I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who doesn't love me. Now I also know what it's like to be on the other side...to be loved by someone I don't-can't-love. Of course, he doesn't actually love me, though he thinks he does. He doesn't like the person that I am, and he doesn't love me either. But he thinks he does, and I know that one day he'll realize that. Until then, though... Well, I just know that it sucks.
I've wondered about it before, about which side would be harder or "worse" to be on. I feel bad. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, for any reason. But it's not something that I can control. Even without taking into account all of the circumstances and reasons for feeling the way I do, there's not any way to change it. To say I changed isn't exactly right... I think it would be more accurate to say that I found myself again. For a long time I let go of everything I was and wanted and I became a person that I thought I should be, that someone wanted me to be. Depression was a huge part of it too. With all of it together, I kind of turned into this shell of who I used to be. I lost interest in everything I used to love and focused on nothing but trying to make "our" life a good one, to be what I thought a wife should be. More than anything I wanted to be loved and taken care of, and there were more than a few times that that led to some decisions that were probably not the best.
I tried so hard, for so many years, to try to make things okay. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that if I could just fix myself, everything would be okay. Last summer something happened, something inside of me, that made me remember who I was, what I wanted, and showed me what I needed to be able to get that. And that I deserved everything I want and need. I told him what those things were...and I believe he tried in every way he was capable to try to be that. But just as I shouldn't have to be anyone else, neither should he. Neither should anyone.
One day he said that he had just realized that "maybe things won't work out" and he had to accept that. I didn't know what to do with that. I had always been operating under the assumption, no-the fact, that we were meant to be together, and everything would work out because that's how it was, and that was all there is to it. It rocked my own personal little world to find that uncertainty... To know that wasn't the case, and then think about the situation and everything going on in my life at that time. And I realized that we just weren't supposed to be together. That's why we couldn't make it work - because it wasn't supposed to work. We spent so many years trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. We both deserve to be happy...and the only way for that to happen was and is without each other.
And with the support and love and so many things from the people I am closest to, I found the strength to end something that I used to think would be forever. I realized my worth, I realized what I am capable of. I realized that the person I really am, who for so many years I didn't think I could be, was okay. I have a lot of things I want to work on on myself...but there is nothing wrong with me. I was just in a relationship with someone I wasn't meant to be with. Someone who wasn't meant to be with me.
Maybe there is someone out there especially for me. I don't really know anymore. I just knew I couldn't stay in a situation because I was scared of the "other" choice. Regardless of how my life turns out, I know I made the right decision. And that's without even taking into account all of the other circumstances surrounding it all. There is no question.
It's hard to see a situation where someone is in love with someone who doesn't love them back. Call me a romantic, but I believe in true love and I believe in fate and destiny. Love should never be unrequited...and to know, SEE, for a fact that it very much is and can be... Well, it's just sad to think about. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I hope I find the one who's out there for me... Love enhances everything else there is in life, in my opinion. Regardless, I know now who I am and who I want to be, who I'm capable of being...
And that's all I really know for sure anymore.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
You're So Vain, I'll Bet You Think This Song Is About You, Don't You?
I honestly wonder what happens to some people to make them think that they are so much better than anyone else. It's not even just a feeling of importance (though that's certainly part of it), but they actually think they deserve things more than other people. Mainly attention. Tell me, why should people pay attention to immaturity, or childishness, or obsession? I have dogs. A bunch of them. When you're training dogs, you learn how to deal with attention-seeking behaviour (which is negative). You ignore it. You don't reward it by giving the attention that they want. Eventually they learn the proper way to act and will stop misbehaving in efforts to get (positive or negative) attention from people. Some people, it seems, aren't as smart as dogs are.
