I am sad.
So seriously, completely, sad. I feel it so much, that there is actual, physical pain in my chest. So much that I feel like those three simple words in themselves should express enough for a lengthy blog post and I could stop writing right here. I probably should stop writing right here. But maybe I need to just try to talk some of this out of my head. There's nothing to do or change right now so I'm just stuck...sad.
But I have no elaboration. No specifics. It's as if I've been surrounded and cocooned by this desperate and unending sadness. And it's not fair either. Because I am physically, in "RL", surrounded by happiness. People, places, things, all that give me happiness and joy beyond what I can describe. The people who know me, accept me, love me, with all of my faults and problems and everything. And yet all of the happy, the happy that I have so desperately been craving is overshadowed, or at least hindered by this sadness that I just can't fucking shake for the life of me.
I know the answer is that I have to find true happiness with and within myself, and learn to love myself before I can truly be happy in any other way. I'm working on that. I know I always say that I'm working on that but I really AM working on it. It's a slow process but sometimes I feel like I'm improving. I've done a lot of self-reflecting and I know quite a few of the specific areas where I really need help. To name a few...
I can tell when I am thinking irrationally. I recognize and acknowledge this to myself. But my feelings take over those thoughts and won't listen to my head, and then I tear myself apart over things that are usually nothing. I don't know how to change that yet.
I crave attention (though, I use "attention" for lack of a better word - I mean more along the lines of, affection, acknowledgement, something showing you are important to someone), even in the smallest amounts, from the people who mean the most to me. In some ways there's nothing wrong with this, except that I have to remember that other peoples' lives are often busier than mine. And that just as when I'm too busy at work, or running errands, or whatever to return a phone call, people have lives to live and things to do and that doesn't mean they're mad at or ignoring me. Then it goes back to number 1. And it's also hard because...I guess I feel like if everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to say something nice, quick, whatever to the people that matter most to them...well, I just think it'd help brighten everybody's day. I try to make it a point to do it as often as I can, but maybe it's silly. Everyone wants to know someone is thinking of them, in whatever way. The trick is to not need that attention or reassurance to be happy. And I'm not there yet.
Sometimes people say or do really mean things. For some people, I think their essential goal in life is to bully or control people by different means so that they can always feel superior to someone in the world. These types of people demean, insult and stifle others to try to make them feel inferior to themselves, or guilty, or even just reliant on the other people. Someone else can only make you feel how you LET them make you feel. If you don't LET them make you feel guilty, they'll stop trying. If you don't LET them hurt you, they'll stop trying. I'm just not there yet.
I went off by myself for a bit today. Nothing crazy, nothing even interesting. But I went alone. I had breakfast alone. I went for a walk alone. I worked out alone. I went and played a bit alone. I hated every second of it. But I did it. I'm not at the point yet where I find solace or comfort in "alone". Everything about "alone" is terrifying right now. There is no comfort in it. The comfort, the only comfort in my life is the people that support me until I am strong enough to be okay when I'm alone (to whatever extent). I don't feel that I deserve for them to stick with me while I deal with all of this, but I am forever thankful that they do. I don't know how they see ME somewhere inside this mess of what I appear to be now, but I am forever thankful that they do. Sometimes I think I'm starting to see me again somewhere too...
I said it earlier, and I'll say it again just for good measure... It's so ironic to me that the things in life that tend to make us the happiest, are also the things that most easily make us cry. I guess it's about the depth of the emotions...genuine happiness and sadness are very intense emotions, in my opinion. So I guess it makes sense that it could be one extreme to the other. Just still seems wrong to me...
So I sit here now...In an amazing place, with an amazing plan, with one amazing person and two more joining us tomorrow. There's excitement, and happy, and friendship, and endless amounts of laughter. And I am so grateful for all of this and for these phenomenal people who aren't my friends, they are my family; my chosen extended family. They know me better than anyone else in the world. Fuck, they know me better than I know myself, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. They would do anything possible in the world for me that I needed them to without hesitation if it was in their power to do so. They are truly some of the greatest people anyone could have the pleasure of knowing, let alone to call a friend. I love each of them so much that it can't really be described, because how do you describe the ultimate love of a friend. People always make mistakes and no one is perfect, but some people you just know that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and they will be there for you, no matter what, and that's what they are to me. I hope they know.
Because despite it all...I am sad. Just sad. And I hate it. So much. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop more than anything. I love you all so much.
My heart just...hurts.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A Blog By Any Other Name.... Isn't A Blog.
A blog is loosley defined as 'an online journal with comments, reflections, thoughts, etc.' So basically, it's for anything you want it to be for. I think everyone who blogs probably does it for different reasons. Sometimes it's to share/spread information, sometimes to vent, sometimes to gather opinions of others', sometimes to bring attention to things we find important.
