There are some people in our lives that we will never be good enough for. No matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, no matter how far out of our way we go - it'll never be enough for them. Yet even knowing that some people are like this, we still try to please them or impress them or make them proud of us. And we're let down when it doesn't work. Why? Knowing it's impossible to have their full approval or confidence should allow us to not try so hard and just be confident and happy within ourselves, no matter what they say (or don't say). Maybe that's why I have such issue with it, because of the insecurity and confidence problems that I have...I'm not sure. I just know that no matter how many times I tell myself it is what it is, and that it doesn't matter what I do, I somehow still get my hopes up that maybe something will be different. Maybe it'll actually be all good, non-judgmental comments. Maybe, for just ONCE, it'll be "I'm proud of you." End of sentence. Maybe for once I'LL be good enough. I guess I set myself up to fail. After all, it's just how they are, and you can't expect people to change (especially when they've been like that their whole life). And besides that, the only person we should have to worry about being "good enough" for is ourself. I guess I am just not there yet.
My confidence is shot to shit. I let it get to me again, even though I said I wouldn't. And I've knocked myself down on top of it. I'm trying to pick myself back up. I'm trying really, really hard. It's just snowballing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaas usual. I've gotta get outta my fucking head. Like for serious. Can somebody teach me how to do that? Please?
I have multiple things to look forward to in the next couple of months...I should be excited. Well, I AM excited. Incredibly, ecstatically, blissfully excited. But I want that to be the most prominent emotion in my life right now. I want to ONLY look forward to these happy things, and seeing the people I love, and feeling...the way these people make me feel when I'm with them. I feel so empty right now. I'm so tired of goodbyes. I hate missing people. I know that having such amazing people in my life is the reason I miss them as much as I do, and I am beyond thankful for that. But it's really hard. Really, really hard. Distance really fucking blows. Like hardcore. Fuck.
I just don't feel like I've got any strength left anymore.
I'm tired.
Exhausted, really.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Isolation.
Sitting alone, wrapped in a blanket, I'm staring at the TV but not actually watching.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.
I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.
No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.
For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...
I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.
The wheels in my head keep turning, even though I try to stop them.
Stop them, slow them, fuck - remove them completely.
At this point it'd be better that way.
I wish I could lay down and sleep for a week. Or maybe a month. Maybe longer...
I wish I could take a break from life.
I wish I knew how to be okay.
No one can fully understand. Especially when I can't rightly explain.
The only one I can talk to I'm afraid to.
My heart feels like it might explode. Happy, sad. Elated, breaking.
How is it possible to go from one extreme to the other so fluidly?
Why can't I control my fucking brain?
I know it's just me. I think.
For the first time I can remember, I feel like me again.
I smile all the time. I laugh all the time.
I feel confident. I feel alive.
At least I did...
I don't want to cry. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to lose. I don't want more pain.
I'm doing it to myself. I think.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Talent Doesn't Matter. Apparently.
On Twitter this afternoon, I saw that one of the people from Jersey Shore ("The Situation") is going to be on The Ellen Show tomorrow. Are. You. Kidding. Me. REALLY?
First of all, of all the reality shows out there, JS is one of THE trashiest
that there is. The fact that it's even still on the air, let alone in a second
(or whatever) season is a disgrace to the "entertainment" industry and shows
just how far downhill television has gone in recent years. Really? It's a show
about a bunch of cocky, arrogant people who are more concerned with getting a
tan and a boob job than anything else in the world. Oh and let's not forget the
girl who debated for like 4 episodes about how she was "so afraid she was going to cheat on her boyfriend" - when she'd already made out with some other guy. Seriously? What kind of alternate reality do you live in? Oh, that's right. One where you get paid to be on TV and act like an asshole. Got it.
