And Then No Need To Endure Anymore, Time Dies...

I sit and listen to a man talk and laugh with co-workers. A man who lost his beloved wife suddenly two weeks ago. And here I sit, wishing I didn't have to live anymore. And I feel worse because not only do I no longer value life, but I am so depressed and so sad that I can barely stand it. Yet this man who has just suffered this great loss is okay, he's making it, he's getting through the day. And I want to give up and die. I've not recently experienced a loss such as his, but I cannot figure out how to overcome things. How to face losing everything and everyone. How to find happiness again.

And I'm jealous. Jealous of his ability, jealous of people who are happy, even my own friends, who have and can do things that I can't figure out. Who know how to overcome. Who are stronger than I am.

I don't want pity. I don't want anything from anyone.

I just want it all to stop.

I am a horrible human being.

Already Gone.

Forget what I said. I give up. I'm done trying. Done.

I'm Doing Everything I Can, I'm Getting Back From Where I've Been...

It's been a while since I've really blogged... I guess I feel like I'm always writing the same thing over and over again. Of course, it's your choice whether you read my repetitiveness or not, so I guess what matters more is that I say what I want/need to say and not worry about what other people think (which I fully acknowledge that I do too much, anyway). Anyway...

There's a lot of really shitty things going on in my life right now. Has been for the last year or so. It's been really hard, really discouraging, and really fucking exhausting. A lot of things are out of my hands and I'm working to try to accept and deal with them as I can, but it's something I'm definitely struggling with. I'm sick of bad things in my life and I'm sick of seeing bad things happen to other people who don't deserve it. I know that's a part of life, but that isn't a good enough excuse for me anymore. I'm sick of the cliches about how life is hard, and shit happens, and everything is part of a greater plan, and blah blah blah... That in itself is something I'm really having a hard time with.

With all that being said, I've decided to use the excuse of a new year to try and make the changes that are within my power and try to improve the parts of my life that I'm able to. I've acknowledged that things are only going to get worse before they get better. That blows, but it's the truth and I always try to be blatantly honest with myself... Sugarcoating anything only makes it worse in the long run. There are so many things that happen to us and around us that we can't control. We can't make people stop lying and stealing and cheating; we can't control other people at all. We can't love someone we don't. We can't change the economy and we can't change how things work and operate. It sucks. It sucks a lot. But it doesn't change anything.

So again, I'm going to try to change some things that I want to that are within my power. Some important, some not-so-much. But they all matter in some small way and they all go toward trying to make my life healthier, happier and overall more positive -

Which brings me to my first "resolution" - be more positive. In general. It's easy to focus on everything bad that's happening. It's more difficult to focus on the positive. But it isn't impossible. Bad things happen and we can dwell on them and let them bring us down, or we can accept that they've happened and if we can't change them, move on. It's easy to lose track of or ignore the good things in our lives because of negative things, but we don't have to let that happen. It's much easier said than done, but again, it's not impossible.

Secondly, I will be healthier. I want to lose my last 10-15 lbs. Starting tomorrow, I will stop eating fast food and try to eat better in general. I will work out at least three times a week. As many of you know I have been dealing with a fairly large amount of health issues that are not within my control; however, I'm having a minor surgery on January 5th that I hope will help many of those. I believe that being physically healthier will help my state of mind and allow me to be more relaxed, less stressed and overall happier.

Thirdly, I will put more effort into my everyday life. I'll put more effort into myself and my appearance. I will engage people I know and make an effort to meet new people. I will get out of my house and do things that I enjoy... If I can't think of any, I'll find some. I'll keep the people in my life who make me happy......... and rid myself of the ones who do not. No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts. I will be sure the people I love know that I love them. I will be the friend that I should have been for the last year. I will remember who I am and what I'm worth... I will stop letting other people and their opinions affect the things I do or say. I will live for me, love my dogs and figure out where my life is going to go, and make it happen. The time for change is now and no one can do it but me.

I know this sounds all... I don't know the word. But it's sincere and I guess I'm just putting it out into the universe. I've struggled with change for a very long time, and sometimes I feel extremely weak and often hopeless. I think that's just something that I have to overcome. There will always be obstacles and fears and hurt... It's just about learning to keep going and rising above it all. I'm not there yet, but I'm gonna figure it out. I can't go through another year like this one, in fact I REFUSE to. So I'm starting now.

I want to thank all of the people in my life for sticking with me and for loving and supporting me despite my behavior, my faults and some of my choices. My intentions are always good but sometimes the outcome isn't what we intend. Thank you for seeing me through the bullshit and all of my struggles. I truly wouldn't be here at all if not for your love.

I wish everyone nothing but the best for the new year and beyond. You are in my heart and my thoughts. <3

All my love,

Lo

Sometimes all you want is for someone to be there when you need it the most. To figure out how to solve the problem.

I wish I could end it all.

Stuck...

I dislike games. I think everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say. I don't like having to "control" what I do or don't do because of other people. I don't like that certain things in my life are being controlled by outside influences, when they shouldn't be. I wish I could change things. Or just stop caring.

I hate this.

I'm finding it increasingly irritating that so many of life's choices, no matter how appropriate or even right they might be at the time they're made, end up just fucking us over in the end. It just doesn't seem like it should work that way. It's like lose-lose. Even if you make the right choices for the time, it doesn't always mean that things will end up right.

