Call Me Up If You Want Gangsta...

I absolutely loathe the entire concept of dating. I hate it. I don't wanna do it. It's fake and phony and awkward. Add onto that the fact that I'm ridiculously shy when I don't know people and it's just a mess from the get-go. I don't want to "schedule" dates with random guys I barely know... I don't like to be put on the spot, I get nervous in situations like that. I just do not like it. I thought I could do it and have fun with it, but I don't think I can. It's just too fake and too weird.

I don't want to try to "plan" to meet someone. I want to meet someone and be friends for a while and feelings just develop from that friendship or something. You get together because you have a connection already and because it feels right and whatever, not because someone set you up with someone they work with or know from high school or you met some random on a dating site and you're purposely putting yourself in an awkward situation going to meet someone you've talked to via email who may or may not (probably not) have even been telling the truth or anything even real about themselves. I want to meet someone because they come into my life in some "unplanned" random way, not because I seek out a male non-smoker from the ages of 30-35 that likes long walks on the beach and action movies. I don't wanna deal with the games that are involved with dating. I don't want to get half the information up front and the other surprises later. I don't want to feel like I'm on a job interview. I'm awkward enough in regular life situations and am only made worse if I feel I have to "make" someone like me. I don't think I can handle rejection right now. And I don't want to hurt someone else either if I don't feel anything. It's just AWKWARD.

It's just complicated and weird and intimidating and I don't like it. I want it to be natural, easy, straightforward. The kind of thing where someone has already seen all of your sides, faults and all, and still wants to be your friend and a part of your life. I don't need a man to make me happy but it would be a nice little ray of sunshine in my life right now, not to mention a distraction. And I do feel that even if I don't need to date someone, I do need to meet people. I do need to get out of the house and do something. Not that I'm any less awkward around a bunch of strangers in a club or bar trying to grind on every girl they see than on a date, but still. At least it's less pressure.

I'm frustrated. Irked. Bit discouraged... I guess I just want the easy way. I feel like love should be easy, though. All kinds of love, not just in relationships or whatever. Connecting to people should just happen, not be forced. And I do believe people are in your path for a reason. I guess I'm not crazy about the idea of searching. I know I've got to force myself to get out and about even if I don't necessarily want to, but when I'm so uncomfortable I can't even relax it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going out and letting loose, ya know? I'm probably just not used to it. After all, I've been in one relationship for 6 years, so it's been a while. And even before that I don't think I ever truly "dated" ... It was always just more people I already knew so the awkwardness didn't exist. I guess the first step is meeting new people in general. I just need to figure out what "way" works best for me...

Bah. I could always just go to the clubs in like full-out Star Wars costumes. Princess Leia with the hair buns, eh? I'd certainly weed out the damn Trekkies.... ;)

Xx

Since A Twist of Fate When It All Broke Down...

Frustration. So much freaking frustration. I can't even begin to understand why some things are the way that they are, and that makes me angry. I understand that we're not always supposed to know why certain things happen but I've been struggling a damn long time and I'm ready for some answers. I'm ready for understanding. I'm ready for things to be right again.

I feel as though I have absolutely no control over some things or situations. I literally feel stuck. I feel like if I say something, it will go bad. And if I don't say something, it may or may not already be bad and I'll continue hurting because whatever and however it is is hurtful to me. It's not drama, it's not bullshit. It's sincerely being hurt, and not for anything but it's understandable, too. You can think that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or something out of nothing, but you know that's really not true.

All of the details of things aren't what matters. That's where bullshit comes from. Strip it bare and look at what's left, and you'll see it's simply just a girl who is really hurting. For many reasons, from changes to self-confidence to fear, etc. There is so much that I want to say, and I can't because I'm afraid that that will cause me to lose people. And I don't want that. I'm afraid that I can't express myself correctly and it will sound like nothing but trying to be dramatic or turning a situation into something it's not, which is what's happened before. And that's just not what it is. I just want to let someone know I'm hurt by some things they've said or done...and everything's just so fucked up I can't without worrying about losing the friendship because it gets turned around on me or they act like I'm making up things in my head. It's not about anything or anyone else. It doesn't have to be so complicated. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. How shitty to not even be sure someone cares enough about you that if you went to them they'd listen and understand and not just blow you off. I just don't know anymore.

I know this just sounds like more and more bitching. It's the only outlet I have and it's mainly just general babble anyway, so who even cares anymore? I just feel stuck. Stuck and scared. And I wish I just didn't even care anymore. Maybe that'd make two of us.

Trusting Desire, Starting To Learn, Walking Through Fire Without A Burn...

Things are calm. Serene. I'm finding myself a little on the lonely side today for some reason, but I'm also thankful for the alone time. Too often when I'm by myself or my brain isn't occupied I think too much (about anything) or stress myself out. I didn't sleep at all last night, then got a nap in earlier, so I'm still a bit overtired. But weirdly I just feel...calm. It's odd. Not really a "contentment" (I wish) just kind of a lull sorta. My brain is fairly quiet and that never, EVER happens to me.