The show itself is whatever. I think it's the stupidest thing ever to have been
on TV, so I choose not to watch it. But you mean to tell me that one of the most
popular shows in existence is actually going to allow these people to further
their already-unearned "celebrity" by having them on the show? Why? Because he's conceited and arrogant he refuses to wear clothes? Let's teach kids that
acting that way gets you money and fame. Because there isn't already enough
problems with today's youth. What good have these people actually used their newfound celebrity status for? Anything substantial? Or are they too busy tanning and doing their hair? My bad. Priorities.
Even worse, there are people with actual, real, undeniable talent who continue
to go overlooked and unrecognized. You know I have to talk about Sam Bradley -
this man who could sing anyTHING, anyTIME, anyWHERE at the drop of a hat. Who
gives us music that heals us and gets us through the bad days, or just makes us
smile. Let's not forget the fact that he even sounds better live than on record
which is especially rare nowadays in the world of Justin Bieber and (cute as I
think she is) Taylor Swift. AND he is a true performer to boot. You cannot NOT
enjoy a Sam Bradley show. Add into it the fact that beyond the music he happens
to be one of the most genuine and kind people I've ever met, who truly cares about his fans, and there should be no question as to why myself or any of his other supporters back and "pimp" him as strongly as we do. THAT is the kind of person who should be getting worldwide attention and airtime. Not some guy "famous" for not wearing a shirt and being an asshole.
Of course there are many relatively-unknown artists out there in addition to Sam
who deserve to have people pay attention and listen. Maybe if this sort of
bullshit wasn't what was being promoted and encouraged, these artists would get
the chances they deserve. I would never speak for someone else, but I highly
doubt anyone (well, aside from the JS cast perhaps) wants anything handed to
them. But I imagine they'd like a chance. And if it's deserved, they should get
that. I know that isn't the way the world works, but this type of crap just
shows you exactly how fucked up it really is. The entertainment industry isn't
about talent anymore. It's about politics, and drama, and who can make the
biggest idiots out of themselves while the camera is on. It's disgusting and the
people who promote it should be ashamed. I love...LOVE The Ellen Show. I think
she is fantastic, hilarious, kind and I love that she stands up for what she
believes in. Her and her show are way too good for this crap and frankly I'm
really shocked.
Maybe one day it will actually be about talent again. No more "famous" for nothing more than just being famous. Whatever. I'll buy the music regardless, and I guess that's what matters. It's funny though, that money is what these industry folks are so concerned about. Yet they keep missing out on the real gems.
"Hot bodies" and pretty faces and all of that crap doesn't last forever. Music
does. True talent does. A voice does. When you make something that touches
someone's heart, that never goes away. It may fade, it may be put in the back of
your mind, but it's never just forgotten. Sorry, but some asshole's bare chest
just doesn't compare. And it never will.
So, I'll keep spreading the word about things and people I believe in, even though the people with an actual "voice" are too busy with the latest fad (no matter how ridiculous it is) to do so. I'll continue to support those who deserve in whatever ways I can. Buy 20 albums and give them out as Christmas, birthday, whatever gifts. Get a friend a ticket to a show so that the next time that person or band tours, they'll buy one on their own, and bring their friends along too. There are so many ways that even "little people" like us can try to make people listen. Keep talking. If you tell ten people about something, and even one listens, and then they do the same, it makes an impact. One day real people doing real things will be what matters again. At least I hope it will. It has to.
Sam's music is near and dear to my heart, so he's my recommendation. If you don't know Sam Bradley and want to hear an example of what actual, real talent is, check him out on the net and on his upcoming US/Canada tour supporting Brooke Fraser. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
www.sambradley.com
www.myspace.com/sambradley
www.youtube.com/samueltube1
www.twitter.com/samueltwitt1
xx
First of all, of all the reality shows out there, JS is one of THE trashiest
that there is. The fact that it's even still on the air, let alone in a second
(or whatever) season is a disgrace to the "entertainment" industry and shows
just how far downhill television has gone in recent years. Really? It's a show
about a bunch of cocky, arrogant people who are more concerned with getting a
tan and a boob job than anything else in the world. Oh and let's not forget the
girl who debated for like 4 episodes about how she was "so afraid she was going to cheat on her boyfriend" - when she'd already made out with some other guy. Seriously? What kind of alternate reality do you live in? Oh, that's right. One where you get paid to be on TV and act like an asshole. Got it.
