Something's Gone Terribly Wrong...

Sometimes it feels like my life isn't "real life" .. like I'm looking in on someone else's life or watching a movie or something.

Sometimes I wish that was actually the case. It would mean the pain that comes with different events in life isn't real to me, and I could separate from it, look on it from an outside perspective instead of feeling it so intensely. I've had people tell me that I'm so empathetic (sometimes I think pathetic is the key word) that I feel others' feelings almost as if they were my own, which is why I care so much about the people I love being happy. But it shouldn't be at the expense or instead of my own happiness. And I feel everything much deeper than I care to. The good and the bad.

The anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching... I'm not doing so well. You'd think after 4 years it'd be a little easier. And maybe in some ways it is, I guess. But I still don't know how to deal with the...ache I feel in my heart. I don't know how else to describe it.

I thought I was on the right track, but I don't know. Hopefully I can get back on. I feel so weak and pathetic and stupid when things take me over. And I'm sorry to the people who are close to me for when this happens, and don't tell me not to apologize because it really upsets me and I feel terrible. I know it hurts you to see me hurting... I'm trying really hard to be strong and rise above everything. I really am. And I'm truly sorry that I'm struggling so much.

But I love you. Eventually maybe I'll be stronger. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith again. I feel lost and sad and hurt. I don't know how to finish grieving and stop feeling that loss every single day. I don't know how to walk away from things that hurt because they're also things that make me happy. That doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. I wish that I could totally wipe the slate clean; clear of all this loss and hurt and anything else and start totally fresh, and I just don't know how to do it and make the pain go away. How do you stop hurting when the reason you hurt is you miss someone who can never, ever come back?

I don't think I really know the answer to anything anymore to be honest. I've lost myself.

Painful truth is better than a peaceful lie.

Things can't let us down if we don't let them build up.

I'm deflated and discouraged.

I hate myself for it.

I wish I could figure it out.

Oh well.

Sleep evades me.

Again.

I Am Alone At A Crossroads...

I'm not sure how to start this post, haha... I know what I want to say but I don't know how to start. I guess I'll just try and jump right in..

I feel like I've really turned a corner this week. Nothing really happened so to speak, it's kind of just like a switch flipped in my head. I decided I'm just... I'm just sick of myself. I'm sick of being sad and I'm sick of feeling bad for myself. I decided that I feel this way because I allow myself to... I have to make a conscious decision to flat-out not allow the things that get me down to get to me. To be honest I'm not sure it's completely possible, but I feel confident right now so I'm goin' with it LOL...

My perspective has changed on some things going on in my life and I feel a little less stressed about them. I also just kind of decided to focus on anything good and be content with what is. I don't like the way that some people look at or portray me, and I realize how much of that is based on things I've said or done. And I don't want that. The person that I am, truly, is not who I've been for the last 6 months. I had this huge epiphany about myself last summer and between doubt and insecurity and pain... I lost myself. Basically I think it was because I allowed circumstances to take me over. Instead of continuing on my path to become the person I want and need to be, I let the actions of other people and events that are out of my control make me lose focus on all the good that I'd found, in my life and the people in it, and within myself. Although some things are not exactly as I want them to be, I have a great life. And even if some things are bad, or hurt, they're not going to affect me forever. Even if it feels like it, they won't.

I was thinking the other day about how some things that happen seem like the biggest deal ever at the time that they happen... And now looking back on them they're practically like...not only insignificant but in some cases they could have never even happened and today, it wouldn't even matter, things would be exactly the same. It's just kind of funny.

Anyway, I know this is really just a bunch of babble and it probably doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I just felt like sharing. I don't know for sure I'll be able to continue in this mindset but I feel really good about it right now. Things aren't perfect but they never will be - nothing is ever really perfect. The only thing that I can control about my life is myself, my actions and my reactions. I don't have to allow things to take over my life just because they hurt me... I'm stronger than that, I just have to remember it.

