I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who doesn't love me. Now I also know what it's like to be on the other side...to be loved by someone I don't-can't-love. Of course, he doesn't actually love me, though he thinks he does. He doesn't like the person that I am, and he doesn't love me either. But he thinks he does, and I know that one day he'll realize that. Until then, though... Well, I just know that it sucks.
I've wondered about it before, about which side would be harder or "worse" to be on. I feel bad. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, for any reason. But it's not something that I can control. Even without taking into account all of the circumstances and reasons for feeling the way I do, there's not any way to change it. To say I changed isn't exactly right... I think it would be more accurate to say that I found myself again. For a long time I let go of everything I was and wanted and I became a person that I thought I should be, that someone wanted me to be. Depression was a huge part of it too. With all of it together, I kind of turned into this shell of who I used to be. I lost interest in everything I used to love and focused on nothing but trying to make "our" life a good one, to be what I thought a wife should be. More than anything I wanted to be loved and taken care of, and there were more than a few times that that led to some decisions that were probably not the best.
I tried so hard, for so many years, to try to make things okay. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that if I could just fix myself, everything would be okay. Last summer something happened, something inside of me, that made me remember who I was, what I wanted, and showed me what I needed to be able to get that. And that I deserved everything I want and need. I told him what those things were...and I believe he tried in every way he was capable to try to be that. But just as I shouldn't have to be anyone else, neither should he. Neither should anyone.
One day he said that he had just realized that "maybe things won't work out" and he had to accept that. I didn't know what to do with that. I had always been operating under the assumption, no-the fact, that we were meant to be together, and everything would work out because that's how it was, and that was all there is to it. It rocked my own personal little world to find that uncertainty... To know that wasn't the case, and then think about the situation and everything going on in my life at that time. And I realized that we just weren't supposed to be together. That's why we couldn't make it work - because it wasn't supposed to work. We spent so many years trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. We both deserve to be happy...and the only way for that to happen was and is without each other.
And with the support and love and so many things from the people I am closest to, I found the strength to end something that I used to think would be forever. I realized my worth, I realized what I am capable of. I realized that the person I really am, who for so many years I didn't think I could be, was okay. I have a lot of things I want to work on on myself...but there is nothing wrong with me. I was just in a relationship with someone I wasn't meant to be with. Someone who wasn't meant to be with me.
Maybe there is someone out there especially for me. I don't really know anymore. I just knew I couldn't stay in a situation because I was scared of the "other" choice. Regardless of how my life turns out, I know I made the right decision. And that's without even taking into account all of the other circumstances surrounding it all. There is no question.
It's hard to see a situation where someone is in love with someone who doesn't love them back. Call me a romantic, but I believe in true love and I believe in fate and destiny. Love should never be unrequited...and to know, SEE, for a fact that it very much is and can be... Well, it's just sad to think about. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I hope I find the one who's out there for me... Love enhances everything else there is in life, in my opinion. Regardless, I know now who I am and who I want to be, who I'm capable of being...
And that's all I really know for sure anymore.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
You're So Vain, I'll Bet You Think This Song Is About You, Don't You?
I honestly wonder what happens to some people to make them think that they are so much better than anyone else. It's not even just a feeling of importance (though that's certainly part of it), but they actually think they deserve things more than other people. Mainly attention. Tell me, why should people pay attention to immaturity, or childishness, or obsession? I have dogs. A bunch of them. When you're training dogs, you learn how to deal with attention-seeking behaviour (which is negative). You ignore it. You don't reward it by giving the attention that they want. Eventually they learn the proper way to act and will stop misbehaving in efforts to get (positive or negative) attention from people. Some people, it seems, aren't as smart as dogs are.
