This is a story about a girl.
One summer in the south, this girl met a boy at a mutual friend's birthday party at a club. This boy was a few years older than she was. In fact, she was 17 with a fake ID. They exchanged numbers at the party and started talking. She developed a little crush, and much to her delight a few weeks later he asked her out. It occured to her that he may not know that she was 17; they'd met at the club and the topic of age had never come up. All of her friends were older and so she never thought about it. She told him that she'd love to go out with him, but wanted to make sure that he knew she was still 17 (for about another 7 months). He hadn't known, and said they should probably put it off and revisit later on if they wanted to. This made her sad but she understood.
They continued talking from time to time, though not as regularly as before. A couple of months later, they were on vacation again with friends. While everyone was out the first night, he kissed her. He stayed with her that night, though nothing happened (okay, there was a lot of kissing, but that's it). When they returned back home, he became distant. He apologized and said he liked her but that that shouldn't have happened...technically she was underage and though above the age of consent or whatever, it couldn't happen then. He was sorry.
Months went by and they talked from time to time but didn't hang out again. The following summer, he invited her and her friend over to hang out with a few people one night and they did. It was casual, but she realized that, despite her best efforts, she still liked him. A few days later, he invited her to a party at his place. As the night wound down, there were only a few people still around and eventually, he kissed her again. She stayed with him that night, but again, nothing happened (nothing could). But, this began a series of "hook ups" for lack of a better word.
An important part of the story, I suppose, is that this girl was a virgin. Not only was she a virgin, but frankly she really hadn't done much of anything with a guy up to that point. She really hadn't dated anyone. He was well aware of this. They "hooked up" "exclusively" for about a month. They talked about it a lot and she felt comfortable with him, and knew they liked each other. After a month, they finally "went all the way." She was happy. He was incredibly sweet. Everything seemed great.
A few days later she left for college a couple of hours away. They talked throughout the week and he asked her to come see him but being her first week of classes, she couldn't get away. Another week went by and he became distant again. When she asked him what was up, he said he had just started dating someone. He had known her a while and it just happened. He didn't mean to lead the girl on. The timing was bad. He was sorry.
It sucked. She didn't understand why it had happened that way. Was she just a challenge to him? She was sad, humiliated, rejected... Hurt.
Some things stay with you always. Even if just a little.
The End.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Mumble Jumble...
In life sometimes things come into our lives that change us. I'm not even talking about just like making us feel good or momentarily happy or even sad. Some things literally somehow change who we are. Or maybe the correct way to say it is that they make us realize who we are, who we truly are or can be... It's like a switch inside of us gets flipped and suddenly we're in an entirely new world. Well, it's still our world, but how we see it has completely changed.
I believe these things or people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe I'm just naive and/or a dreamer and/or a hopeless romantic and/or just plain unrealistic; but I believe in fate, destiny, even true love. I want to. Doesn't everyone? If it's all true it means that anything that's "meant to be" in your life will happen no matter what. You'll end up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to do, with whoever you're supposed to be there with. So you essentially can't make mistakes (for lack of a better word) so severe that it won't work out because it's supposed to be a certain way and will be no matter what.... Eventually.
What if it doesn't "fit" with what we want, or at least think we want, now? Would that mean things we're working on/for could be nothing more than a complete waste of time? Or actually I guess if all those things exist then it's all part of what leads to where you're ultimately supposed to be anyway, right? I find this incredibly frustrating. I wish that we could know our right paths and where we'll end up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the excitement of life and I believe in living life for what you truly want or need. But if there's some ultimate destiny out there already "set" no matter what we do, I just want to be there already. I don't like wasting time or putting things off, especially good things. If everything happens for a reason then it happens for a reason...trying to ignore it because it's inconvenient or you don't want it right now seems to be a waste to me. Why put off anything that could be part of your happiness? If it's really supposed to be then it's essentially part of everything else that makes you happy too. And that would also mean there's a reason whatever it is it happened when it did.
And if it all is real, are there some people that "destined" to be unhappy? Or is the whole idea behind fate/destiny that everyone will ultimately find happiness, in whatever form? Or is it just that "everything will end up how it's supposed to". That is not necessarily positive. Can we work our whole lives for what we feel makes us happy only to find we were never supposed to be to begin with? Is there actually any such thing as free will or would that mean even our "decisions" are somehow predetermined? Or is it just that no matter what we do it doesn't matter because life will still be however it's supposed to be anyway?
What if none of it's real anyway? In a way that's almost more comforting. Then life would be completely based on what we do and accomplish and our choices. We could just do whatever we want because life would just be however it was. We'd know if we pass up on an "opportunity" that it's fine and we can forget about it completely and move on because we don't have to wonder or worry if it was a huge mistake or if it's going to come back into our lives to have to deal with again later on because it's "supposed" to. You wouldn't have to debate whether to end a relationship you're unsure about because they could be "The One" because there'd be no such thing as "The One". You wouldn't have to wonder about the reason behind things because there wouldn't be some overall "master plan" it was all shaping into, it'd just be life happening and that's how it is, no deeper meaning.
Maybe there isn't a master plan. Maybe there is no "One". Maybe it's all only in the movies. I guess the only thing that really matters anyway is that there's no way to know, either way. There's no "proof" to one side or the other, I think that's what I find frustrating. It's why I have a hard time with certain parts of history or a lot of things about religion...I dunno. How can you know for sure the right things to do in life? You can't. I dislike uncertainty. I guess all we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the information we're given and hope that we're able to make our own happiness, or that our "destiny" (if it exists) shows itself before too long.
I guess it's a win-win... I'm just impatient. This is gibberish.
I believe these things or people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe I'm just naive and/or a dreamer and/or a hopeless romantic and/or just plain unrealistic; but I believe in fate, destiny, even true love. I want to. Doesn't everyone? If it's all true it means that anything that's "meant to be" in your life will happen no matter what. You'll end up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to do, with whoever you're supposed to be there with. So you essentially can't make mistakes (for lack of a better word) so severe that it won't work out because it's supposed to be a certain way and will be no matter what.... Eventually.
What if it doesn't "fit" with what we want, or at least think we want, now? Would that mean things we're working on/for could be nothing more than a complete waste of time? Or actually I guess if all those things exist then it's all part of what leads to where you're ultimately supposed to be anyway, right? I find this incredibly frustrating. I wish that we could know our right paths and where we'll end up. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the excitement of life and I believe in living life for what you truly want or need. But if there's some ultimate destiny out there already "set" no matter what we do, I just want to be there already. I don't like wasting time or putting things off, especially good things. If everything happens for a reason then it happens for a reason...trying to ignore it because it's inconvenient or you don't want it right now seems to be a waste to me. Why put off anything that could be part of your happiness? If it's really supposed to be then it's essentially part of everything else that makes you happy too. And that would also mean there's a reason whatever it is it happened when it did.
And if it all is real, are there some people that "destined" to be unhappy? Or is the whole idea behind fate/destiny that everyone will ultimately find happiness, in whatever form? Or is it just that "everything will end up how it's supposed to". That is not necessarily positive. Can we work our whole lives for what we feel makes us happy only to find we were never supposed to be to begin with? Is there actually any such thing as free will or would that mean even our "decisions" are somehow predetermined? Or is it just that no matter what we do it doesn't matter because life will still be however it's supposed to be anyway?
What if none of it's real anyway? In a way that's almost more comforting. Then life would be completely based on what we do and accomplish and our choices. We could just do whatever we want because life would just be however it was. We'd know if we pass up on an "opportunity" that it's fine and we can forget about it completely and move on because we don't have to wonder or worry if it was a huge mistake or if it's going to come back into our lives to have to deal with again later on because it's "supposed" to. You wouldn't have to debate whether to end a relationship you're unsure about because they could be "The One" because there'd be no such thing as "The One". You wouldn't have to wonder about the reason behind things because there wouldn't be some overall "master plan" it was all shaping into, it'd just be life happening and that's how it is, no deeper meaning.
Maybe there isn't a master plan. Maybe there is no "One". Maybe it's all only in the movies. I guess the only thing that really matters anyway is that there's no way to know, either way. There's no "proof" to one side or the other, I think that's what I find frustrating. It's why I have a hard time with certain parts of history or a lot of things about religion...I dunno. How can you know for sure the right things to do in life? You can't. I dislike uncertainty. I guess all we can do is make the best decisions for ourselves with the information we're given and hope that we're able to make our own happiness, or that our "destiny" (if it exists) shows itself before too long.
I guess it's a win-win... I'm just impatient. This is gibberish.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Every Action Has An Equal & Opposite Reaction...
I think it's difficult for (many) people to not complain or pity themselves when they are in a bad or crappy situation. Speaking for me, I know that when I let myself get down (because no one/nothing can make us feel or be any way unless we allow it to) that I want to vent and whine and complain about how bad it is. The thing is that more than likely, there's someone, somewhere who is going through or dealing with something much worse than what I am. Something may feel like the end of (my) world and sometimes I feel like I have nothing left in myself to live for. Learning how to deal with stressful situations and how to cope with bad things in life that we have no control over is something that I think you have to do with experience. And for some of us it's obviously harder than others, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. And actually it doesn't mean we're weak. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. You have to find a way to grow and learn; if you continue to do what you've always done, you'll always end up with the same results.
If you have deliberately done something to put yourself in a situation... suck it up and deal with it like an adult. Take responsibility for your actions and don't try to find someone who will take pity on you so you can justify something to yourself or make yourself feel better. We can ask for forgiveness but unfortunately it doesn't mean it has to be given. Sometimes it just can't be forgiven... That's life. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The difference, in my opinion, is that there are mistakes and then there are actions that directly reflect your character and your morals and your values in life. Basically, things we do are a huge part of what defines us. We can say a lot of things but if our actions don't reflect that or are the complete opposite, then what do words really mean? You can be upset if people lose their trust in you or their respect for you and/or don't want to have you in their lives -- no one has any right to tell you how you can or can't feel about something. But remember that they also have every right to feel how they do and also that those feelings are a direct effect of actions that you took or things that you said or did. And just because someone may not be directly involved in a situation doesn't mean they can't also be hurt or have an opinion about it.
Unrelated situationally, but sort of related I suppose... Someone said to me recently, "How does anything anyone else thinks ever actually affect me?" I have never thought before about just how true that is. Obviously it can be upsetting if someone doesn't like us or doesn't agree with decisions we make or things we do or anything else. I absolutely hate it if people don't like me. But why do I need their acceptance? What makes them so special that my happiness (for lack of a better word) should be based off of their opinion of me? There is no reason. I have amazing people in my life and those people are with me for some reason(s) and that's something that I know I need to remember. Sometimes other people can see things within us that we can't, for whatever reason. Judgment is a part of life; someone, somewhere will always be judging us in some way. It's about living with yourself and coming to terms with your actions and words and life experiences. The things we do will always be a part of and a reflection of us, good or bad. Some will stand out more than others, good or bad. Some won't matter five years from now and some will. I try to live my life with respect, honesty, compassion, kindness and love. We all falter at some point to some extent. There are, however, certain things I know I will never do and certain lines that I will never cross. The past is the past and there is absolutely no way to change it, so it's not worth dwelling on. If you did something shitty - doesn't matter, you can't go back and change it. But you can continue to be the person who did it or you can become a better person. You can't change the past or make it go away, but your future is (at least partially) within your control. What you choose to do is on you.
To an extent I think we're defined by our lives up to this point, at least outwardly as far as how other people see us. I want people to see me in a positive light, but I am at least content within myself with how I've lived my life and how I continue to try live my life, with the things that I value and want and do etc. etc. That's not to say I haven't made any mistakes because I most definitely have. I mean that I've come to terms with decisions I've made and things I've done for myself. No one is responsible for my life except for me. I was unhappy with my life and myself. I could decide to work to change it and make it better or I could pity myself and continue to look to others to give me "happiness" that in reality can only come from me. I haven't gotten to where I need/want to be yet, but I'm working on it and figuring it out. The responsibility is mine and mine alone. Others can support us and help us up when we fall but it ultimately comes down to only ourselves. It comes down to me.
X
If you have deliberately done something to put yourself in a situation... suck it up and deal with it like an adult. Take responsibility for your actions and don't try to find someone who will take pity on you so you can justify something to yourself or make yourself feel better. We can ask for forgiveness but unfortunately it doesn't mean it has to be given. Sometimes it just can't be forgiven... That's life. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The difference, in my opinion, is that there are mistakes and then there are actions that directly reflect your character and your morals and your values in life. Basically, things we do are a huge part of what defines us. We can say a lot of things but if our actions don't reflect that or are the complete opposite, then what do words really mean? You can be upset if people lose their trust in you or their respect for you and/or don't want to have you in their lives -- no one has any right to tell you how you can or can't feel about something. But remember that they also have every right to feel how they do and also that those feelings are a direct effect of actions that you took or things that you said or did. And just because someone may not be directly involved in a situation doesn't mean they can't also be hurt or have an opinion about it.
Unrelated situationally, but sort of related I suppose... Someone said to me recently, "How does anything anyone else thinks ever actually affect me?" I have never thought before about just how true that is. Obviously it can be upsetting if someone doesn't like us or doesn't agree with decisions we make or things we do or anything else. I absolutely hate it if people don't like me. But why do I need their acceptance? What makes them so special that my happiness (for lack of a better word) should be based off of their opinion of me? There is no reason. I have amazing people in my life and those people are with me for some reason(s) and that's something that I know I need to remember. Sometimes other people can see things within us that we can't, for whatever reason. Judgment is a part of life; someone, somewhere will always be judging us in some way. It's about living with yourself and coming to terms with your actions and words and life experiences. The things we do will always be a part of and a reflection of us, good or bad. Some will stand out more than others, good or bad. Some won't matter five years from now and some will. I try to live my life with respect, honesty, compassion, kindness and love. We all falter at some point to some extent. There are, however, certain things I know I will never do and certain lines that I will never cross. The past is the past and there is absolutely no way to change it, so it's not worth dwelling on. If you did something shitty - doesn't matter, you can't go back and change it. But you can continue to be the person who did it or you can become a better person. You can't change the past or make it go away, but your future is (at least partially) within your control. What you choose to do is on you.
To an extent I think we're defined by our lives up to this point, at least outwardly as far as how other people see us. I want people to see me in a positive light, but I am at least content within myself with how I've lived my life and how I continue to try live my life, with the things that I value and want and do etc. etc. That's not to say I haven't made any mistakes because I most definitely have. I mean that I've come to terms with decisions I've made and things I've done for myself. No one is responsible for my life except for me. I was unhappy with my life and myself. I could decide to work to change it and make it better or I could pity myself and continue to look to others to give me "happiness" that in reality can only come from me. I haven't gotten to where I need/want to be yet, but I'm working on it and figuring it out. The responsibility is mine and mine alone. Others can support us and help us up when we fall but it ultimately comes down to only ourselves. It comes down to me.
X
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friendship... Is When Being In The Same Place Matters More Than What You Do There.