Life isn't worth living if we don't enjoy it. Even if things aren't okay, they will be. There will always be hurt and pain, but it doesn't have to rule our lives. It doesn't change who we are, it just makes things hard for a little while. I'm tired of being the girl who's always upset, complaining, crying...that's not me. And I'm not gonna do it anymore. I miss the person I know I am... Circumstances aren't going to rule my life anymore.

X

Insecurity... :(

Do you ever feel like there's some secret that everyone is in on except for you? Or that you're like on display or something? That's how I feel... I feel like people are saying things about me and judging me and in fact I know it's true to some extent, but I don't understand why. I'm not a perfect person and I have a LOT of ways that I can improve myself, and I'm truly trying to make those changes. I am too needy of affection and love. I know that I am insecure and I read into things too much sometimes, but I can't help but feel like I've done something and I don't know what. In regard to a few different situations.

I really haven't even talked much to anyone lately in depth so I don't even know what reason there is to talk about me. I probably sound conceited or like I think I'm so important to think people even care about me enough to talk about me, but I can't shake the feeling. And I just don't know the cause. It shouldn't bother me if people don't like me but more than that, it's upsetting to think that I've done something to hurt someone somehow and don't even know it. That really bothers me.

If anything I think I am TOO honest and/or share too much, but only about myself, and I don't talk badly about people and I don't gossip and I don't share things that aren't mine to share. I'm not a bad person, I'm not a liar. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. Something happens and people just stop talking to me without a word or any explanation, and because of things that have happened in the past, I'm extremely hurt by it. (There is one person with whom this has happened and this is definitely not about them; they're not worth even a second of anyone's time.) Besides the fact that a person or people don't want to associate with me anymore, I don't even know the reason, and I'm not worth enough to them to talk to me about it. If I ever hurt or offend or disrespect someone I would obviously want the opportunity to correct and/or apologize for what I've done, intentional or not. I'm not a malicious person and I don't wish bad on anyone. I just don't understand.

Maybe talking/writing about myself somehow causes drama around me. My intent has always just been to try and be better, to try and heal by getting thoughts out of my head and into a space where I can try and make sense of things. I didn't have any intent to affect anyone else nor do I intend to try and "reach" anyone when I write, this blog isn't even about any specific person or thing going on. I simply write to try and get it out of my brain that never seems to stop, nothing to do with anyone else. I'd never want to do anything to hurt or harm anyone. And I've no idea what I could've done so bad that I'm not even worth enough to talk to me about it rather than just write me off. I'm too sensitive, but I am who I am. That's all. I'm sorry for it.

I Don't Wanna Be A Book of Endings...

I'm incredibly frustrated. I feel like some things in my life right now are some sort of big joke. Kinda like someone's sitting and laughing at me... Like I'm naive and stupid.

I'm sick of letting people hurt me just because I love them too much to get them out of my life. Friendship has always been huge in my life; I didn't have my parents around a lot when I was younger so my friends have always been more like family to me. It's not fair that people take advantage of me and it's not fair that people make judgments on me, especially based on inaccurate information, when I don't even deserve it. Like... I'm fucking done with this shit. I'm sick of people treating me like shit I guess just because they can. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am worth more than certain situations I have in my life. And I don't know how to stop caring and letting them hurt me. Because I'm too scared of losing them to stand up for myself. I know you just thought, "But if you'd lose them for that they're not worth it anyway" or "if they hurt you over and over, they don't deserve you or your friendship anyway". I get that, and though I don't completely agree, it's a moot point because I don't know how to stop caring and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying so damn hard and I just don't know.

I don't want to lose anyone because they're important to me. Whether or not they deserve my time and friendship, the fact remains that I can't change my feelings, I can't just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone. And I love the people in my life. I've lost enough people that I value, my friends mean the world to me, I don't want to lose anyone else. I've dealt with so much loss... The thought of more just breaks my heart.