Who do I think I am to say anything about the way anyone else acts? I don't think I'm anyone. I'm no one to preach. I'm simply a person (a pretty decent one, I think) voicing my opinion on my personal blog for anyone that chooses to read it. I cannot understand why negative actions are not met with consequences. Who is anyone to think that they are above that? That they can do whatever the hell they want to whoever the hell they want and it doesn't matter? Where does this idea self-importance come from? Every person is important. Every life is important. Just because some people choose to act as though they are better than others (when really, they're probably the most insecure and scared of us all), doesn't mean that that is in fact, true. And in my personal opinion, it actually makes you WORSE than others. People who choose to take negative action or put any kind of negative energy on another person are just low. You NEVER know what someone else is dealing with or going through. For all you know someone could be on the verge of trying to take their own life and one of your snide, bitchy comments could be the thing that makes them believe that, they're right, truly no one in the world gives a shit about them and in fact actually loathes them as much as they loathe theirselves. Would you want to be responsible for that? Seriously? I wouldn't.
This is the last thing I will ever say to you. You are a rude, immature, obsessive child, with some unfounded idea that you are above or more "special" than anyone else in this world. When in reality, you're a mean loser who can't take a hint, with no real friends, because you don't know how to treat people appropriately, leaving you looking like the ignorant, crazy asshole that you choose to be. Your CHOICES are what make you who you are and I hope that one day you will realize exactly how awful you are and I hope people are strong enough not to let you hurt them until you get there, if you ever get there. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It's not like it really matters though, because you'll think you're above anything I say anyway. Good luck to you.
Everyone else in my world, I adore you and thank you for being part of my life. Love love love. Xx
Who do I think I am to say anything about the way anyone else acts? I don't think I'm anyone. I'm no one to preach. I'm simply a person (a pretty decent one, I think) voicing my opinion on my personal blog for anyone that chooses to read it. I cannot understand why negative actions are not met with consequences. Who is anyone to think that they are above that? That they can do whatever the hell they want to whoever the hell they want and it doesn't matter? Where does this idea self-importance come from? Every person is important. Every life is important. Just because some people choose to act as though they are better than others (when really, they're probably the most insecure and scared of us all), doesn't mean that that is in fact, true. And in my personal opinion, it actually makes you WORSE than others. People who choose to take negative action or put any kind of negative energy on another person are just low. You NEVER know what someone else is dealing with or going through. For all you know someone could be on the verge of trying to take their own life and one of your snide, bitchy comments could be the thing that makes them believe that, they're right, truly no one in the world gives a shit about them and in fact actually loathes them as much as they loathe theirselves. Would you want to be responsible for that? Seriously? I wouldn't.
This is the last thing I will ever say to you. You are a rude, immature, obsessive child, with some unfounded idea that you are above or more "special" than anyone else in this world. When in reality, you're a mean loser who can't take a hint, with no real friends, because you don't know how to treat people appropriately, leaving you looking like the ignorant, crazy asshole that you choose to be. Your CHOICES are what make you who you are and I hope that one day you will realize exactly how awful you are and I hope people are strong enough not to let you hurt them until you get there, if you ever get there. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It's not like it really matters though, because you'll think you're above anything I say anyway. Good luck to you.
Everyone else in my world, I adore you and thank you for being part of my life. Love love love. Xx
Friday, April 8, 2011
Maybe This Is Wishful Thinking, Probably Mindless Dreaming...
There are certain things in life that should be free. Things that no one profits on, that everyone just gets. Or can get at an average, set price. Water, basic foods, basic clothing. Even homes, health insurance, transportation. Even if there was a standard and everything was the same. People with means could always "upgrade" if they felt the need, but at least everyone would have the basics. No one would be hungry, no one would be homeless. Some people probably don't consider the same things to be necessities as others, but certain things keep us alive and allow life around us (schools, jobs, medical facilities, etc.) to continue functioning day after day. Everyone should have an opportunity to live.
When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...
Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.
I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.
Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.
It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.
I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.
A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.
Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.
Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.
Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.
When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...
Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.
I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.
Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.
It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.
I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.
A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.
Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.
Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.
Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.
Friday, March 4, 2011
I Wish I Could Define All The Thoughts That Cross My Mind...