Every day in all aspects of life, things happen around us that we have no control over. There isn't anything that can change that. What we have control over is our own actions and reactions and how we "choose" to handle things. I use " " because at this time in my life, no matter how much I try or how much I want to, I can't seem to figure out exactly how to control those things about myself. Ultimately it absolutely falls down to me and what I do or say, I would never say otherwise and I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. The fact that I worry too much (about everything) and that my brain works overtime 24/7 sucks...it's the way I am right now and I have to accept that. But I am working on trying to remember to relax and let things happen as they happen and stop worrying so much about tomorrow or the day after or the day after. I'm a planner. I always have been and with my OCD to a certain point that will never change. What I need to learn is how to let it go when things don't go as planned and not let it completely fuck up my day. It's okay to have high expectations in life, that's part of what makes things exciting I think. But it's important to keep in mind that (most) things don't work out exactly how you plan for them to, and there's only so much that you can do. Life will always throw you curve balls. That's a given. We can choose to let them fuck up our lives or we can choose to take a deep breath, find a Plan B and make the best of what we're given, and strive to love what we are, who we are, where we are, what we're doing, etc, etc. Because it just is what it is.
I'm disappointed in myself because of how I've dealt with some things. Like, I thought that there was a problem with something. I didn't know what and I didn't know why, but I just knew there was something. I'd tried to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that it was okay and in time it would all work out if it was supposed to. But it was hurting me... and I just couldn't get there. So I did what I always do, and I blamed myself, and I tore myself apart about it. Even not knowing what I did, I was sure it had to be me. Even though I couldn't think of a single thing I had done wrong. Because almost overnight something just changed. That doesn't happen without some sort of cause, and I just didn't know. I've been in a similar situation before. And I lost someone who was like a brother to me. And to this day, years later, I have no idea why... It still breaks my heart. I didn't want that to happen again.
We can't let the past and other situations affect how we handle or react to things that happen in our lives. The bottom line is I got scared. Scared of nothing more (and nothing less) than losing a very good friend. Confusion, hurt and a little bit of fear can rock anybody's confidence (and "make" them act or react in ways they normally wouldn't). I'm a person who relies so much on emotions and feelings, and though I hear the words, sometimes actions speak louder. It's hard for me not to take things personally sometimes. I need to remember to have faith in the people I choose to have in my life and trust that they will be open and honest with me. I try to follow my heart in all aspects of my life because I believe that if you follow your heart it'll eventually lead you to what makes you truly happy. It may take a while and you may have to wade through a lot of bullshit to get there, and I'm sure there are some times there may have been some decisions you could have made that would have led you down a different, possibly easier (at least for the moment) path. But I still think that if you don't ultimately follow your heart you can never truly be happy with what you're doing or who you are or anything else. I wish the easiest choices were always the right choices. It would make life so much simpler. But I'm not unwilling to take the hard road for something that's worth it. Happiness and family and friendships and relationships with others are worth it to me.
I've made mistakes in life and I'm sure I make more every day. But my intentions are good, my love and friendship is true, and the people I care about mean the world to me. I don't have any fucking clue where I am going to end up, what I'm going to be doing or what my life will be like six months from now, let alone how my life will turn out in the end. What I do know is how much I love my friends and the people who have supported and pushed and most of all believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Hell, I still don't completely believe in myself. But knowing that they can see something in me that gives them reason to know I can handle anything, even when I feel like I can't, and that they see a reason not to give up on me, helps me more every day in finding that confidence for myself. We're our own biggest critics, right? I wonder if we ever really see ourselves clearly.
They say that you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. I don't really think that's true. The love that I have for these people is sometimes beyond my own comprehension. How could I in my mess of a life deserve people so caring, generous, faithful and amazing? I haven't found a way to love myself yet. The last few weeks are one perfect example of why. But I love the people in my life with all of my heart. And though right now I rely on them too much for my own happiness, I will find a way to get there on my own. Their love and support helps me to see that I'm worth it, and I can be happy and I can love myself simply as who I am. And I think (hope) that then I'll be able to give them any small part of what they have given to me. And that then... I can show everyone (myself included) how strong I've really become.
For now...Thank you for all of the love, the support, the shoulders (virtual or otherwise) to cry on, the advice, for listening, for your honesty and for being a good friend. Sometimes in life I think we have to find a way to take a figurative magic wand and make all the bullshit that distracts us from the good things disappear (Evanesco, my Potter nerds). When you take away outside influences and drama and circumstances and all the other crap life throws at us, that's when you can really see when something is worth something to you. When things are rough try to focus on the good in your life and things that mean the most to you and somehow you'll get through it.
Now, if I can just take my own advice, I'll be set, eh? Thanks for reading...for everything. xx
I'm disappointed in myself because of how I've dealt with some things. Like, I thought that there was a problem with something. I didn't know what and I didn't know why, but I just knew there was something. I'd tried to put it in the back of my mind and tell myself that it was okay and in time it would all work out if it was supposed to. But it was hurting me... and I just couldn't get there. So I did what I always do, and I blamed myself, and I tore myself apart about it. Even not knowing what I did, I was sure it had to be me. Even though I couldn't think of a single thing I had done wrong. Because almost overnight something just changed. That doesn't happen without some sort of cause, and I just didn't know. I've been in a similar situation before. And I lost someone who was like a brother to me. And to this day, years later, I have no idea why... It still breaks my heart. I didn't want that to happen again.
We can't let the past and other situations affect how we handle or react to things that happen in our lives. The bottom line is I got scared. Scared of nothing more (and nothing less) than losing a very good friend. Confusion, hurt and a little bit of fear can rock anybody's confidence (and "make" them act or react in ways they normally wouldn't). I'm a person who relies so much on emotions and feelings, and though I hear the words, sometimes actions speak louder. It's hard for me not to take things personally sometimes. I need to remember to have faith in the people I choose to have in my life and trust that they will be open and honest with me. I try to follow my heart in all aspects of my life because I believe that if you follow your heart it'll eventually lead you to what makes you truly happy. It may take a while and you may have to wade through a lot of bullshit to get there, and I'm sure there are some times there may have been some decisions you could have made that would have led you down a different, possibly easier (at least for the moment) path. But I still think that if you don't ultimately follow your heart you can never truly be happy with what you're doing or who you are or anything else. I wish the easiest choices were always the right choices. It would make life so much simpler. But I'm not unwilling to take the hard road for something that's worth it. Happiness and family and friendships and relationships with others are worth it to me.
I've made mistakes in life and I'm sure I make more every day. But my intentions are good, my love and friendship is true, and the people I care about mean the world to me. I don't have any fucking clue where I am going to end up, what I'm going to be doing or what my life will be like six months from now, let alone how my life will turn out in the end. What I do know is how much I love my friends and the people who have supported and pushed and most of all believed in me when I definitely didn't believe in myself. Hell, I still don't completely believe in myself. But knowing that they can see something in me that gives them reason to know I can handle anything, even when I feel like I can't, and that they see a reason not to give up on me, helps me more every day in finding that confidence for myself. We're our own biggest critics, right? I wonder if we ever really see ourselves clearly.
They say that you can't truly love someone else until you can love yourself. I don't really think that's true. The love that I have for these people is sometimes beyond my own comprehension. How could I in my mess of a life deserve people so caring, generous, faithful and amazing? I haven't found a way to love myself yet. The last few weeks are one perfect example of why. But I love the people in my life with all of my heart. And though right now I rely on them too much for my own happiness, I will find a way to get there on my own. Their love and support helps me to see that I'm worth it, and I can be happy and I can love myself simply as who I am. And I think (hope) that then I'll be able to give them any small part of what they have given to me. And that then... I can show everyone (myself included) how strong I've really become.
For now...Thank you for all of the love, the support, the shoulders (virtual or otherwise) to cry on, the advice, for listening, for your honesty and for being a good friend. Sometimes in life I think we have to find a way to take a figurative magic wand and make all the bullshit that distracts us from the good things disappear (Evanesco, my Potter nerds). When you take away outside influences and drama and circumstances and all the other crap life throws at us, that's when you can really see when something is worth something to you. When things are rough try to focus on the good in your life and things that mean the most to you and somehow you'll get through it.
Now, if I can just take my own advice, I'll be set, eh? Thanks for reading...for everything. xx
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Tired.
Things don't always work out how you plan for them to, or especially how you want them to. It sucks. Yeah, there's nothing you can do to change it, but it still fucking sucks. It doesn't suck quite as bad as the feeling after, though. Disappointment, confusion, in a way, a bit of loss...
I'm just tired of no part of life going how I hope for it to. It's incredibly disheartening and hard and frankly I'm just so tired of being let down. By anything, not just people. But people too. I'm just tired in general. Tired of life and tired of hurting and tired of always having to deal with crap.
I'm even tired of myself. Like I absolutely can't stand the person that I am right now. And all the efforts I am making to try to improve myself and change the things I dislike do absolutely nothing. I know life is hard and things don't come easily and blah blah blah. I'm tired of the fight though. I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. If it actually got me anywhere that'd be one thing, but it doesn't. I'm still stuck in the same place and in quite a few ways it's actually worse...a lot worse.
I'm just tired. Very tired.
I'm just tired of no part of life going how I hope for it to. It's incredibly disheartening and hard and frankly I'm just so tired of being let down. By anything, not just people. But people too. I'm just tired in general. Tired of life and tired of hurting and tired of always having to deal with crap.
I'm even tired of myself. Like I absolutely can't stand the person that I am right now. And all the efforts I am making to try to improve myself and change the things I dislike do absolutely nothing. I know life is hard and things don't come easily and blah blah blah. I'm tired of the fight though. I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. If it actually got me anywhere that'd be one thing, but it doesn't. I'm still stuck in the same place and in quite a few ways it's actually worse...a lot worse.
I'm just tired. Very tired.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
She Says She Doesn't Care, But Her Eyes Tell A Different Story...
I am sad.
So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.
But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.
I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...
I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.
I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.
Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.
I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...
I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...
So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.
Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.
My heart just...hurts.
So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.
But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.
I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...
I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.
I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.
Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.
I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...
I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...
So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.
Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.
My heart just...hurts.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A Blog By Any Other Name.... Isn't A Blog.
A blog is loosley defined as 'an online journal with comments, reflections, thoughts, etc.' So basically, it's for anything you want it to be for. I think everyone who blogs probably does it for different reasons. Sometimes it's to share/spread information, sometimes to vent, sometimes to gather opinions of others', sometimes to bring attention to things we find important.
An important thing, I think, to remember about blogs is that in writing something available at large to the public, is that they're open widely to interpretation. And because everyone thinks differently, it's safe to say that everyone that reads a blog will have an at least slightly different understanding or take something from it different than what someone else will. Simply because I read a blog and think it means one thing, first of all doesn't mean that everyone else will see it the same way, and secondly it doesn't mean that I'm "right" (or "wrong") in what I think it means.
I'm so tired of people being judgmental. I'm so tired of having to defend myself for nothing. I'm so tired of being so unsure of everything. I just want to feel safe, and confident, and happy. Even if I don't know exactly what's going to happen, I want to believe that it'll be okay, whatever it is. I want to believe my gut and make my head shut the fucking fuck up. I want to know I'm gonna be okay, even if I don't know how. I want to hurt less, not more. I want to feel all the time the way I feel in what I've come to see as my personal little bubble... Because there, I just know it's going to be okay. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But whatever happens....it will be. I don't have to question anything, because everything just is. There are no questions, there are no doubts. All the SHIT in life disappears for just a little while. I feel sure, I feel confident, I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel safe, I feel special, I feel......I FEEL. I feel everything.
I wish it was possible to have everyone I love with me all the time. I wish it was possible for some things to last forever. I wish distance was easily overcome. I wish life and love were easy. I wish SOMETHING in life was easy. Just one or two things, not all of it. I'm not afraid to work for what I want/need. I've worked since I was 16 years old and I know that's not as long as some people, but I have. And I was forced to grow up and be an adult far earlier than anyone should. But it made me who I am. I've dealt with a lot in life and I've been hurt and I've loved and I've lost. I've lost a lot. I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I feel like things keep happening that keep chipping off little pieces, a little more, a little more, and soon there isn't going to be anything left. I know I trust too easily, and I know I love too much. I don't think I'd change that, though. First of all, I'm not sure one can love "too much" ... I think love is one of the strongest, most amazing..."things" in the world. The love of family, the love of a child, the love of a best friend. But it's still important to be conscious and observant when meeting new people, though I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I believe I'm a good judge of character, even if I've been (quite obviously) wrong about some. I believe I'm a good person, even though I've made mistakes. I've never intentionally hurt anyone. Let me repeat that. I've. Never. Intentionally. Hurt. Anyone. I don't use people and I don't take advantage of situations that some others might. Truly, all I want in the world is to be overall happy and to love and be loved. And by that I mean my family and my friends (because apparently I have to clarify). I LOVE, love. In all of its forms, all of its ways. You absolutely need to love yourself before you can be truly capable of loving anyone else. But to love and to be loved, I think, is something everyone wants. And if you even think at any point that you've found that, I don't think you should give it an opportunity to pass you by.
Lots of people say that they have no regrets in their lives because each choice or experience has helped shape who they are. To an extent, I agree with that. But I also think that sometimes there are things we just wish we hadn't (or had) done. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think it's all the more reason to live life each day to the fullest, and try to live positively, and tell people that you love them if you do, and take opportunities that are placed in front of you. That's why I tell you all I love you all the time; well, a) because I do, and you make every minute of every day better in some way, and b) because I think everyone should know they are loved. Sometimes life offers us second chances. But sometimes it doesn't. And (depending on your beliefs, I suppose), this is the only life we get.
I've realized recently that quite possibly the hardest thing in the world is to be hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. If a person can hurt someone they "love" - is there anything they're not willing to do? Will they stop at nothing to satisfy their own selfish needs and wants? I think yes. And I think if you can hurt someone you claim to "love" ... that you never really loved them, not really. I can't fathom the idea of purposely hurting someone I DISLIKE, let alone someone I actually care about. It breaks my heart the times that I have hurt anyone, but it was still never intentional. Of course that doesn't mean it makes something okay, hurting someone else is never okay. But to intentionally hurt someone, whether out of anger, revenge, or just plain meanness - is just never, ever right. Two wrongs don't make a right. And it doesn't help any situation.
I may have lost track somewhere along this...sorry about that. I'm tired, I've had a rough day/week. I'm just a little frustrated when people take my words the wrong way. But as I said, blogs are based on interpretations. Just like music. What a song means to me may mean something completely different to someone else. I thought about removing some of the blogs that seem to have caused some people to make incorrect assumptions or judgments, but mainly I feel that just because they have come to the wrong conclusions doesn't mean I should apologize for it. Because, after all, THEY are wrong. And if I choose to explain to said person what was actually meant, they still have to choose whether or not to listen when I do so. And then they have to choose whether or not to believe the truth, or whether to continue believing what they already thought. Sometimes people have made their minds up and what you say is absolutely meaningless.
