This is a story about a girl.
One summer in the south, this girl met a boy at a mutual friend's birthday party at a club. This boy was a few years older than she was. In fact, she was 17 with a fake ID. They exchanged numbers at the party and started talking. She developed a little crush, and much to her delight a few weeks later he asked her out. It occured to her that he may not know that she was 17; they'd met at the club and the topic of age had never come up. All of her friends were older and so she never thought about it. She told him that she'd love to go out with him, but wanted to make sure that he knew she was still 17 (for about another 7 months). He hadn't known, and said they should probably put it off and revisit later on if they wanted to. This made her sad but she understood.
They continued talking from time to time, though not as regularly as before. A couple of months later, they were on vacation again with friends. While everyone was out the first night, he kissed her. He stayed with her that night, though nothing happened (okay, there was a lot of kissing, but that's it). When they returned back home, he became distant. He apologized and said he liked her but that that shouldn't have happened...technically she was underage and though above the age of consent or whatever, it couldn't happen then. He was sorry.
Months went by and they talked from time to time but didn't hang out again. The following summer, he invited her and her friend over to hang out with a few people one night and they did. It was casual, but she realized that, despite her best efforts, she still liked him. A few days later, he invited her to a party at his place. As the night wound down, there were only a few people still around and eventually, he kissed her again. She stayed with him that night, but again, nothing happened (nothing could). But, this began a series of "hook ups" for lack of a better word.
An important part of the story, I suppose, is that this girl was a virgin. Not only was she a virgin, but frankly she really hadn't done much of anything with a guy up to that point. She really hadn't dated anyone. He was well aware of this. They "hooked up" "exclusively" for about a month. They talked about it a lot and she felt comfortable with him, and knew they liked each other. After a month, they finally "went all the way." She was happy. He was incredibly sweet. Everything seemed great.
A few days later she left for college a couple of hours away. They talked throughout the week and he asked her to come see him but being her first week of classes, she couldn't get away. Another week went by and he became distant again. When she asked him what was up, he said he had just started dating someone. He had known her a while and it just happened. He didn't mean to lead the girl on. The timing was bad. He was sorry.
It sucked. She didn't understand why it had happened that way. Was she just a challenge to him? She was sad, humiliated, rejected... Hurt.
Some things stay with you always. Even if just a little.
The End.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Mumble Jumble...
In life sometimes things come into our lives that change us. I'm not even talking about just like making us feel good or momentarily happy or even sad. Some things literally somehow change who we are. Or maybe the correct way to say it is that they make us realize who we are, who we truly are or can be... It's like a switch inside of us gets flipped and suddenly we're in an entirely new world. Well, it's still our world, but how we see it has completely changed.
I believe these things or people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe I'm just naive and/or a dreamer and/or a hopeless romantic and/or just plain unrealistic; but I believe in fate, destiny, even true love. I want to. Doesn't everyone? If it's all true it means that anything that's "meant to be" in your life will happen no matter what. You'll end up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to do, with whoever you're supposed to be there with. So you essentially can't make mistakes (for lack of a better word) so severe that it won't work out because it's supposed to be a certain way and will be no matter what.... Eventually.
What if it doesn't "fit" with what we want, or at least think we want, now? Would that mean things we're working on/for could be nothing more than a complete waste of time? Or actually I guess if all those things exist then it's all part of what leads to where you're ultimately supposed to be anyway, right? I find this incredibly frustrating. I wish that we could know our right paths and where we'll end up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the excitement of life and I believe in living life for what you truly want or need. But if there's some ultimate destiny out there already "set" no matter what we do, I just want to be there already. I don't like wasting time or putting things off, especially good things. If everything happens for a reason then it happens for a reason...trying to ignore it because it's inconvenient or you don't want it right now seems to be a waste to me. Why put off anything that could be part of your happiness? If it's really supposed to be then it's essentially part of everything else that makes you happy too. And that would also mean there's a reason whatever it is it happened when it did.
And if it all is real, are there some people that "destined" to be unhappy? Or is the whole idea behind fate/destiny that everyone will ultimately find happiness, in whatever form? Or is it just that "everything will end up how it's supposed to". That is not necessarily positive. Can we work our whole lives for what we feel makes us happy only to find we were never supposed to be to begin with? Is there actually any such thing as free will or would that mean even our "decisions" are somehow predetermined? Or is it just that no matter what we do it doesn't matter because life will still be however it's supposed to be anyway?