An important thing, I think, to remember about blogs is that in writing something available at large to the public, is that they're open widely to interpretation. And because everyone thinks differently, it's safe to say that everyone that reads a blog will have an at least slightly different understanding or take something from it different than what someone else will. Simply because I read a blog and think it means one thing, first of all doesn't mean that everyone else will see it the same way, and secondly it doesn't mean that I'm "right" (or "wrong") in what I think it means.
I'm so tired of people being judgmental. I'm so tired of having to defend myself for nothing. I'm so tired of being so unsure of everything. I just want to feel safe, and confident, and happy. Even if I don't know exactly what's going to happen, I want to believe that it'll be okay, whatever it is. I want to believe my gut and make my head shut the fucking fuck up. I want to know I'm gonna be okay, even if I don't know how. I want to hurt less, not more. I want to feel all the time the way I feel in what I've come to see as my personal little bubble... Because there, I just know it's going to be okay. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But whatever happens....it will be. I don't have to question anything, because everything just is. There are no questions, there are no doubts. All the SHIT in life disappears for just a little while. I feel sure, I feel confident, I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel safe, I feel special, I feel......I FEEL. I feel everything.
I wish it was possible to have everyone I love with me all the time. I wish it was possible for some things to last forever. I wish distance was easily overcome. I wish life and love were easy. I wish SOMETHING in life was easy. Just one or two things, not all of it. I'm not afraid to work for what I want/need. I've worked since I was 16 years old and I know that's not as long as some people, but I have. And I was forced to grow up and be an adult far earlier than anyone should. But it made me who I am. I've dealt with a lot in life and I've been hurt and I've loved and I've lost. I've lost a lot. I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I feel like things keep happening that keep chipping off little pieces, a little more, a little more, and soon there isn't going to be anything left. I know I trust too easily, and I know I love too much. I don't think I'd change that, though. First of all, I'm not sure one can love "too much" ... I think love is one of the strongest, most amazing..."things" in the world. The love of family, the love of a child, the love of a best friend. But it's still important to be conscious and observant when meeting new people, though I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I believe I'm a good judge of character, even if I've been (quite obviously) wrong about some. I believe I'm a good person, even though I've made mistakes. I've never intentionally hurt anyone. Let me repeat that. I've. Never. Intentionally. Hurt. Anyone. I don't use people and I don't take advantage of situations that some others might. Truly, all I want in the world is to be overall happy and to love and be loved. And by that I mean my family and my friends (because apparently I have to clarify). I LOVE, love. In all of its forms, all of its ways. You absolutely need to love yourself before you can be truly capable of loving anyone else. But to love and to be loved, I think, is something everyone wants. And if you even think at any point that you've found that, I don't think you should give it an opportunity to pass you by.
Lots of people say that they have no regrets in their lives because each choice or experience has helped shape who they are. To an extent, I agree with that. But I also think that sometimes there are things we just wish we hadn't (or had) done. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think it's all the more reason to live life each day to the fullest, and try to live positively, and tell people that you love them if you do, and take opportunities that are placed in front of you. That's why I tell you all I love you all the time; well, a) because I do, and you make every minute of every day better in some way, and b) because I think everyone should know they are loved. Sometimes life offers us second chances. But sometimes it doesn't. And (depending on your beliefs, I suppose), this is the only life we get.
I've realized recently that quite possibly the hardest thing in the world is to be hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. If a person can hurt someone they "love" - is there anything they're not willing to do? Will they stop at nothing to satisfy their own selfish needs and wants? I think yes. And I think if you can hurt someone you claim to "love" ... that you never really loved them, not really. I can't fathom the idea of purposely hurting someone I DISLIKE, let alone someone I actually care about. It breaks my heart the times that I have hurt anyone, but it was still never intentional. Of course that doesn't mean it makes something okay, hurting someone else is never okay. But to intentionally hurt someone, whether out of anger, revenge, or just plain meanness - is just never, ever right. Two wrongs don't make a right. And it doesn't help any situation.
I may have lost track somewhere along this...sorry about that. I'm tired, I've had a rough day/week. I'm just a little frustrated when people take my words the wrong way. But as I said, blogs are based on interpretations. Just like music. What a song means to me may mean something completely different to someone else. I thought about removing some of the blogs that seem to have caused some people to make incorrect assumptions or judgments, but mainly I feel that just because they have come to the wrong conclusions doesn't mean I should apologize for it. Because, after all, THEY are wrong. And if I choose to explain to said person what was actually meant, they still have to choose whether or not to listen when I do so. And then they have to choose whether or not to believe the truth, or whether to continue believing what they already thought. Sometimes people have made their minds up and what you say is absolutely meaningless.