Perception...we all care what other people think to some extent. But if we censor what we say based on that, what is the point of writing in the first place? I'm not responsible for people taking what I say the wrong way. When I write, I write about my life. Or I write about someone else's life, if it's on my mind. If I write about someone else, am I going to call them out or give specifics about their situation? Of course not. Does that mean what I wrote is about me? Certainly not. Hell, it could be a MOVIE I saw that made me think about something. It could be anything. My writing style is what it is...it's about the only somewhat "creative" thing I can do. I like it. I know I jump around and get off topic and babble sometimes, but I'm okay with that - cuz it's me. If I've learned anything over the last few months, it's this: Even though there are some things about myself that I'm not happy with, and things I'd like to improve, some people love me exactly how I am. Despite my faults and eccentricites and silly ridiculous eating habits and nerdy love of Star Wars and Harry Potter and the fact that I am just a little bit OCD about certain things, etc. etc. etc., my friends and my family still love me this way. I CAN be happy just as who I am. THAT realization is what has changed my life. Not a thing, or a specific person, or anything else. It's been the support and love bestowed on me by the people in my life who want nothing but for me to be happy. Maybe even if it wasn't their optimal outcome. That is true friendship, true love. That is what's given me the strength to start living for me and to come to certain realizations.
The bottom line is, I can't control how people take what I say/write. I can't control the comments people make about it. I can't control who reads what I say to begin with. However. I am free to say/write whatever I want. I have enough respect for myself and the people in my life that I'm not going to write about something inappropriate to any situation, in my opinion. If I am vague, it's for a reason (even if that reason is as simple as because I wanna be). I also don't have to justify myself for what I write. I have somewhat done that here, but I don't have to. Because just because someone, somewhere misinterpreted what I said, and/or drew incorrect conclusions... Well, frankly, it isn't my problem. I don't write this blog for other people (though I'm not going to lie and say I don't like comments/feedback on some topics). I write this for myself. Because it helps me get some shit outta my head. It helps me vent. It helps me put my thoughts and/or feelings into some sort of organized order (which we know the #OCD part of me loooooves).
Sooo...my point. What IS my point? I guess my point is, a blog is specifically for personal expression. It's not fact, it's not a story, it's simply how I think and feel, about my own life and about other people/things. While I get that by letting people read what I write, I know that I am opening myself up to judgment and giving people an opportunity to form incorrect assumptions about me and/or my life. Frankly, there's nothing I can do about that. The people who really know me know what I'm about and they know the kind of person that I am.
I'm far from perfect, extremely far. But I am a fierce friend. I am a lover. I am a good "mom" to my dogs. I am a hard worker. I am honest. I am accepting of the fact that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I am thankful for everyone/thing good in my life.
I am insecure, but I'm working on it. I am weak, but I'm getting stronger. I am impatient, but I'm trying. I am anxious, but I'm trying to stay calm. I am a negative thinker, but I'm trying to be more positive. I am unsure of where the fuck my life is going to go...but I do know what I want. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I know what I want. I know who I want in my life, and I know who I don't.
There is one thing going on right now that is incredibly hard for me to deal with. I'm overwhelmed with a wide range of feelings that cannot always be expressed, and I think that's hard in any situation. That was my original reason for wanting to write tonight. It's difficult to have something you feel so strongly about, that you can't talk about. Or that you can talk about, but only to certain people, and the people you could actually talk to about it, you can't. For whatever reason. Life would be so much easier if everyone just always said how they really felt. Even if it was bad, at least you would know, and you wouldn't have to deal with the insecurities that come along with any kind of relationship (manager/employee, friends, lovers, etc. etc. etc.). Or maybe not everyone deals with insecurity? I don't know. I feel like I always have, but I also think that has a lot to do with my surroundings. Not that I am making excuses or blaming anyone for the way that I am or the way that I think. No one can make me think or feel any way if I don't let them. I'm just still learning not to let them.
I doubt this actually made any sense at all. Good thing it's a blog, so it doesn't necessarily have to. Maybe I wrote it just to confuse you. Or maybe it's full of hidden meaning. Maybe it's just a damn bunch of words put into paragraph form and all it means is exactly what it says. It's not the Bible, it's not a text book, it's not some super-detailed insight into my brain or personal life.
It's just a blog. You can make a choice to read it or not. You can take anything you want from it. But whatever you do take could be completely different from what was meant.
And that's totally fine...but I'm just saying.
An important thing, I think, to remember about blogs is that in writing something available at large to the public, is that they're open widely to interpretation. And because everyone thinks differently, it's safe to say that everyone that reads a blog will have an at least slightly different understanding or take something from it different than what someone else will. Simply because I read a blog and think it means one thing, first of all doesn't mean that everyone else will see it the same way, and secondly it doesn't mean that I'm "right" (or "wrong") in what I think it means.
I'm so tired of people being judgmental. I'm so tired of having to defend myself for nothing. I'm so tired of being so unsure of everything. I just want to feel safe, and confident, and happy. Even if I don't know exactly what's going to happen, I want to believe that it'll be okay, whatever it is. I want to believe my gut and make my head shut the fucking fuck up. I want to know I'm gonna be okay, even if I don't know how. I want to hurt less, not more. I want to feel all the time the way I feel in what I've come to see as my personal little bubble... Because there, I just know it's going to be okay. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But whatever happens....it will be. I don't have to question anything, because everything just is. There are no questions, there are no doubts. All the SHIT in life disappears for just a little while. I feel sure, I feel confident, I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel safe, I feel special, I feel......I FEEL. I feel everything.
I wish it was possible to have everyone I love with me all the time. I wish it was possible for some things to last forever. I wish distance was easily overcome. I wish life and love were easy. I wish SOMETHING in life was easy. Just one or two things, not all of it. I'm not afraid to work for what I want/need. I've worked since I was 16 years old and I know that's not as long as some people, but I have. And I was forced to grow up and be an adult far earlier than anyone should. But it made me who I am. I've dealt with a lot in life and I've been hurt and I've loved and I've lost. I've lost a lot. I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I feel like things keep happening that keep chipping off little pieces, a little more, a little more, and soon there isn't going to be anything left. I know I trust too easily, and I know I love too much. I don't think I'd change that, though. First of all, I'm not sure one can love "too much" ... I think love is one of the strongest, most amazing..."things" in the world. The love of family, the love of a child, the love of a best friend. But it's still important to be conscious and observant when meeting new people, though I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I believe I'm a good judge of character, even if I've been (quite obviously) wrong about some. I believe I'm a good person, even though I've made mistakes. I've never intentionally hurt anyone. Let me repeat that. I've. Never. Intentionally. Hurt. Anyone. I don't use people and I don't take advantage of situations that some others might. Truly, all I want in the world is to be overall happy and to love and be loved. And by that I mean my family and my friends (because apparently I have to clarify). I LOVE, love. In all of its forms, all of its ways. You absolutely need to love yourself before you can be truly capable of loving anyone else. But to love and to be loved, I think, is something everyone wants. And if you even think at any point that you've found that, I don't think you should give it an opportunity to pass you by.
Lots of people say that they have no regrets in their lives because each choice or experience has helped shape who they are. To an extent, I agree with that. But I also think that sometimes there are things we just wish we hadn't (or had) done. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think it's all the more reason to live life each day to the fullest, and try to live positively, and tell people that you love them if you do, and take opportunities that are placed in front of you. That's why I tell you all I love you all the time; well, a) because I do, and you make every minute of every day better in some way, and b) because I think everyone should know they are loved. Sometimes life offers us second chances. But sometimes it doesn't. And (depending on your beliefs, I suppose), this is the only life we get.
I've realized recently that quite possibly the hardest thing in the world is to be hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. If a person can hurt someone they "love" - is there anything they're not willing to do? Will they stop at nothing to satisfy their own selfish needs and wants? I think yes. And I think if you can hurt someone you claim to "love" ... that you never really loved them, not really. I can't fathom the idea of purposely hurting someone I DISLIKE, let alone someone I actually care about. It breaks my heart the times that I have hurt anyone, but it was still never intentional. Of course that doesn't mean it makes something okay, hurting someone else is never okay. But to intentionally hurt someone, whether out of anger, revenge, or just plain meanness - is just never, ever right. Two wrongs don't make a right. And it doesn't help any situation.
I may have lost track somewhere along this...sorry about that. I'm tired, I've had a rough day/week. I'm just a little frustrated when people take my words the wrong way. But as I said, blogs are based on interpretations. Just like music. What a song means to me may mean something completely different to someone else. I thought about removing some of the blogs that seem to have caused some people to make incorrect assumptions or judgments, but mainly I feel that just because they have come to the wrong conclusions doesn't mean I should apologize for it. Because, after all, THEY are wrong. And if I choose to explain to said person what was actually meant, they still have to choose whether or not to listen when I do so. And then they have to choose whether or not to believe the truth, or whether to continue believing what they already thought. Sometimes people have made their minds up and what you say is absolutely meaningless.
Perception...we all care what other people think to some extent. But if we censor what we say based on that, what is the point of writing in the first place? I'm not responsible for people taking what I say the wrong way. When I write, I write about my life. Or I write about someone else's life, if it's on my mind. If I write about someone else, am I going to call them out or give specifics about their situation? Of course not. Does that mean what I wrote is about me? Certainly not. Hell, it could be a MOVIE I saw that made me think about something. It could be anything. My writing style is what it is...it's about the only somewhat "creative" thing I can do. I like it. I know I jump around and get off topic and babble sometimes, but I'm okay with that - cuz it's me. If I've learned anything over the last few months, it's this: Even though there are some things about myself that I'm not happy with, and things I'd like to improve, some people love me exactly how I am. Despite my faults and eccentricites and silly ridiculous eating habits and nerdy love of Star Wars and Harry Potter and the fact that I am just a little bit OCD about certain things, etc. etc. etc., my friends and my family still love me this way. I CAN be happy just as who I am. THAT realization is what has changed my life. Not a thing, or a specific person, or anything else. It's been the support and love bestowed on me by the people in my life who want nothing but for me to be happy. Maybe even if it wasn't their optimal outcome. That is true friendship, true love. That is what's given me the strength to start living for me and to come to certain realizations.
The bottom line is, I can't control how people take what I say/write. I can't control the comments people make about it. I can't control who reads what I say to begin with. However. I am free to say/write whatever I want. I have enough respect for myself and the people in my life that I'm not going to write about something inappropriate to any situation, in my opinion. If I am vague, it's for a reason (even if that reason is as simple as because I wanna be). I also don't have to justify myself for what I write. I have somewhat done that here, but I don't have to. Because just because someone, somewhere misinterpreted what I said, and/or drew incorrect conclusions... Well, frankly, it isn't my problem. I don't write this blog for other people (though I'm not going to lie and say I don't like comments/feedback on some topics). I write this for myself. Because it helps me get some shit outta my head. It helps me vent. It helps me put my thoughts and/or feelings into some sort of organized order (which we know the #OCD part of me loooooves).
Sooo...my point. What IS my point? I guess my point is, a blog is specifically for personal expression. It's not fact, it's not a story, it's simply how I think and feel, about my own life and about other people/things. While I get that by letting people read what I write, I know that I am opening myself up to judgment and giving people an opportunity to form incorrect assumptions about me and/or my life. Frankly, there's nothing I can do about that. The people who really know me know what I'm about and they know the kind of person that I am.
I'm far from perfect, extremely far. But I am a fierce friend. I am a lover. I am a good "mom" to my dogs. I am a hard worker. I am honest. I am accepting of the fact that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I am thankful for everyone/thing good in my life.
I am insecure, but I'm working on it. I am weak, but I'm getting stronger. I am impatient, but I'm trying. I am anxious, but I'm trying to stay calm. I am a negative thinker, but I'm trying to be more positive. I am unsure of where the fuck my life is going to go...but I do know what I want. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I know what I want. I know who I want in my life, and I know who I don't.
There is one thing going on right now that is incredibly hard for me to deal with. I'm overwhelmed with a wide range of feelings that cannot always be expressed, and I think that's hard in any situation. That was my original reason for wanting to write tonight. It's difficult to have something you feel so strongly about, that you can't talk about. Or that you can talk about, but only to certain people, and the people you could actually talk to about it, you can't. For whatever reason. Life would be so much easier if everyone just always said how they really felt. Even if it was bad, at least you would know, and you wouldn't have to deal with the insecurities that come along with any kind of relationship (manager/employee, friends, lovers, etc. etc. etc.). Or maybe not everyone deals with insecurity? I don't know. I feel like I always have, but I also think that has a lot to do with my surroundings. Not that I am making excuses or blaming anyone for the way that I am or the way that I think. No one can make me think or feel any way if I don't let them. I'm just still learning not to let them.
I doubt this actually made any sense at all. Good thing it's a blog, so it doesn't necessarily have to. Maybe I wrote it just to confuse you. Or maybe it's full of hidden meaning. Maybe it's just a damn bunch of words put into paragraph form and all it means is exactly what it says. It's not the Bible, it's not a text book, it's not some super-detailed insight into my brain or personal life.
It's just a blog. You can make a choice to read it or not. You can take anything you want from it. But whatever you do take could be completely different from what was meant.
And that's totally fine...but I'm just saying.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
And Did You Think It Through When The Devil Told You...
After a hellacious week, I've had a pretty decent (maybe even good *gasp*) couple of days, and I'm really excited about this. I know that a lot of you are probably wondering about what's been going on since last week. I'm going to be more respectful than the people that hurt me were and not talk about it here. Some of the people that I am close to know, and some don't. It's a very personal thing and my choice to decide who I want to tell about it, as far as I'm concerned anyway. The people who are involved are the ones who fucked up and I have to stop concerning myself with them and their feelings and their wishes and whatevers. Not only do they not deserve my time, thought, or love, but now is about nothing more than moving past the hurt of all of this, making it through this divorce and continuing my own life on my way to finding happiness within myself. So that being said, please know that I appreciate every bit of concern - the texts, tweets, emails, FB messages, calls - everything. It all means the world to me and I am so appreciative of all the love. It's exactly what I need right now, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Sooo...that all happened last Saturday, and the first part of the week was pretty hard. I kind of kept getting sucker-punched over the next few days and I let it get to me and hurt me even though I shouldn't have. Work has also been crazy and I had to go to a training seminar on Monday which put me a "day behind" essentially the rest of the week so it was more crazy. Combined with almost no sleep, I was starting to run on empty. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my counselor who is working with me on my depression and I told her about everything that was going on, and she reaffirmed everything I was saying and feeling and said that she thought I was handling everything well and correctly. That kind of gave me a little push, it's just nice when you're dealing with something to have someone tell you that you're right in your views/feelings (not that anyone has any right to judge your feelings, but moreso I guess that I wasn't being "irrational" if you will). Not that she is the only one who's done that, but just someone with her I guess "knowledge" of that kind of thing. Who knows what the hell I'm trying to say. Anyway, that was cool and then the rest of the day was somewhat calm. I just really focused on work and kind of closed myself off to everything around me for a little while and forced myself to stop thinking for 5 seconds and it was kind of wonderful. I'm generally not able to do that so...maybe I should have written down my process or something so I can do it again, hahaha..
Anyway, Thursday ended without incident lol. Had another night of not much sleep, but was looking forward to Friday and the weekend so that was good. Work was completely nutty...which I guess I just need to start getting used to. Generally it's not super crazy except during Feb/March (Spring Break) but the last couple of weeks have been out there. It may be because of going from NOTHING in the summertime to significantly busier now, even though it's not as busy as spring season.
