I Don't Wanna Be A Book of Endings...

I'm incredibly frustrated. I feel like some things in my life right now are some sort of big joke. Kinda like someone's sitting and laughing at me... Like I'm naive and stupid.

I'm sick of letting people hurt me just because I love them too much to get them out of my life. Friendship has always been huge in my life; I didn't have my parents around a lot when I was younger so my friends have always been more like family to me. It's not fair that people take advantage of me and it's not fair that people make judgments on me, especially based on inaccurate information, when I don't even deserve it. Like... I'm fucking done with this shit. I'm sick of people treating me like shit I guess just because they can. I know that I deserve better and I know that I am worth more than certain situations I have in my life. And I don't know how to stop caring and letting them hurt me. Because I'm too scared of losing them to stand up for myself. I know you just thought, "But if you'd lose them for that they're not worth it anyway" or "if they hurt you over and over, they don't deserve you or your friendship anyway". I get that, and though I don't completely agree, it's a moot point because I don't know how to stop caring and I just don't know what to do. I'm trying so damn hard and I just don't know.

I don't want to lose anyone because they're important to me. Whether or not they deserve my time and friendship, the fact remains that I can't change my feelings, I can't just snap my fingers and stop caring about someone. And I love the people in my life. I've lost enough people that I value, my friends mean the world to me, I don't want to lose anyone else. I've dealt with so much loss... The thought of more just breaks my heart.

I know that I am the answer to this. I am the only one I can change, and I'm the one letting people hurt me and not treat me like a friend should be treated. I know that I deserve better than that. And I don't think any of these people do it intentionally. I just feel stuck. I don't want to keep getting sad and hurt, and I don't want to lose people that I really care about. And although I know that I need to let them go regardless because I don't deserve some things, I don't know how to stop caring, to stop wanting them in my life. I don't know how to forget the reasons we became friends to begin with.

I think this goes back to something that happened a few years ago... Sometimes I feel like people find it really easy to just stop caring about me, like it's so easy for them to just drop me and move on with their lives without even a second thought. I just can't seem to figure out how to do that, and it makes me feel weak, and stupid, and...worthless. I can't change anyone else, I can only change me and what I allow and how I react. I can't complain about someone or something hurting me over and over when I don't just rid my life of those negative influences and therefore continue to allow it. Things and people that are already in my heart, regardless of their current actions (or non-actions), I don't know how to get them out.

How do you just stop caring? How do you find the strength to let go of friendships you love and value? I think it's the hope that at some point they'll go back to the person you met and cared for to begin with. But that may never happen. Unfortunately people don't always show their true selves at the beginning. It makes me feel stupid for believing them, though. Like in some ways I feel very naive, just because I want to believe the best in people, and I want to believe that everyone will be as up front and honest about things as I am. But that's not realistic anymore. It's just not.

I'm so sick of rudeness, and lies, and people talking badly about me with things that aren't even true. I'm tired of being judged by people who think they know me, that make inaccurate assumptions without even actually getting to know me. I wish my friends would stick up for me when people make up stories about me, or even just have wrong ideas. I wish I was important enough to them that they'd tell people who I really am. I wish I was important enough in general. Or I wish I didn't care anymore. Yeah. Mostly I wish I didn't care.

I'm so pathetic, I know. I'm truly trying as hard as I can to be a stronger person, and I'm not making excuses for myself. I just feel lost, I feel like I'm losing hope. Everytime I think I'm getting ahead even the smallest bit, something knocks me on my ass, and I'm so discouraged because it feels like any progress I've made is just gone. It's just been a very hard few months...okay, or like 6 months. I know I'm stronger than I feel and I know that things could very easily be much worse than they are.

I just... I just want to be happy. That's seriously all I want in life. That probably sounds pathetic too; I don't have any big dreams or huge things that I want to accomplish. I just want to live a good, comfortable life and be happy. Again, that's probably pretty pathetic to people who have huge dreams and goals in life, but it is what it is... I don't need to be the headliner. I've struggled in many ways over the 26 years of my life, and I know what I value. Family, love, friendship. I don't have to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want a job that means something to me, for whatever reason. I want to be able to pick up and travel and see new places often. And I want to do it with people I love.