Perception...we all care what other people think to some extent. But if we censor what we say based on that, what is the point of writing in the first place? I'm not responsible for people taking what I say the wrong way. When I write, I write about my life. Or I write about someone else's life, if it's on my mind. If I write about someone else, am I going to call them out or give specifics about their situation? Of course not. Does that mean what I wrote is about me? Certainly not. Hell, it could be a MOVIE I saw that made me think about something. It could be anything. My writing style is what it is...it's about the only somewhat "creative" thing I can do. I like it. I know I jump around and get off topic and babble sometimes, but I'm okay with that - cuz it's me. If I've learned anything over the last few months, it's this: Even though there are some things about myself that I'm not happy with, and things I'd like to improve, some people love me exactly how I am. Despite my faults and eccentricites and silly ridiculous eating habits and nerdy love of Star Wars and Harry Potter and the fact that I am just a little bit OCD about certain things, etc. etc. etc., my friends and my family still love me this way. I CAN be happy just as who I am. THAT realization is what has changed my life. Not a thing, or a specific person, or anything else. It's been the support and love bestowed on me by the people in my life who want nothing but for me to be happy. Maybe even if it wasn't their optimal outcome. That is true friendship, true love. That is what's given me the strength to start living for me and to come to certain realizations.
The bottom line is, I can't control how people take what I say/write. I can't control the comments people make about it. I can't control who reads what I say to begin with. However. I am free to say/write whatever I want. I have enough respect for myself and the people in my life that I'm not going to write about something inappropriate to any situation, in my opinion. If I am vague, it's for a reason (even if that reason is as simple as because I wanna be). I also don't have to justify myself for what I write. I have somewhat done that here, but I don't have to. Because just because someone, somewhere misinterpreted what I said, and/or drew incorrect conclusions... Well, frankly, it isn't my problem. I don't write this blog for other people (though I'm not going to lie and say I don't like comments/feedback on some topics). I write this for myself. Because it helps me get some shit outta my head. It helps me vent. It helps me put my thoughts and/or feelings into some sort of organized order (which we know the #OCD part of me loooooves).
Sooo...my point. What IS my point? I guess my point is, a blog is specifically for personal expression. It's not fact, it's not a story, it's simply how I think and feel, about my own life and about other people/things. While I get that by letting people read what I write, I know that I am opening myself up to judgment and giving people an opportunity to form incorrect assumptions about me and/or my life. Frankly, there's nothing I can do about that. The people who really know me know what I'm about and they know the kind of person that I am.
I'm far from perfect, extremely far. But I am a fierce friend. I am a lover. I am a good "mom" to my dogs. I am a hard worker. I am honest. I am accepting of the fact that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I am thankful for everyone/thing good in my life.
I am insecure, but I'm working on it. I am weak, but I'm getting stronger. I am impatient, but I'm trying. I am anxious, but I'm trying to stay calm. I am a negative thinker, but I'm trying to be more positive. I am unsure of where the fuck my life is going to go...but I do know what I want. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I know what I want. I know who I want in my life, and I know who I don't.
There is one thing going on right now that is incredibly hard for me to deal with. I'm overwhelmed with a wide range of feelings that cannot always be expressed, and I think that's hard in any situation. That was my original reason for wanting to write tonight. It's difficult to have something you feel so strongly about, that you can't talk about. Or that you can talk about, but only to certain people, and the people you could actually talk to about it, you can't. For whatever reason. Life would be so much easier if everyone just always said how they really felt. Even if it was bad, at least you would know, and you wouldn't have to deal with the insecurities that come along with any kind of relationship (manager/employee, friends, lovers, etc. etc. etc.). Or maybe not everyone deals with insecurity? I don't know. I feel like I always have, but I also think that has a lot to do with my surroundings. Not that I am making excuses or blaming anyone for the way that I am or the way that I think. No one can make me think or feel any way if I don't let them. I'm just still learning not to let them.
I doubt this actually made any sense at all. Good thing it's a blog, so it doesn't necessarily have to. Maybe I wrote it just to confuse you. Or maybe it's full of hidden meaning. Maybe it's just a damn bunch of words put into paragraph form and all it means is exactly what it says. It's not the Bible, it's not a text book, it's not some super-detailed insight into my brain or personal life.
It's just a blog. You can make a choice to read it or not. You can take anything you want from it. But whatever you do take could be completely different from what was meant.
And that's totally fine...but I'm just saying.
An important thing, I think, to remember about blogs is that in writing something available at large to the public, is that they're open widely to interpretation. And because everyone thinks differently, it's safe to say that everyone that reads a blog will have an at least slightly different understanding or take something from it different than what someone else will. Simply because I read a blog and think it means one thing, first of all doesn't mean that everyone else will see it the same way, and secondly it doesn't mean that I'm "right" (or "wrong") in what I think it means.