Anyway...Friday night I went to dinner and a show with a girlfriend. I found someone to buy the extra pair of tickets I'd bought months and months ago at full price, and then I got comp seats from the hotel, so we got to eat AND see the show for free, which I definitely won't complain about. The show was Anthony Cools - who is a hypnotist/comedian, and without a doubt the funniest person I've ever seen in my life. His show is raunchy and all kinds of wrong, but it's also the most hilarious and awesome thing you've ever seen. I can't recommend it enough. I'm thinking of trying to do a post dedicated specifically to him so maybe I'll do that. He deserves it...I never leave the show without mascara streaks down my face (from crying of laughter) and my stomach generally hurts the entire next day from laughing so much. It was another great show (3rd time I've seen him) and I also got to personally thank him for the really amazing and above and beyond thing he did for us when we went to his show in Vegas so that was really cool. He's an awesome entertainer and for what it's worth (which I say is a fucking lot) he's really good to his fans and people that support him. Two thumbs way up for Mr. Cools, and I will intend to see him yet again the next time I'm in Vegas, whenever the hell that may be...
Today I feel that I've been really productive (minus the sleeping til almost noon), but it was mostly with kinda selfish and/or even "silly" things... I spent most of my "morning" on the phone checking on some things and trying to figure out finances and whatnot with divorce crap. As stressful as that kind of is, the OCD part of me also really loves the numbers and the organization and whatnot. I also think I came up with a "solution" in my head as far as the papers and wants/needs etc. We'll see what happens with that but...in my head it works. I went to the grocery store and bought ONLY what was on my list, which was quite exciting - laundry detergent, vaccuum powder, carpet cleaner, ant killer, a pillow, Cocoa Krispies, and a loaf of bread (most awesome combination ever). When I got home I cleaned the house fully and even used the yummy powder stuff you put down before you vaccuum, so the whole house smells quite lovely. It's (fucking) cold out, so I have the windows open and have been wrapped in blankets and sweaters all day. (I could really use some mother effing Timmie's hot chocolate though, not even gonna freaking lie *huge pout*) Did three loads of laundry including my new bed set I bought myself. Essentially it really wasn't a "necessity" but emotionally and mentally it was... And it's pretty and red and I love just about anything "pretty and red" so it is what it is. I took all of the pictures off the walls. I also started a pile of clothing and other household items (towels, bed sheets, etc.) to give to Good Will. I'm going to need to cut down as much as I can and it's not like I need everything I have anyway. I'm going to get boxes soon and start packing up most of my "summer" clothes and other little things around the house I don't use often so that when I move it won't have to be everything all at once.
Oh, have I talked about that? Probably not. Umm..I kinda don't wanna talk about the details yet. I'm not sure why. I guess it's kind of a personal thing lol. It's not hard to figure out but still. What I'll say right now is that I'll be moving away from Mississippi for sure. There are multiple reasons, but mainly I frankly can't afford to stay here the way things are. I'm most upset about probably having to leave my job at some point...despite when things are crazy and I get frustrated, I really love my job and what I do. Anyway, right now it's looking like this will happen around the beginning of April. I'll be taking all of my dogs with me...and not too much else. But they are my first priority. It probably sounds really silly to people who aren't dog lovers or to people who have kids, but...my dogs are my babies. They're my responsibility. They never asked me to get them and it's not their fault this is happening...besides the fact that I love them more than anything in the world and just physically can't let them go, I also don't trust my soon-to-be-ex not to give them away and/or split them up, and I don't think that's fair either. He also deploys and so would not be able to take care of them all the time anyway. I've been with them their entire lives, all of them but Sampson who is a rescue and even he was only a year old when we got him. And they've all been together their entire lives. It's not fair to send them off to some random person who may not give them the love and attention they deserve. So, while I am well aware of how much "easier" it would be to move on and start a new life without taking them with me, it's something I'm firm on and in my heart know that it's right for me. I'm SO grateful and blessed and thankful for the opportunity being offered to us and when things are a little more settled I will talk more about it. For now, just Thank You.
I feel like I had more to say but I'm kinda tired now, hahaha... One week from today I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, and on Sunday even a few more. I think it'll be nice to get out of here just for a few days, too. It's been kind of clostrophobic in some ways. It's gonna be a LOT of driving but I'm actually even a little excited about that, since I have my amazingly awesome new little red 80GB Zune mp3 player to come along for the ride. Too bad I don't have my TomTom with the Darth Vader voice yet, because that would just be the total complete roadtrip package right there.
Don't ask why that just made me think of this, but please, PLEASE go and buy a copy of Sam Bradley's new EP "Zuni" on Tuesday when it's released...you can purchase it online at http://www.sambradley.com/ or at any of the showers on the Brooke Fraser tour he also starts on Tuesday (dates here: http://www.myspace.com/sambradley). I know I have some new followers out there so if you're reading this, a) sorry for the depressing post and b) you must check out Sam Bradley or, or.......something really really BAD. So bad I haven't even thought of it yet. Yeah, that's it. Right. Really though... I promise amazing music. What's better than that?
http://www.youtube.com/samueltube1
Thanks for reading and again, for all of the love and support you have all overwhelmed me with. It's truly amazing and I am awed and appreciative beyond words.
I feel like something is on the top of my tongue.............
Sooo...that all happened last Saturday, and the first part of the week was pretty hard. I kind of kept getting sucker-punched over the next few days and I let it get to me and hurt me even though I shouldn't have. Work has also been crazy and I had to go to a training seminar on Monday which put me a "day behind" essentially the rest of the week so it was more crazy. Combined with almost no sleep, I was starting to run on empty. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my counselor who is working with me on my depression and I told her about everything that was going on, and she reaffirmed everything I was saying and feeling and said that she thought I was handling everything well and correctly. That kind of gave me a little push, it's just nice when you're dealing with something to have someone tell you that you're right in your views/feelings (not that anyone has any right to judge your feelings, but moreso I guess that I wasn't being "irrational" if you will). Not that she is the only one who's done that, but just someone with her I guess "knowledge" of that kind of thing. Who knows what the hell I'm trying to say. Anyway, that was cool and then the rest of the day was somewhat calm. I just really focused on work and kind of closed myself off to everything around me for a little while and forced myself to stop thinking for 5 seconds and it was kind of wonderful. I'm generally not able to do that so...maybe I should have written down my process or something so I can do it again, hahaha..
Anyway, Thursday ended without incident lol. Had another night of not much sleep, but was looking forward to Friday and the weekend so that was good. Work was completely nutty...which I guess I just need to start getting used to. Generally it's not super crazy except during Feb/March (Spring Break) but the last couple of weeks have been out there. It may be because of going from NOTHING in the summertime to significantly busier now, even though it's not as busy as spring season.
Anyway...Friday night I went to dinner and a show with a girlfriend. I found someone to buy the extra pair of tickets I'd bought months and months ago at full price, and then I got comp seats from the hotel, so we got to eat AND see the show for free, which I definitely won't complain about. The show was Anthony Cools - who is a hypnotist/comedian, and without a doubt the funniest person I've ever seen in my life. His show is raunchy and all kinds of wrong, but it's also the most hilarious and awesome thing you've ever seen. I can't recommend it enough. I'm thinking of trying to do a post dedicated specifically to him so maybe I'll do that. He deserves it...I never leave the show without mascara streaks down my face (from crying of laughter) and my stomach generally hurts the entire next day from laughing so much. It was another great show (3rd time I've seen him) and I also got to personally thank him for the really amazing and above and beyond thing he did for us when we went to his show in Vegas so that was really cool. He's an awesome entertainer and for what it's worth (which I say is a fucking lot) he's really good to his fans and people that support him. Two thumbs way up for Mr. Cools, and I will intend to see him yet again the next time I'm in Vegas, whenever the hell that may be...
Today I feel that I've been really productive (minus the sleeping til almost noon), but it was mostly with kinda selfish and/or even "silly" things... I spent most of my "morning" on the phone checking on some things and trying to figure out finances and whatnot with divorce crap. As stressful as that kind of is, the OCD part of me also really loves the numbers and the organization and whatnot. I also think I came up with a "solution" in my head as far as the papers and wants/needs etc. We'll see what happens with that but...in my head it works. I went to the grocery store and bought ONLY what was on my list, which was quite exciting - laundry detergent, vaccuum powder, carpet cleaner, ant killer, a pillow, Cocoa Krispies, and a loaf of bread (most awesome combination ever). When I got home I cleaned the house fully and even used the yummy powder stuff you put down before you vaccuum, so the whole house smells quite lovely. It's (fucking) cold out, so I have the windows open and have been wrapped in blankets and sweaters all day. (I could really use some mother effing Timmie's hot chocolate though, not even gonna freaking lie *huge pout*) Did three loads of laundry including my new bed set I bought myself. Essentially it really wasn't a "necessity" but emotionally and mentally it was... And it's pretty and red and I love just about anything "pretty and red" so it is what it is. I took all of the pictures off the walls. I also started a pile of clothing and other household items (towels, bed sheets, etc.) to give to Good Will. I'm going to need to cut down as much as I can and it's not like I need everything I have anyway. I'm going to get boxes soon and start packing up most of my "summer" clothes and other little things around the house I don't use often so that when I move it won't have to be everything all at once.
Oh, have I talked about that? Probably not. Umm..I kinda don't wanna talk about the details yet. I'm not sure why. I guess it's kind of a personal thing lol. It's not hard to figure out but still. What I'll say right now is that I'll be moving away from Mississippi for sure. There are multiple reasons, but mainly I frankly can't afford to stay here the way things are. I'm most upset about probably having to leave my job at some point...despite when things are crazy and I get frustrated, I really love my job and what I do. Anyway, right now it's looking like this will happen around the beginning of April. I'll be taking all of my dogs with me...and not too much else. But they are my first priority. It probably sounds really silly to people who aren't dog lovers or to people who have kids, but...my dogs are my babies. They're my responsibility. They never asked me to get them and it's not their fault this is happening...besides the fact that I love them more than anything in the world and just physically can't let them go, I also don't trust my soon-to-be-ex not to give them away and/or split them up, and I don't think that's fair either. He also deploys and so would not be able to take care of them all the time anyway. I've been with them their entire lives, all of them but Sampson who is a rescue and even he was only a year old when we got him. And they've all been together their entire lives. It's not fair to send them off to some random person who may not give them the love and attention they deserve. So, while I am well aware of how much "easier" it would be to move on and start a new life without taking them with me, it's something I'm firm on and in my heart know that it's right for me. I'm SO grateful and blessed and thankful for the opportunity being offered to us and when things are a little more settled I will talk more about it. For now, just Thank You.
I feel like I had more to say but I'm kinda tired now, hahaha... One week from today I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, and on Sunday even a few more. I think it'll be nice to get out of here just for a few days, too. It's been kind of clostrophobic in some ways. It's gonna be a LOT of driving but I'm actually even a little excited about that, since I have my amazingly awesome new little red 80GB Zune mp3 player to come along for the ride. Too bad I don't have my TomTom with the Darth Vader voice yet, because that would just be the total complete roadtrip package right there.
Don't ask why that just made me think of this, but please, PLEASE go and buy a copy of Sam Bradley's new EP "Zuni" on Tuesday when it's released...you can purchase it online at http://www.sambradley.com/ or at any of the showers on the Brooke Fraser tour he also starts on Tuesday (dates here: http://www.myspace.com/sambradley). I know I have some new followers out there so if you're reading this, a) sorry for the depressing post and b) you must check out Sam Bradley or, or.......something really really BAD. So bad I haven't even thought of it yet. Yeah, that's it. Right. Really though... I promise amazing music. What's better than that?
http://www.youtube.com/samueltube1
Thanks for reading and again, for all of the love and support you have all overwhelmed me with. It's truly amazing and I am awed and appreciative beyond words.
I feel like something is on the top of my tongue.............
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I'll Wait A Million Days To See You Smile...
There are some people in our lives that we will never be good enough for. No matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, no matter how far out of our way we go - it'll never be enough for them. Yet even knowing that some people are like this, we still try to please them or impress them or make them proud of us. And we're let down when it doesn't work. Why? Knowing it's impossible to have their full approval or confidence should allow us to not try so hard and just be confident and happy within ourselves, no matter what they say (or don't say). Maybe that's why I have such issue with it, because of the insecurity and confidence problems that I have...I'm not sure. I just know that no matter how many times I tell myself it is what it is, and that it doesn't matter what I do, I somehow still get my hopes up that maybe something will be different. Maybe it'll actually be all good, non-judgmental comments. Maybe, for just ONCE, it'll be "I'm proud of you." End of sentence. Maybe for once I'LL be good enough. I guess I set myself up to fail. After all, it's just how they are, and you can't expect people to change (especially when they've been like that their whole life). And besides that, the only person we should have to worry about being "good enough" for is ourself. I guess I am just not there yet.
My confidence is shot to shit. I let it get to me again, even though I said I wouldn't. And I've knocked myself down on top of it. I'm trying to pick myself back up. I'm trying really, really hard. It's just snowballing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaas usual. I've gotta get outta my fucking head. Like for serious. Can somebody teach me how to do that? Please?
I have multiple things to look forward to in the next couple of months...I should be excited. Well, I AM excited. Incredibly, ecstatically, blissfully excited. But I want that to be the most prominent emotion in my life right now. I want to ONLY look forward to these happy things, and seeing the people I love, and feeling...the way these people make me feel when I'm with them. I feel so empty right now. I'm so tired of goodbyes. I hate missing people. I know that having such amazing people in my life is the reason I miss them as much as I do, and I am beyond thankful for that. But it's really hard. Really, really hard. Distance really fucking blows. Like hardcore. Fuck.
I just don't feel like I've got any strength left anymore.
I'm tired.
Exhausted, really.
My confidence is shot to shit. I let it get to me again, even though I said I wouldn't. And I've knocked myself down on top of it. I'm trying to pick myself back up. I'm trying really, really hard. It's just snowballing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaas usual. I've gotta get outta my fucking head. Like for serious. Can somebody teach me how to do that? Please?
I have multiple things to look forward to in the next couple of months...I should be excited. Well, I AM excited. Incredibly, ecstatically, blissfully excited. But I want that to be the most prominent emotion in my life right now. I want to ONLY look forward to these happy things, and seeing the people I love, and feeling...the way these people make me feel when I'm with them. I feel so empty right now. I'm so tired of goodbyes. I hate missing people. I know that having such amazing people in my life is the reason I miss them as much as I do, and I am beyond thankful for that. But it's really hard. Really, really hard. Distance really fucking blows. Like hardcore. Fuck.
I just don't feel like I've got any strength left anymore.
I'm tired.
Exhausted, really.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Isolation.
Sitting alone, wrapped in a blanket, I'm staring at the TV but not actually watching.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.
I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.
No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.
For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...
I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.
I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.
No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.
For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...
I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Talent Doesn't Matter. Apparently.
On Twitter this afternoon, I saw that one of the people from Jersey Shore ("The Situation") is going to be on The Ellen Show tomorrow. Are. You. Kidding. Me. REALLY?