The show itself is whatever. I think it's the stupidest thing ever to have been
on TV, so I choose not to watch it. But you mean to tell me that one of the most
popular shows in existence is actually going to allow these people to further
their already-unearned "celebrity" by having them on the show? Why? Because he's conceited and arrogant he refuses to wear clothes? Let's teach kids that
acting that way gets you money and fame. Because there isn't already enough
problems with today's youth. What good have these people actually used their newfound celebrity status for? Anything substantial? Or are they too busy tanning and doing their hair? My bad. Priorities.
Even worse, there are people with actual, real, undeniable talent who continue
to go overlooked and unrecognized. You know I have to talk about Sam Bradley -
this man who could sing anyTHING, anyTIME, anyWHERE at the drop of a hat. Who
gives us music that heals us and gets us through the bad days, or just makes us
smile. Let's not forget the fact that he even sounds better live than on record
which is especially rare nowadays in the world of Justin Bieber and (cute as I
think she is) Taylor Swift. AND he is a true performer to boot. You cannot NOT
enjoy a Sam Bradley show. Add into it the fact that beyond the music he happens
to be one of the most genuine and kind people I've ever met, who truly cares about his fans, and there should be no question as to why myself or any of his other supporters back and "pimp" him as strongly as we do. THAT is the kind of person who should be getting worldwide attention and airtime. Not some guy "famous" for not wearing a shirt and being an asshole.
Of course there are many relatively-unknown artists out there in addition to Sam
who deserve to have people pay attention and listen. Maybe if this sort of
bullshit wasn't what was being promoted and encouraged, these artists would get
the chances they deserve. I would never speak for someone else, but I highly
doubt anyone (well, aside from the JS cast perhaps) wants anything handed to
them. But I imagine they'd like a chance. And if it's deserved, they should get
that. I know that isn't the way the world works, but this type of crap just
shows you exactly how fucked up it really is. The entertainment industry isn't
about talent anymore. It's about politics, and drama, and who can make the
biggest idiots out of themselves while the camera is on. It's disgusting and the
people who promote it should be ashamed. I love...LOVE The Ellen Show. I think
she is fantastic, hilarious, kind and I love that she stands up for what she
believes in. Her and her show are way too good for this crap and frankly I'm
really shocked.
Maybe one day it will actually be about talent again. No more "famous" for nothing more than just being famous. Whatever. I'll buy the music regardless, and I guess that's what matters. It's funny though, that money is what these industry folks are so concerned about. Yet they keep missing out on the real gems.
"Hot bodies" and pretty faces and all of that crap doesn't last forever. Music
does. True talent does. A voice does. When you make something that touches
someone's heart, that never goes away. It may fade, it may be put in the back of
your mind, but it's never just forgotten. Sorry, but some asshole's bare chest
just doesn't compare. And it never will.
So, I'll keep spreading the word about things and people I believe in, even though the people with an actual "voice" are too busy with the latest fad (no matter how ridiculous it is) to do so. I'll continue to support those who deserve in whatever ways I can. Buy 20 albums and give them out as Christmas, birthday, whatever gifts. Get a friend a ticket to a show so that the next time that person or band tours, they'll buy one on their own, and bring their friends along too. There are so many ways that even "little people" like us can try to make people listen. Keep talking. If you tell ten people about something, and even one listens, and then they do the same, it makes an impact. One day real people doing real things will be what matters again. At least I hope it will. It has to.