I'm so tired of people being judgmental. I'm so tired of having to defend myself for nothing. I'm so tired of being so unsure of everything. I just want to feel safe, and confident, and happy. Even if I don't know exactly what's going to happen, I want to believe that it'll be okay, whatever it is. I want to believe my gut and make my head shut the fucking fuck up. I want to know I'm gonna be okay, even if I don't know how. I want to hurt less, not more. I want to feel all the time the way I feel in what I've come to see as my personal little bubble... Because there, I just know it's going to be okay. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But whatever happens....it will be. I don't have to question anything, because everything just is. There are no questions, there are no doubts. All the SHIT in life disappears for just a little while. I feel sure, I feel confident, I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel safe, I feel special, I feel......I FEEL. I feel everything.
I wish it was possible to have everyone I love with me all the time. I wish it was possible for some things to last forever. I wish distance was easily overcome. I wish life and love were easy. I wish SOMETHING in life was easy. Just one or two things, not all of it. I'm not afraid to work for what I want/need. I've worked since I was 16 years old and I know that's not as long as some people, but I have. And I was forced to grow up and be an adult far earlier than anyone should. But it made me who I am. I've dealt with a lot in life and I've been hurt and I've loved and I've lost. I've lost a lot. I'm terrified of being hurt anymore. I'm so scared of having my heart broken again. I feel like things keep happening that keep chipping off little pieces, a little more, a little more, and soon there isn't going to be anything left. I know I trust too easily, and I know I love too much. I don't think I'd change that, though. First of all, I'm not sure one can love "too much" ... I think love is one of the strongest, most amazing..."things" in the world. The love of family, the love of a child, the love of a best friend. But it's still important to be conscious and observant when meeting new people, though I believe everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I believe I'm a good judge of character, even if I've been (quite obviously) wrong about some. I believe I'm a good person, even though I've made mistakes. I've never intentionally hurt anyone. Let me repeat that. I've. Never. Intentionally. Hurt. Anyone. I don't use people and I don't take advantage of situations that some others might. Truly, all I want in the world is to be overall happy and to love and be loved. And by that I mean my family and my friends (because apparently I have to clarify). I LOVE, love. In all of its forms, all of its ways. You absolutely need to love yourself before you can be truly capable of loving anyone else. But to love and to be loved, I think, is something everyone wants. And if you even think at any point that you've found that, I don't think you should give it an opportunity to pass you by.
Lots of people say that they have no regrets in their lives because each choice or experience has helped shape who they are. To an extent, I agree with that. But I also think that sometimes there are things we just wish we hadn't (or had) done. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think it's all the more reason to live life each day to the fullest, and try to live positively, and tell people that you love them if you do, and take opportunities that are placed in front of you. That's why I tell you all I love you all the time; well, a) because I do, and you make every minute of every day better in some way, and b) because I think everyone should know they are loved. Sometimes life offers us second chances. But sometimes it doesn't. And (depending on your beliefs, I suppose), this is the only life we get.
I've realized recently that quite possibly the hardest thing in the world is to be hurt by someone who is supposed to love you. If a person can hurt someone they "love" - is there anything they're not willing to do? Will they stop at nothing to satisfy their own selfish needs and wants? I think yes. And I think if you can hurt someone you claim to "love" ... that you never really loved them, not really. I can't fathom the idea of purposely hurting someone I DISLIKE, let alone someone I actually care about. It breaks my heart the times that I have hurt anyone, but it was still never intentional. Of course that doesn't mean it makes something okay, hurting someone else is never okay. But to intentionally hurt someone, whether out of anger, revenge, or just plain meanness - is just never, ever right. Two wrongs don't make a right. And it doesn't help any situation.
I may have lost track somewhere along this...sorry about that. I'm tired, I've had a rough day/week. I'm just a little frustrated when people take my words the wrong way. But as I said, blogs are based on interpretations. Just like music. What a song means to me may mean something completely different to someone else. I thought about removing some of the blogs that seem to have caused some people to make incorrect assumptions or judgments, but mainly I feel that just because they have come to the wrong conclusions doesn't mean I should apologize for it. Because, after all, THEY are wrong. And if I choose to explain to said person what was actually meant, they still have to choose whether or not to listen when I do so. And then they have to choose whether or not to believe the truth, or whether to continue believing what they already thought. Sometimes people have made their minds up and what you say is absolutely meaningless.