First of all, of all the reality shows out there, JS is one of THE trashiest
that there is. The fact that it's even still on the air, let alone in a second
(or whatever) season is a disgrace to the "entertainment" industry and shows
just how far downhill television has gone in recent years. Really? It's a show
about a bunch of cocky, arrogant people who are more concerned with getting a
tan and a boob job than anything else in the world. Oh and let's not forget the
girl who debated for like 4 episodes about how she was "so afraid she was going to cheat on her boyfriend" - when she'd already made out with some other guy. Seriously? What kind of alternate reality do you live in? Oh, that's right. One where you get paid to be on TV and act like an asshole. Got it.
The show itself is whatever. I think it's the stupidest thing ever to have been
on TV, so I choose not to watch it. But you mean to tell me that one of the most
popular shows in existence is actually going to allow these people to further
their already-unearned "celebrity" by having them on the show? Why? Because he's conceited and arrogant he refuses to wear clothes? Let's teach kids that
acting that way gets you money and fame. Because there isn't already enough
problems with today's youth. What good have these people actually used their newfound celebrity status for? Anything substantial? Or are they too busy tanning and doing their hair? My bad. Priorities.
Even worse, there are people with actual, real, undeniable talent who continue
to go overlooked and unrecognized. You know I have to talk about Sam Bradley -
this man who could sing anyTHING, anyTIME, anyWHERE at the drop of a hat. Who
gives us music that heals us and gets us through the bad days, or just makes us
smile. Let's not forget the fact that he even sounds better live than on record
which is especially rare nowadays in the world of Justin Bieber and (cute as I
think she is) Taylor Swift. AND he is a true performer to boot. You cannot NOT
enjoy a Sam Bradley show. Add into it the fact that beyond the music he happens
to be one of the most genuine and kind people I've ever met, who truly cares about his fans, and there should be no question as to why myself or any of his other supporters back and "pimp" him as strongly as we do. THAT is the kind of person who should be getting worldwide attention and airtime. Not some guy "famous" for not wearing a shirt and being an asshole.
Of course there are many relatively-unknown artists out there in addition to Sam
who deserve to have people pay attention and listen. Maybe if this sort of
bullshit wasn't what was being promoted and encouraged, these artists would get
the chances they deserve. I would never speak for someone else, but I highly
doubt anyone (well, aside from the JS cast perhaps) wants anything handed to
them. But I imagine they'd like a chance. And if it's deserved, they should get
that. I know that isn't the way the world works, but this type of crap just
shows you exactly how fucked up it really is. The entertainment industry isn't
about talent anymore. It's about politics, and drama, and who can make the
biggest idiots out of themselves while the camera is on. It's disgusting and the
people who promote it should be ashamed. I love...LOVE The Ellen Show. I think
she is fantastic, hilarious, kind and I love that she stands up for what she
believes in. Her and her show are way too good for this crap and frankly I'm
really shocked.
Maybe one day it will actually be about talent again. No more "famous" for nothing more than just being famous. Whatever. I'll buy the music regardless, and I guess that's what matters. It's funny though, that money is what these industry folks are so concerned about. Yet they keep missing out on the real gems.
"Hot bodies" and pretty faces and all of that crap doesn't last forever. Music
does. True talent does. A voice does. When you make something that touches
someone's heart, that never goes away. It may fade, it may be put in the back of
your mind, but it's never just forgotten. Sorry, but some asshole's bare chest
just doesn't compare. And it never will.
So, I'll keep spreading the word about things and people I believe in, even though the people with an actual "voice" are too busy with the latest fad (no matter how ridiculous it is) to do so. I'll continue to support those who deserve in whatever ways I can. Buy 20 albums and give them out as Christmas, birthday, whatever gifts. Get a friend a ticket to a show so that the next time that person or band tours, they'll buy one on their own, and bring their friends along too. There are so many ways that even "little people" like us can try to make people listen. Keep talking. If you tell ten people about something, and even one listens, and then they do the same, it makes an impact. One day real people doing real things will be what matters again. At least I hope it will. It has to.
Sam's music is near and dear to my heart, so he's my recommendation. If you don't know Sam Bradley and want to hear an example of what actual, real talent is, check him out on the net and on his upcoming US/Canada tour supporting Brooke Fraser. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
www.sambradley.com
www.myspace.com/sambradley
www.youtube.com/samueltube1
www.twitter.com/samueltwitt1
xx
First of all, of all the reality shows out there, JS is one of THE trashiest
that there is. The fact that it's even still on the air, let alone in a second
(or whatever) season is a disgrace to the "entertainment" industry and shows
just how far downhill television has gone in recent years. Really? It's a show
about a bunch of cocky, arrogant people who are more concerned with getting a
tan and a boob job than anything else in the world. Oh and let's not forget the
girl who debated for like 4 episodes about how she was "so afraid she was going to cheat on her boyfriend" - when she'd already made out with some other guy. Seriously? What kind of alternate reality do you live in? Oh, that's right. One where you get paid to be on TV and act like an asshole. Got it.
The show itself is whatever. I think it's the stupidest thing ever to have been
on TV, so I choose not to watch it. But you mean to tell me that one of the most
popular shows in existence is actually going to allow these people to further
their already-unearned "celebrity" by having them on the show? Why? Because he's conceited and arrogant he refuses to wear clothes? Let's teach kids that
acting that way gets you money and fame. Because there isn't already enough
problems with today's youth. What good have these people actually used their newfound celebrity status for? Anything substantial? Or are they too busy tanning and doing their hair? My bad. Priorities.
Even worse, there are people with actual, real, undeniable talent who continue
to go overlooked and unrecognized. You know I have to talk about Sam Bradley -
this man who could sing anyTHING, anyTIME, anyWHERE at the drop of a hat. Who
gives us music that heals us and gets us through the bad days, or just makes us
smile. Let's not forget the fact that he even sounds better live than on record
which is especially rare nowadays in the world of Justin Bieber and (cute as I
think she is) Taylor Swift. AND he is a true performer to boot. You cannot NOT
enjoy a Sam Bradley show. Add into it the fact that beyond the music he happens
to be one of the most genuine and kind people I've ever met, who truly cares about his fans, and there should be no question as to why myself or any of his other supporters back and "pimp" him as strongly as we do. THAT is the kind of person who should be getting worldwide attention and airtime. Not some guy "famous" for not wearing a shirt and being an asshole.
Of course there are many relatively-unknown artists out there in addition to Sam
who deserve to have people pay attention and listen. Maybe if this sort of
bullshit wasn't what was being promoted and encouraged, these artists would get
the chances they deserve. I would never speak for someone else, but I highly
doubt anyone (well, aside from the JS cast perhaps) wants anything handed to
them. But I imagine they'd like a chance. And if it's deserved, they should get
that. I know that isn't the way the world works, but this type of crap just
shows you exactly how fucked up it really is. The entertainment industry isn't
about talent anymore. It's about politics, and drama, and who can make the
biggest idiots out of themselves while the camera is on. It's disgusting and the
people who promote it should be ashamed. I love...LOVE The Ellen Show. I think
she is fantastic, hilarious, kind and I love that she stands up for what she
believes in. Her and her show are way too good for this crap and frankly I'm
really shocked.
Maybe one day it will actually be about talent again. No more "famous" for nothing more than just being famous. Whatever. I'll buy the music regardless, and I guess that's what matters. It's funny though, that money is what these industry folks are so concerned about. Yet they keep missing out on the real gems.
"Hot bodies" and pretty faces and all of that crap doesn't last forever. Music
does. True talent does. A voice does. When you make something that touches
someone's heart, that never goes away. It may fade, it may be put in the back of
your mind, but it's never just forgotten. Sorry, but some asshole's bare chest
just doesn't compare. And it never will.
So, I'll keep spreading the word about things and people I believe in, even though the people with an actual "voice" are too busy with the latest fad (no matter how ridiculous it is) to do so. I'll continue to support those who deserve in whatever ways I can. Buy 20 albums and give them out as Christmas, birthday, whatever gifts. Get a friend a ticket to a show so that the next time that person or band tours, they'll buy one on their own, and bring their friends along too. There are so many ways that even "little people" like us can try to make people listen. Keep talking. If you tell ten people about something, and even one listens, and then they do the same, it makes an impact. One day real people doing real things will be what matters again. At least I hope it will. It has to.
Sam's music is near and dear to my heart, so he's my recommendation. If you don't know Sam Bradley and want to hear an example of what actual, real talent is, check him out on the net and on his upcoming US/Canada tour supporting Brooke Fraser. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
www.sambradley.com
www.myspace.com/sambradley
www.youtube.com/samueltube1
www.twitter.com/samueltwitt1
xx
Friday, October 1, 2010
Twitlonger: 10/1/10
Hi Everyone,
This may seem impersonal and small and a little sappy but please know it’s from the heart. I want to apologize for the last couple of weeks in general, and especially yesterday. I’m dealing with some personal things and have been trying to at least publically stay kind of mum on the situation and the details, for my own protection and because frankly a public forum isn’t really the place for it. That being said, I want to apologize for any vagueness and thank everyone for your concern and support while I go through this. I don’t want to mention names individually because no doubt my #stml will kick in and I’ll offend someone by missing them. You all know who you are and (I hope) know that I love you dearly and with all of my heart. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for knowing I’m still in here somewhere despite all this bullshit. Thank you for caring, listening, giving advice, for your patience and prayers and for essentially just loving me. It means more than I can ever tell you.
That being said, amidst my freak out last night a good friend and very wise-beyond-their-years person told me to take life as it comes, deal with what I can/have to and let the rest go. There’s a lot I’m working on that is ME and this is a big part of it. It’s going to be hard but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Taking it a step at a time and focusing on myself and what I need to be happy in life. Just like so many of you have told me to do. I know that I do this with your love and support behind me and that gives me the confidence in myself to start moving forward and know that one day I’ll be okay again. Y’all mean the world to me, and please know that even when you feel helpless and far away, that every word, text, call, email, etc. etc. etc. gives me hope and reminds me I’m loved. Thank you.
So, Twitter friends, this is to let you know today’s a new day. I’m starting fresh, striving to be positive and letting go of the bullshit. I apologize to anyone that I’ve worried or hurt and am resolved to stop wallowing and putting myself down. It’s a work in progress, but I’m working on it… (no pun intended, I swear). Thanks for not giving up on me.
In the great words of my favorite musical (you knew it had to go to music at some point): “No other path, no other way. No day but today.” It starts now.
All my love,
Lo
This may seem impersonal and small and a little sappy but please know it’s from the heart. I want to apologize for the last couple of weeks in general, and especially yesterday. I’m dealing with some personal things and have been trying to at least publically stay kind of mum on the situation and the details, for my own protection and because frankly a public forum isn’t really the place for it. That being said, I want to apologize for any vagueness and thank everyone for your concern and support while I go through this. I don’t want to mention names individually because no doubt my #stml will kick in and I’ll offend someone by missing them. You all know who you are and (I hope) know that I love you dearly and with all of my heart. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for knowing I’m still in here somewhere despite all this bullshit. Thank you for caring, listening, giving advice, for your patience and prayers and for essentially just loving me. It means more than I can ever tell you.
That being said, amidst my freak out last night a good friend and very wise-beyond-their-years person told me to take life as it comes, deal with what I can/have to and let the rest go. There’s a lot I’m working on that is ME and this is a big part of it. It’s going to be hard but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Taking it a step at a time and focusing on myself and what I need to be happy in life. Just like so many of you have told me to do. I know that I do this with your love and support behind me and that gives me the confidence in myself to start moving forward and know that one day I’ll be okay again. Y’all mean the world to me, and please know that even when you feel helpless and far away, that every word, text, call, email, etc. etc. etc. gives me hope and reminds me I’m loved. Thank you.
So, Twitter friends, this is to let you know today’s a new day. I’m starting fresh, striving to be positive and letting go of the bullshit. I apologize to anyone that I’ve worried or hurt and am resolved to stop wallowing and putting myself down. It’s a work in progress, but I’m working on it… (no pun intended, I swear). Thanks for not giving up on me.
In the great words of my favorite musical (you knew it had to go to music at some point): “No other path, no other way. No day but today.” It starts now.
All my love,
Lo
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
(no subject)
What's right isn't always easy.
What's wrong isn't always hard.
Can something be right and wrong at the same time?
What's good isn't always good.
What's bad isn't always bad.
Does the bad really outweigh the good, or does it only seem that way because bad is often more overwhelming than good?
What's right isn't always right.
What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.
Maybe that's why it's necessary to learn to make choices for ourselves and our own well-being.
How do you get over hurting someone?
How do you find faith in your decisions when you don't know if it's right?
What if you fuck up your life?
What if you fuck up someone else's life?
How do you stop worrying about someone else and do for you?
What if something horrible happened, and you had to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life?
I feel so selfish.
If you do what you feel you have to, for yourself, is it right/okay no matter what happens because you were true to yourself?
Is it even about right and wrong?
Gnats are biting me.
I want to fucking kill them.
I just want to relax.
I want the sun to dry my tears.
I want it to soak up my pain.
I want a new day.
I want a new me.
I want hope.
I want strength.
I want to love.
I want to be loved.
I want life.
I want sunshine and laughter and smiles and glitter and ice cream and puppies.
I want. I want. I want.
What's wrong isn't always hard.
Can something be right and wrong at the same time?
What's good isn't always good.
What's bad isn't always bad.
Does the bad really outweigh the good, or does it only seem that way because bad is often more overwhelming than good?
What's right isn't always right.
What's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.
Maybe that's why it's necessary to learn to make choices for ourselves and our own well-being.
How do you get over hurting someone?
How do you find faith in your decisions when you don't know if it's right?
What if you fuck up your life?
What if you fuck up someone else's life?
How do you stop worrying about someone else and do for you?
What if something horrible happened, and you had to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life?
I feel so selfish.
If you do what you feel you have to, for yourself, is it right/okay no matter what happens because you were true to yourself?
Is it even about right and wrong?
Gnats are biting me.
I want to fucking kill them.
I just want to relax.
I want the sun to dry my tears.
I want it to soak up my pain.
I want a new day.
I want a new me.
I want hope.
I want strength.
I want to love.
I want to be loved.
I want life.
I want sunshine and laughter and smiles and glitter and ice cream and puppies.
I want. I want. I want.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Waiting vs. Acting
All the time people tell us to dream big, strive to be great. Be a good person, do what makes you happy. But we're also told that things will happen how they're meant to happen in their own time, and that everything happens the way it does for a reason. Even when we don't understand it.
I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.
Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?
If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?
I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?
And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.
I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.
So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.
I'm struggling to find the balance between being patient (or at least trying to be) and waiting for something to happen, and "going after" (and I use that term very, very loosely as I'm not what you'd call a "forward" person, not to mention I'm shy and always worried about doing or saying the wrong thing anyway...) what I want or need. I've noticed a lot of similar things lately so I've been thinking about it a lot.