What if none of it's real anyway? In a way that's almost more comforting. Then life would be completely based on what we do and accomplish and our choices. We could just do whatever we want because life would just be however it was. We'd know if we pass up on an "opportunity" that it's fine and we can forget about it completely and move on because we don't have to wonder or worry if it was a huge mistake or if it's going to come back into our lives to have to deal with again later on because it's "supposed" to. You wouldn't have to debate whether to end a relationship you're unsure about because they could be "The One" because there'd be no such thing as "The One". You wouldn't have to wonder about the reason behind things because there wouldn't be some overall "master plan" it was all shaping into, it'd just be life happening and that's how it is, no deeper meaning.
Maybe there isn't a master plan. Maybe there is no "One". Maybe it's all only in the movies. I guess the only thing that really matters anyway is that there's no way to know, either way. There's no "proof" to one side or the other, I think that's what I find frustrating. It's why I have a hard time with certain parts of history or a lot of things about religion...I dunno. How can you know for sure the right things to do in life? You can't. I dislike uncertainty. I guess all we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the information we're given and hope that we're able to make our own happiness, or that our "destiny" (if it exists) shows itself before too long.
I guess it's a win-win... I'm just impatient. This is gibberish.
I believe these things or people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe I'm just naive and/or a dreamer and/or a hopeless romantic and/or just plain unrealistic; but I believe in fate, destiny, even true love. I want to. Doesn't everyone? If it's all true it means that anything that's "meant to be" in your life will happen no matter what. You'll end up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to do, with whoever you're supposed to be there with. So you essentially can't make mistakes (for lack of a better word) so severe that it won't work out because it's supposed to be a certain way and will be no matter what.... Eventually.
What if it doesn't "fit" with what we want, or at least think we want, now? Would that mean things we're working on/for could be nothing more than a complete waste of time? Or actually I guess if all those things exist then it's all part of what leads to where you're ultimately supposed to be anyway, right? I find this incredibly frustrating. I wish that we could know our right paths and where we'll end up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the excitement of life and I believe in living life for what you truly want or need. But if there's some ultimate destiny out there already "set" no matter what we do, I just want to be there already. I don't like wasting time or putting things off, especially good things. If everything happens for a reason then it happens for a reason...trying to ignore it because it's inconvenient or you don't want it right now seems to be a waste to me. Why put off anything that could be part of your happiness? If it's really supposed to be then it's essentially part of everything else that makes you happy too. And that would also mean there's a reason whatever it is it happened when it did.
And if it all is real, are there some people that "destined" to be unhappy? Or is the whole idea behind fate/destiny that everyone will ultimately find happiness, in whatever form? Or is it just that "everything will end up how it's supposed to". That is not necessarily positive. Can we work our whole lives for what we feel makes us happy only to find we were never supposed to be to begin with? Is there actually any such thing as free will or would that mean even our "decisions" are somehow predetermined? Or is it just that no matter what we do it doesn't matter because life will still be however it's supposed to be anyway?
What if none of it's real anyway? In a way that's almost more comforting. Then life would be completely based on what we do and accomplish and our choices. We could just do whatever we want because life would just be however it was. We'd know if we pass up on an "opportunity" that it's fine and we can forget about it completely and move on because we don't have to wonder or worry if it was a huge mistake or if it's going to come back into our lives to have to deal with again later on because it's "supposed" to. You wouldn't have to debate whether to end a relationship you're unsure about because they could be "The One" because there'd be no such thing as "The One". You wouldn't have to wonder about the reason behind things because there wouldn't be some overall "master plan" it was all shaping into, it'd just be life happening and that's how it is, no deeper meaning.
Maybe there isn't a master plan. Maybe there is no "One". Maybe it's all only in the movies. I guess the only thing that really matters anyway is that there's no way to know, either way. There's no "proof" to one side or the other, I think that's what I find frustrating. It's why I have a hard time with certain parts of history or a lot of things about religion...I dunno. How can you know for sure the right things to do in life? You can't. I dislike uncertainty. I guess all we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the information we're given and hope that we're able to make our own happiness, or that our "destiny" (if it exists) shows itself before too long.