Perception...we all care what other people think to some extent. But if we censor what we say based on that, what is the point of writing in the first place? I'm not responsible for people taking what I say the wrong way. When I write, I write about my life. Or I write about someone else's life, if it's on my mind. If I write about someone else, am I going to call them out or give specifics about their situation? Of course not. Does that mean what I wrote is about me? Certainly not. Hell, it could be a MOVIE I saw that made me think about something. It could be anything. My writing style is what it is...it's about the only somewhat "creative" thing I can do. I like it. I know I jump around and get off topic and babble sometimes, but I'm okay with that - cuz it's me. If I've learned anything over the last few months, it's this: Even though there are some things about myself that I'm not happy with, and things I'd like to improve, some people love me exactly how I am. Despite my faults and eccentricites and silly ridiculous eating habits and nerdy love of Star Wars and Harry Potter and the fact that I am just a little bit OCD about certain things, etc. etc. etc., my friends and my family still love me this way. I CAN be happy just as who I am. THAT realization is what has changed my life. Not a thing, or a specific person, or anything else. It's been the support and love bestowed on me by the people in my life who want nothing but for me to be happy. Maybe even if it wasn't their optimal outcome. That is true friendship, true love. That is what's given me the strength to start living for me and to come to certain realizations.
The bottom line is, I can't control how people take what I say/write. I can't control the comments people make about it. I can't control who reads what I say to begin with. However. I am free to say/write whatever I want. I have enough respect for myself and the people in my life that I'm not going to write about something inappropriate to any situation, in my opinion. If I am vague, it's for a reason (even if that reason is as simple as because I wanna be). I also don't have to justify myself for what I write. I have somewhat done that here, but I don't have to. Because just because someone, somewhere misinterpreted what I said, and/or drew incorrect conclusions... Well, frankly, it isn't my problem. I don't write this blog for other people (though I'm not going to lie and say I don't like comments/feedback on some topics). I write this for myself. Because it helps me get some shit outta my head. It helps me vent. It helps me put my thoughts and/or feelings into some sort of organized order (which we know the #OCD part of me loooooves).
Sooo...my point. What IS my point? I guess my point is, a blog is specifically for personal expression. It's not fact, it's not a story, it's simply how I think and feel, about my own life and about other people/things. While I get that by letting people read what I write, I know that I am opening myself up to judgment and giving people an opportunity to form incorrect assumptions about me and/or my life. Frankly, there's nothing I can do about that. The people who really know me know what I'm about and they know the kind of person that I am.
I'm far from perfect, extremely far. But I am a fierce friend. I am a lover. I am a good "mom" to my dogs. I am a hard worker. I am honest. I am accepting of the fact that sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I am thankful for everyone/thing good in my life.
I am insecure, but I'm working on it. I am weak, but I'm getting stronger. I am impatient, but I'm trying. I am anxious, but I'm trying to stay calm. I am a negative thinker, but I'm trying to be more positive. I am unsure of where the fuck my life is going to go...but I do know what I want. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I know what I want. I know who I want in my life, and I know who I don't.
There is one thing going on right now that is incredibly hard for me to deal with. I'm overwhelmed with a wide range of feelings that cannot always be expressed, and I think that's hard in any situation. That was my original reason for wanting to write tonight. It's difficult to have something you feel so strongly about, that you can't talk about. Or that you can talk about, but only to certain people, and the people you could actually talk to about it, you can't. For whatever reason. Life would be so much easier if everyone just always said how they really felt. Even if it was bad, at least you would know, and you wouldn't have to deal with the insecurities that come along with any kind of relationship (manager/employee, friends, lovers, etc. etc. etc.). Or maybe not everyone deals with insecurity? I don't know. I feel like I always have, but I also think that has a lot to do with my surroundings. Not that I am making excuses or blaming anyone for the way that I am or the way that I think. No one can make me think or feel any way if I don't let them. I'm just still learning not to let them.
I doubt this actually made any sense at all. Good thing it's a blog, so it doesn't necessarily have to. Maybe I wrote it just to confuse you. Or maybe it's full of hidden meaning. Maybe it's just a damn bunch of words put into paragraph form and all it means is exactly what it says. It's not the Bible, it's not a text book, it's not some super-detailed insight into my brain or personal life.
It's just a blog. You can make a choice to read it or not. You can take anything you want from it. But whatever you do take could be completely different from what was meant.
And that's totally fine...but I'm just saying.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
And Did You Think It Through When The Devil Told You...