Is it always okay to fight for what you want, what will make you ultimately happy? I'm generalizing here. I mean, isn't that a decision we're faced with practically daily, obviously on many different levels? Isn't every day an opportunity to be better and happier than the last? Not to mention, there's a difference between being patient and open to something if it were to happen, and wanting... waiting, and hoping that it does. How do you keep yourself from hoping and thinking and what if's and doubts and...?
If you believe something or in something, is it always worth saying or doing something about it rather than to not, just keep hoping and possibly be left to wonder "what if I had said this" or "what if I had done this" forever? And should you still say/do something if you risk embarrassment, or rejection, or shame, or even a broken heart?
I guess it depends how much you believe in something... Yeah, maybe it will just be a mess and blow up in your face. But maybe it won't. Maybe it'll be the best choice you've ever made. Does that possibility in itself make it worth "risking"? I think, if it really did lead to real, true happiness, that maybe it does. But there's no way to know which way it'll go. If we did, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to put ourselves out there to begin with. So how do you decide which road to take? How do you "weigh your options" (pain/sadness/hurt/etc or happiness/love/joy/etc VS. regret/uncertainty/wonder/no risk of being hurt/embarrassed/etc) when you can't possibly know?
And does anything ever just happen totally on its own anyway? I don't think so, not completely. Some things may be overall out of our control, but we're in the positions we're in because of choices WE have made or things WE have done. You have friends because at some point, somewhere you introduced yourself to someone else. You have a job because you sought it out and applied for it. You have material things because you went out and purchased them. If you only sit around your entire life waiting for some higher being (whatever your personal beliefs are) to make everything happen for you, I'd think you'd have a very unfulfilled and probably very lonely life. To some extent, LIFE falls on us and our choices, big and small. And sometimes action is needed.
I think it's human nature to want what will make us happy and to focus on that. Who doesn't want to be happy? Sometimes there's just nothing to do except wait or hope, for something that may or may not ever happen. But it's fucking frustrating. Is it wrong to keep thinking about it or keep hoping for it even if chances are "slim"? What if you're wrong, and the chance is really higher than you think it is? Who determines how likely something is to happen or not? What if circumstances change? Do the chances being "slim" make the thing you want any less desirable? If it's worth wanting so much to begin with, maybe it's worth everything regardless.
So what it really comes down to, I think, is... Waiting vs. acting. How do you decide what to do? How do you know which choice is right? I just don't have the answer.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Why...
Why does a match smell so good after you blow it out?
Why does your favorite shirt always get messed up in the wash?
Why is there never a pen around when you need one?
Why does no one ever call until you're in the middle of something?
Why do shortened workweeks always feel the longest?
Why does morning always come too soon, no matter how much you've slept?
Why don't they still make music like they did in the 90's?
Why do I just have to listen to the end of a song before I get out of the car, even though it's on my mp3 player and I can listen to it anytime I want, as many times as I want?
Why do "internet friends" get me better then RL friends most of the time?
Why is the book always better than the movie?
Why can movies you've already seen, and songs you've already heard still make you cry?
Why isn't there someone who makes hard decisions for us when we're older, just like when we're kids?
Why don't good times last forever?
Why do some people feel an obsessive need to make themselves feel important?
Why do amazing things happen at the most inconvenient times?
Why do the best friends have to be so far away?
Why does love find you when you're not looking for it, and evade you when you are?
Why is there a bad outcome when there are all good choices?
Why aren't the head and the heart always on the same team?
Why isn't there a map for life?
Why isn't the right thing always obvious?
Why can't everything be easy?
Why are there so many why's with no answers?
Why does your favorite shirt always get messed up in the wash?
Why is there never a pen around when you need one?
Why does no one ever call until you're in the middle of something?
Why do shortened workweeks always feel the longest?
Why does morning always come too soon, no matter how much you've slept?
Why don't they still make music like they did in the 90's?
Why do I just have to listen to the end of a song before I get out of the car, even though it's on my mp3 player and I can listen to it anytime I want, as many times as I want?
Why do "internet friends" get me better then RL friends most of the time?
Why is the book always better than the movie?
Why can movies you've already seen, and songs you've already heard still make you cry?
Why isn't there someone who makes hard decisions for us when we're older, just like when we're kids?
Why don't good times last forever?
Why do some people feel an obsessive need to make themselves feel important?
Why do amazing things happen at the most inconvenient times?
Why do the best friends have to be so far away?
Why does love find you when you're not looking for it, and evade you when you are?
Why is there a bad outcome when there are all good choices?
Why aren't the head and the heart always on the same team?
Why isn't there a map for life?
Why isn't the right thing always obvious?
Why can't everything be easy?
Why are there so many why's with no answers?
Monday, August 30, 2010
It Was Then He Felt Alone & Wished That He'd Gone Straight...
Is “jealous” a specifically negative word? Is there a difference between “jealousy” and “envy”? Can you be “jealous” of someone you truly love?
I really dislike feeling like I’m jealous of someone. Especially if that person is someone I really admire and love. It makes me feel like a terrible person. Maybe that’s all some jealousy really is though, is admiration. What’s the difference? That’s the thing I guess. I see jealousy as being negative. To feel jealousy toward someone is a negative feeling. But I don’t think it’s always intended that way. It’s okay to admire people, or maybe to strive to better yourself because of things you admire about another. Isn’t it? I think it can be. If wanting to be better is wanting to improve the person you are, not becoming this entire other person or becoming exactly like someone else.
I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say. Sometimes I think it can be hard to see someone who is exactly the person you would like to be. Does that equal jealousy? I don’t wish bad or harm on anyone; I would never, ever do that. I don’t wish that anyone be less than what they are. I just wish that I was also able to possess some of the qualities or talents or physical attributes or whatever the case may be that I like or admire about someone else. That seems normal to me for anyone that has imperfections they dislike about themselves. But is it actually?
Maybe this is something that will stop as I deal with my insecurities about myself; I’m just having some issues with this. I don’t like feeling this way about someone. It’s even worse because it’s not the first time. And I don’t like questioning things needlessly because of it, either.
Everything happens for a reason…hell, maybe this is some weird backwards way to get to a change that’s just supposed to happen. I don’t want to think that way, but, it’s possible. It could be absolutely nothing and how things are could be how they’re supposed to be. And it could also be totally wrong. But does that mean I should be open to other “options” for lack of a better word? Should I entertain thoughts that I normally wouldn’t because I’m unsure of something else? How do you ever truly know that something is right and it’s how it’s supposed to be? Can you ever be completely sure? Or is it just always possible that one day, something can make everything change, because it was never right in the first place and you just didn’t know it? And then what do you do if it’s too late for anything else, and you’ve missed your right because you were so wrapped up in making the wrong work? Or will your "right" always find a way to work out?
I like to believe in destiny, and fate, and true love, and all that happily ever after romantic happy stuff that happens in the movies. Why? Well, because it’s nice to believe that love conquers all. It’s nice to believe there’s one person made especially for you, and that you will find your way to them one way or another. It's nice to believe that no matter what you go through, one day life will be perfect. It’d be amazing if all of life was like that. But no part of life is a sure thing. Well, except that everyone will die at some point. That’s a nice thought, huh? The one sure thing there is in life and it’s that fabulous.
I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I wish life came with a manual so you always knew what you were supposed to do and what path you were supposed to take. Sure it might take out some of the excitement I guess, but it’d also get rid of a lot of the pain and uncertainty. I may be at a crossroads. I may not be. So I have no fucking clue where to go from here.
I really dislike feeling like I’m jealous of someone. Especially if that person is someone I really admire and love. It makes me feel like a terrible person. Maybe that’s all some jealousy really is though, is admiration. What’s the difference? That’s the thing I guess. I see jealousy as being negative. To feel jealousy toward someone is a negative feeling. But I don’t think it’s always intended that way. It’s okay to admire people, or maybe to strive to better yourself because of things you admire about another. Isn’t it? I think it can be. If wanting to be better is wanting to improve the person you are, not becoming this entire other person or becoming exactly like someone else.
I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say. Sometimes I think it can be hard to see someone who is exactly the person you would like to be. Does that equal jealousy? I don’t wish bad or harm on anyone; I would never, ever do that. I don’t wish that anyone be less than what they are. I just wish that I was also able to possess some of the qualities or talents or physical attributes or whatever the case may be that I like or admire about someone else. That seems normal to me for anyone that has imperfections they dislike about themselves. But is it actually?
Maybe this is something that will stop as I deal with my insecurities about myself; I’m just having some issues with this. I don’t like feeling this way about someone. It’s even worse because it’s not the first time. And I don’t like questioning things needlessly because of it, either.
Everything happens for a reason…hell, maybe this is some weird backwards way to get to a change that’s just supposed to happen. I don’t want to think that way, but, it’s possible. It could be absolutely nothing and how things are could be how they’re supposed to be. And it could also be totally wrong. But does that mean I should be open to other “options” for lack of a better word? Should I entertain thoughts that I normally wouldn’t because I’m unsure of something else? How do you ever truly know that something is right and it’s how it’s supposed to be? Can you ever be completely sure? Or is it just always possible that one day, something can make everything change, because it was never right in the first place and you just didn’t know it? And then what do you do if it’s too late for anything else, and you’ve missed your right because you were so wrapped up in making the wrong work? Or will your "right" always find a way to work out?
I like to believe in destiny, and fate, and true love, and all that happily ever after romantic happy stuff that happens in the movies. Why? Well, because it’s nice to believe that love conquers all. It’s nice to believe there’s one person made especially for you, and that you will find your way to them one way or another. It's nice to believe that no matter what you go through, one day life will be perfect. It’d be amazing if all of life was like that. But no part of life is a sure thing. Well, except that everyone will die at some point. That’s a nice thought, huh? The one sure thing there is in life and it’s that fabulous.
I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I wish life came with a manual so you always knew what you were supposed to do and what path you were supposed to take. Sure it might take out some of the excitement I guess, but it’d also get rid of a lot of the pain and uncertainty. I may be at a crossroads. I may not be. So I have no fucking clue where to go from here.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
At the Core I've Forgotten, In The Middle of My Thoughts...
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." ~ Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
Some of you may or may not know that this Sunday, August 29, 2010 marks 5 years since Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast spanning from Louisiana to the Florida panhandle. Today I attended a ceremony marking the closing of one of the last remaining religious-based non-profit/volunteer camps still left in this area. While I wasn't here when Katrina hit, I arrived about 6 months later and could still see so much of the devastation. I can't even begin to imagine what the people of this area have gone through.
But today I realized, I never really have imagined exactly what these people have been through. Can you imagine swimming out of your second-story window as cars float past you? Can you imagine walking (because there's no gas and because there's too much debris in the streets to drive even if there was) past bodies scattered all over the place? Can you imagine watching your home be destroyed, or leaving for your safety and not knowing if you even have anything to go back to? Can you imagine waiting days, if not weeks to know if your family members are even alive?
I can't. And yet I sit here many days, and I feel sad, and I hate my life and wonder why things can't go my way. I am not ungrateful. For anything in my life. But, I also think I often fail to recognize and remember exactly how good I have it. That although things may be hard, and I may struggle from time to time, when it comes down to it - I have a wonderful and blessed life. Who the hell do I think I am? How dare I think my life so horrible after what so many have suffered through and STILL struggle to overcome. Of course we all have trials and tribulations in our lives, but there's always someone worse off. There are people here who have literally lost everything. People have lost their belongings, irreplaceable things and memories like pictures and home movies, and even actual family members. But it didn't stop them. They kept going. They didn't give up. I have an unexpected bill or expense come up and my entire life is just chaos. Really? REALLY? People lost ev-ery-thing. And not only did they deal with it, live through it. They overcame it. They mentally and physically worked through it. They REBUILT their entire lives. And they did it despite their sorrow, and their devastation. They never lost hope. Nothing in my life even begins to compare.
My work has allowed me to see first-hand that the work here is far from done. A lot of people think that since it's not on the news anymore, it must all be taken care of, it must be fixed. That's so far from true. I urge everyone to take a few minutes to remember the devastation that not only happened here, but as a result of natural disasters all over the world. If you're able, volunteer for a day, or donate a couple bucks. Most of the time it's tax deductible. Think about all that a few hours of your time and a few bills from your wallet can do if everyone did a little bit. Remember that just because it's not on the news tonight, it doesn't mean the need isn't still there, and that actual living, breathing people do still need help.
It's easy to get caught up in our lives and forget about those who are not as fortunate as we are. I know I'm guilty of it. I guess I just needed a little reminder. I'm glad I got it. My heart is heavy, but I'm inspired. It's time to move forward.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Stronger Than Yesterday...
Christ, it's only Tuesday? It's gonna be a long one, folks.
I'm doing much better this week. I'd like to apologize for my last entry. I've debated removing it all-together but, it is what it is. The few of you that actually read this know that I'm here and I'm fine, and it's all part of the process I guess. Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't share as much as I do. Even though writing for me is just a way of venting a bit or releasing some stress, I don't know that I can always word things correctly and say what I feel I need to whilst assuring everyone that I'm "alright"...as in not going to do something stupid or whatever. I don't know what I'm trying to say. "How much is too much," perhaps? Or is that what a blog is for in the first place? Would it have the same effect if I wrote it in a diary and I was the only one who ever read it? I guess I won't really know unless I try. We'll see.
Anyway, so this week is better. Things have kind of taken an interesting turn and I feel very good about the direction. Compromise can be really hard to find, let alone actually DO. But I think if you can finally get there it can help things more than you even thought it could. Why is it so difficult for people to just accept some things the way they are? Or to accept people the way that they are? Especially things that we cannot change? Maybe it isn't hard for everyone, but it is for me. I've talked about this before I know, but causing myself stress over things I can't change only hurts ME. And it still won't change the situation. Soooo...it's really time to quit that shit. And I've found that being in a better mindset like I have been the last few days, I've been able to do it a little bit more. So I'm hoping this is a really good sign and that things are going to continue looking up and moving in the right direction.
Why do some people get possessive over other people? Like, no one even has a right to be possessive over someone else. I don't get it. You can be close to someone, but to act as though you have some sort of "hold" on them or "claim" to them is just wrong in my opinion. A lot of times you're just throwing something in other peoples' faces, or making people feel bad. Friendship isn't a competition...at least it shouldn't be. Chances are other people also care about the person you do, but it's not necessary to continuously like...display the fact that you are closer to them than other people. I don't really know exactly what I'm trying to say. Maybe it's just jealousy showing its ugly face. And I'm sure we're all guilty of doing this at some time or another. I doubt that's the intention, but it's definitely how it comes off... and sometimes it's just rubbing it in people's faces.
Not that I didn't already know, but lately I'm constantly reminded of just how amazing the people in my life are. I am so, so blessed with some of the most wonderful people that I can call my friends. That may sound sappy and stupid, but if that bothers you you can piss off, because it has to be said. I truly don't know where I'd be right now without the incredible support, advice, and LOVE that you have all given me, many of you regardless of your own current stressful life situations. You are a reminder that there are still truly good people in the world and the definition of what selflessness and real friendship is. While I absolutely hate (a word I so greatly dislike) that so many of us are going through so much, I am grateful that we are able to support each other in so many different ways and situations. Maybe together we can all find our individual strengths to allow us to get through whatever life has, is, or will throw at us. You are all so important to me. Thank you for being a part of my life, and a part of me.