I just want to be happy. I'm trying to be patient and do what I can to make things the best that I can. I'm trying to have a positive attitude and surrounding myself with good people, who care for me very much. I'm just struggling. Doesn't mean I'm giving up and life isn't easy... Just struggling, and a little lost... But I'm working on it. Doing the best I can. And right now, that's all I can do.

Irony. Sometimes, it's not cute, it's not funny, it's not fucking anything. Except bullshit.

Bullshit like the words that people say that aren't even true. No one cares about lying to someone else anymore. When did rudeness and lying and bullshit become acceptable? I thought that standards existed that everyone aspired to in order to try and be a "good person." Apparently though, I was wrong. People can do anything to anyone and not miss a single step on their happy little path toward wherever. Doesn't matter who they step on or push out of the way; there are no such things as consequences. It doesn't matter if anyone else gets hurt. I'm sick of it. I'm disappointed in humanity and the (lack of) standards people live and treat others by. Few are an exception anymore.

You don't just treat people like shit because you can. Eventually they'll have enough of being treated badly. You'll see that you can't just have people in your life when you feel like it or need something, and ignore them otherwise. Maybe then you'll realize how wrong you were. But maybe not. I have no clue.

I thought you were better than that. I'm disappointed.

I Followed The Voice You Gave To Me...

It's very difficult to work so hard for something, in every way you know how really, and to never seem to be able to make any progress. It's very discouraging. I've realized that's what my problem is. When something happens that knocks me off my feet and I fall, it makes me feel like I haven't actually made any improvement and I'm right back where I started, which devastates me and every single even slightly imperfect thing or situation in my life is suddenly overwhelmingly awful. Obviously this isn't completely the case as I've learned a lot from many of the things I've been through; it's just disheartening to think you're getting somewhere to find or feel like you're in the same place. And when it just spirals into every aspect of my life, I tear myself apart...

I've been trying very hard to stop focusing on the negative. Even when I tell myself not to, I still do it. I have no idea why I am this way..and frankly I still don't know how to change it. I know what and who I want to be, but I don't know how to make it happen. I know it has to come from me. How do you take the strength that you know you have somewhere deep down and bring it to the surface? How do you make yourself believe in you again?

I've been trying to figure out specifically what it was that led me to the changes last summer. I suddenly found myself knowing what I wanted, how to get it, and that I actually did deserve it. For the first time in years, I knew that the person that I am is okay. Of course there are things I'd like to improve or change about myself, but I knew that my faults are not what define me. There is no perfect person; it's about acknowledging those flaws, changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. And focusing on the good qualities that you possess. Something made me lose that belief in myself... The belief that I am worth it, I am special, I am okay as who I am. I think I felt like the people who believed in me most and gave me the most support didn't believe in me or even care about me anymore, or that they had decided I wasn't good enough after all... I know I have to find it in myself, I cannot rely on others for that. However, it's difficult when you're trying to build yourself up, finding that self-worth, making your life what you want to make it... Not to lose faith in yourself when someone else does, when everything is so new. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else or not. It's just difficult to go from years of believing you're not worth anything to, well, anything else. Difficult, but not impossible. There are a lot of things we WANT to hear, but that doesn't mean we NEED to hear them. It's easy to forget that. Confidence, faith, strength, love for yourself, all comes from within. It feels great for someone to tell you that you're beautiful, but your vision or idea of yourself shouldn't rely on hearing that. You should know what you are and be proud of it without "needing" to hear it from the mouth of another.

I'm rambling. I just want to get back on track. I want to get back into the mindset that I was in this summer... I want to get back that faith in myself that I can't seem to find anymore. I'm working on it every day.