I guess it's a win-win... I'm just impatient. This is gibberish.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Every Action Has An Equal & Opposite Reaction...
I think it's difficult for (many) people to not complain or pity themselves when they are in a bad or crappy situation. Speaking for me, I know that when I let myself get down (because no one/nothing can make us feel or be any way unless we allow it to) that I want to vent and whine and complain about how bad it is. The thing is that more than likely, there's someone, somewhere who is going through or dealing with something much worse than what I am. Something may feel like the end of (my) world and sometimes I feel like I have nothing left in myself to live for. Learning how to deal with stressful situations and how to cope with bad things in life that we have no control over is something that I think you have to do with experience. And for some of us it's obviously harder than others, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. And actually it doesn't mean we're weak. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. You have to find a way to grow and learn; if you continue to do what you've always done, you'll always end up with the same results.
If you have deliberately done something to put yourself in a situation... suck it up and deal with it like an adult. Take responsibility for your actions and don't try to find someone who will take pity on you so you can justify something to yourself or make yourself feel better. We can ask for forgiveness but unfortunately it doesn't mean it has to be given. Sometimes it just can't be forgiven... That's life. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The difference, in my opinion, is that there are mistakes and then there are actions that directly reflect your character and your morals and your values in life. Basically, things we do are a huge part of what defines us. We can say a lot of things but if our actions don't reflect that or are the complete opposite, then what do words really mean? You can be upset if people lose their trust in you or their respect for you and/or don't want to have you in their lives -- no one has any right to tell you how you can or can't feel about something. But remember that they also have every right to feel how they do and also that those feelings are a direct effect of actions that you took or things that you said or did. And just because someone may not be directly involved in a situation doesn't mean they can't also be hurt or have an opinion about it.
Unrelated situationally, but sort of related I suppose... Someone said to me recently, "How does anything anyone else thinks ever actually affect me?" I have never thought before about just how true that is. Obviously it can be upsetting if someone doesn't like us or doesn't agree with decisions we make or things we do or anything else. I absolutely hate it if people don't like me. But why do I need their acceptance? What makes them so special that my happiness (for lack of a better word) should be based off of their opinion of me? There is no reason. I have amazing people in my life and those people are with me for some reason(s) and that's something that I know I need to remember. Sometimes other people can see things within us that we can't, for whatever reason. Judgment is a part of life; someone, somewhere will always be judging us in some way. It's about living with yourself and coming to terms with your actions and words and life experiences. The things we do will always be a part of and a reflection of us, good or bad. Some will stand out more than others, good or bad. Some won't matter five years from now and some will. I try to live my life with respect, honesty, compassion, kindness and love. We all falter at some point to some extent. There are, however, certain things I know I will never do and certain lines that I will never cross. The past is the past and there is absolutely no way to change it, so it's not worth dwelling on. If you did something shitty - doesn't matter, you can't go back and change it. But you can continue to be the person who did it or you can become a better person. You can't change the past or make it go away, but your future is (at least partially) within your control. What you choose to do is on you.
To an extent I think we're defined by our lives up to this point, at least outwardly as far as how other people see us. I want people to see me in a positive light, but I am at least content within myself with how I've lived my life and how I continue to try live my life, with the things that I value and want and do etc. etc. That's not to say I haven't made any mistakes because I most definitely have. I mean that I've come to terms with decisions I've made and things I've done for myself. No one is responsible for my life except for me. I was unhappy with my life and myself. I could decide to work to change it and make it better or I could pity myself and continue to look to others to give me "happiness" that in reality can only come from me. I haven't gotten to where I need/want to be yet, but I'm working on it and figuring it out. The responsibility is mine and mine alone. Others can support us and help us up when we fall but it ultimately comes down to only ourselves. It comes down to me.