I've been very...curious lately. That isn't the right word, but I can't think of the one I want. Inquisitive? Thoughtful? Bah. I've been thinking a lot, but not like usual. More broadly, about unimportant or random things. It may just be because I'm having quite a difficult time concentrating/focusing lately... I swear I'd have lost my head by this point was it not attached to my neck. I'm definitely a bit out of sorts lately, I'm just not sure what to attribute it to... I can't even figure out how to explain. I just feel a bit odd. Who knows...
I do have a few things going on. It's our busiest time of year at work; it's Spring Break so it's super chaotic but also really fun. I get to see hundreds of "kids" who willingly and excitedly give up their Spring Breaks to volunteer their time to help someone who has less than they do. It's comforting to know that there are still people in the world who put others before themselves, or lend a hand to someone in need purely out of the goodness of their hearts. It's an amazing thing to witness.
This weekend I've given myself a project of sorts. I have some things that need to be packed up and moved out, and then I want (need) to go through like EVERYTHING. I still don't know where my camera is, and that's upsetting to me. I don't want to buy another one as there's better places my money can go right now as I go off on my own, so to speak. Of course a camera is not a necessity but memories are so special to me and so important, and lord knows I have the worst memory in the world. I'm more just irritated because I know it's around here somewhere, just not in any of the "usual" places. No doubt I was in a hurry and put it somewhere and said "Ah, I'll definitely think to look here when I need it!" and it's right under my nose somewhere. Frustrating though.
Life is frustrating me right now. It's like so much is on the tip of my tongue, and I either can't think of how to put it or explain. I have all of these random thoughts and I've started writing them down, but then when I try to put them together I can't seem to do it. I don't know, maybe I'm just overtired and all the stress is taking a toll on me... I'm definitely scared about the near future, I won't deny it, but I'm also very excited. I'm proud of myself for some things and I'm looking forward to some others. I know that I still get down often and although it's something I am working on, I still have a long way to go... But, overall I am actually feeling confident, excited, at ease. Even though I have a lot of day-to-day stresses, overall I am calm...I know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm trying to have faith that everything will work itself out. Even though I'm not there yet, I'm confident I'm on the right path, and I am really grateful and appreciative of all the love and support so many people have given me. I hope that soon I can be the friend that you deserve in return.
Soooooo um here's some of my random thoughts to close out this babble...
If I could meet any celebrity, I'd probably pick Ellen. Or Craig Ferguson.
I find it really frustrating when people who do really bad things get everything they want in life... I know that's probably a horrible thing to say. It's just like...do they even learn anything?
Every girl should be swept up into the arms of a man who loves her at least once in her life.
I don't really get why people are so harsh about "Glee"... My assumption is it's judgment without ever having seen it, simply because all it is is a group of really talented people who sing and dance... Okay, there's some drama too but, it's still about the music!
I've spoken to a lot of friends lately who are really hurting. I wish people weren't capable of falling in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. That should be how it works... No more heartbreak.
"Letters To Juliet" is quite possibly my 2nd favorite movie ever. I can't watch it enough. Love.
I think we can change our thought processes and what we think about, but I'm not sure that really changes what's in our hearts.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the devil.
I like the quote that says, "I love you not only because of who you are, but because of who I am when I'm with you." I think that's so beautiful. The people we love can bring out the very best in us.
If a person can't make an album/sing live without using autotune and all kinds of other effects, they shouldn't be making an album. Leave it to the people with actual talent.
No one should make someone fall for them if they have no intention of catching them when they do.
Sometimes I think it isn't a choice whether or not to give your heart to someone... Sometimes it gives itself away without warning (or your permission). There really isn't anything you can do.
In relationships of any kind, you should always lay all of your cards on the table. Anyone worth having in your life will love you as you are, and they deserve your honesty in return. Everything catches up to you at some point... It's all connected somehow. Hiding things or lying helps no one. Not even you.
Some people make me really just wonder WTF happened that makes them think they're so important, or better than everyone else.