I have absolutely no idea why I felt like sharing this. I guess I just have the urge to write but there's nothing really on my mind. I wonder why that happens... Especially when writing is used almost exclusively to vent or deal with certain circumstances that arise. Brains are weird. Sometimes I wish they were more logical, like a math problem with one way to work it, one solution. If they were, maybe people wouldn't get hurt so often.

Or maybe it's not that our brains aren't logical, so much as that our hearts just work differently and for whatever reason hearts are easier to follow. Or maybe that's only if you value instinct, or your gut, or your feelings above all.

When you look at it from an outside perspective it seems kind of stupid to "ignore" (for lack of a better word) logical and listen to things that (can't think of the word I want)...don't have any factual basis? Then again, I guess the logical answer isn't always necessarily the correct or true answer. Plus, our heads can mislead us... Overthinking can drive you crazy, can invent situations that don't even exist, or twist ones that do.

So maybe in that way, our hearts are actually the "smarter" of the two. You can control thoughts, but you can't control feelings or instincts... Does that mean that feelings and instincts are always "right"? That we should always follow them? I guess if it was that cut and dry, things would be much simpler, wouldn't they?

I have no idea what I'm talking about, lol. Oh, the ponderings of a sleep-deprived mind. I wonder if the head and the heart are ever really on the same side. Or maybe it's that when they are, that's when you know absolutely that you're making the right decisions. The parts that are decisions, anyway...

I Don't Know How To Be Something You Miss...

Sometimes I think I finally believe that I am worth it. Worth love, worth time, worth friendship. I believe that I'm a good person, that I work hard, that I care endlessly for the ones I love, that in some small way I make the world just a little bit of a better place.

And then something stupid from someone ELSE can make me doubt that so easily. Someone acts weird toward me, and it's suddenly, "What have I done?" Even when I KNOW I haven't done anything. And I shouldn't even care then. Because if people don't care enough to even take the time to talk to me if something is going on, then they are not worth my time anyway, not really. Friends don't act that way, adults don't act that way. If people are so easy to care so very much for me, and then just walk away like it's nothing, that's their problem, not mine (I guess)... I am the one that hurts. So much. Because I can't figure out why they loved me so easily, and then just dropped me like it's nothing. Why they chose to lie, especially when it wasn't even anywhere close to necessary, because it isn't the lie so much that hurts, as much as that you don't even mean enough to them to be told the truth. You are that meaningless and unimportant. Because I love others easily, too, so much so that my friends are more like family that I have hand-picked to be a part of my life.

Why am I so easy to forget about? Why do people stop caring? Probably because of bullshit like this. I'm not trying to be self-pitying or make others feel sorry for me. I know that I don't handle things as well as I should. I'm just thinking outloud more than anything. Nothing is accomplished inside my head so..this is the only outlet I've got right now.

I may not always be right, but my intentions are always good. I'd never deliberately hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm very, very sorry if I have done so without meaning to.

He Said, She Said...

I'm really, really sick of constantly worrying that I've done something wrong. Because so many people don't know how to just talk to someone if they have a problem anymore. I'm sick of worrying about what I say or how I say it. Perhaps it's nothing more than my own insecurities a lot of times, but frankly I'm tired of having to defend myself because of things other people do or say. I'm tired of being made out to be stupid or a fool by people that are supposed to be my friends, or because there's something I don't know about because it was purposely kept from me. People don't seem to realize that I don't care... I'm actually a pretty easy-going person as long as there's no drama or bullshit. I love my friends, I love people, I love to travel, I love the music, I love new opportunities, and more than almost anything I love to laugh and enjoy. I love it all. I don't understand the act of being fakely nice to someone, I don't understand the need for anyone to act like they're above or better than someone else. My only concern is to live my life, value happiness and love, and live in a way that I can be proud to be who I am.

One day I'm going to get up the nerve to walk away from some people, regardless of how much I care for them, because I know what I deserve, and it's more than this. You can try to turn it on me and say that I'm stupid or crazy, but the reality is that things are the way they are NOT because of me or things that I have done, but because of dishonesty, talking about others behind their backs, and not being up front about or hiding things. Not saying at all that I'm perfect, but I'm always open and honest with others. When you strip it down and it's just me, and not anyone else, it all goes away. Everything gets made out to be more than it is. Everything that someone else says I think or feel, everything that someone else "knows" about me. Just because there are other things or situations in my life, that doesn't mean that they affect anyone currently in my life, or even me for that matter. No one should speak for someone else, no one should assume things about others based on things they hear. And I wish that everyone had enough sense to go to the source if there's something they want to know. Gossip does not benefit any person in any way, ever.

The only thing I want in the entire world right now is to love, and be loved, and to be happy. I love my family, I love my friends. We can't let current circumstances dictate our outcomes or attitudes. Circumstances are temporary, but the choices we make and actions we take are what actually decide how things go or turn out. Perfection is impossible, but I like to believe that intent, kindness, respect and plain caring still count for something nowadays. But maybe it's only appearance and hearsay that matters now. Maybe it doesn't matter how hard you try, you'll just always lose unless you stoop to their level. I don't want to believe that.

But there are a lot of things I don't want to believe that are, unfortunately, still true. I don't think I can be that person, though. Friendship means too much to me.

Sometimes I really wish it didn't.