X
If you have deliberately done something to put yourself in a situation... suck it up and deal with it like an adult. Take responsibility for your actions and don't try to find someone who will take pity on you so you can justify something to yourself or make yourself feel better. We can ask for forgiveness but unfortunately it doesn't mean it has to be given. Sometimes it just can't be forgiven... That's life. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The difference, in my opinion, is that there are mistakes and then there are actions that directly reflect your character and your morals and your values in life. Basically, things we do are a huge part of what defines us. We can say a lot of things but if our actions don't reflect that or are the complete opposite, then what do words really mean? You can be upset if people lose their trust in you or their respect for you and/or don't want to have you in their lives -- no one has any right to tell you how you can or can't feel about something. But remember that they also have every right to feel how they do and also that those feelings are a direct effect of actions that you took or things that you said or did. And just because someone may not be directly involved in a situation doesn't mean they can't also be hurt or have an opinion about it.
Unrelated situationally, but sort of related I suppose... Someone said to me recently, "How does anything anyone else thinks ever actually affect me?" I have never thought before about just how true that is. Obviously it can be upsetting if someone doesn't like us or doesn't agree with decisions we make or things we do or anything else. I absolutely hate it if people don't like me. But why do I need their acceptance? What makes them so special that my happiness (for lack of a better word) should be based off of their opinion of me? There is no reason. I have amazing people in my life and those people are with me for some reason(s) and that's something that I know I need to remember. Sometimes other people can see things within us that we can't, for whatever reason. Judgment is a part of life; someone, somewhere will always be judging us in some way. It's about living with yourself and coming to terms with your actions and words and life experiences. The things we do will always be a part of and a reflection of us, good or bad. Some will stand out more than others, good or bad. Some won't matter five years from now and some will. I try to live my life with respect, honesty, compassion, kindness and love. We all falter at some point to some extent. There are, however, certain things I know I will never do and certain lines that I will never cross. The past is the past and there is absolutely no way to change it, so it's not worth dwelling on. If you did something shitty - doesn't matter, you can't go back and change it. But you can continue to be the person who did it or you can become a better person. You can't change the past or make it go away, but your future is (at least partially) within your control. What you choose to do is on you.
To an extent I think we're defined by our lives up to this point, at least outwardly as far as how other people see us. I want people to see me in a positive light, but I am at least content within myself with how I've lived my life and how I continue to try live my life, with the things that I value and want and do etc. etc. That's not to say I haven't made any mistakes because I most definitely have. I mean that I've come to terms with decisions I've made and things I've done for myself. No one is responsible for my life except for me. I was unhappy with my life and myself. I could decide to work to change it and make it better or I could pity myself and continue to look to others to give me "happiness" that in reality can only come from me. I haven't gotten to where I need/want to be yet, but I'm working on it and figuring it out. The responsibility is mine and mine alone. Others can support us and help us up when we fall but it ultimately comes down to only ourselves. It comes down to me.
X
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friendship... Is When Being In The Same Place Matters More Than What You Do There.
Every day in all aspects of life, things happen around us that we have no control over. There isn't anything that can change that. What we have control over is our own actions and reactions and how we "choose" to handle things. I use " " because at this time in my life, no matter how much I try or how much I want to, I can't seem to figure out exactly how to control those things about myself. Ultimately it absolutely falls down to me and what I do or say, I would never say otherwise and I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. The fact that I worry too much (about everything) and that my brain works overtime 24/7 sucks...it's the way I am right now and I have to accept that. But I am working on trying to remember to relax and let things happen as they happen and stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the day after or the day after. I'm a planner. I always have been and with my OCD to a certain point that will never change. What I need to learn is how to let it go when things don't go as planned and not let it completely fuck up my day. It's okay to have high expectations in life, that's part of what makes things exciting I think. But it's important to keep in mind that (most) things don't work out exactly how you plan for them to, and there's only so much that you can do. Life will always throw you curve balls. That's a given. We can choose to let them fuck up our lives or we can choose to take a deep breath, find a Plan B and make the best of what we're given, and strive to love what we are, who we are, where we are, what we're doing, etc, etc. Because it just is what it is.