I was going to delete some of the past blogs that I've posted here... I'm a bit torn. This blog has been an outlet just for me, I don't write it for anyone else specifically to read. Feedback and hearing that people care is wonderful, but I don't do it for anyone else. I've worried many times that I share too much, that some things are too personal to be posted on my blog, as even though it is personal, it's certainly far from private being on the internet. I'm not a poetic or "artistic" sort of writer in any way; the topics, in my opinion, even if not blatant, that I write about are generally not difficult to recognize. Some of you have said that some of my posts have helped you, even if only to know that you are not alone in certain ways you think or feel. For that reason I've decided to leave them. I think I'll be more careful with what I post in the future, and I'll assume that everyone reads what I write (rather than thinking "so-and-so won't read this anyway, they don't follow my blog") because realistically I really never know who is seeing it. It's written for me, to let things out and to try to make sense of life, and for anyone that actually does benefit from my words for any reason at all. I hope I'm not wrong to continue.

Thank you to the people who haven't given up on me, even when I give up on myself, and feel I don't have any will or reason to go on with anything anymore. I'm sorry for those days... I want to rid my life of them permanently. Until I do...just thank you. And I'm sorry there's anyone I've hurt.

Edit: I did delete a few past blogs that I've realized were very misunderstood. I don't care what strangers think about me but I do care about what those who know me think. Perception can be a shitty thing, when it leads to incorrect assumptions. That's all I can say.

So Much For My Happy Ending...

I know what it feels like to be in love with someone who doesn't love me. Now I also know what it's like to be on the other side...to be loved by someone I don't-can't-love. Of course, he doesn't actually love me, though he thinks he does. He doesn't like the person that I am, and he doesn't love me either. But he thinks he does, and I know that one day he'll realize that. Until then, though... Well, I just know that it sucks.

I've wondered about it before, about which side would be harder or "worse" to be on. I feel bad. I don't ever want to hurt anyone, for any reason. But it's not something that I can control. Even without taking into account all of the circumstances and reasons for feeling the way I do, there's not any way to change it. To say I changed isn't exactly right... I think it would be more accurate to say that I found myself again. For a long time I let go of everything I was and wanted and I became a person that I thought I should be, that someone wanted me to be. Depression was a huge part of it too. With all of it together, I kind of turned into this shell of who I used to be. I lost interest in everything I used to love and focused on nothing but trying to make "our" life a good one, to be what I thought a wife should be. More than anything I wanted to be loved and taken care of, and there were more than a few times that that led to some decisions that were probably not the best.

I tried so hard, for so many years, to try to make things okay. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought that if I could just fix myself, everything would be okay. Last summer something happened, something inside of me, that made me remember who I was, what I wanted, and showed me what I needed to be able to get that. And that I deserved everything I want and need. I told him what those things were...and I believe he tried in every way he was capable to try to be that. But just as I shouldn't have to be anyone else, neither should he. Neither should anyone.

One day he said that he had just realized that "maybe things won't work out" and he had to accept that. I didn't know what to do with that. I had always been operating under the assumption, no-the fact, that we were meant to be together, and everything would work out because that's how it was, and that was all there is to it. It rocked my own personal little world to find that uncertainty... To know that wasn't the case, and then think about the situation and everything going on in my life at that time. And I realized that we just weren't supposed to be together. That's why we couldn't make it work - because it wasn't supposed to work. We spent so many years trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don't fit. We both deserve to be happy...and the only way for that to happen was and is without each other.

And with the support and love and so many things from the people I am closest to, I found the strength to end something that I used to think would be forever. I realized my worth, I realized what I am capable of. I realized that the person I really am, who for so many years I didn't think I could be, was okay. I have a lot of things I want to work on on myself...but there is nothing wrong with me. I was just in a relationship with someone I wasn't meant to be with. Someone who wasn't meant to be with me.

Maybe there is someone out there especially for me. I don't really know anymore. I just knew I couldn't stay in a situation because I was scared of the "other" choice. Regardless of how my life turns out, I know I made the right decision. And that's without even taking into account all of the other circumstances surrounding it all. There is no question.

It's hard to see a situation where someone is in love with someone who doesn't love them back. Call me a romantic, but I believe in true love and I believe in fate and destiny. Love should never be unrequited...and to know, SEE, for a fact that it very much is and can be... Well, it's just sad to think about. And it hurts like a motherfucker. I hope I find the one who's out there for me... Love enhances everything else there is in life, in my opinion. Regardless, I know now who I am and who I want to be, who I'm capable of being...

