, simply because all it is is a group of really talented people who sing and dance... Okay, there's some drama too but, it's still about the music!

I've spoken to a lot of friends lately who are really hurting. I wish people weren't capable of falling in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. That should be how it works... No more heartbreak.

"Letters To Juliet" is quite possibly my 2nd favorite movie ever. I can't watch it enough. Love.

I think we can change our thought processes and what we think about, but I'm not sure that really changes what's in our hearts.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the devil.

I like the quote that says, "I love you not only because of who you are, but because of who I am when I'm with you." I think that's so beautiful. The people we love can bring out the very best in us.

If a person can't make an album/sing live without using autotune and all kinds of other effects, they shouldn't be making an album. Leave it to the people with actual talent.

No one should make someone fall for them if they have no intention of catching them when they do.

Sometimes I think it isn't a choice whether or not to give your heart to someone... Sometimes it gives itself away without warning (or your permission). There really isn't anything you can do.

In relationships of any kind, you should always lay all of your cards on the table. Anyone worth having in your life will love you as you are, and they deserve your honesty in return. Everything catches up to you at some point... It's all connected somehow. Hiding things or lying helps no one. Not even you.

Some people make me really just wonder WTF happened that makes them think they're so important, or better than everyone else.

Sometimes, I really do wish I could hate some people.

A troll is a troll is a troll is a troll. What is it? Oh that's right - a troll.

I intend to start a new escort service that shall be called Laypal. (if you don't know that's a joke, well...)

Some people forgot my birthday...or just intentionally said nothing. Either way it's kinda... :(

If you could snap your fingers and right now be with anybody, anywhere... Where would you be?
And who would you be with?

And With A Broken Wing, She Still Sings...

I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.

It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.

Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.

It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.

I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.

I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.

I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.

I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.

I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.

I have to.

All My Love... Lo xx

I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This Just In...

I was at the store today getting groceries and at the check out of course you can't help but notice the seemingly hundreds of bullshit tabloids all over the place. Ridiculous headlines, completely false stories, invasions of privacy, etc. etc. So many people are so concerned with the lives of people that they don't (and likely never will) know. Not to say that it's outrageous for a person to care about the general well-being and whatnot of someone they don't know, but what makes people think that it's their right to know about personal details of anyone else? If there are some who choose to share things with others that's their choice, but it's still not anyone's right to have that information.

I've been in and around multiple fanbases in my life and I've seen a lot of things... The thing that I don't think people realize is that, even if you are "positively" supporting (in most cases) a celebrity, but you are concerned with their every move, thought, job, relationship, in a lot of ways you are just as bad as those who are "against" them for whatever reason. Just because you don't diss them or hate on them or whatever the hell the case is, that doesn't mean that your actions are warranted or acceptable. Celebrities that have problems with being followed every second of every day and the other things that A-Listers go through; do you think that they are any happier about one of their fans digging into their personal life rather than someone who dislikes or doesn't care about them? In fact in some ways, people who are NOT fans of theirs probably "bother" them less because more than likely they're less concerned and less involved in their lives than their fans are. I'm just saying that I don't think people think about the fact that butting into someone else's life, whether it's for good intentions or bad, is not okay.

I was thinking about like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and many others... What a fine line they must have to walk. In their profession, their job is essentially to make people believe that they are these characters. As I am not an actor these are only my assumptions, but I would think as an actor you want people to care about the relationship between the characters, you want them to be invested in it, you want them to cry when they break up and be elated when they finally work things out. And then they have real life relationships and people are so focused on it because they are invested in the relationship because they still see it as the two people they're "rooting" for in the movie, to an extent the relationship overlaps.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I was just thinking that it must be really tough... Wanting to make people care but also wanting them not to care. Obviously the characters that they portray are completely different than who they are and their real life relationship, but I think more often than not that distinction gets lost, and I think that's a lot of what causes the scrutiny and obsession with their real life private lives.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to support celebrities, I'm saying that regardless of their career and whether or not it "comes with the territory" - no one has any right to information about someone else's life. And that people need to realize that positive attention doesn't necessarily mean it's any better than negative attention... It may still be none of your business.

I Never Really Cared Until I Met You...

Why is it that people find it necessary to question everything? (That was some kind of weird oxymoron in itself, huh?) But really. Sometimes it's so incredibly difficult to just take something at face value and not think or worry about its outcome. Speaking for myself, I know it's usually out of fear. Fear of being hurt, or let down. Fear of being betrayed. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being used...