Who do I think I am to say anything about the way anyone else acts? I don't think I'm anyone. I'm no one to preach. I'm simply a person (a pretty decent one, I think) voicing my opinion on my personal blog for anyone that chooses to read it. I cannot understand why negative actions are not met with consequences. Who is anyone to think that they are above that? That they can do whatever the hell they want to whoever the hell they want and it doesn't matter? Where does this idea self-importance come from? Every person is important. Every life is important. Just because some people choose to act as though they are better than others (when really, they're probably the most insecure and scared of us all), doesn't mean that that is in fact, true. And in my personal opinion, it actually makes you WORSE than others. People who choose to take negative action or put any kind of negative energy on another person are just low. You NEVER know what someone else is dealing with or going through. For all you know someone could be on the verge of trying to take their own life and one of your snide, bitchy comments could be the thing that makes them believe that, they're right, truly no one in the world gives a shit about them and in fact actually loathes them as much as they loathe theirselves. Would you want to be responsible for that? Seriously? I wouldn't.
This is the last thing I will ever say to you. You are a rude, immature, obsessive child, with some unfounded idea that you are above or more "special" than anyone else in this world. When in reality, you're a mean loser who can't take a hint, with no real friends, because you don't know how to treat people appropriately, leaving you looking like the ignorant, crazy asshole that you choose to be. Your CHOICES are what make you who you are and I hope that one day you will realize exactly how awful you are and I hope people are strong enough not to let you hurt them until you get there, if you ever get there. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It's not like it really matters though, because you'll think you're above anything I say anyway. Good luck to you.
Everyone else in my world, I adore you and thank you for being part of my life. Love love love. Xx
Who do I think I am to say anything about the way anyone else acts? I don't think I'm anyone. I'm no one to preach. I'm simply a person (a pretty decent one, I think) voicing my opinion on my personal blog for anyone that chooses to read it. I cannot understand why negative actions are not met with consequences. Who is anyone to think that they are above that? That they can do whatever the hell they want to whoever the hell they want and it doesn't matter? Where does this idea self-importance come from? Every person is important. Every life is important. Just because some people choose to act as though they are better than others (when really, they're probably the most insecure and scared of us all), doesn't mean that that is in fact, true. And in my personal opinion, it actually makes you WORSE than others. People who choose to take negative action or put any kind of negative energy on another person are just low. You NEVER know what someone else is dealing with or going through. For all you know someone could be on the verge of trying to take their own life and one of your snide, bitchy comments could be the thing that makes them believe that, they're right, truly no one in the world gives a shit about them and in fact actually loathes them as much as they loathe theirselves. Would you want to be responsible for that? Seriously? I wouldn't.
This is the last thing I will ever say to you. You are a rude, immature, obsessive child, with some unfounded idea that you are above or more "special" than anyone else in this world. When in reality, you're a mean loser who can't take a hint, with no real friends, because you don't know how to treat people appropriately, leaving you looking like the ignorant, crazy asshole that you choose to be. Your CHOICES are what make you who you are and I hope that one day you will realize exactly how awful you are and I hope people are strong enough not to let you hurt them until you get there, if you ever get there. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It's not like it really matters though, because you'll think you're above anything I say anyway. Good luck to you.
Everyone else in my world, I adore you and thank you for being part of my life. Love love love. Xx
Friday, April 8, 2011
Maybe This Is Wishful Thinking, Probably Mindless Dreaming...
There are certain things in life that should be free. Things that no one profits on, that everyone just gets. Or can get at an average, set price. Water, basic foods, basic clothing. Even homes, health insurance, transportation. Even if there was a standard and everything was the same. People with means could always "upgrade" if they felt the need, but at least everyone would have the basics. No one would be hungry, no one would be homeless. Some people probably don't consider the same things to be necessities as others, but certain things keep us alive and allow life around us (schools, jobs, medical facilities, etc.) to continue functioning day after day. Everyone should have an opportunity to live.
When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...
Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.
I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.
Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.
It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.
I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.
A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.
Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.
Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.
Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.
When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...
Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.
I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.
Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.
It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.
I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.
A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.
Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.
Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.
Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.
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