And that's all I really know for sure anymore.

You're So Vain, I'll Bet You Think This Song Is About You, Don't You?

I honestly wonder what happens to some people to make them think that they are so much better than anyone else. It's not even just a feeling of importance (though that's certainly part of it), but they actually think they deserve things more than other people. Mainly attention. Tell me, why should people pay attention to immaturity, or childishness, or obsession? I have dogs. A bunch of them. When you're training dogs, you learn how to deal with attention-seeking behaviour (which is negative). You ignore it. You don't reward it by giving the attention that they want. Eventually they learn the proper way to act and will stop misbehaving in efforts to get (positive or negative) attention from people. Some people, it seems, aren't as smart as dogs are.

Who do I think I am to say anything about the way anyone else acts? I don't think I'm anyone. I'm no one to preach. I'm simply a person (a pretty decent one, I think) voicing my opinion on my personal blog for anyone that chooses to read it. I cannot understand why negative actions are not met with consequences. Who is anyone to think that they are above that? That they can do whatever the hell they want to whoever the hell they want and it doesn't matter? Where does this idea self-importance come from? Every person is important. Every life is important. Just because some people choose to act as though they are better than others (when really, they're probably the most insecure and scared of us all), doesn't mean that that is in fact, true. And in my personal opinion, it actually makes you WORSE than others. People who choose to take negative action or put any kind of negative energy on another person are just low. You NEVER know what someone else is dealing with or going through. For all you know someone could be on the verge of trying to take their own life and one of your snide, bitchy comments could be the thing that makes them believe that, they're right, truly no one in the world gives a shit about them and in fact actually loathes them as much as they loathe theirselves. Would you want to be responsible for that? Seriously? I wouldn't.

This is the last thing I will ever say to you. You are a rude, immature, obsessive child, with some unfounded idea that you are above or more "special" than anyone else in this world. When in reality, you're a mean loser who can't take a hint, with no real friends, because you don't know how to treat people appropriately, leaving you looking like the ignorant, crazy asshole that you choose to be. Your CHOICES are what make you who you are and I hope that one day you will realize exactly how awful you are and I hope people are strong enough not to let you hurt them until you get there, if you ever get there. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It's not like it really matters though, because you'll think you're above anything I say anyway. Good luck to you.

Everyone else in my world, I adore you and thank you for being part of my life. Love love love. Xx

Maybe This Is Wishful Thinking, Probably Mindless Dreaming...

There are certain things in life that should be free. Things that no one profits on, that everyone just gets. Or can get at an average, set price. Water, basic foods, basic clothing. Even homes, health insurance, transportation. Even if there was a standard and everything was the same. People with means could always "upgrade" if they felt the need, but at least everyone would have the basics. No one would be hungry, no one would be homeless. Some people probably don't consider the same things to be necessities as others, but certain things keep us alive and allow life around us (schools, jobs, medical facilities, etc.) to continue functioning day after day. Everyone should have an opportunity to live.

When someone buys a Habitat for Humanity home, they have a mortgage with a 0% interest rate, which is part of what helps keep their monthly mortgage payment down. The mortgage payments that all homeowners make are put back into a revolving construction fund that goes toward building more homes for more people who need them, alongside donations, etc. Habitat as the "builder" doesn't make a profit and the "buyer" is able to better their life by obtaining a simple, decent, affordable place to live, while funds are gathered to "pay it forward" if you will. I think that could work in a lot of other aspects of life as well. Random thoughts over the last few days...

Technology frustrates me sometimes. On the one hand, new/improved technology is obviously amazing and beneficial in many ways. It's also a little irritating that as soon as you give in and purchase the new "it" thing, it's outdated in practically no time at all. Staying on top of technology is practically impossible. It's also a little unbelievable to think of all of the things we (as people) can do, yet we still can't find a cure for cancer, or AIDS. Maybe if everyone focused more attention on keeping people alive, rather than how to entertain them, we'd actually get somewhere. Maybe not. But I'd give up the ability to be connected 24/7 via phone, text, email, all through a cell phone, if it meant that everyone who got sick wouldn't have to suffer anymore, wouldn't have to wake up every single day and pray to God for a cure.