And I think that sucks.

Skies Are Crying, I Am Watching...

Last night I dreamt that you'd died. And the sad part is, I was actually jealous.

Everyone wants to know "what's wrong?" and "why are you so sad?" and says "surely it can't be that bad." The thing about depression (in my opinion) is that, there isn't always a reason. There's not a specific reason every time you're sad, there's nothing that happens that sends you crashing to the ground. It just happens, and you're just down, and there's just nothing that can pick you back up. Once you reach a certain point, there's no coming back from it. And it's a horrible thing to have to live through every day. And frankly, that's why I just don't want to anymore. THAT is what's wrong. THAT is why I'm so sad. THAT is what's so bad.

I'm tired of the cliche, bullshit "excuses" for why the world is the way that it is. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people. They do, but they shouldn't. People shouldn't lie, and cheat, and steal, but they do. People shouldn't hurt other people, but they do. Life isn't easy, but it should be. The basic parts of life and what you have to do to live it should be easy. No one should put everything they have into something to be kicked in the stomach and knocked to the ground, probably laughed at for actually trying to do something they believe in. No one should fall in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way or takes advantage of it. No one should care about others that don't give the same in return. No one should ever, EVER have to be hungry, homeless, sick or dying a slow, painful death. This world is a great big pile of shit, and I am sick of it.

People want to know why I don't have faith. Faith in WHAT? Faith in some higher being, who allows these bad things to happen to good people? Who allows children to be abused by their parents, the two people who are supposed to love them the most and without exception? Who allows hard-working people to suffer day after day after day regardless of anything they try to do to make their own lives better? Faith in something that's allowing the world to fall apart as we know it with war, hate, etc. etc. etc.?

Faith in myself, perhaps? Me. Who has failed in every way that it's possible to fail. I have failed as a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend, a lover, a person. I've failed as MYSELF. How did I let myself become this? How can I not know what I need to be able to save myself? Why have I hated myself and had so little belief in myself for so long, that now, I'm afraid, it's too late to get it back? How can you not know yourself? How can you not know what you need, and how to be okay?

Faith in others? There are some people in your life who will be worth it. Worth loving, worth caring for, worth your friendship. And there will be more who aren't. More who will take advantage, who will lie, who will use you and forget you. "To live for love is clearly nonsense." I can't handle the pain, anymore. I can't take the risk, anymore. Because my heart has broken too many times. I can't watch another person walk away and out of my life, without a second thought. The pain is too much. And I can't.

No doubt to many it sounds like I am merely complaining and "woe is me" and petty and whatever else you choose to think about me. I do believe that if you've not experienced depression (and I hope that you haven't), you can't really understand it. I wasn't going to write. I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to keep everything to myself and just think that maybe one day I won't feel like this anymore. I can't say "hope" because I no longer have any. It's a double-edged sword, really. You want people to leave you the fuck alone and let you be because they can't do anything to help, but when no one says anything it somehow makes the darkness even worse, like it's swallowing you, incapacitating you and sucking away the bit of oxygen you have left while you're trying to just keep breathing. Sometimes people just want to know you care. It doesn't mean it's a cry for attention. It doesn't mean it's anything more than words. Before you judge someone remember that you don't know what they're going through, regardless of what you assume about them or their lives. Perhaps I share too much of myself and what I think, and that's fine. But remember that I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you hear. Don't pretend that you know me or what I am thinking or feeling. Don't assume what I think or feel based on your own misguided, biased or warped ideas of me or things I do. Don't assume there's some damn hidden message or "secret person" I am writing to or about. Of course, it's your prerogative to do that, and I open myself up to it by saying anything publicly. That's one more shitty fucking thing about this world.

What do you think you'd think of people if you took away your assumptions and judgments that you've made about them? Think of what you actually, for a fact, know about someone, and then think about your opinion of them. How much is based on fact, and how much on something else? And how much do you talk about those assumptions, judgments, etc. to other people? How many lies have you unintentionally spread about someone? How many rumors have you started based on meritless gossip? I am so sick of all the bullshit in the world. You can't even have friendships or communications with people without some sort of needless drama anymore. Every positive is turned negative by something. Every high has a low. Every up has a down. Every good is bad. I used to think the good was good enough that it was worth the bad. Nothing is worth it anymore. The pain is too great, the crash too hard, and the heartbreak far too much.

You might argue that things won't be this way forever, and one day I'll feel better and be thankful that I lived through it. Stronger because I lived through it. Better. I say fuck that. No one should ever have to live a day, an hour, a minute, wishing that they wouldn't. No one should wake up every morning, wishing that they hadn't. At times like this, I wish that I'd never loved anyone, ever. Because love only leads to pain. Because I can't watch anyone else walk away from me. So I will take myself out of the equation. I never should have been a burden to anyone else, and I will not be anymore.

People keep asking me what I want. I don't have an answer anymore. I used to say "happiness," but I have accepted that that is not something that I will have. At least not without living through more of this, and frankly it's not worth it anymore. What I want is not to live anymore. But I have no choice. Please read this carefully: I could not and will not hurt myself. This is a (probably really horrible) attempt at explaining how I feel. Nothing more.

So... I guess my only answer is, I want "nothing." Because there is nothing left. To give, or to want.

I'm sorry.