After a hellacious week, I've had a pretty decent (maybe even good *gasp*) couple of days, and I'm really excited about this. I know that a lot of you are probably wondering about what's been going on since last week. I'm going to be more respectful than the people that hurt me were and not talk about it here. Some of the people that I am close to know, and some don't. It's a very personal thing and my choice to decide who I want to tell about it, as far as I'm concerned anyway. The people who are involved are the ones who fucked up and I have to stop concerning myself with them and their feelings and their wishes and whatevers. Not only do they not deserve my time, thought, or love, but now is about nothing more than moving past the hurt of all of this, making it through this divorce and continuing my own life on my way to finding happiness within myself. So that being said, please know that I appreciate every bit of concern - the texts, tweets, emails, FB messages, calls - everything. It all means the world to me and I am so appreciative of all the love. It's exactly what I need right now, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Sooo...that all happened last Saturday, and the first part of the week was pretty hard. I kind of kept getting sucker-punched over the next few days and I let it get to me and hurt me even though I shouldn't have. Work has also been crazy and I had to go to a training seminar on Monday which put me a "day behind" essentially the rest of the week so it was more crazy. Combined with almost no sleep, I was starting to run on empty. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my counselor who is working with me on my depression and I told her about everything that was going on, and she reaffirmed everything I was saying and feeling and said that she thought I was handling everything well and correctly. That kind of gave me a little push, it's just nice when you're dealing with something to have someone tell you that you're right in your views/feelings (not that anyone has any right to judge your feelings, but moreso I guess that I wasn't being "irrational" if you will). Not that she is the only one who's done that, but just someone with her I guess "knowledge" of that kind of thing. Who knows what the hell I'm trying to say. Anyway, that was cool and then the rest of the day was somewhat calm. I just really focused on work and kind of closed myself off to everything around me for a little while and forced myself to stop thinking for 5 seconds and it was kind of wonderful. I'm generally not able to do that so...maybe I should have written down my process or something so I can do it again, hahaha..
Anyway, Thursday ended without incident lol. Had another night of not much sleep, but was looking forward to Friday and the weekend so that was good. Work was completely nutty...which I guess I just need to start getting used to. Generally it's not super crazy except during Feb/March (Spring Break) but the last couple of weeks have been out there. It may be because of going from NOTHING in the summertime to significantly busier now, even though it's not as busy as spring season.
Anyway...Friday night I went to dinner and a show with a girlfriend. I found someone to buy the extra pair of tickets I'd bought months and months ago at full price, and then I got comp seats from the hotel, so we got to eat AND see the show for free, which I definitely won't complain about. The show was Anthony Cools - who is a hypnotist/comedian, and without a doubt the funniest person I've ever seen in my life. His show is raunchy and all kinds of wrong, but it's also the most hilarious and awesome thing you've ever seen. I can't recommend it enough. I'm thinking of trying to do a post dedicated specifically to him so maybe I'll do that. He deserves it...I never leave the show without mascara streaks down my face (from crying of laughter) and my stomach generally hurts the entire next day from laughing so much. It was another great show (3rd time I've seen him) and I also got to personally thank him for the really amazing and above and beyond thing he did for us when we went to his show in Vegas so that was really cool. He's an awesome entertainer and for what it's worth (which I say is a fucking lot) he's really good to his fans and people that support him. Two thumbs way up for Mr. Cools, and I will intend to see him yet again the next time I'm in Vegas, whenever the hell that may be...
Today I feel that I've been really productive (minus the sleeping til almost noon), but it was mostly with kinda selfish and/or even "silly" things... I spent most of my "morning" on the phone checking on some things and trying to figure out finances and whatnot with divorce crap. As stressful as that kind of is, the OCD part of me also really loves the numbers and the organization and whatnot. I also think I came up with a "solution" in my head as far as the papers and wants/needs etc. We'll see what happens with that but...in my head it works. I went to the grocery store and bought ONLY what was on my list, which was quite exciting - laundry detergent, vaccuum powder, carpet cleaner, ant killer, a pillow, Cocoa Krispies, and a loaf of bread (most awesome combination ever). When I got home I cleaned the house fully and even used the yummy powder stuff you put down before you vaccuum, so the whole house smells quite lovely. It's (fucking) cold out, so I have the windows open and have been wrapped in blankets and sweaters all day. (I could really use some mother effing Timmie's hot chocolate though, not even gonna freaking lie *huge pout*) Did three loads of laundry including my new bed set I bought myself. Essentially it really wasn't a "necessity" but emotionally and mentally it was... And it's pretty and red and I love just about anything "pretty and red" so it is what it is. I took all of the pictures off the walls. I also started a pile of clothing and other household items (towels, bed sheets, etc.) to give to Good Will. I'm going to need to cut down as much as I can and it's not like I need everything I have anyway. I'm going to get boxes soon and start packing up most of my "summer" clothes and other little things around the house I don't use often so that when I move it won't have to be everything all at once.