Sometimes, I really do wish I could hate some people.
A troll is a troll is a troll is a troll. What is it? Oh that's right - a troll.
I intend to start a new escort service that shall be called Laypal. (if you don't know that's a joke, well...)
Some people forgot my birthday...or just intentionally said nothing. Either way it's kinda... :(
If you could snap your fingers and right now be with anybody, anywhere... Where would you be?
And who would you be with?
I do have a few things going on. It's our busiest time of year at work; it's Spring Break so it's super chaotic but also really fun. I get to see hundreds of "kids" who willingly and excitedly give up their Spring Breaks to volunteer their time to help someone who has less than they do. It's comforting to know that there are still people in the world who put others before themselves, or lend a hand to someone in need purely out of the goodness of their hearts. It's an amazing thing to witness.
This weekend I've given myself a project of sorts. I have some things that need to be packed up and moved out, and then I want (need) to go through like EVERYTHING. I still don't know where my camera is, and that's upsetting to me. I don't want to buy another one as there's better places my money can go right now as I go off on my own, so to speak. Of course a camera is not a necessity but memories are so special to me and so important, and lord knows I have the worst memory in the world. I'm more just irritated because I know it's around here somewhere, just not in any of the "usual" places. No doubt I was in a hurry and put it somewhere and said "Ah, I'll definitely think to look here when I need it!" and it's right under my nose somewhere. Frustrating though.
Life is frustrating me right now. It's like so much is on the tip of my tongue, and I either can't think of how to put it or explain. I have all of these random thoughts and I've started writing them down, but then when I try to put them together I can't seem to do it. I don't know, maybe I'm just overtired and all the stress is taking a toll on me... I'm definitely scared about the near future, I won't deny it, but I'm also very excited. I'm proud of myself for some things and I'm looking forward to some others. I know that I still get down often and although it's something I am working on, I still have a long way to go... But, overall I am actually feeling confident, excited, at ease. Even though I have a lot of day-to-day stresses, overall I am calm...I know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm trying to have faith that everything will work itself out. Even though I'm not there yet, I'm confident I'm on the right path, and I am really grateful and appreciative of all the love and support so many people have given me. I hope that soon I can be the friend that you deserve in return.
Soooooo um here's some of my random thoughts to close out this babble...
If I could meet any celebrity, I'd probably pick Ellen. Or Craig Ferguson.
I find it really frustrating when people who do really bad things get everything they want in life... I know that's probably a horrible thing to say. It's just like...do they even learn anything?
Every girl should be swept up into the arms of a man who loves her at least once in her life.
I don't really get why people are so harsh about "Glee"... My assumption is it's judgment without ever having seen it, simply because all it is is a group of really talented people who sing and dance... Okay, there's some drama too but, it's still about the music!
I've spoken to a lot of friends lately who are really hurting. I wish people weren't capable of falling in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. That should be how it works... No more heartbreak.
"Letters To Juliet" is quite possibly my 2nd favorite movie ever. I can't watch it enough. Love.
I think we can change our thought processes and what we think about, but I'm not sure that really changes what's in our hearts.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the devil.
I like the quote that says, "I love you not only because of who you are, but because of who I am when I'm with you." I think that's so beautiful. The people we love can bring out the very best in us.
If a person can't make an album/sing live without using autotune and all kinds of other effects, they shouldn't be making an album. Leave it to the people with actual talent.
No one should make someone fall for them if they have no intention of catching them when they do.
Sometimes I think it isn't a choice whether or not to give your heart to someone... Sometimes it gives itself away without warning (or your permission). There really isn't anything you can do.
In relationships of any kind, you should always lay all of your cards on the table. Anyone worth having in your life will love you as you are, and they deserve your honesty in return. Everything catches up to you at some point... It's all connected somehow. Hiding things or lying helps no one. Not even you.
Some people make me really just wonder WTF happened that makes them think they're so important, or better than everyone else.