In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.

I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).

But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.

I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.

I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)

And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.

With All That I've Done Wrong, I Must've Done Something Right...

What is it that makes people think it's better to just not talk about things? That if you just ignore something or sweep it under the rug it'll just...what? Go away, I guess? Not everything will just magically work itself out. Some things don't just disappear. Sometimes you have to deal with things, even if you don't want to. And sometimes other people deserve that much from you. We can go through our lives focusing completely on ourselves, having people around when we need or want to and then pushing them aside when it's convenient to do so. And we'll either end up with a perfect life, or with everything we ever thought we ever wanted and not a single person who really knows and loves us to be a part of it.

This world is too fucking selfish. People don't care if they hurt other people as long as they get what they want. What ever happened to treat others as you want to be treated? How would you feel if you put yourself in someone else's place? What would you think of you?

I wonder how many tears are cried because of foolish pride. I wonder how many hearts are needlessly broken because of words never spoken. Or because of lies or greed or misunderstandings or fear. Where do people get the idea that they have to "live up to" some specific "standard"? No one should be concerned about working toward anything except for what they want for themselves. Who is anyone else to tell us who or how or why we should be one way or another? Who is anyone else to tell us who to have in our life or not? Who is anyone else to say they are better than we are? Are we not all individuals, completely unique?

Why are people so afraid to tell other people they love them? Lovers, friends, fathers and sons, whoever. Have these people never lost a loved one? Do they not know what it's like to wish you'd told someone something that you'll never again have a chance to? What reason is possibly good enough to risk regret that will never, ever go away? What if somehow like...I don't know. I don't know how to say what I mean...I don't know. Right before my Dad died, I told him I was going to be too busy to talk during the upcoming week because I had an event at work and I was gonna be busy. I talked to him almost every day usually, and he knew I loved him more than anybody else in the world. And yet I still hate myself for saying that to him. And there's not ever going to be anything I can do to change it. But at least he knew how much I loved him. That last week is probably nothing compared to the 22 years of my life that he knew that at least one person in the world adored him unconditionally, and thought that no matter what mistakes he'd made in his life, he was still the best father that anyone could ever hope to have as far as I was concerned. This man who would do anything, for anyone out of the goodness of his heart. Who never had much but gave us everything he could. Who I could tell anything no matter what. Who every year for my birthday wrote me a letter, because no card could properly say how much he loved me and how special I was to him... I refuse to be ashamed of how much I care about people. I'm tired of wishing I could care less because I'm tired of being hurt. Every day my heart breaks a little because I still miss him every single day. I also miss the idea that I knew, without question, that at least one person in my life was completely, 100% open and honest with me about anything and everything. If he thought I was full of shit, he would tell me. When he was depressed and drinking and taking pills, and thought about...ending things...he talked to me. He talked to me and I made him swear he wouldn't leave me. If he hadn't come to me I may have lost him even sooner than I did, and I'd be less of a person for it. I was all he had. I don't want that...I don't want to be anyone's everything. I'm just sick of bullshit. My Dad made a lot of fucking mistakes in his life. A lot, probably even more than I know. But he was a damn good man. He was no-bullshit, he was honest, he was caring, he was real. This would be a better world if more people possessed those qualities. Games and messing with people's heads and taking advantage of people to get ahead in life... They're just not worth it in my opinion, for whatever that means. You can make your own great life without forfeiting morals. And everything is better when you can share your joy, and accomplishments, and whatever, with people who supported and loved you before you thought there was any reason for them to.

I don't know what my point is. This stupid movie just made me think about some random shit. I just don't know why everything has to be about picking and choosing what we say or don't say, and games, and hidden agendas. Why can't people just be honest and up front with each other? Lies and secrets and taking advantage of people... People should just respect each other and do the right thing. Not just the easy thing or the beneficial thing. Throughout our lives we're going to be continually faced with choices and decisions to some degree or another. No one can choose for us or make us choose one thing or another. People need to take responsibility for the things they do and the results that come from it. At what point do we stop looking out for no one but ourselves? When we hurt someone else? When we have to hide certain things from certain people? Omission does not equal truth. Silence does not equal contentment or resolution. Avoidance does not equal disappearance. Pretending or wishing something isn't a certain way does not mean it isn't that way. Lying, and selfishness, and playing games is not friendship. It goes both ways. One day, you're actually going to lose the people you don't treat how you should. Everyone has a breaking point, and a limit to what they're willing to take. I think I'm pretty damn close.