Oh, have I talked about that? Probably not. Umm..I kinda don't wanna talk about the details yet. I'm not sure why. I guess it's kind of a personal thing lol. It's not hard to figure out but still. What I'll say right now is that I'll be moving away from Mississippi for sure. There are multiple reasons, but mainly I frankly can't afford to stay here the way things are. I'm most upset about probably having to leave my job at some point...despite when things are crazy and I get frustrated, I really love my job and what I do. Anyway, right now it's looking like this will happen around the beginning of April. I'll be taking all of my dogs with me...and not too much else. But they are my first priority. It probably sounds really silly to people who aren't dog lovers or to people who have kids, but...my dogs are my babies. They're my responsibility. They never asked me to get them and it's not their fault this is happening...besides the fact that I love them more than anything in the world and just physically can't let them go, I also don't trust my soon-to-be-ex not to give them away and/or split them up, and I don't think that's fair either. He also deploys and so would not be able to take care of them all the time anyway. I've been with them their entire lives, all of them but Sampson who is a rescue and even he was only a year old when we got him. And they've all been together their entire lives. It's not fair to send them off to some random person who may not give them the love and attention they deserve. So, while I am well aware of how much "easier" it would be to move on and start a new life without taking them with me, it's something I'm firm on and in my heart know that it's right for me. I'm SO grateful and blessed and thankful for the opportunity being offered to us and when things are a little more settled I will talk more about it. For now, just Thank You.
I feel like I had more to say but I'm kinda tired now, hahaha... One week from today I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, and on Sunday even a few more. I think it'll be nice to get out of here just for a few days, too. It's been kind of clostrophobic in some ways. It's gonna be a LOT of driving but I'm actually even a little excited about that, since I have my amazingly awesome new little red 80GB Zune mp3 player to come along for the ride. Too bad I don't have my TomTom with the Darth Vader voice yet, because that would just be the total complete roadtrip package right there.
Don't ask why that just made me think of this, but please, PLEASE go and buy a copy of Sam Bradley's new EP "Zuni" on Tuesday when it's released...you can purchase it online at http://www.sambradley.com/ or at any of the showers on the Brooke Fraser tour he also starts on Tuesday (dates here: http://www.myspace.com/sambradley). I know I have some new followers out there so if you're reading this, a) sorry for the depressing post and b) you must check out Sam Bradley or, or.......something really really BAD. So bad I haven't even thought of it yet. Yeah, that's it. Right. Really though... I promise amazing music. What's better than that?
http://www.youtube.com/samueltube1
Thanks for reading and again, for all of the love and support you have all overwhelmed me with. It's truly amazing and I am awed and appreciative beyond words.
I feel like something is on the top of my tongue.............
Sooo...that all happened last Saturday, and the first part of the week was pretty hard. I kind of kept getting sucker-punched over the next few days and I let it get to me and hurt me even though I shouldn't have. Work has also been crazy and I had to go to a training seminar on Monday which put me a "day behind" essentially the rest of the week so it was more crazy. Combined with almost no sleep, I was starting to run on empty. Thursday morning I had an appointment with my counselor who is working with me on my depression and I told her about everything that was going on, and she reaffirmed everything I was saying and feeling and said that she thought I was handling everything well and correctly. That kind of gave me a little push, it's just nice when you're dealing with something to have someone tell you that you're right in your views/feelings (not that anyone has any right to judge your feelings, but moreso I guess that I wasn't being "irrational" if you will). Not that she is the only one who's done that, but just someone with her I guess "knowledge" of that kind of thing. Who knows what the hell I'm trying to say. Anyway, that was cool and then the rest of the day was somewhat calm. I just really focused on work and kind of closed myself off to everything around me for a little while and forced myself to stop thinking for 5 seconds and it was kind of wonderful. I'm generally not able to do that so...maybe I should have written down my process or something so I can do it again, hahaha..
Anyway, Thursday ended without incident lol. Had another night of not much sleep, but was looking forward to Friday and the weekend so that was good. Work was completely nutty...which I guess I just need to start getting used to. Generally it's not super crazy except during Feb/March (Spring Break) but the last couple of weeks have been out there. It may be because of going from NOTHING in the summertime to significantly busier now, even though it's not as busy as spring season.
Anyway...Friday night I went to dinner and a show with a girlfriend. I found someone to buy the extra pair of tickets I'd bought months and months ago at full price, and then I got comp seats from the hotel, so we got to eat AND see the show for free, which I definitely won't complain about. The show was Anthony Cools - who is a hypnotist/comedian, and without a doubt the funniest person I've ever seen in my life. His show is raunchy and all kinds of wrong, but it's also the most hilarious and awesome thing you've ever seen. I can't recommend it enough. I'm thinking of trying to do a post dedicated specifically to him so maybe I'll do that. He deserves it...I never leave the show without mascara streaks down my face (from crying of laughter) and my stomach generally hurts the entire next day from laughing so much. It was another great show (3rd time I've seen him) and I also got to personally thank him for the really amazing and above and beyond thing he did for us when we went to his show in Vegas so that was really cool. He's an awesome entertainer and for what it's worth (which I say is a fucking lot) he's really good to his fans and people that support him. Two thumbs way up for Mr. Cools, and I will intend to see him yet again the next time I'm in Vegas, whenever the hell that may be...