Sometimes, I really do wish I could hate some people.
A troll is a troll is a troll is a troll. What is it? Oh that's right - a troll.
I intend to start a new escort service that shall be called Laypal. (if you don't know that's a joke, well...)
Some people forgot my birthday...or just intentionally said nothing. Either way it's kinda... :(
If you could snap your fingers and right now be with anybody, anywhere... Where would you be?
And who would you be with?
Sunday, February 27, 2011
And With A Broken Wing, She Still Sings...
I didn't make a New Year's Resolution really. I was trying to go through some sort of like, self-realization period to figure out what I need and want from myself, my life, and the people in it. As tomorrow marks my 26th birthday, I'm making myself a resolution for this year of my life. I personally feel that there are many areas where I could stand some improvement, so I've been trying to really think about what change(s) I need to make in my life to be happier, healthier, and to move on from the negative things of the past year.
It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.
Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.
It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.
I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.
I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.
I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.
I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.
I have to.
All My Love... Lo xx
It's not that I dwell on things so much as that, I have a hard time letting go or "forgetting" ... I take hurt very hard, and it stays with me for a long time, especially if there is no closure or resolution. I want to be liked by everyone and I want to help anyone I can that needs/wants it. I want to be the best friend anyone has ever had. I want to make someone smile or laugh every day, because I love the idea that I can bring any small bit of joy to someone else's life.
Not to say that I had a hard life growing up, because I don't think that would be fair to say. But, my dad didn't live nearby and my mom was working 2-3 jobs to make sure that my brother and I were taken care of. That left a too-young little girl taking care of a little brother and things around the house and trying to have perfect grades and trying to be who my mom, or my grandparents, or my teachers wanted me to be. I've always tried to please everyone and take care of everyone. And I think it's time that I focus on me.
It's difficult to change a way that you've always been, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm not saying that I want to be selfish or a jerk or disregard my friendships. I think that I need to learn to make sure that first and foremost I am taken care of and that things are in my best interest before I worry about others. I need to better protect myself from situations that open me up to be used or hurt. I know there's no way to avoid that completely but I need to stop letting people in so easily and without concern. I am someone that should be valued and the people that take advantage of my kindness or my friendship or my love or whatever the case may be, don't deserve to be called a "friend" to begin with.
I've learned a lot in the last year. I've learned that people are capable of doing things you never, ever could have imagined they'd do to anyone, but especially not to someone they "love". I've learned that sometimes the person that "knows you best," actually has no clue who you are. I've learned what it's like to hate someone you used to love with all of your heart. I've learned that love may not ever be enough. I've learned what it's like to have your heart shattered into a billion pieces. I've learned what it's like to cry so hard you really think you might actually die from it. I've learned what it's like to have everything you believe crushed in a single second. I've learned what it's like to hate someone almost as much as you fucking adore them.
I've learned things aren't always what they seem. I've learned what it's like to feel butterflies. I've learned that people will always make assumptions, but that doesn't mean what they think is true. I've learned that everyone is going to have an opinion, even when it doesn't concern them. I've learned that sometimes truly good people get lost, and lose themselves, too. I've learned what it's like to smile so much my cheeks hurt. I've learned what it's like to feel completely content in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, for once in my life. I've learned that you really don't find things when you're looking for them; instead you trip, fall and roll down a flight of friggen stairs the minute you stop paying attention. I've learned that you really can count on some people to have your back no matter what. I've learned that you can miss people, even ones you've never met, so unbearably your chest actually aches.
I've learned that distance ain't got nothin' on true friendship and love.
I've learned that I deserve better than a lot of what I put up with. My opinions, my wants, my feelings, my needs, DO matter. Just as much as anyone else's, and to me they should matter the most. I am a very loving person, and I hope that I always will be. I have always thought that any pain was worth going through for really loving and caring for people. Generally speaking, and as I said though I know I have a lot of room for improvement, I like the person I am. I think I'd wanna know me if I was someone else, I think I'm pretty decent. I need to be more careful of the people I let into my heart and into my life, and I need to make sure they deserve my friendship. I can't take more hurt like what I have experienced this past year. I know, I know, we'll live through any of this emotional shit, blah blah. I am broken...and I'm trying to get myself back together. That starts with me. By focusing on myself and making decisions for no one else but me.