Thanks, as always, for taking the time to look in on me. Half the time I feel like I'm crazy and that the things I go through are so ridiculous and different from everyone else, and you guys remind me that someone, somewhere understands, I'm never alone, and one day I'll be okay. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. xx
I'm doing much better this week. I'd like to apologize for my last entry. I've debated removing it all-together but, it is what it is. The few of you that actually read this know that I'm here and I'm fine, and it's all part of the process I guess. Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't share as much as I do. Even though writing for me is just a way of venting a bit or releasing some stress, I don't know that I can always word things correctly and say what I feel I need to whilst assuring everyone that I'm "alright"...as in not going to do something stupid or whatever. I don't know what I'm trying to say. "How much is too much," perhaps? Or is that what a blog is for in the first place? Would it have the same effect if I wrote it in a diary and I was the only one who ever read it? I guess I won't really know unless I try. We'll see.
Anyway, so this week is better. Things have kind of taken an interesting turn and I feel very good about the direction. Compromise can be really hard to find, let alone actually DO. But I think if you can finally get there it can help things more than you even thought it could. Why is it so difficult for people to just accept some things the way they are? Or to accept people the way that they are? Especially things that we cannot change? Maybe it isn't hard for everyone, but it is for me. I've talked about this before I know, but causing myself stress over things I can't change only hurts ME. And it still won't change the situation. Soooo...it's really time to quit that shit. And I've found that being in a better mindset like I have been the last few days, I've been able to do it a little bit more. So I'm hoping this is a really good sign and that things are going to continue looking up and moving in the right direction.
Why do some people get possessive over other people? Like, no one even has a right to be possessive over someone else. I don't get it. You can be close to someone, but to act as though you have some sort of "hold" on them or "claim" to them is just wrong in my opinion. A lot of times you're just throwing something in other peoples' faces, or making people feel bad. Friendship isn't a competition...at least it shouldn't be. Chances are other people also care about the person you do, but it's not necessary to continuously like...display the fact that you are closer to them than other people. I don't really know exactly what I'm trying to say. Maybe it's just jealousy showing its ugly face. And I'm sure we're all guilty of doing this at some time or another. I doubt that's the intention, but it's definitely how it comes off... and sometimes it's just rubbing it in people's faces.
Not that I didn't already know, but lately I'm constantly reminded of just how amazing the people in my life are. I am so, so blessed with some of the most wonderful people that I can call my friends. That may sound sappy and stupid, but if that bothers you you can piss off, because it has to be said. I truly don't know where I'd be right now without the incredible support, advice, and LOVE that you have all given me, many of you regardless of your own current stressful life situations. You are a reminder that there are still truly good people in the world and the definition of what selflessness and real friendship is. While I absolutely hate (a word I so greatly dislike) that so many of us are going through so much, I am grateful that we are able to support each other in so many different ways and situations. Maybe together we can all find our individual strengths to allow us to get through whatever life has, is, or will throw at us. You are all so important to me. Thank you for being a part of my life, and a part of me.
Thanks, as always, for taking the time to look in on me. Half the time I feel like I'm crazy and that the things I go through are so ridiculous and different from everyone else, and you guys remind me that someone, somewhere understands, I'm never alone, and one day I'll be okay. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. xx
Friday, August 20, 2010
Vent. Release.
What do you do when your world is falling down around you? Piece by piece, minute by minute? I'm tired of trying to rebuild everything one brick at a time, only to have it come crashing down around me again before I can even finish it. And having it tear me apart one little piece at a time. I hate fighting. Not only with others but within myself. I don't wanna fight anymore. One step forward equals 100 steps back. Sadness and anger are taking me over. This isn't who I wanna be. What happened to the person I used to know? Can I ever really get her back? What if this isn't something that I can overcome? What if it isn't something that will work out in the end? Maybe those are just things we tell ourselves to keep going. I don't want to keep going without the guarantee that in some way, shape or form, it will be better. And I can't get that. No one can give it to me. No one can say without a single doubt that it will be okay. That I will be okay. I want a sure thing. The fear is too much. The pain is too much. No one's experience is the same, and there's no instruction book to tell you exactly how to do this. I wish there was. I wish there was a fail-proof set of instructions for all the hard things in life. The exact way to deal with pain, hurt, distance, death. I guess that's one bad thing about everyone being different. If we were all the same, what worked for someone else could work for me too. But we're not. No one can tell me exactly what I need to do. And that's what I need. I need concrete direction. I need...I don't know what I need. But I'm not sure I can do it. It's not working. And I'm not just being impatient. Seven years is not impatient. It's a hell of a long time to fight for things to only be worse. The pain is just too much. My heart aches. It aches with sadness, and with hurt, and with loss, and with potential loss. It aches with fear. I'm scared. I'm really scared.
I know some of you will, but please don't worry. Writing helps me release some...whatever. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't.
I know some of you will, but please don't worry. Writing helps me release some...whatever. I'm not going anywhere, I'm still here. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
You Ain't All That.
Sometimes I just really wonder where people get their sense of self-importance. Even if you were like...the best thing to ever walk the face of the planet...does that give you a right to be rude, inconsiderate or talk down to other people? I don't think so. Honestly.. having more money, or being more successful, or being more powerful than other people doesn't change the fact that you're an asshole if you treat other people badly. I just don't know what makes people think they have this right. Nothing gives a human being the right to purposely hurt another, whether it be physically, emotionally, verbally, whatever. It's just wrong. People a lot more talented, wealthy, famous or whatever can manage to treat people with respect and dignity...some people just need to keep that in mind.
I wish I could just be happy all the time. I don't even think I care what it would take. Even a false happiness might be better at this point. I'm tired of being sad and feeling crappy. I'm sick of mood swings and one thing completely effing up my day. I just wanna be happy. It doesn't seem like that should be so difficult.
I wish I could just be happy all the time. I don't even think I care what it would take. Even a false happiness might be better at this point. I'm tired of being sad and feeling crappy. I'm sick of mood swings and one thing completely effing up my day. I just wanna be happy. It doesn't seem like that should be so difficult.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
If My Day Keeps Going This Way I Just Might...
Today was another one of those "everybody hates me" days. I just can't understand why I do this to myself, repeatedly. I'm sure this was partly due to my exhaustion from the week, among other things but it knocked me on my ass. It's actually the most alone and isolated I've felt in a really long time. Nothing specific even happened. I just woke up with this overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation. I literally went to the mall and walked around aimlessly by myself because if I had to stay in this house one more second I was going to break something. I wish I could at least figure out what the trigger was for stuff like this. I felt it a little bit yesterday afternoon but not as overwhelmingly as today. Who the hell knows. I just know I sit here giving myself a damn pep-talk about how stupid I'm being, but my brain still thinks how it does. I have someone who's going to help me work on...not this specifically, but myself in general, and my negative thinking. Have you ever paid attention to how much you speak negatively to yourself? It's no wonder I have so many insecurities and issues...I'm pretty hard on myself. I'm told it all comes from somewhere/time during our lives, so I guess "it" shapes us to be this way. But I'm not willing to accept that it isn't something that can be changed. I just have to figure out the right way to do it. Thank you to those who called/texted/tweeted, etc. I love and appreciate you more than I can say. Truly.
I realized last night on the way to New Orleans for the concert that sunsets are pretty fucking beautiful. How did I never realize that before? I grew up practically on the beach for God sakes. Probably never paid enough attention. How much of the beautiful things in life do I miss because I'm just not paying attention? I'm hyper-aware of things like who is around me or how long that car has been behind me (maybe "paranoid" is a better word), but I've never noticed how fucking amazing a sunset really is? I want to watch more sunsets. I want to see them in beautiful places so that they're even more amazing. There is something so soothing about them, and the colors are just...gorgeous. I'm awed. I guess it's the simple things in life.
I wish I had taken my appetite suppressant this morning. I'm fucking starving, and I have like no calories left. Fuck you, delicious peanut butter cookie at the mall...you were good for the stress, but not for my tummy.
I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" with a friend today. I think I liked it. It was pretty long. It's a great story, and I know it's true, but I dunno. I can't really explain how I feel about it. Julia Roberts was fabulous though, as always. But for most of the movie my thoughts were on how pretty her hair is. It could be I'm just completely out of it today. Likely.
I think that's all I have to say. This was pretty meaningless. I'd say I was just trying to clear my head but mostly I was trying to take my mind off food. You can see how well that worked. I'm deciding at this moment if it's worth going over today if I do really, really well all week. I should know I'm just going to end up eating because I have no willpower, so it's not really worth prolonging it. I did well for the first four days, so one fuck up isn't bad (especially for me and my lack of willpower). Yeah, I'm gonna go eat something now. Make sure you check out my previous blog for my Thriving Ivory/Ryan Star review from last night. They're playing near some of you. You should go. Mmmm...pizza, maybe. xx
I realized last night on the way to New Orleans for the concert that sunsets are pretty fucking beautiful. How did I never realize that before? I grew up practically on the beach for God sakes. Probably never paid enough attention. How much of the beautiful things in life do I miss because I'm just not paying attention? I'm hyper-aware of things like who is around me or how long that car has been behind me (maybe "paranoid" is a better word), but I've never noticed how fucking amazing a sunset really is? I want to watch more sunsets. I want to see them in beautiful places so that they're even more amazing. There is something so soothing about them, and the colors are just...gorgeous. I'm awed. I guess it's the simple things in life.
I wish I had taken my appetite suppressant this morning. I'm fucking starving, and I have like no calories left. Fuck you, delicious peanut butter cookie at the mall...you were good for the stress, but not for my tummy.
I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" with a friend today. I think I liked it. It was pretty long. It's a great story, and I know it's true, but I dunno. I can't really explain how I feel about it. Julia Roberts was fabulous though, as always. But for most of the movie my thoughts were on how pretty her hair is. It could be I'm just completely out of it today. Likely.
I think that's all I have to say. This was pretty meaningless. I'd say I was just trying to clear my head but mostly I was trying to take my mind off food. You can see how well that worked. I'm deciding at this moment if it's worth going over today if I do really, really well all week. I should know I'm just going to end up eating because I have no willpower, so it's not really worth prolonging it. I did well for the first four days, so one fuck up isn't bad (especially for me and my lack of willpower). Yeah, I'm gonna go eat something now. Make sure you check out my previous blog for my Thriving Ivory/Ryan Star review from last night. They're playing near some of you. You should go. Mmmm...pizza, maybe. xx
Thriving Ivory/Ryan Star Review.
Once again, as we all know, I'm a complete concert snob. I'm sick of most "popular" music out there today because half the artists out there don't have enough actual talent without the help of autotune to deserve to be on the radio in the first place. I'm always a tad weary of live shows just because these days you never know whether the artist will actually "live up" to their record or even sound halfway decent for that matter. So, as we made our way to New Orleans, LA last night (which terrifies the piss out of me anyway), I tried to keep my expectations fairly moderate...
Ryan Star (http://www.rstar.net/) was the opener for Thriving Ivory, who we'd seen previously last July. When we decided to go to the show, I downloaded his music from Amazon so I could get feel for it and because I like to try to somewhat know the music before I see someone live. I was really impressed with his songs, and especially his voice. I'd compare him to Adam Pascal (of RENT fame), which in my humble opinion, is a very, very good thing. I ended up listening to him all week long leading up to the show and would highly recommend both of his albums for a mixture of rock, great vocals, catchy beats and even some humor. ANYWAY, let's try to stay on topic here. The show. I was actually really excited to see his set and hear him live. The guy was FAN-TASTIC. Not ONLY did he sound even better than on the record, but he is a really great performer on top of it. I loved the interaction with the crowd (which was a weird, fairly quiet crowd IMO), I loved his band, I loved how all of the songs seemed harder and louder than I was expecting. I don't really see how I could have been more impressed (except for maybe getting to watch him play even longer). I would highly recommend that you ALL check him out and you know that means a lot coming from me. He continues on tour through Texas and into LA among other places and I KNOW some of y'all are there. So do yourselves a favor and don't miss it...my concert ticket was like 12 bucks or some shit. It's a win-win.
Frankly, I thought that his set was SO good, I was doubting that Thriving Ivory would be able to "top" it. As I mentioned briefly, we had seen them previously last July in Birmingham, AL. Though I'd also downloaded their music beforehand, I wasn't as impressed with their live show. I guess the venue was having some sound issues and whatnot, but I just didn't really feel it. It wasn't a bad show, just not the best show in the world. But, as we don't really get a lot of shows down our way and it's a band we both know, we decided to make the trip over to NOLA from Mississippi and check it out. I'm SO glad we did. This show was 100% better than last year's. The lead singer was very good, and though his voice live sounds a little more gritty than on the record to me, I actually like it better. The band is so good I couldn't decide whether to watch him sing, the guitar player, the piano player or the drummer...it was like whiplash from trying to watch everything all at once. They played three new songs that will be on their album (coming out September 14th) and I loved each of them, specifically the first one that was piano-heavy (which you all know I love). Of course I can't remember any of the names, but I can tell you I'll definitely be picking that up. They even seemed to interact with the crowd more than I remember from last year. I was very, very impressed, and would without question go see them again.
To wrap up...obviously, a really great concert experience. Two really fucking fantastic acts, and they each played about an hour which was also great (despite that we had a 1.5 hr drive home and had to be up at 4:30am to go to the airport). That being said, we didn't stay to "say hi" but both bands did meet n greets after the show as well, which is always cool of people to take the time to do. Well worth it though. Seriously, y'all....if these guys are playing near you go check it out; especially if it's together.
Ryan's Dates: http://www.rstar.net/tour-dates/ (also playing w/ Justin Nozuka)
Thriving Ivory's Dates: http://www.thrivingivory.com/#/tour
If you can't see them live, I still highly recommend both albums. If you like my usual music rec's, I think you'll be impressed too. Thanks for reading. xx
Ryan Star (http://www.rstar.net/) was the opener for Thriving Ivory, who we'd seen previously last July. When we decided to go to the show, I downloaded his music from Amazon so I could get feel for it and because I like to try to somewhat know the music before I see someone live. I was really impressed with his songs, and especially his voice. I'd compare him to Adam Pascal (of RENT fame), which in my humble opinion, is a very, very good thing. I ended up listening to him all week long leading up to the show and would highly recommend both of his albums for a mixture of rock, great vocals, catchy beats and even some humor. ANYWAY, let's try to stay on topic here. The show. I was actually really excited to see his set and hear him live. The guy was FAN-TASTIC. Not ONLY did he sound even better than on the record, but he is a really great performer on top of it. I loved the interaction with the crowd (which was a weird, fairly quiet crowd IMO), I loved his band, I loved how all of the songs seemed harder and louder than I was expecting. I don't really see how I could have been more impressed (except for maybe getting to watch him play even longer). I would highly recommend that you ALL check him out and you know that means a lot coming from me. He continues on tour through Texas and into LA among other places and I KNOW some of y'all are there. So do yourselves a favor and don't miss it...my concert ticket was like 12 bucks or some shit. It's a win-win.