I'm disappointed in myself because of how I've dealt with some things. Like, I thought that there was a problem with something. I didn't know what and I didn't know why, but I just knew there was something. I'd tried to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that it was okay and in time it would all work out if it was supposed to. But it was hurting me... and I just couldn't get there. So I did what I always do, and I blamed myself, and I tore myself apart about it. Even not knowing what I did, I was sure it had to be me. Even though I couldn't think of a single thing I had done wrong. Because almost overnight something just changed. That doesn't happen without some sort of cause, and I just didn't know. I've been in a similar situation before. And I lost someone who was like a brother to me. And to this day, years later, I have no idea why... It still breaks my heart. I didn't want that to happen again.
We can't let the past and other situations affect how we handle or react to things that happen in our lives. The bottom line is I got scared. Scared of nothing more (and nothing less) than losing a very good friend. Confusion, hurt and a little bit of fear can rock anybody's confidence (and "make" them act or react in ways they normally wouldn't). I'm a person who relies so much on emotions and feelings, and though I hear the words, sometimes actions speak louder. It's hard for me not to take things personally sometimes. I need to remember to have faith in the people I choose to have in my life and trust that they will be open and honest with me. I try to follow my heart in all aspects of my life because I believe that if you follow your heart it'll eventually lead you to what makes you truly happy. It may take a while and you may have to wade through a lot of bullshit to get there, and I'm sure there are some times there may have been some decisions you could have made that would have led you down a different, possibly easier (at least for the moment) path. But I still think that if you don't ultimately follow your heart you can never truly be happy with what you're doing or who you are or anything else. I wish the easiest choices were always the right choices. It would make life so much simpler. But I'm not unwilling to take the hard road for something that's worth it. Happiness and family and friendships and relationships with others are worth it to me.
I've made mistakes in life and I'm sure I make more every day. But my intentions are good, my love and friendship is true, and the people I care about mean the world to me. I don't have any fucking clue where I am going to end up, what I'm going to be doing or what my life will be like six months from now, let alone how my life will turn out in the end. What I do know is how much I love my friends and the people who have supported and pushed and most of all believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Hell, I still don't completely believe in myself. But knowing that they can see something in me that gives them reason to know I can handle anything, even when I feel like I can't, and that they see a reason not to give up on me, helps me more every day in finding that confidence for myself. We're our own biggest critics, right? I wonder if we ever really see ourselves clearly.
They say that you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. I don't really think that's true. The love that I have for these people is sometimes beyond my own comprehension. How could I in my mess of a life deserve people so caring, generous, faithful and amazing? I haven't found a way to love myself yet. The last few weeks are one perfect example of why. But I love the people in my life with all of my heart. And though right now I rely on them too much for my own happiness, I will find a way to get there on my own. Their love and support helps me to see that I'm worth it, and I can be happy and I can love myself simply as who I am. And I think (hope) that then I'll be able to give them any small part of what they have given to me. And that then... I can show everyone (myself included) how strong I've really become.
For now...Thank you for all of the love, the support, the shoulders (virtual or otherwise) to cry on, the advice, for listening, for your honesty and for being a good friend. Sometimes in life I think we have to find a way to take a figurative magic wand and make all the bullshit that distracts us from the good things disappear (Evanesco, my Potter nerds). When you take away outside influences and drama and circumstances and all the other crap life throws at us, that's when you can really see when something is worth something to you. When things are rough try to focus on the good in your life and things that mean the most to you and somehow you'll get through it.
Now, if I can just take my own advice, I'll be set, eh? Thanks for reading...for everything. xx
I'm disappointed in myself because of how I've dealt with some things. Like, I thought that there was a problem with something. I didn't know what and I didn't know why, but I just knew there was something. I'd tried to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that it was okay and in time it would all work out if it was supposed to. But it was hurting me... and I just couldn't get there. So I did what I always do, and I blamed myself, and I tore myself apart about it. Even not knowing what I did, I was sure it had to be me. Even though I couldn't think of a single thing I had done wrong. Because almost overnight something just changed. That doesn't happen without some sort of cause, and I just didn't know. I've been in a similar situation before. And I lost someone who was like a brother to me. And to this day, years later, I have no idea why... It still breaks my heart. I didn't want that to happen again.
