What's right isn't always easy.
What's wrong isn't always hard.
Can something be right and wrong at the same time?
What's good isn't always good.
What's bad isn't always bad.
Does the bad really outweigh the good, or does it only seem that way because bad is often more overwhelming than good?
What's right isn't always right.
What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.
Maybe that's why it's necessary to learn to make choices for ourselves and our own well-being.
How do you get over hurting someone?
How do you find faith in your decisions when you don't know if it's right?
What if you fuck up your life?
What if you fuck up someone else's life?
How do you stop worrying about someone else and do for you?
What if something horrible happened, and you had to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life?
I feel so selfish.
If you do what you feel you have to, for yourself, is it right/okay no matter what happens because you were true to yourself?
Is it even about right and wrong?
Gnats are biting me.
I want to fucking kill them.
I just want to relax.
I want the sun to dry my tears.
I want it to soak up my pain.
I want a new day.
I want a new me.
I want hope.
I want strength.
I want to love.
I want to be loved.
I want life.
I want sunshine and laughter and smiles and glitter and ice cream and puppies.
I want. I want. I want.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Waiting vs. Acting
All the time people tell us to dream big, strive to be great. Be a good person, do what makes you happy. But we're also told that things will happen how they're meant to happen in their own time, and that everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even when we don't understand it.
I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.
Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?
If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?
I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?
And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.
I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.
So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.
I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.
Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?
If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?
I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?
And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.
I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.
So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Why...
Why does a match smell so good after you blow it out?
Why does your favorite shirt always get messed up in the wash?
Why is there never a pen around when you need one?
Why does no one ever call until you're in the middle of something?
Why do shortened workweeks always feel the longest?
Why does morning always come too soon, no matter how much you've slept?
Why don't they still make music like they did in the 90's?
Why do I just have to listen to the end of a song before I get out of the car, even though it's on my mp3 player and I can listen to it anytime I want, as many times as I want?
Why do "internet friends" get me better then RL friends most of the time?
Why is the book always better than the movie?
Why can movies you've already seen, and songs you've already heard still make you cry?
Why isn't there someone who makes hard decisions for us when we're older, just like when we're kids?
Why don't good times last forever?
Why do some people feel an obsessive need to make themselves feel important?
Why do amazing things happen at the most inconvenient times?
Why do the best friends have to be so far away?
Why does love find you when you're not looking for it, and evade you when you are?
Why is there a bad outcome when there are all good choices?
Why aren't the head and the heart always on the same team?
Why isn't there a map for life?
Why isn't the right thing always obvious?
Why can't everything be easy?
Why are there so many why's with no answers?
Why does your favorite shirt always get messed up in the wash?
Why is there never a pen around when you need one?
Why does no one ever call until you're in the middle of something?
Why do shortened workweeks always feel the longest?
Why does morning always come too soon, no matter how much you've slept?
Why don't they still make music like they did in the 90's?
Why do I just have to listen to the end of a song before I get out of the car, even though it's on my mp3 player and I can listen to it anytime I want, as many times as I want?
Why do "internet friends" get me better then RL friends most of the time?
Why is the book always better than the movie?
Why can movies you've already seen, and songs you've already heard still make you cry?
Why isn't there someone who makes hard decisions for us when we're older, just like when we're kids?
Why don't good times last forever?
Why do some people feel an obsessive need to make themselves feel important?
Why do amazing things happen at the most inconvenient times?
Why do the best friends have to be so far away?
Why does love find you when you're not looking for it, and evade you when you are?
Why is there a bad outcome when there are all good choices?
Why aren't the head and the heart always on the same team?
Why isn't there a map for life?
Why isn't the right thing always obvious?
Why can't everything be easy?
Why are there so many why's with no answers?
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