Sam's music is near and dear to my heart, so he's my recommendation. If you don't know Sam Bradley and want to hear an example of what actual, real talent is, check him out on the net and on his upcoming US/Canada tour supporting Brooke Fraser. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
www.sambradley.com
www.myspace.com/sambradley
www.youtube.com/samueltube1
www.twitter.com/samueltwitt1
xx
Friday, October 1, 2010
Twitlonger: 10/1/10
Hi Everyone,
This may seem impersonal and small and a little sappy but please know it’s from the heart. I want to apologize for the last couple of weeks in general, and especially yesterday. I’m dealing with some personal things and have been trying to at least publically stay kind of mum on the situation and the details, for my own protection and because frankly a public forum isn’t really the place for it. That being said, I want to apologize for any vagueness and thank everyone for your concern and support while I go through this. I don’t want to mention names individually because no doubt my #stml will kick in and I’ll offend someone by missing them. You all know who you are and (I hope) know that I love you dearly and with all of my heart. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for knowing I’m still in here somewhere despite all this bullshit. Thank you for caring, listening, giving advice, for your patience and prayers and for essentially just loving me. It means more than I can ever tell you.
That being said, amidst my freak out last night a good friend and very wise-beyond-their-years person told me to take life as it comes, deal with what I can/have to and let the rest go. There’s a lot I’m working on that is ME and this is a big part of it. It’s going to be hard but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Taking it a step at a time and focusing on myself and what I need to be happy in life. Just like so many of you have told me to do. I know that I do this with your love and support behind me and that gives me the confidence in myself to start moving forward and know that one day I’ll be okay again. Y’all mean the world to me, and please know that even when you feel helpless and far away, that every word, text, call, email, etc. etc. etc. gives me hope and reminds me I’m loved. Thank you.
So, Twitter friends, this is to let you know today’s a new day. I’m starting fresh, striving to be positive and letting go of the bullshit. I apologize to anyone that I’ve worried or hurt and am resolved to stop wallowing and putting myself down. It’s a work in progress, but I’m working on it… (no pun intended, I swear). Thanks for not giving up on me.
In the great words of my favorite musical (you knew it had to go to music at some point): “No other path, no other way. No day but today.” It starts now.
All my love,
Lo
This may seem impersonal and small and a little sappy but please know it’s from the heart. I want to apologize for the last couple of weeks in general, and especially yesterday. I’m dealing with some personal things and have been trying to at least publically stay kind of mum on the situation and the details, for my own protection and because frankly a public forum isn’t really the place for it. That being said, I want to apologize for any vagueness and thank everyone for your concern and support while I go through this. I don’t want to mention names individually because no doubt my #stml will kick in and I’ll offend someone by missing them. You all know who you are and (I hope) know that I love you dearly and with all of my heart. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for knowing I’m still in here somewhere despite all this bullshit. Thank you for caring, listening, giving advice, for your patience and prayers and for essentially just loving me. It means more than I can ever tell you.
That being said, amidst my freak out last night a good friend and very wise-beyond-their-years person told me to take life as it comes, deal with what I can/have to and let the rest go. There’s a lot I’m working on that is ME and this is a big part of it. It’s going to be hard but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Taking it a step at a time and focusing on myself and what I need to be happy in life. Just like so many of you have told me to do. I know that I do this with your love and support behind me and that gives me the confidence in myself to start moving forward and know that one day I’ll be okay again. Y’all mean the world to me, and please know that even when you feel helpless and far away, that every word, text, call, email, etc. etc. etc. gives me hope and reminds me I’m loved. Thank you.
So, Twitter friends, this is to let you know today’s a new day. I’m starting fresh, striving to be positive and letting go of the bullshit. I apologize to anyone that I’ve worried or hurt and am resolved to stop wallowing and putting myself down. It’s a work in progress, but I’m working on it… (no pun intended, I swear). Thanks for not giving up on me.
In the great words of my favorite musical (you knew it had to go to music at some point): “No other path, no other way. No day but today.” It starts now.
All my love,
Lo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)