We can't let the past and other situations affect how we handle or react to things that happen in our lives. The bottom line is I got scared. Scared of nothing more (and nothing less) than losing a very good friend. Confusion, hurt and a little bit of fear can rock anybody's confidence (and "make" them act or react in ways they normally wouldn't). I'm a person who relies so much on emotions and feelings, and though I hear the words, sometimes actions speak louder. It's hard for me not to take things personally sometimes. I need to remember to have faith in the people I choose to have in my life and trust that they will be open and honest with me. I try to follow my heart in all aspects of my life because I believe that if you follow your heart it'll eventually lead you to what makes you truly happy. It may take a while and you may have to wade through a lot of bullshit to get there, and I'm sure there are some times there may have been some decisions you could have made that would have led you down a different, possibly easier (at least for the moment) path. But I still think that if you don't ultimately follow your heart you can never truly be happy with what you're doing or who you are or anything else. I wish the easiest choices were always the right choices. It would make life so much simpler. But I'm not unwilling to take the hard road for something that's worth it. Happiness and family and friendships and relationships with others are worth it to me.
I've made mistakes in life and I'm sure I make more every day. But my intentions are good, my love and friendship is true, and the people I care about mean the world to me. I don't have any fucking clue where I am going to end up, what I'm going to be doing or what my life will be like six months from now, let alone how my life will turn out in the end. What I do know is how much I love my friends and the people who have supported and pushed and most of all believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Hell, I still don't completely believe in myself. But knowing that they can see something in me that gives them reason to know I can handle anything, even when I feel like I can't, and that they see a reason not to give up on me, helps me more every day in finding that confidence for myself. We're our own biggest critics, right? I wonder if we ever really see ourselves clearly.
They say that you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. I don't really think that's true. The love that I have for these people is sometimes beyond my own comprehension. How could I in my mess of a life deserve people so caring, generous, faithful and amazing? I haven't found a way to love myself yet. The last few weeks are one perfect example of why. But I love the people in my life with all of my heart. And though right now I rely on them too much for my own happiness, I will find a way to get there on my own. Their love and support helps me to see that I'm worth it, and I can be happy and I can love myself simply as who I am. And I think (hope) that then I'll be able to give them any small part of what they have given to me. And that then... I can show everyone (myself included) how strong I've really become.
For now...Thank you for all of the love, the support, the shoulders (virtual or otherwise) to cry on, the advice, for listening, for your honesty and for being a good friend. Sometimes in life I think we have to find a way to take a figurative magic wand and make all the bullshit that distracts us from the good things disappear (Evanesco, my Potter nerds). When you take away outside influences and drama and circumstances and all the other crap life throws at us, that's when you can really see when something is worth something to you. When things are rough try to focus on the good in your life and things that mean the most to you and somehow you'll get through it.
Now, if I can just take my own advice, I'll be set, eh? Thanks for reading...for everything. xx
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tired.
Things don't always work out how you plan for them to, or especially how you want them to. It sucks. Yeah, there's nothing you can do to change it, but it still fucking sucks. It doesn't suck quite as bad as the feeling after, though. Disappointment, confusion, in a way, a bit of loss...
I'm just tired of no part of life going how I hope for it to. It's incredibly disheartening and hard and frankly I'm just so tired of being let down. By anything, not just people. But people too. I'm just tired in general. Tired of life and tired of hurting and tired of always having to deal with crap.
I'm even tired of myself. Like I absolutely can't stand the person that I am right now. And all the efforts I am making to try to improve myself and change the things I dislike do absolutely nothing. I know life is hard and things don't come easily and blah blah blah. I'm tired of the fight though. I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. If it actually got me anywhere that'd be one thing, but it doesn't. I'm still stuck in the same place and in quite a few ways it's actually worse...a lot worse.
I'm just tired. Very tired.
I'm just tired of no part of life going how I hope for it to. It's incredibly disheartening and hard and frankly I'm just so tired of being let down. By anything, not just people. But people too. I'm just tired in general. Tired of life and tired of hurting and tired of always having to deal with crap.
I'm even tired of myself. Like I absolutely can't stand the person that I am right now. And all the efforts I am making to try to improve myself and change the things I dislike do absolutely nothing. I know life is hard and things don't come easily and blah blah blah. I'm tired of the fight though. I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. If it actually got me anywhere that'd be one thing, but it doesn't. I'm still stuck in the same place and in quite a few ways it's actually worse...a lot worse.
I'm just tired. Very tired.
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