Dear Everyone.

It's always more to me. Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

Not that I can blame them. I can't. That doesn't make it not hurt. It doesn't change the way I feel for them. But it's always more to me.

Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

My heart aches. My heart breaks. Over and over again, the pain in my chest crushes me. When will I stop missing you? Her? Him? I won't. Even though you already have. Because its always more to me.

You fell into my life as if you were supposed to have always been there. And I was stupid enough to believe it. You said you wanted to make everything okay. And when you could, you chose not to. You turned away. And you lied. You lied.

What couldn't be ignored before is easy now. For you. I pretend not to see. As if I am a fool. For fear of losing. Losing you. Losing them. Losing everything. I have nothing left, anymore. And still I continue to lose. It has destroyed me. Because its always more to me.

Everyone leaves. Everyone stops caring. Even when they say they won't. It's only a matter of when.

You said you'd always be there.
You're not.

Trust me when I say you do not want to hear all the things I really have to say.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met you.

You Can Call Me Unperfect, But Who's Perfect?

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that some things have nothing to do with you, aren't personal or to not be selfish. Or even if you remember those things, to believe is something entirely different. Hearts aren't logical, how can one make them so? Or are you supposed to just figure out how to ignore them? That's the only thing I can think of. You can't change how you feel about something, so the only other option is to pretend it doesn't exist.

I guess I'm not so good at that. (Clearly.)

Sometimes things that "aren't supposed" to make you sad, still make you sad.

And I'm sad.

I Can't Stay On Your Life Support, There's A Shortage In The Switch...

Today was a really bad day, for me. It was uncomfortable, awkward, long, painful and mostly discouraging. I realized how unhappy I am with myself, in every way. At first this encouraged me. I had a plan and I was going to do it no matter what. And then there's that dangerous time when you have two and a half hours to yourself with literally nothing to do but think. My brain is my worst enemy, I have acknowledged and said this before. But it doesn't mean I'm wrong. More often than not, in fact, I. am. exactly. right.

So I started thinking about my life and myself. I hate both. I hate where I live, I hate the way I do what I do, I hate being away from every single person that I love. I hate loving people who don't deserve it. I hate that a bunch of fucking doctors can't tell me what is wrong with me and I hate that I am paying for tests "just to check" even though they "don't think it's that" in the attempt to find something, anything to give me some relief. I hate that I have been in the worst pain of my life for three weeks now. I hate being told what isn't wrong.

I hate who I have become. I hate not knowing how to control my thoughts or my feelings. I hate that I can't handle things. I hate being so depressed I wish I could not live life anymore. I hate leaving a loveless marriage because I had to, only to find that I am now even more unhappy than I was then (not that I'd ever even consider going back), by myself.

What does that say about me? I know what it says. I know who I am now. I can leave people I hate, but I can't leave myself. I don't know how to change. I have no passion left for anything. I'm not sure I have anything of anything left. For a minute, I thought I did... I guess that was something else.

I'm tired of fighting every day to make my life and myself better, and getting absolutely no where. Things only get worse. I am out of energy, hope, and drive. I have no idea why anyone wants a single thing to do with me anymore. I am as sick of talking about the same things over and over as you are, I promise. Nothing changes. No matter what I try to change or improve, it does nothing.

I have so much I should be thankful for. And I'm not ungrateful. Lots of people have it worse. But I can't handle this life, anymore. Not anymore.

The Truth Is All That I Can Hear Everytime You Lie...

"Goodbye" is the word swimming around in my head, but my lips don't want to speak it. Life isn't easy, nor is it supposed to be, but why must everything be so difficult? Why does it seem like the things you should do are always the absolute hardest?

Why can't people act the way they should, and do the things they should, and things happen as they should? What proof is there that everything that is "right" works out in the end? Who's to say the things that go wrong weren't actually supposed to? What if people just fuck shit up with stupid decisions or actions? I guess there's no way to change that. But it sure fucking sucks.

I'm sad. I don't want to. But I think I have to. Because life is stupid. And good people get fucked, while others don't care, or take them for granted.

And that's the way it goes...

Whyawannabringmedown?

You'll think what you want
Say what you will
It doesn't mean you know anything
What is is not always what it seems

It's not your place
The choice isn't yours
Don't do me any "favors"
You don't know what I need

It doesn't help
You do me a disservice
It's not a game for you to play
Shut up and go away

My life is only mine
It doesn't matter what you believe
You don't know a thing
And only I speak for me.

They Won't Say Which Way To Go, Just Trust Your Heart...

It's interesting to consider doing something that's out of character for yourself. But maybe that's what I need to make any actual changes happen.

But is it really something you should do? Or if you do that, are you being untrue to yourself? Or being fake?

Are you losing you? Or trying to be someone you're not?

Does it actually even matter in ANY way?

Hmmmm.

This Was The Very First Page, Not Where The Storyline Ends...

People always say to "take it one day at a time" or some other general cliche. I was watching a movie the other day and a quote one of the characters said made me think. He said, "When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning."

I was thinking about how sometimes things happen that just feel like...like it's just the end of everything, like you've finally reached your breaking point, like you've really had all you can take. And then most of the time, when you look back on it a month, a week, maybe even a few days later, in many cases it's not even hardly as big of a deal as it seemed at the time, maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. Or you get upset because something you wanted to happen didn't, but then it turns out that you're really glad it didn't. Sometimes it's easier to look at the overall outcome rather than take it day to day, because when you look back on it as a whole, it's not nearly as intense.

It just makes me think more about fate and things being predetermined. If we knew for a fact that something would or wouldn't happen regardless of the actions we did (or did not) take, would we still try for things? And if not, would no one trying for anything then change what everything is predetermined to be? Is it possible that what we do actually has no bearing on the outcome, because it's already set? Do we actually spend time trying for things that will never happen, or does everything in some way shape everything else?

I feel like maybe fate takes us to a certain point. From there, we decide where we go, what choices we make. It'd be much more comforting if we could be sure that the "ending" would be one specific way or another. We'd know that it would either be what we wanted or not, and if it wasn't then we wouldn't waste our time trying to make it happen. To have that certainty, in my opinion, would be a huge comfort. I think I would probably put more effort into things knowing that it was for good reason, and not that I was just going to work myself to the bone for nothing. Yeah... I would take knowing for sure any day, for probably any situation (nothing comes straight to mind that I wouldn't want to know). I think if we all knew that what we were working toward was "worthwhile" that people would work twice as hard. Then again that goes back to, would people stop trying if they didn't "have" to? Two very different perspectives and kinds of people...

This was pointless, but for some reason I felt like writing. My head is just non-stop lately.

Weird.