I know that I am the answer to this. I am the only one I can change, and I'm the one letting people hurt me and not treat me like a friend should be treated. I know that I deserve better than that. And I don't think any of these people do it intentionally. I just feel stuck. I don't want to keep getting sad and hurt, and I don't want to lose people that I really care about. And although I know that I need to let them go regardless because I don't deserve some things, I don't know how to stop caring, to stop wanting them in my life. I don't know how to forget the reasons we became friends to begin with.

I think this goes back to something that happened a few years ago... Sometimes I feel like people find it really easy to just stop caring about me, like it's so easy for them to just drop me and move on with their lives without even a second thought. I just can't seem to figure out how to do that, and it makes me feel weak, and stupid, and...worthless. I can't change anyone else, I can only change me and what I allow and how I react. I can't complain about someone or something hurting me over and over when I don't just rid my life of those negative influences and therefore continue to allow it. Things and people that are already in my heart, regardless of their current actions (or non-actions), I don't know how to get them out.

How do you just stop caring? How do you find the strength to let go of friendships you love and value? I think it's the hope that at some point they'll go back to the person you met and cared for to begin with. But that may never happen. Unfortunately people don't always show their true selves at the beginning. It makes me feel stupid for believing them, though. Like in some ways I feel very naive, just because I want to believe the best in people, and I want to believe that everyone will be as up front and honest about things as I am. But that's not realistic anymore. It's just not.

I'm so sick of rudeness, and lies, and people talking badly about me with things that aren't even true. I'm tired of being judged by people who think they know me, that make inaccurate assumptions without even actually getting to know me. I wish my friends would stick up for me when people make up stories about me, or even just have wrong ideas. I wish I was important enough to them that they'd tell people who I really am. I wish I was important enough in general. Or I wish I didn't care anymore. Yeah. Mostly I wish I didn't care.

I'm so pathetic, I know. I'm truly trying as hard as I can to be a stronger person, and I'm not making excuses for myself. I just feel lost, I feel like I'm losing hope. Everytime I think I'm getting ahead even the smallest bit, something knocks me on my ass, and I'm so discouraged because it feels like any progress I've made is just gone. It's just been a very hard few months...okay, or like 6 months. I know I'm stronger than I feel and I know that things could very easily be much worse than they are.

I just... I just want to be happy. That's seriously all I want in life. That probably sounds pathetic too; I don't have any big dreams or huge things that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a good, comfortable life and be happy. Again, that's probably pretty pathetic to people who have huge dreams and goals in life, but it is what it is... I don't need to be the headliner. I've struggled in many ways over the 26 years of my life, and I know what I value. Family, love, friendship. I don't have to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want a job that means something to me, for whatever reason. I want to be able to pick up and travel and see new places often. And I want to do it with people I love.

I just want to be happy. I'm trying to be patient and do what I can to make things the best that I can. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and surrounding myself with good people, who care for me very much. I'm just struggling. Doesn't mean I'm giving up and life isn't easy... Just struggling, and a little lost... But I'm working on it. Doing the best I can. And right now, that's all I can do.

Irony. Sometimes, it's not cute, it's not funny, it's not fucking anything. Except bullshit.

Bullshit like the words that people say that aren't even true. No one cares about lying to someone else anymore. When did rudeness and lying and bullshit become acceptable? I thought that standards existed that everyone aspired to in order to try and be a "good person." Apparently though, I was wrong. People can do anything to anyone and not miss a single step on their happy little path toward wherever. Doesn't matter who they step on or push out of the way; there are no such things as consequences. It doesn't matter if anyone else gets hurt. I'm sick of it. I'm disappointed in humanity and the (lack of) standards people live and treat others by. Few are an exception anymore.

You don't just treat people like shit because you can. Eventually they'll have enough of being treated badly. You'll see that you can't just have people in your life when you feel like it or need something, and ignore them otherwise. Maybe then you'll realize how wrong you were. But maybe not. I have no clue.