Frankly, I thought that his set was SO good, I was doubting that Thriving Ivory would be able to "top" it. As I mentioned briefly, we had seen them previously last July in Birmingham, AL. Though I'd also downloaded their music beforehand, I wasn't as impressed with their live show. I guess the venue was having some sound issues and whatnot, but I just didn't really feel it. It wasn't a bad show, just not the best show in the world. But, as we don't really get a lot of shows down our way and it's a band we both know, we decided to make the trip over to NOLA from Mississippi and check it out. I'm SO glad we did. This show was 100% better than last year's. The lead singer was very good, and though his voice live sounds a little more gritty than on the record to me, I actually like it better. The band is so good I couldn't decide whether to watch him sing, the guitar player, the piano player or the drummer...it was like whiplash from trying to watch everything all at once. They played three new songs that will be on their album (coming out September 14th) and I loved each of them, specifically the first one that was piano-heavy (which you all know I love). Of course I can't remember any of the names, but I can tell you I'll definitely be picking that up. They even seemed to interact with the crowd more than I remember from last year. I was very, very impressed, and would without question go see them again.
To wrap up...obviously, a really great concert experience. Two really fucking fantastic acts, and they each played about an hour which was also great (despite that we had a 1.5 hr drive home and had to be up at 4:30am to go to the airport). That being said, we didn't stay to "say hi" but both bands did meet n greets after the show as well, which is always cool of people to take the time to do. Well worth it though. Seriously, y'all....if these guys are playing near you go check it out; especially if it's together.
Ryan's Dates: http://www.rstar.net/tour-dates/ (also playing w/ Justin Nozuka)
Thriving Ivory's Dates: http://www.thrivingivory.com/#/tour
If you can't see them live, I still highly recommend both albums. If you like my usual music rec's, I think you'll be impressed too. Thanks for reading. xx
Friday, August 13, 2010
Miscellaneous...
It's been a very long week. The fact that Wednesday felt like Thursday, and therefore Thursday felt like Friday only made it longer. I had a bunch of appointments all week and haven't been sleeping much at all, so I think that's made it feel more extended as well. Sleep problems aren't new to me, I've pretty much dealt with them my entire life. From as simple as not ever being able to wake up in the morning (no matter how long I've slept) to laying awake at night for hours trying to fall asleep. Those problems I'm used to. The last week and a half has been waking up about a bajillion times throughout the night, and taking forever to fall back to sleep. Every couple of hours it seems. And that's after struggling to get to sleep anyway. One of the most frustrating things is to be exhausted, but not SLEEPY. Completely drained, but not TIRED. Very frustrating. Anyway...I saw my doctor today and she refilled my sleeping aid, so hopefully that'll help. I've also been getting headaches every day, which I generally don't. Kinda wondering if the two are related...so hopefully, if they are, when I sleep, the headaches will quit. I can't remember what my point was here...side effects of the sleeping pills: I'm a liiiiiittle bit loopy til I finally crash.
I'll be going on a trip next month to see two of the most amazing people I know. Could. Not. Be. MORE. Excited. I don't really want to talk about details but those of you who I know well probably know at least some of them anyway. I just wanted to talk about it a little bit because I'm so, SO excited. There were some other plans that fell through for a later date that I am ridiculously upset about, even still. BUT, I am trying to stay positive and focus on how much I'm looking forward to going somewhere new, especially somewhere so beautiful. And of course, I'm thrilled to see my friends. Beyond thrilled. Sometimes, I wish we could ALL be together in one place. That would be crazy and wonderful. One day, if I'm rich and famous, I'll buy myself an island for me and everyone I love. And everyone else shall be banned. And we'll wave at them from our island as the music rocks, the drinks are a-plenty and it's happiness all day every day. (Right now you're thinking, "WHAT is she taking, and where can I get some of that?!" bwahaha... sorry...) Anyway, back on topic...I'll be going in about a month, and will spend about a week with two of my besties. Someone come up with a word for "excited x a bajillion" - and that's what I am. No if's, and's or but's aboot it. :)
There's a lot of other stuff going on, but I want to stay on positive topics. Trying to keep myself up, keep my head outta the sand. I'll be alone next week BUT, I'm going to a great concert in New Orleans tomorrow night (Thriving Ivory & Ryan Star) and on Sunday it'll be a girls day of shopping and a movie. On Wednesday or Thursday a good friend that used to live down here is coming to visit before starting her new job in Americus, GA, so she'll spend the rest of the week with me and the pups (who she used to dog-sit for all the time). Going to be some changes coming soon but I'm trying to be prepared and stay calm and handle things as they come. I keep telling myself it's going to be okay. The one who can make it okay is me, right? I'll be getting some help with that, at least to start. But that's for another time and place.
I'm going to end my incoherent ramblings here. I do want to pimp something just a little. Everyone please check out Poppy Cafe, an amazing new live music venue in Vancouver (http://www.poppycafe.com/). You can check event dates on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/tallpoppypresents) & follow them on Twitter at @poppycafe for updates. Stay tuned to them for all kinds of great music, brought to you (weekly?) by some pretty fucking amazing folks, frankly. I can say this because I know how fabulous they are, and how talented and capable they are. Expect big things, methinks. The sky is the limit.
So I think that's all. Meds are kicking in, so I think it's sleepy time for this girl. Love love love. xx
I'll be going on a trip next month to see two of the most amazing people I know. Could. Not. Be. MORE. Excited. I don't really want to talk about details but those of you who I know well probably know at least some of them anyway. I just wanted to talk about it a little bit because I'm so, SO excited. There were some other plans that fell through for a later date that I am ridiculously upset about, even still. BUT, I am trying to stay positive and focus on how much I'm looking forward to going somewhere new, especially somewhere so beautiful. And of course, I'm thrilled to see my friends. Beyond thrilled. Sometimes, I wish we could ALL be together in one place. That would be crazy and wonderful. One day, if I'm rich and famous, I'll buy myself an island for me and everyone I love. And everyone else shall be banned. And we'll wave at them from our island as the music rocks, the drinks are a-plenty and it's happiness all day every day. (Right now you're thinking, "WHAT is she taking, and where can I get some of that?!" bwahaha... sorry...) Anyway, back on topic...I'll be going in about a month, and will spend about a week with two of my besties. Someone come up with a word for "excited x a bajillion" - and that's what I am. No if's, and's or but's aboot it. :)
There's a lot of other stuff going on, but I want to stay on positive topics. Trying to keep myself up, keep my head outta the sand. I'll be alone next week BUT, I'm going to a great concert in New Orleans tomorrow night (Thriving Ivory & Ryan Star) and on Sunday it'll be a girls day of shopping and a movie. On Wednesday or Thursday a good friend that used to live down here is coming to visit before starting her new job in Americus, GA, so she'll spend the rest of the week with me and the pups (who she used to dog-sit for all the time). Going to be some changes coming soon but I'm trying to be prepared and stay calm and handle things as they come. I keep telling myself it's going to be okay. The one who can make it okay is me, right? I'll be getting some help with that, at least to start. But that's for another time and place.
I'm going to end my incoherent ramblings here. I do want to pimp something just a little. Everyone please check out Poppy Cafe, an amazing new live music venue in Vancouver (http://www.poppycafe.com/). You can check event dates on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/tallpoppypresents) & follow them on Twitter at @poppycafe for updates. Stay tuned to them for all kinds of great music, brought to you (weekly?) by some pretty fucking amazing folks, frankly. I can say this because I know how fabulous they are, and how talented and capable they are. Expect big things, methinks. The sky is the limit.
So I think that's all. Meds are kicking in, so I think it's sleepy time for this girl. Love love love. xx
Saturday, August 7, 2010
We'd Bring Back Me & You, In Part Two
I love watching movies. I find it weirdly calming, even if the move itself isn't necessarily a calm movie. Then again, it's not like I watch scary, gory flicks...I can't handle them. I'm a huge baby. I like romantic comedies and some "action/suspense" stuff (and by that I mean like...Armageddon, Air Force One, etc.)...so really nothing very hardcore. The scariest movie I've ever seen is probably The Village. And that was on accident, cuz I didn't know what it was about. I like trilogies/series...I guess I like being able to watch the continuation of characters and/or storylines I really like. Today's flicks include Dazed & Confused, and The Mighty Ducks trilogy. I do love sports movies...which is weird because I don't really like watching sports. I also kinda love Joshua Jackson and Emilio Estevez. (EMILIOOOOOOOO!!!)
Anyway, you can't usually go wrong with Disney. I can't anyway. I love everything Disney...Disney movies, Disney music, Disney World/land...all of it. My husband thinks half my brain is still a teenager. He may be right. But I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that. I've always been told I'm fairly mature for my age as far as life matters and whatnot, so I think it can be a good thing to have a childlike view in some cases. What's the harm in liking silly pop music, or silly movies, or wanting everything to have a happy ending? Not that I'm naive; I'm well aware that life isn't just "happily ever after" ... things don't work that way. But how much simpler was everything when we were young, and without responsibility, without worry? If some form of entertainment allows us to escape the pressures of the real world for a few minutes, an hour or two, what's the harm in that?
Anyway, I thought that I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies. Just for fun. Cuz I'm sure you're dying to know. But, if you haven't seen any of them, you should check them out. Netflix is pretty great...and if you watch movies as much as I do, you definitely get your money's worth, haha. Leave me some good rec's in the comments section. Just remember I don't do scary, yucky or sucky. ;)
Star Wars (obviously)
Grease
Dirty Dancing (I even liked the sequel)
August Rush
Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Spaceballs
Indiana Jones
The Notebook
Fanboys (only if you've seen Star Wars)
Finding Neverland
Harry Potter
Pretty Woman
Hairspray (I like the newer version better)
PS: I Love You
Ladybugs
Rush Hour Trilogy
The Bourne Trilogy
The Pirates of the Carribean Trilogy
Ocean's 11 & 12
Titanic
Ace Ventura 1 & 2 (but mostly 2)
13 Going On 30
Um...*mumblesquickly*HighSchoolMusical*cough*
The Holiday
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Walk The Line
Enchanted
The Guardian
Tin Cup
Sleepless In Seattle
Meet The Fockers
How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days
LOTR
Splash
Big
Man on Fire
Sweet Home Alabama
That Thing You Do!
Field of Dreams
A League of Their Own
Remember The Titans
Rounders
The Bodyguard
Blazing Saddles (was my dad's absolute most favorite movie ever)
Catch Me If You Can
Pride & Prejudice
....tons more, but that's all for now I think. You're welcome.
xoxo
Anyway, you can't usually go wrong with Disney. I can't anyway. I love everything Disney...Disney movies, Disney music, Disney World/land...all of it. My husband thinks half my brain is still a teenager. He may be right. But I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with that. I've always been told I'm fairly mature for my age as far as life matters and whatnot, so I think it can be a good thing to have a childlike view in some cases. What's the harm in liking silly pop music, or silly movies, or wanting everything to have a happy ending? Not that I'm naive; I'm well aware that life isn't just "happily ever after" ... things don't work that way. But how much simpler was everything when we were young, and without responsibility, without worry? If some form of entertainment allows us to escape the pressures of the real world for a few minutes, an hour or two, what's the harm in that?
Anyway, I thought that I'd make a list of some of my favorite movies. Just for fun. Cuz I'm sure you're dying to know. But, if you haven't seen any of them, you should check them out. Netflix is pretty great...and if you watch movies as much as I do, you definitely get your money's worth, haha. Leave me some good rec's in the comments section. Just remember I don't do scary, yucky or sucky. ;)
Star Wars (obviously)
Grease
Dirty Dancing (I even liked the sequel)
August Rush
Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Spaceballs
Indiana Jones
The Notebook
Fanboys (only if you've seen Star Wars)
Finding Neverland
Harry Potter
Pretty Woman
Hairspray (I like the newer version better)
PS: I Love You
Ladybugs
Rush Hour Trilogy
The Bourne Trilogy
The Pirates of the Carribean Trilogy
Ocean's 11 & 12
Titanic
Ace Ventura 1 & 2 (but mostly 2)
13 Going On 30
Um...*mumblesquickly*HighSchoolMusical*cough*
The Holiday
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Walk The Line
Enchanted
The Guardian
Tin Cup
Sleepless In Seattle
Meet The Fockers
How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days
LOTR
Splash
Big
Man on Fire
Sweet Home Alabama
That Thing You Do!
Field of Dreams
A League of Their Own
Remember The Titans
Rounders
The Bodyguard
Blazing Saddles (was my dad's absolute most favorite movie ever)
Catch Me If You Can
Pride & Prejudice
....tons more, but that's all for now I think. You're welcome.
xoxo
Thursday, August 5, 2010
He Said, She Said
Do you ever feel like everyone knows something you don't? Like there's some big secret you've been left out of? That's my days yesterday and today. I know it's in my head, and I know I do this to myself. It's the effect of having a crap week and all of my insecurities working together to make myself feel out of place, unwanted and like I've done something wrong. Why do I always do this to myself? The second I think I see something "different" or something "changed" I think the worst and work myself up over what always turns out to be absolutely nothing.
Two things are wrong with this. First of all, I shouldn't need this constant reassurance I apparently crave. I am a good person, I strive to be the best I can. I'm a good friend. I keep my word and I keep my mouth shut when I'm supposed to. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but no one is and we all do. I love my friends and they (hopefully) know this.
Secondly, it's not the responsibility of the people in my life to have to meet that ridiculous need. I would hope anyone I actually consider to be my friend would come to me if they had a problem with me, just like I would with them, and that should be enough.
This is so stupid, and I don't know why I do it. It makes me mad at myself. And it's probably really irritating to everyone else. I know I have a lot of shit I need to work on...this is just one more thing. I hoped maybe trying to put shit into words would get some stuff outta my head but I don't know anymore. I feel completely helpless to everything this week...like anything that can go wrong will. Which is probably why I'm being stupid and feeling this way. I guess it's life...it'll get better eventually. What's that saying.... 'God won't give me more than I can handle. But I sure wish he didn't trust me so damn much.'
I appreciate the love. Frankly, I appreciate you dealing with my stupid ass. Love love. xx
Two things are wrong with this. First of all, I shouldn't need this constant reassurance I apparently crave. I am a good person, I strive to be the best I can. I'm a good friend. I keep my word and I keep my mouth shut when I'm supposed to. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but no one is and we all do. I love my friends and they (hopefully) know this.
Secondly, it's not the responsibility of the people in my life to have to meet that ridiculous need. I would hope anyone I actually consider to be my friend would come to me if they had a problem with me, just like I would with them, and that should be enough.
This is so stupid, and I don't know why I do it. It makes me mad at myself. And it's probably really irritating to everyone else. I know I have a lot of shit I need to work on...this is just one more thing. I hoped maybe trying to put shit into words would get some stuff outta my head but I don't know anymore. I feel completely helpless to everything this week...like anything that can go wrong will. Which is probably why I'm being stupid and feeling this way. I guess it's life...it'll get better eventually. What's that saying.... 'God won't give me more than I can handle. But I sure wish he didn't trust me so damn much.'
I appreciate the love. Frankly, I appreciate you dealing with my stupid ass. Love love. xx
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