I will get the pieces back together. And when I do, I intend to stay that way.
I have to.
All My Love... Lo xx
I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This Just In...
I was at the store today getting groceries and at the check out of course you can't help but notice the seemingly hundreds of bullshit tabloids all over the place. Ridiculous headlines, completely false stories, invasions of privacy, etc. etc. So many people are so concerned with the lives of people that they don't (and likely never will) know. Not to say that it's outrageous for a person to care about the general well-being and whatnot of someone they don't know, but what makes people think that it's their right to know about personal details of anyone else? If there are some who choose to share things with others that's their choice, but it's still not anyone's right to have that information.
I've been in and around multiple fanbases in my life and I've seen a lot of things... The thing that I don't think people realize is that, even if you are "positively" supporting (in most cases) a celebrity, but you are concerned with their every move, thought, job, relationship, in a lot of ways you are just as bad as those who are "against" them for whatever reason. Just because you don't diss them or hate on them or whatever the hell the case is, that doesn't mean that your actions are warranted or acceptable. Celebrities that have problems with being followed every second of every day and the other things that A-Listers go through; do you think that they are any happier about one of their fans digging into their personal life rather than someone who dislikes or doesn't care about them? In fact in some ways, people who are NOT fans of theirs probably "bother" them less because more than likely they're less concerned and less involved in their lives than their fans are. I'm just saying that I don't think people think about the fact that butting into someone else's life, whether it's for good intentions or bad, is not okay.
I was thinking about like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and many others... What a fine line they must have to walk. In their profession, their job is essentially to make people believe that they are these characters. As I am not an actor these are only my assumptions, but I would think as an actor you want people to care about the relationship between the characters, you want them to be invested in it, you want them to cry when they break up and be elated when they finally work things out. And then they have real life relationships and people are so focused on it because they are invested in the relationship because they still see it as the two people they're "rooting" for in the movie, to an extent the relationship overlaps.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. I was just thinking that it must be really tough... Wanting to make people care but also wanting them not to care. Obviously the characters that they portray are completely different than who they are and their real life relationship, but I think more often than not that distinction gets lost, and I think that's a lot of what causes the scrutiny and obsession with their real life private lives.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to support celebrities, I'm saying that regardless of their career and whether or not it "comes with the territory" - no one has any right to information about someone else's life. And that people need to realize that positive attention doesn't necessarily mean it's any better than negative attention... It may still be none of your business.
I've been in and around multiple fanbases in my life and I've seen a lot of things... The thing that I don't think people realize is that, even if you are "positively" supporting (in most cases) a celebrity, but you are concerned with their every move, thought, job, relationship, in a lot of ways you are just as bad as those who are "against" them for whatever reason. Just because you don't diss them or hate on them or whatever the hell the case is, that doesn't mean that your actions are warranted or acceptable. Celebrities that have problems with being followed every second of every day and the other things that A-Listers go through; do you think that they are any happier about one of their fans digging into their personal life rather than someone who dislikes or doesn't care about them? In fact in some ways, people who are NOT fans of theirs probably "bother" them less because more than likely they're less concerned and less involved in their lives than their fans are. I'm just saying that I don't think people think about the fact that butting into someone else's life, whether it's for good intentions or bad, is not okay.
