Today, I am proud. Of myself. Say whaaaaaat?
Not to sound in any way conceited or anything like that, but I consider myself to be a very kind, loving, caring person. I would do anything I could for anyone I care about. I rely on my feelings, not so much on my head sometimes (alright, most of the time). I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I trust the people I call friends completely and without question. I love with my whole heart. I consider these things to be good things, good qualities. Some people may see them as weaknesses, or that they make me vulnerable. I have been hurt plenty of times by people who I thought loved me. Lied to by people that I thought respected and cared deeply for me. I try to learn from the experiences when this has happened and not make the same mistakes again. I personally think it's a good thing to keep your heart open; if you didn't, sure, you'd keep the bad ones out, but you'd also miss out on all the good ones...
Anyway, what I'm getting at if I could stop being so long-winded for like three seconds, is that although I see these as positive things about me, I do realize that in the past I have allowed people to use these things to their advantage. To control me, or make me feel bad, or guilty. And today someone tried to do that. Someone that, in the past, has always been able to do that. For a very long time, I didn't see that it was happening. I didn't realize how much I tore myself up because of something someone else twisted and took advantage of. I let them do that - no one can force us to do anything. But I didn't realize what I allowed. And now that I have... Well, I took my control back. I didn't let that person upset me. I didn't let them make me feel guilty. I didn't let them tear me down by twisting the truth. I didn't let them accuse me of anything. I didn't let them blame me for things that were not my fault. I didn't give them the satisfaction of thinking they could still have any control over me. Because they don't.
I still have a long, long way to go... But this is a huge step for me. I have to stop letting the words and actions of others affect me, at least to the extent they do. The only one with any control over my happiness should be me. I am definitely not there yet... There are certain recent situations that...quite frankly, have broken my heart just a bit. Some people have hurt me, more deeply than I even realized possible. Because they snuck into my heart in a way that nobody ever has before. And then...well, it is what it is. Sometimes, it isn't even what you do, so much as how you do it.
In some ways I guess I am very naive. I want to believe the best in people and I believe in listening to the heart and the tingles and the butterflies that we sometimes are lucky enough to experience in life. I want to believe in destiny, fate, true love, "forever" and everything else that may actually only exist in a Disney movie. If those things are real, and attainable, then they can only improve our lives. They can only make us happier. I may be naive. But I haven't decided yet if that means I'm also wrong. My head and my heart are on completely opposite teams at this point in time. I hope to God that I am not wrong in where I have placed my trust and friendship. I hope someone wouldn't be so hurtful and disrespectful to me. In some ways I'm still very, very lost and confused and I don't know what to think. Unfortunately, I suppose the only thing that will really give me the answers I need, is time. I don't know how long it'll take; I wish I did. I am just trying to find patience, and have faith in myself.
I realized something today that I guess I found sort of surprising. There's something that I "had" that was essentially "taken" from me recently... And lately I've felt like there is nothing in the world that I want more than that right now. To have that back again. Like I physically crave it. In some ways I feel as if I've been left very empty and alone, and I'm sure that's why it hurts so bad. But today I was basically offered it from someone... And not only did I not want it, I didn't even consider it. It just kind of gave me some perspective. I do still want this thing back. More than I can even figure out how to say. But it's not the most important thing in the world right now, even if it might feel like it. Even if it feels like my heart physically hurts... If it was, I would take it from wherever I could get it regardless of who it was or if I actually cared about them at all. I know that's not who I am anyway. But if it was THE most important thing, if I NEEDED it, I would accept it regardless of any other part of it. I have no idea what my point is or if this makes sense outside my brain or not... It was just something I thought about.
Onward and upward... Xx
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