I think as a people in general we are very selfish and are more concerned with status, money, self-importance, than the basic things in life. Health, happiness, love, life. These are the important things. These are the things left when the money is gone, when the high-power job is gone, when the people who only want to know you for what you can do for them (or vice versa) are no longer around. Life is hard enough just as it is. To lose focus on what really matters for any reason just shouldn't happen. If everyone everywhere operated under the same values, life would be a much smoother ride all-around.

Hope is a very dangerous thing. I think what makes it so hard is that you try to stay positive, find some small ray of light in the gloom that takes us over that gives you hope...hope of resolution, of a positive outcome, of finding the happiness you're searching for through life... And then that hope is shattered and the feelings of devastation are not only instant, but they are practically unbearable, to the point of actual pain. It's as if your heart becomes physically heavy, your chest aches, your throat goes dry and the tears start. You cry so hard that if it were actually possible to die just from crying, you're quite certain you'd drop dead right then and there.

It likely sounds overdramatic or stupid to some people, but the fact of it is that if you have never reached the point of true hopelessness, you don't know how much hope really matters. How deeply it affects you, how much faith is put into it. Once you have nothing you know how much value anything, no matter how big or small, really has. Once you lay in bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing and literally unable to see any reason to go on, wishing everything could just be over forever; you know how much store is put in hope.

I imagine the answer is to not put so much faith into it. You can tell yourself you're not really, expect the worst and hope for the best. The fact is that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up so that you're not upset or disappointed... If you allow yourself to hope, it will always be the stronger feeling. Hope is defined as 'to believe, desire or trust, to rely on.' Once that is lost... What do you do? Where do you go? It's the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced, to truly lose any hope of any kind. To see yourself, your life, your world to be completely meaningless in every way. To not think but to know, that everything is never, ever going to be okay. You are never, ever going to be okay.

A rational person would say that there's no way to know that, and that's true. The difference is that once you reach that point, there is literally nothing to strive for, nothing to look for, nothing to live for, and your knowledge of this is completely and totally absolute, regardless of all the things you thought you knew before. If you can come back from that, you start to value even more the existance of hope and the knowledge that at some point in time, things will get better if you keep striving for what you should/want to in your life. Anything you can put faith in is a welcome part of your life; anything to keep you from going back to that dark, meaningless abyss where your life is worth nothing and has no purpose. But then, everytime you think positively and are then disappointed, everytime you do everything you possibly can to make something happen and it's useless, everytime you trust someone new that you think is different from all the ones before and they take advantage of that trust...you're one step closer to it again. It's an endless circle of highs and lows. Ups and downs. Falling and getting up.

Sometimes I really, truly wish that I could be numb to emotions. Sometimes I think it would be worth it, to not have to go through the downs. And then I remember the ups. The shock on my skin, the smile I couldn't stop, the quickening of my heartbeat. The rush of this pure, intense, overwhelming happiness. For just a few moments, everything in your world is completely and totally perfect and as it should be. You actually understand the meaning of happiness now, realizing that what you thought it was before was nothing compared to this. You feel almost as if everything is moving in slow motion.

Sometimes I think I'd give those moments up to not have the pain now. But if you know that feeling, you know you don't really want to give it up, not for anything. You hope that someday you'll find it again, feel it again.

Ah, there's that hope... And we're right back where we started.

I Wish I Could Define All The Thoughts That Cross My Mind...

I've been very...curious lately. That isn't the right word, but I can't think of the one I want. Inquisitive? Thoughtful? Bah. I've been thinking a lot, but not like usual. More broadly, about unimportant or random things. It may just be because I'm having quite a difficult time concentrating/focusing lately... I swear I'd have lost my head by this point was it not attached to my neck. I'm definitely a bit out of sorts lately, I'm just not sure what to attribute it to... I can't even figure out how to explain. I just feel a bit odd. Who knows...