I was thinking about like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and many others... What a fine line they must have to walk. In their profession, their job is essentially to make people believe that they are these characters. As I am not an actor these are only my assumptions, but I would think as an actor you want people to care about the relationship between the characters, you want them to be invested in it, you want them to cry when they break up and be elated when they finally work things out. And then they have real life relationships and people are so focused on it because they are invested in the relationship because they still see it as the two people they're "rooting" for in the movie, to an extent the relationship overlaps.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. I was just thinking that it must be really tough... Wanting to make people care but also wanting them not to care. Obviously the characters that they portray are completely different than who they are and their real life relationship, but I think more often than not that distinction gets lost, and I think that's a lot of what causes the scrutiny and obsession with their real life private lives.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to support celebrities, I'm saying that regardless of their career and whether or not it "comes with the territory" - no one has any right to information about someone else's life. And that people need to realize that positive attention doesn't necessarily mean it's any better than negative attention... It may still be none of your business.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I Never Really Cared Until I Met You...
Why is it that people find it necessary to question everything? (That was some kind of weird oxymoron in itself, huh?) But really. Sometimes it's so incredibly difficult to just take something at face value and not think or worry about its outcome. Speaking for myself, I know it's usually out of fear. Fear of being hurt, or let down. Fear of being betrayed. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of being used...
In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.
I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).
But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.
I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.
I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)
And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.
In this instance it's most definitely fear of being hurt. Or used. It's easy to say just let it go and what's supposed to happen will, but in a situation you have to know that if you are going to allow it to happen, you're setting yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. Especially if it's something that's hurt you in the past. You owe it to yourself to look at it objectively and I suppose you need to decide if you actually believe the outcome will be different this time, or, if you aren't sure about that, whether or not whatever it is is worth taking that risk. I'm just not completely sure I can survive anymore pain...even if it is worth risking.
I have so much uncertainty in my life right now, and that's very difficult for me. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that things will happen in their own time, but I am the type of person who, when something needs to be done, I want to get it done and be finished with it. Obviously, life doesn't always work that way (in fact I think few things really happen in the timeframe we'd like them to). It doesn't help that I overthink just about everything, some of which I think is warranted, others not so much (and I'm trying to be better about that).
But, when things are done, you know the outcome. Good or bad. You have some sort of closure. Some things you just can't help but worry about... They are important to you and they affect your life in a way that is significant... They have the power to make you or break you. Then again, you probably should be able to not allow anything to affect you that severely, especially when it involves other people, who you can never fully rely on. To know that no matter what you WILL make it through, you will be okay, you will be stronger in the end would be great... But there is no guarantee of that.
I wonder if there really are "signs" in the world... Things that the Universe causes to happen or to appear to help us make the correct choices and take the right roads in life. Are they real, or are they just one more mystical thing that some dumb story has subconsciously made us believe in? In "real life" there are so many things that we rely on rules or proof for every single day. And yet we want to believe in fate, destiny, LOVE. "True love" ... This absurd idea that out of the 6 billion people on the planet, we're going to at some point in our lives meet, let alone fall in love with, the one single solitary person who is meant for us. It's completely ridiculous. Yet we all want it. We believe in it because it's comforting to know (think) that there's one person out there who is our perfect match. Our partner, our best friend, our other half. To know (believe) that the Universe will bring this person into our lives and we'll know they're made for us because that's just how it goes. It would be a guarantee of sorts. Even people who say they don't believe in or want any of these things - how could they turn it away it if something that incredible actually HAPPENED? It would be life-altering. But until (unless) something significant happens, it's all still just a tall tale. How will we know for sure when one of these important things occur? Maybe we don't pay attention to how significant some events actually are in our lives. Then again, the existence of fate would ensure everything happened exactly how it was meant to anyway... So are our choices moot, as everything is predetermined anyway? Maybe. Maybe not.
I choose to believe in the existence of these mystical, wonderful, amazing things. I also believe that they only take us so far, and once they get us wherever we're supposed to be, doing whatever we're supposed to be doing, with whoever we're supposed to be doing it with, it's up to us to decide where to go with it. (Or, sometimes, to ignore it completely.)
And in the end, it doesn't actually matter anyway what we should or shouldn't do... Most people are going to follow their hearts anyway, regardless of what their head is screaming at them. I don't know yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Wish I did.
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