Today I feel that I've been really productive (minus the sleeping til almost noon), but it was mostly with kinda selfish and/or even "silly" things... I spent most of my "morning" on the phone checking on some things and trying to figure out finances and whatnot with divorce crap. As stressful as that kind of is, the OCD part of me also really loves the numbers and the organization and whatnot. I also think I came up with a "solution" in my head as far as the papers and wants/needs etc. We'll see what happens with that but...in my head it works. I went to the grocery store and bought ONLY what was on my list, which was quite exciting - laundry detergent, vaccuum powder, carpet cleaner, ant killer, a pillow, Cocoa Krispies, and a loaf of bread (most awesome combination ever). When I got home I cleaned the house fully and even used the yummy powder stuff you put down before you vaccuum, so the whole house smells quite lovely. It's (fucking) cold out, so I have the windows open and have been wrapped in blankets and sweaters all day. (I could really use some mother effing Timmie's hot chocolate though, not even gonna freaking lie *huge pout*) Did three loads of laundry including my new bed set I bought myself. Essentially it really wasn't a "necessity" but emotionally and mentally it was... And it's pretty and red and I love just about anything "pretty and red" so it is what it is. I took all of the pictures off the walls. I also started a pile of clothing and other household items (towels, bed sheets, etc.) to give to Good Will. I'm going to need to cut down as much as I can and it's not like I need everything I have anyway. I'm going to get boxes soon and start packing up most of my "summer" clothes and other little things around the house I don't use often so that when I move it won't have to be everything all at once.
Oh, have I talked about that? Probably not. Umm..I kinda don't wanna talk about the details yet. I'm not sure why. I guess it's kind of a personal thing lol. It's not hard to figure out but still. What I'll say right now is that I'll be moving away from Mississippi for sure. There are multiple reasons, but mainly I frankly can't afford to stay here the way things are. I'm most upset about probably having to leave my job at some point...despite when things are crazy and I get frustrated, I really love my job and what I do. Anyway, right now it's looking like this will happen around the beginning of April. I'll be taking all of my dogs with me...and not too much else. But they are my first priority. It probably sounds really silly to people who aren't dog lovers or to people who have kids, but...my dogs are my babies. They're my responsibility. They never asked me to get them and it's not their fault this is happening...besides the fact that I love them more than anything in the world and just physically can't let them go, I also don't trust my soon-to-be-ex not to give them away and/or split them up, and I don't think that's fair either. He also deploys and so would not be able to take care of them all the time anyway. I've been with them their entire lives, all of them but Sampson who is a rescue and even he was only a year old when we got him. And they've all been together their entire lives. It's not fair to send them off to some random person who may not give them the love and attention they deserve. So, while I am well aware of how much "easier" it would be to move on and start a new life without taking them with me, it's something I'm firm on and in my heart know that it's right for me. I'm SO grateful and blessed and thankful for the opportunity being offered to us and when things are a little more settled I will talk more about it. For now, just Thank You.
I feel like I had more to say but I'm kinda tired now, hahaha... One week from today I get to see some of my favorite people in the world, and on Sunday even a few more. I think it'll be nice to get out of here just for a few days, too. It's been kind of clostrophobic in some ways. It's gonna be a LOT of driving but I'm actually even a little excited about that, since I have my amazingly awesome new little red 80GB Zune mp3 player to come along for the ride. Too bad I don't have my TomTom with the Darth Vader voice yet, because that would just be the total complete roadtrip package right there.
Don't ask why that just made me think of this, but please, PLEASE go and buy a copy of Sam Bradley's new EP "Zuni" on Tuesday when it's released...you can purchase it online at http://www.sambradley.com/ or at any of the showers on the Brooke Fraser tour he also starts on Tuesday (dates here: http://www.myspace.com/sambradley). I know I have some new followers out there so if you're reading this, a) sorry for the depressing post and b) you must check out Sam Bradley or, or.......something really really BAD. So bad I haven't even thought of it yet. Yeah, that's it. Right. Really though... I promise amazing music. What's better than that?
http://www.youtube.com/samueltube1
Thanks for reading and again, for all of the love and support you have all overwhelmed me with. It's truly amazing and I am awed and appreciative beyond words.
I feel like something is on the top of my tongue.............
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