I do have a few things going on. It's our busiest time of year at work; it's Spring Break so it's super chaotic but also really fun. I get to see hundreds of "kids" who willingly and excitedly give up their Spring Breaks to volunteer their time to help someone who has less than they do. It's comforting to know that there are still people in the world who put others before themselves, or lend a hand to someone in need purely out of the goodness of their hearts. It's an amazing thing to witness.

This weekend I've given myself a project of sorts. I have some things that need to be packed up and moved out, and then I want (need) to go through like EVERYTHING. I still don't know where my camera is, and that's upsetting to me. I don't want to buy another one as there's better places my money can go right now as I go off on my own, so to speak. Of course a camera is not a necessity but memories are so special to me and so important, and lord knows I have the worst memory in the world. I'm more just irritated because I know it's around here somewhere, just not in any of the "usual" places. No doubt I was in a hurry and put it somewhere and said "Ah, I'll definitely think to look here when I need it!" and it's right under my nose somewhere. Frustrating though.

Life is frustrating me right now. It's like so much is on the tip of my tongue, and I either can't think of how to put it or explain. I have all of these random thoughts and I've started writing them down, but then when I try to put them together I can't seem to do it. I don't know, maybe I'm just overtired and all the stress is taking a toll on me... I'm definitely scared about the near future, I won't deny it, but I'm also very excited. I'm proud of myself for some things and I'm looking forward to some others. I know that I still get down often and although it's something I am working on, I still have a long way to go... But, overall I am actually feeling confident, excited, at ease. Even though I have a lot of day-to-day stresses, overall I am calm...I know that I'm doing the right thing and I'm trying to have faith that everything will work itself out. Even though I'm not there yet, I'm confident I'm on the right path, and I am really grateful and appreciative of all the love and support so many people have given me. I hope that soon I can be the friend that you deserve in return.

Soooooo um here's some of my random thoughts to close out this babble...

If I could meet any celebrity, I'd probably pick Ellen. Or Craig Ferguson.

I find it really frustrating when people who do really bad things get everything they want in life... I know that's probably a horrible thing to say. It's just like...do they even learn anything?

Every girl should be swept up into the arms of a man who loves her at least once in her life.

I don't really get why people are so harsh about "Glee"... My assumption is it's judgment without ever having seen it, simply because all it is is a group of really talented people who sing and dance... Okay, there's some drama too but, it's still about the music!

I've spoken to a lot of friends lately who are really hurting. I wish people weren't capable of falling in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. That should be how it works... No more heartbreak.

"Letters To Juliet" is quite possibly my 2nd favorite movie ever. I can't watch it enough. Love.

I think we can change our thought processes and what we think about, but I'm not sure that really changes what's in our hearts.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the devil.

I like the quote that says, "I love you not only because of who you are, but because of who I am when I'm with you." I think that's so beautiful. The people we love can bring out the very best in us.

If a person can't make an album/sing live without using autotune and all kinds of other effects, they shouldn't be making an album. Leave it to the people with actual talent.

No one should make someone fall for them if they have no intention of catching them when they do.

Sometimes I think it isn't a choice whether or not to give your heart to someone... Sometimes it gives itself away without warning (or your permission). There really isn't anything you can do.

In relationships of any kind, you should always lay all of your cards on the table. Anyone worth having in your life will love you as you are, and they deserve your honesty in return. Everything catches up to you at some point... It's all connected somehow. Hiding things or lying helps no one. Not even you.

Some people make me really just wonder WTF happened that makes them think they're so important, or better than everyone else.

Sometimes, I really do wish I could hate some people.

A troll is a troll is a troll is a troll. What is it? Oh that's right - a troll.

I intend to start a new escort service that shall be called Laypal. (if you don't know that's a joke, well...)

Some people forgot my birthday...or just intentionally said nothing. Either way it's kinda... :(

If you could snap your fingers and right now be with anybody, anywhere... Where would you be?
And who would you be with?