I thought you were better than that. I'm disappointed.

I Followed The Voice You Gave To Me...

It's very difficult to work so hard for something, in every way you know how really, and to never seem to be able to make any progress. It's very discouraging. I've realized that's what my problem is. When something happens that knocks me off my feet and I fall, it makes me feel like I haven't actually made any improvement and I'm right back where I started, which devastates me and every single even slightly imperfect thing or situation in my life is suddenly overwhelmingly awful. Obviously this isn't completely the case as I've learned a lot from many of the things I've been through; it's just disheartening to think you're getting somewhere to find or feel like you're in the same place. And when it just spirals into every aspect of my life, I tear myself apart...

I've been trying very hard to stop focusing on the negative. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do it. I have no idea why I am this way..and frankly I still don't know how to change it. I know what and who I want to be, but I don't know how to make it happen. I know it has to come from me. How do you take the strength that you know you have somewhere deep down and bring it to the surface? How do you make yourself believe in you again?

I've been trying to figure out specifically what it was that led me to the changes last summer. I suddenly found myself knowing what I wanted, how to get it, and that I actually did deserve it. For the first time in years, I knew that the person that I am is okay. Of course there are things I'd like to improve or change about myself, but I knew that my faults are not what define me. There is no perfect person; it's about acknowledging those flaws, changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. And focusing on the good qualities that you possess. Something made me lose that belief in myself... The belief that I am worth it, I am special, I am okay as who I am. I think I felt like the people who believed in me most and gave me the most support didn't believe in me or even care about me anymore, or that they had decided I wasn't good enough after all... I know I have to find it in myself, I cannot rely on others for that. However, it's difficult when you're trying to build yourself up, finding that self-worth, making your life what you want to make it... Not to lose faith in yourself when someone else does, when everything is so new. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else or not. It's just difficult to go from years of believing you're not worth anything to, well, anything else. Difficult, but not impossible. There are a lot of things we WANT to hear, but that doesn't mean we NEED to hear them. It's easy to forget that. Confidence, faith, strength, love for yourself, all comes from within. It feels great for someone to tell you that you're beautiful, but your vision or idea of yourself shouldn't rely on hearing that. You should know what you are and be proud of it without "needing" to hear it from the mouth of another.

I'm rambling. I just want to get back on track. I want to get back into the mindset that I was in this summer... I want to get back that faith in myself that I can't seem to find anymore. I'm working on it every day.

I was going to delete some of the past blogs that I've posted here... I'm a bit torn. This blog has been an outlet just for me, I don't write it for anyone else specifically to read. Feedback and hearing that people care is wonderful, but I don't do it for anyone else. I've worried many times that I share too much, that some things are too personal to be posted on my blog, as even though it is personal, it's certainly far from private being on the internet. I'm not a poetic or "artistic" sort of writer in any way; the topics, in my opinion, even if not blatant, that I write about are generally not difficult to recognize. Some of you have said that some of my posts have helped you, even if only to know that you are not alone in certain ways you think or feel. For that reason I've decided to leave them. I think I'll be more careful with what I post in the future, and I'll assume that everyone reads what I write (rather than thinking "so-and-so won't read this anyway, they don't follow my blog") because realistically I really never know who is seeing it. It's written for me, to let things out and to try to make sense of life, and for anyone that actually does benefit from my words for any reason at all. I hope I'm not wrong to continue.

Thank you to the people who haven't given up on me, even when I give up on myself, and feel I don't have any will or reason to go on with anything anymore. I'm sorry for those days... I want to rid my life of them permanently. Until I do...just thank you. And I'm sorry there's anyone I've hurt.

Edit: I did delete a few past blogs that I've realized were very misunderstood. I don't care what strangers think about me but I do care about what those who know me think. Perception can be a shitty thing, when it leads to incorrect assumptions. That's all I can say.